Fear the Unknown
The peace of the woods was unparalleled. If a more beautiful place existed in the world, Amanda wasn’t aware of it. The snow-capped trees glistened in the sharp, warm sunlight filtering down from overhead. Her breath fogged above her head. It seemed that the sun only came out on the coldest of days.
“I’m proud of you honey. You’ve done so very well for yourself here. You and Jason have made a beautiful life together. I’m excited to see all these changes that you’re planning. And I can’t wait to meet my grandchild in there.”
Amanda blushed. Praise from her mother meant the world to her. She was so glad that her mother liked Jason and that they got along. They freely discussed plans for the cabin, more so than she and Jason did.
“Thanks,” Amanda whispered. She watched her breath turn into yet another cloud and evaporate above her head. “I’m excited for everything. I guess it all starts on Monday. Four more days and I won’t even recognize my own place.”
“Oh you’ll recognize it. You’ll just like it more now that it has running water, a shower and a washing machine.”
Amanda laughed. “Yah. You’re probably right.”
She trailed through the woods after her mom, picking her way through the snow. It was drifted in deeper in spots where the trees weren’t so dense. Some spots were up to her knees. She was glad she’d put on her snow pants and taken care to tuck them over her boots so the snow didn’t get in and freeze her feet.
It had been her mom’s idea to go for a walk through the woods and even though she would rather be in the kitchen baking next to a warm stove or painting in her cozy living room, Amanda wasn’t going to turn her mom down.
“When are you going home?” Amanda didn’t want to voice the question, but it had been on her mind ever since her mom arrived. “I mean, we don’t want you to leave, either of us, but I know you have a place that probably needs tending to. You can’t stay away forever.”
“No. You’re right. I’ve been thinking about it as well. Probably within the next couple days. I’ll come back though. Next month or the month after. Certainly again right before the baby is born so that I can help you get ready and I’ll be here through those first few rough weeks if you want me to be.”
“Of course!” Amanda let out a sigh of relief. She stepped through a deep snow bank, nearly fell up to her waist and kicked her way out of it, surging forward after her mother who seemed to have unflagging energy. “That would mean a lot to Jason and I. I was going to ask you if you would come back, especially when the baby is here.”
“I can’t wait to meet that grandchild of mine!” Joan kept plowing on ahead, breaking a path.
Sunlight filtered through the trees. There was hardly any wind, but Amanda’s cheeks, almost numb from the cold, still stung. She was sure they were cherry red like the tip of her nose probably was.
She was about to say something about four and a half months passing quickly when a sharp pain in her mid-section nearly doubled her over.
Amanda gasped, her hand flying to her jacket. “Ow,” she winced.
Joan whirled. “What’s wrong?” Her eyes widened in alarm.
“I don’t know. Probably nothing. Something I ate maybe? I just had a weird pain in my stomach.”
“The baby?”
“No. I don’t think so.”
“I don’t think pain during pregnancy is really normal, although I’m sure a lot of women experience it. When I was pregnant with you, I spot bled on and off. It freaked me out at first, but my doctor said it happens to some women. There can be a little bleeding between trimesters as well, when you enter from one into another.”
“I’m not at that point though. I’m a month and a half away from the third.”
“I know.”
“I’m sure it’s nothing.” Amanda took another step. Another stabbing pain shot through her stomach, bringing her up short. “Ow. There was another one.” Panic shot through her like a red hot knife searing her flesh. “What if something’s wrong?” Tears stung the backs of her eyes, but she blinked them away, not wanting to cry and freeze her face.
Her mother doubled back quickly. She reached out and gripped Amanda’s arm in a gesture of support. Her face was kind and she carefully showed no trace of alarm if she felt it.
“I’m sure it’s nothing. Why don’t we go back to the cabin? The roads are clear. I was just listening to the radio and the weather this morning. If you want to go to the hospital or to your doctor, we can go.”
“Yah. Okay.”
Amanda let her mother lead her through the towering trees back in the direction of her cabin. She had to pause a couple times, when the pains came again. They were never worse, just sharp, clenching twinges that she was sure were not at all normal. Fear choked her throat and she forced herself to take deep, even breaths to steady her nerves.
By the time they reached the front door, her hands were trembling. The rest of her body wanted to follow suit, but she wouldn’t let it. She wouldn’t give in to her fears. She wouldn’t let her body lose this baby. She’d fight for it. She knew there wasn’t much she could do, but if she could do anything at all by staying calm and refusing to even think of miscarriage as an option, then she would do it.
Joan opened the door. Jason was actually inside, sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot tea. Amanda was relieved to see him. He was always out in the mornings, cutting wood or doing other chores.
“What is it?” He set down his cup of tea with a bag on the rough wood table. Liquid sploshed over the edges of the chipped white mug.
He rose sharply, already at the door by the time Amanda could even summon words. Joan handed her arm over to Jason, who took it.
“She’s having some pains in her abdomen,” Joan explained calmly. “I think we should go to the hospital, just to make sure it’s nothing.”
Jason’s face screwed up in alarm. His eyes flashed with emotion and he stared at Amanda helplessly. Seeing him like that, a man normally so brave, so in control, so hard with everyone but her, made her fear even worse.
“Can you help me undress first? I mean, the jacket and snow pants. I don’t want to go with all this clothing on. I have to get my purse from the bedroom too.”
“Of course.”
As soon as she asked, Jason’s hand flew over her. He unzipped her jacket and slid it from her shoulders. He pulled off her toque and then unzipped her snow pants. He steadied her while she kicked off her boots. Hands still shaking, Amanda pushed her snow pants down.
She and Jason both froze at the same time. They both saw the red staining her jeans at the same exact second.
“Holy fucking Christ,” Jason breathed.
His eyes flew to her face and she nearly blacked out when she saw the sheer, utter terror in those blue orbs. She’d never known Jason to be afraid of anything before, but he was afraid of this.
“Get me to the hospital,” Amanda demanded hoarsely, her voice barely recognizable as her own. She could literally taste her own fear in the air around her. “We are not losing this baby.”