Rocky Shores
How well can one person truly know another?
The question weighed heavily on Amanda’s mind as they drove home. She tried, with no luck, to broach the subject when they were half way there, but Jason, as always, changed the subject right away. She fell back into silence, back into battling her own earlier moroseness from that morning.
It was no better once they were tucked away in the cabin. She’d put the canned goods away in the pantry and the stuff for the fridge in the strange hole in the floor that had a trapdoor. It was lined with wood and winter’s cool grip kept everything nearly frozen all the time. It would have been a struggle to keep milk from freezing so they used powdered milk.
Jason hunted during the season and the meat he’d prepared was now frozen in the garden shed. They still had fresh eggs, as the hen house was heated with solar power and heat lamps. It was also well insulated against the elements.
Amanda set to work making a small dinner on the wood stove. Jason busied himself outside, probably bringing in wood.
She stood at the stove, stirring a pot of tomato soup and rice mechanically. Her eyes tracked out the window, to the snow-capped trees beyond.
The sound of Jason’s heavy boots scraping over the porch brought her head up. Her hand paused, mid stir. It was only a minute before he walked into the kitchen, grinning like nothing at all was wrong. He carried a huge box in his arms which he set down on top the table with a thud.
“What is it?” Amanda raised a brow. “My surprise?” She’d almost completely forgotten.
“Yes.” Jason produced a jackknife from his pocket, flipped open the blade and cut the seal off the top of the box. He lifted out a strange looking round contraption.
“What is it?” Amanda hadn’t moved from the stove.
“A foot pump washer. I know that you hate bending over the tub we have to bathe in. The sides are too deep and it’s a lot of work to wring the clothes out. This does it all for you. You just put in a few pieces of clothes in it and press the foot pedal after you add water and then after that’s done you can add soap, pump again, drain it into a bucket, throw that water out and put fresh in for the rinse. Pump some more and drain it and you’re done.”
“It sounds like just as much work.”
Jason’s grin was as quick as his laughter. “I thought you’d be happy. At least you don’t have to bend over, especially not when that becomes harder to do.”
She was slightly touched that he’d thought of her. The stupid machine looked complicated and ridiculous, but she probably would end up liking it in the end. Any other day she’d be happy, she was just… she couldn’t even define what she felt.
“Hey, is something wrong?” Jason’s smile faded when he noticed the sheen of tears that sprang to her eyes.
Amanda blinked hard to banish them, but they formed, large and round and fell down her cheeks in scalding twin lines.
“Of course something is wrong! I don’t even know where to start! That guy in the store, you knew him, but you acted like you didn’t. I can’t even begin to understand why you would do that. It’s embarrassing, especially because they were nice. It was nice to be with another woman, to talk about something that we had in common. It was nice to hear about someone else’s experience, which I won’t get the chance to do considering you don’t want to do the birthing classes and I’m not going alone.”
“So that’s what this is about. The fact that I didn’t say hello to a man I would rather not have spoken with.” His voice was flat and dry, but his eyes betrayed the fact he knew it was more.
“No. It’s the fact that I really want to do these things. I want to do classes so I know what to expect. I’m the one who is going to have to go through this. You just get to sit back and watch. I want to talk to other women. I want to enjoy everything about this pregnancy but you’re making that impossible.” A fresh wave of tears started and Amanda made no attempt to blink them away. She dropped her hands to her sides, still holding the wooden spoon she’d used to stir the soup.
“Me?” Jason asked incredulously. “You can’t enjoy the pregnancy because of me?”
“That’s right. You and your refusal to do anything. To ever go to the city. To participate and be a part of this.”
“Hold on,” Jason ground out, sticking up a large, strong hand. “Are you kidding me? Have I not been to every single doctor appointment with you after that first one? Did I not come today and want to pick out cribs and bottles with you?”
“That’s not enough. Not nearly. I don’t like going places with you when it feels like you’re going to jump out of your skin at any second and that guy was just an example.”
Amanda had the feeling Jason was holding back the storm of his rage. His face darkened and his eyes blazed with fire. It was a good indication he was pretty pissed off. His jaw nearly clicked with his effort to grind back the harsh words he no doubt wanted to say. She, on the other hand, really held nothing back, not even the irrational comments she knew she shouldn’t voice.
“Okay. Let’s just think about this for a second. You were upset during the ultrasound and I know why. I know you want your mother here. You can’t blame that one on me. I think that’s what this whole thing is really about. All your anger and your tears and your hurt feelings towards me. If you really want me to go to those damn classes, I’ll go. You asked me once and I said I’d rather get some books and do the reading at home ourselves and you said that was fine. I had no idea it was so important to you. I can’t know if you don’t tell me. I’m sorry that we’re so remote here, and that it’s hard to have friends, but you chose this. You chose me. You could have left, but you chose to stay and we both agreed to do what it takes to make this work for us and for that baby. I’m not perfect. I never claimed that and I never will, but you knew about most of those things before you made your decision. Flinging the fact that I might not want to talk to someone I used to know because we have a history I’d rather not talk about no matter how nice they may seem on the exterior, isn’t going to help anything.”
“This is not just all about my mother,” Amanda yelled. The tight vice of anger and sorrow squeezed her chest tight. She wanted to fling the wooden spoon in her hand at Jason’s face. The fact that she knew he was right only made it worse.
“Yes it is and that is the one thing you can’t pin on me. If you want your mother here, pick up your phone and call. At least you’ll know then. Isn’t that better than constantly wondering?”
“You make it sound so easy,” she hissed. “Just call. Just pick up the phone. After four and a half years, just call the woman who told me not to come back home. I’m sure she’ll want to hear from me.”
“Sometimes a baby changes things.”
“And sometimes don’t come back home means don’t call, baby or not.”
“You won’t know until you try.”
“That’s great, Jason. That’s great advice. Maybe you should try following it and go to the city more than just the odd time that I force you to.”
“That is not what we are talking about.”
“Well we should talk about it. If you can fling words at me then I can do it right back.”
Jason sighed. His massive shoulders rose and fell. “I’m not flinging words at you,” he said evenly, with maddening calmness. “I’m just saying, if you want to ease your mind, at least calling will help you find out one way or the other.”
“Maybe I don’t want to know, okay? Maybe I don’t want to hear my mother tell me that she wants nothing to do with me. The bond between a mother and daughter is supposed to be sacred. It was just us growing up and then I managed to mess up everything. Maybe it’s not her I can’t forgive, maybe it’s myself. She was right all along and I should have listened.”
“People have to be free to make their own mistakes and live their own lives. I don’t think it was right for her to tell you to never come home. It sounds like something said in anger and she’d probably sorry as well. She probably wants to contact you but she doesn’t know how.”
Amanda released a shuddery breath. The tears just kept on coming. Her breath was hoarse and raspy past her closed up throat.
Her fingers unclenched and the wooden spoon fell to the floor. She realized, belatedly, in a fog of uncaring, that their soup was about to boil over.
Jason closed the distance between them in two long strides. He reached past her and shifted the pot to a cool area of the stove. The next thing she knew she was being wrapped up in those strong arms. She was pulled against the hard, granite chest she knew so well. She forced herself to take a deep breath, to ease the sobs that were starting to wrack her chest. The crisp, fresh scent of clean mountain air and pine clung to Jason’s flannel jacket that he still hadn’t shed after coming in from outside.
It was his smell, manly, comforting, a part of the natural surroundings she found so serene and beautiful.
Amanda melted against that strong body of the man she loved. He was safe, warm, comforting. Her anger and sadness evaporated as Jason’s hand dropped to her hair. He slowly caressed the flaxen strands. He said nothing, just stood with her in quiet solidarity, lending her some of the strength and courage she so desperately needed.
“I love you, Amanda,” he whispered into the crown of her hair. “I promise we’ll get through this. Everything will work out, you’ll see.”
She pulled away just enough to stare into Jason’s glistening eyes. All the love in the world was reflected back at her.
“I’m sorry I said that,” she whispered. “I mean, if I implied that you aren’t enough or that I don’t want to be here. I didn’t mean that at all.”
“I know. I get that you have things going on right now and you’re not totally in control of your moods and your emotions. I know that some people think that hormones are just a joke, but I know they aren’t. You’re a good, sensitive, kind person. Believe me, I get that this is an exciting, joyful time, but that it’s also scary as hell. Sometimes, at night, I just lay awake and watch you sleep. All I can do is hope that you love me and that you always will and that our son is born healthy and happy and that we do a good job raising him. I feel so helpless, when I think about him out there in the world, once he’s born….”
She recognized that glisten of true, honest fear in his eyes and her heart nearly stopped. “I know. I don’t know if anyone is ever truly ready. I understand now what people mean when they talk about that fear never really goes away. That being a parent is joyful, but you’re always so worried. The hard part is, we both know what can happen in the world. We know about all the horrible things that can go wrong.”
“Did you mean it, when you said you were lonely? I don’t want you to feel like you have to go through this alone. I’m here. Always. I don’t know if I can change enough for you. If I’ll ever want to go to the city and be around other people. I’m just not- made right that way. I do want you to have what you need, to feel ready. I was serious earlier when I said I would get the internet and make the cabin more modern. That way you can have all the resources you need at your fingertips. I’ll get some books too. Whatever you want. We’ll go through it together. I do want to be here for you, even if I can’t bring myself to do those classes.”
“I know.” Amanda nodded slowly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that you aren’t enough. You are more than enough, Jason. Always. I just feel- lonely for another woman’s company. Another woman who has been through this or is going through it.”
“I’ll call for the internet tomorrow then. See how soon we can get a satellite or a pole or whatever we need put up. Maybe you can find some online forums or a group page or something, where you can talk to people. Would that be alright?”
It didn’t seem like the same thing, but Amanda smiled gently and nodded. He was trying so hard. She recognized that and she appreciated it. She meant it when she told Jason that he was more than enough. He meant everything to her. It wasn’t his fault that there was a part of her heart that still wasn’t whole. He was right, it was her own issue to solve.
“Now. We’ve both had a long day. How about we eat that soup then I take you to bed and slowly strip off all your clothes?”
A flurry of tingles shot through Amanda. She shivered at their violent intensity.
“I’m suddenly not very hungry,” she whispered, throat raw with emotion. “At least not for soup.”
Jason’s eyes lit up with understanding. When he bent his head to claim her lips, he wasn’t gentle. His kiss was demanding, yearning, all consuming. Amanda reached up and wrapped her hands around his strong neck and drew him into her.
She didn’t know what the future held. Jason was right when he said there was fear mixed in with the excitement and joy. She wasn’t certain about anything but this man before her. He was her rock.
“Stop thinking,” Jason rasped as he broke the kiss. “Stop thinking and just start feeling.”
“I’m already feeling,” Amanda assured him with a smile. “I feel absolutely everything.”