Doubt
It was overwhelming, the amount of things a new baby required.
Amanda tried not to think of the list in her purse as she flipped through the racks of clothing. She’d opted for a second hand store, considering the prices and selection would be better. She didn’t want to wear maternity clothes. She couldn’t actually imagine a time when she’d need a pair of jeans with a huge belly band cut into them. It was a terrifying prospect. She hoped she could just get away with wearing larger sizes and maybe a maxi dress and leggings.
What would Jason think of her when she was nine months pregnant with a huge belly, retaining water, a puffy face, arms… she shuddered. She hoped he’d still find her attractive, though the image in her head wasn’t pretty. Maybe he would find her beautiful because it was his child inside of her. She could only hope so.
Under the divide and conquer theory, Amanda agreed to be dropped off at a thrift store to look for clothes while Jason did their grocery shopping. Their next stop was the huge baby department style store where they could start to pick out a few of the many items on her list.
Having a baby was utterly exhausting long before the child actually arrived. There were so many things no one had told her about becoming a mother. Not for the first time, Amanda thought with gratitude towards her own mother. She was starting to realize just how much she’d gone through to have her and raise her.
If only I could tell her that.
She couldn’t spend her entire day in a morose state. She either needed to call her mother or stop thinking about it. It would be so much easier if she felt ready. She just didn’t know what to say. I’m sorry really didn’t cut it. There was a lot of life lived in four and a half years, a huge gap that she couldn’t just make up for with mere words.
With a sigh, Amanda continued perusing the racks. She was lucky enough to find several larger sized jeans that she actually liked, a few oversized sweaters, two cotton maxi dresses, another roomy, loose fitting cotton dress that fell to the knee and a few extra large bunny hugs and t-shirts. She even got lucky and found some prettier blouses and a stretchy tunic.
That should pretty much do it. Hopefully I’ll be in my own clothes for another few months yet.
The cashier she chose had no line up. The young woman with the dark black hair and the colorful scarf wrapped around her head looked almost exotic, or maybe, like she’d stepped from another time. Huge gold hoops in her ears definitely gave her the whole gypsy air she was probably aiming for.
Amanda paid for the purchases with the cash Jason gave her. She’d managed to keep three bags of clothes under fifty dollars. She nearly groaned at the thought of taking everything home and laundering it. With no running water, Jason was hauling from the creek every day or using the hand pump, since it killed her arms. They then had to heat water over the stove if they wanted it hot. Drying clothes was done on a rack in front of the stove in the kitchen or on a line outside to freeze dry.
It wasn’t an easy task and was only going to get worse with the baby coming. One thing she knew for certain was that babies generated a ton of laundry.
Amanda took her overflowing bags and went to stand in the store’s entrance, between the two sets of double doors, where it was still remotely warm. She watched for Jason’s truck. She had about ten minutes to wait before he’d be back. He’d very generously given her an hour and a half or her shopping.
Hungry, her feet already starting to ache and a dull throb in her back from too much shopping, Amanda leaned up against the glass for support. She wished there was somewhere to sit.
Her mind strayed again, to the laundry issue. It was hard scrubbing everything by hand. There was going to come a point when she was too pregnant to do it. Having a newborn was going to be exhausting enough let alone everything else. Living off grid in such a remote place was utterly tiring some days.
Right now she didn’t even have any baby clothes to launder. They hadn’t bought a single thing.
Tears stung Amanda’s eyes. She felt overwhelmed with it all and the baby was months away.
Maybe I’m not cut out for this. This kind of living, or even being a mother.
She knew she was being irrational. It was just the hormones at play. She reached up and brushed a few stray tears out from under her bottom lashes before they had a chance to fall. She didn’t want Jason to know she’d been crying.
I love him. Shouldn’t that be enough?
Thankfully, Amanda didn’t have time to process and over process her thoughts. She spotted Jason pulling into the parking lot in their old beat up pickup. She stepped outside as he pulled up to the store’s double doors.
She pulled open the back door and placed her bags onto the floor before slipping into the passenger seat up front.
Jason waited until she had her seat belt on before he started to navigate the busy parking lot.
“Looks like you did well.” He raised a brow in question.
Amanda didn’t turn to meet his gaze. For some reason, she was afraid she’d burst into tears if she looked at him and saw the tenderness she knew would be in his eyes. “Yah,” she whispered. “I did fine.”
“Do you want to get something to eat or just go right to that department store that may just kill me.”
Despite her strange mood, Amanda couldn’t hold back a smile. “I guess go right there. We can get something after. I’m already starving so it will be a good incentive to be fast.”
“Lucky for you I kept a granola bar and a banana out of our stash of groceries.”
Her eyes swiveled around then and noticed the small bag nestled on the seat beside him. She couldn’t help but be touched by the gesture. He thought of me. He always thinks of me.
“Thanks.” She dug into the bag and produced the banana first. She felt a little better after she ate it and after the granola bar was consumed and her belly wasn’t burning or churning with hunger, her mood improved just a little. She didn’t know whether it was hormones or hunger that made her feel so off.
Despite his avowed hatred of the city, Jason navigated the busy streets with ease. He didn’t lose his patience driving like she did. He never once uttered a curse or was frustrated with people in the wrong lane, with slow drivers or with those driving with zero care and caution. He was aware and alert and navigated the truck with ease.
By the time they pulled into the parking lot of the baby store, Amanda was in a far better mood. She actually turned to Jason as he killed the ignition. He stared at her in question when she didn’t move to get out of the truck.
“Jason… I- thanks,” she finally finished lamely. “Thank you for coming with me to do this today. I know that it’s not enjoyable for you.”
He took her hand and brought it to his lips. The brief flutter of a kiss that he placed on her knuckles made her heart skip a beat. His touch never failed to exhilarate her. They’d probably be ninety and she’d still get excited just looking at him.
“Are you kidding? I might hate the city, but I love that baby inside of you and I love you. I would do anything for you, Amanda. You know that right?”
“Yes,” she admitted in a small voice. She cleared her throat. “Yes.” Her voice was surer, firmer. “I know. Still, thank you.”
He grinned. “I actually got you a surprise. It’s in the back of the truck.”
“The box?” She hadn’t even noticed it sticking out when she approached the truck, but her mind had been pretty focused on her morose thoughts.
“Yup. I’ll tell you more about it when we get back home. Actually, I’ll do more than tell you. I’ll show you how to use it.”
“That sounds like an awesome plan.”
“Are you ready to face this with me then? I’m sure it’s going to be overwhelming and far overpriced.”
Amanda giggled. “Yes. Even if we just look, it would help me understand all the things I’m going to need.”
“We’re going to need. I’m in this too.” His blue eyes shimmered with love and for a second Amanda felt chastised. How could she ever have doubted him, even just a little?
“I know.” She withdrew her hand and smiled. She felt a whole lot better and she was sure it wasn’t just the fact that she was no longer starving.
“Let’s go face it then. I promise I won’t run away in fear.”
“I hope not. All of this is just getting real for me.”
“Me too. That ultrasound and those pictures really brought it home. That nurse was right when she said that it’s not going to be that long. Five months. It almost doesn’t seem like enough time.”
“I know.”
Jason squared his shoulders and got out of the truck. Amanda followed close behind. They walked into the store together, hand in hand.
It was, as she predicted, overwhelming. The crib section alone was huge. There were so many different makes, models and colors to choose from. They were all overpriced.
“Can we even afford this?” Amanda flipped a tag around. “Four hundred dollars for a crib that probably isn’t even real wood seems excessive. You should just make one.”
“I remember some people say that they just put their babies in a box of a dresser drawer with a blanket.”
“I’m sure that’s not safety approved,” Amanda responded dryly. “Seriously, though Jason. Everything in here is so expensive. For a set of bottles they want fifty dollars. That’s insane!”
“Maybe there are cheaper places.”
“I doubt it. It all seems like so much all at once.” Amanda worried her bottom lip until it was the verge of bleeding. She tasted the slight metallic tang in her mouth and released it from her top teeth.
Jason stepped closer. He placed a strong, protective hand on the small of her back. “Don’t worry,” he said softly. “We have more than enough money to pay for whatever you want.”
“You always say that,” Amanda protested. “But I don’t actually know. I don’t have control of anything. I don’t even know what your or our or my finances are like. I don’t even know what term to use.” Amanda was usually too afraid to ask about finances. It made her feel weird, talking about money, especially money that wasn’t really hers. Jason always seemed to say that they had enough or that they were alright. He was always reassuring her, but when the money remained a big question mark in her mind, it was hard and more than a little embarrassing.
“We can talk about that more at home,” Jason tried to assure her. His lips pulled into a thin line. “I understand how you feel. I’m sorry if it seems like I’m not being forthcoming. I’ll set up a joint account for us as soon as I can. I’ve been meaning to do it for months, I’m always just… busy.”
Busy with every single excuse to keep from coming to the city and doing it.
Amanda swallowed back her less than charitable thoughts. Jason had never been anything but kind to her. He’d never kept money from her or made her feel like she had to stay because she depended on him for their finances. He probably was just busy, like he said. If she thought it was hard living off grid, he did all the manual labor.
“Maybe we should just go. I can probably look online for this stuff and order it or look on classifieds sites and come pick it up. Even if we do have enough to pay for it, it feels wasteful buying it all new when people are probably selling it at a good rate. I’m fine with using used things.”
“As long as they’re safe.”
“Of course.” Amanda jabbed Jason in the ribs playfully. “At least I won’t put my kid in a dresser drawer. At least looking for it myself will give me a chance to choose it in the privacy of my own home.”
“Except that we don’t have internet.”
Amanda winced. “Yah. I guess I’ll come back to the city one day and do it.”
“Maybe we can go for lunch and you can start there. Or… maybe I could call and get satellite internet installed.”
“What?” Amanda’s mouth opened in shock and she quickly snapped it shut. Jason’s brow creased with a half frown, half amused look.
“What? Did you think that I’d want to live in the Stone Age forever? Maybe we can talk about updating other things as well. Like the water and septic to be ready for when the baby comes.”
“Are you serious?” She could hardly contain her excitement or her relief. Of course Jason would think of it. He always knew what was bothering her, even if she didn’t talk about it.
“Yes. I’ve been thinking about it. Anyway, we can talk about it more at home. And if you want to look for this stuff online, we’ll go back and use the internet at that cafe we like and I’ll help you.”
“You actually want to have input on this? I think most guys don’t care. They would probably be glad not to have to look at cribs and swings and bottles.”
Jason grinned. “I thought you’d figured out by now that I’m not like most guys.”
Then, right in the middle of the store, he bent his head and placed a fiery kiss on Amanda’s lips. Her stomach quaked with a storm of butterflies and tingles ran up and down her spine.
“I think we should go,” she said huskily. “I’m definitely ready now.”
That wide, charming grin was back. He knew exactly what she was thinking and she could see, from the hard glint in his eyes that he more than agreed.
She dropped her hand to his and they were about to turn and leave when a deep, masculine voice called out from behind.
“Jason? Jason Strathmore?”
Beside her, Jason froze. She knew Jason well enough to understand that there was a reason he didn’t like coming to the city. In fact, he detested it. He did everything in his power to avoid it, which told her that he had a past and whatever it was, it was full of things he’d rather forget. Together they slowly turned to face whatever ghost had come back to haunt them. A ghost, because she was sure that whoever it was, for Jason, that’s all he could be.