Relief
Their little sweet cabin in the clearing with the smoke drifting up from the chimney, the silent, solitary woods surrounding it, even the long drive, always climbing up, the air temperature growing colder as night closed in around them; it all felt so right and good and true.
“It’s good to be home,” Amanda whispered from the front seat.
Jason glanced over at her, the woman he loved most in the world. She meant everything to him. That child in her belly meant everything.
“I couldn’t agree more.”
“The lights are off in your mom’s cabin.”
“Yes. It’s late. I told her to go to bed when I called her from the hospital to let her know that everything was fine.”
A profound sense of relief, no less than what he’d felt when the doctor told him and Amanda that everything was fine, swept through Jason once again. He gripped the wheel a little tighter, maneuvering the truck to the driveway’s edge. He’d wept, when they got the results of the ultrasound and found out that the baby was still well and everything looked like it should. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d actually cried like that. Not ever, as far as he remembered.
He killed the ignition and turned to Amanda. “Do you need help getting out of the truck?”
She looked a little unsure, her face still paler than normal. She tried to force a brave smile but it looked as watery as his insides felt. “No. It’s okay. I’m not going to break.”
“Okay.”
He wasn’t completely sure that was true. If something had been wrong, if they’d lost their child, he knew that it would be hard to pick up the pieces.
Once they were safely in the cabin, Jason stoked the fire in the stove, adding a couple larger logs to hold them through the night. He noticed that Joan had been in the cabin. She had added wood after they left. Amanda had urged her to stay behind because she didn’t want her mother to be there if the worst happened. Oddly enough, Jason understood. He got her urge to protect her loved ones, to spare her mother the worst of it, to keep her heart from breaking.
He turned at Amanda’s quiet footfalls. She entered the kitchen and just stood there, still looking as lost and dazed as a small child might. Her normally shining eyes appeared almost glassed over.
“Are you hungry?”
She slowly shook her head. “No. Are you?”
“No.” He knew he should urge her to eat, for the baby’s sake, but he couldn’t quite summon up the will to get the words out. “Do you want to go to bed?”
“Yah. That sounds like an excellent idea.”
He crossed the kitchen and gently guided Amanda down the hall to their room. The feeling of warmth and comfort he had when he spotted their things, their bed, his old patchwork quilt, his beat up antique dresser, everything that was familiar, the memories contained in that room, his heart skipped a beat. He felt a little lighter just for being back there. Just for the fact that they were home and everything was going to be okay.
Or at least he hoped so. At least for the moment, they still had hope.
“I know what you’re thinking.” Amanda’s tone was gentle, her words barely more than a breath. She turned to face him. The sorrow and fear in her eyes was unmistakable. “I know that from now on we’re going to walk on egg shells. I know that even though the doctor said nothing was wrong, that the ultrasound was normal, that even though the baby is okay and I was randomly bleeding a little and having pains that went away, I’m always going to fear the worst now.”
Jason sighed. His shoulders heaved with the movement. “I know. I… Amanda, I know.”
He set a hand on her shoulder, so small and dainty and fragile. She reached up and placed her little hand on his. “I just want you to hold me.”
He understood that too. He made quick work of their clothes. He didn’t dare take another breath until Amanda was stretched out beside him, wrapped in his arms in their bed. Even though they were naked, he didn’t feel any of the usual desire. It was just enough to hold her in that moment, to reassure himself that she was still there. That they were both still there. Her and the baby.
“Jason? If something happened, if the worst happened, would we try for another?”
Amanda’s voice, small and lost hung in the air above them. Her question wrapped around Jason’s heart and squeezed tight, wringing it out.
“I would do whatever you wanted,” he finally responded. He made sure his voice didn’t waver. He was okay with letting her hear his emotion, but he didn’t want her to doubt him.
“Really?”
“Of course. I never saw myself as a parent before you got pregnant, but now that I know you are and we’ve had time to think about it, I’m happy. I want this baby. I want my son, but if something should happen, it’s not your fault. I know you want this baby just as much as I do, probably far worse. I would never blame you. I love you, Amanda and I want us to be happy. If you want a family, I would give that to you, even if it takes longer than we thought.”
“My mom is leaving soon. I… I kind of wish she was here. With me. She says she’ll come back though, when the baby is born.” She no longer sounded certain and Jason hated that with every fiber of his being.
“Hey,” his arm tightened around her shoulders protectively. “We were both in that room when the doctor said he couldn’t find a thing wrong. He told us not to worry. He said this can happen to some women. Your own mom said she had issues with bleeding on and off when she was pregnant and you turned out just fine. We both saw our son on the ultrasound. We watched his heart beat and we watched him move. Everything was fine. The bleeding wasn’t as much as it first looked like and it stopped by the time we even got to the hospital. You’re fine. You’re going to be fine and that baby is going to be born and he’s going to be strong and healthy and we are going to love the hell out of him.”
“And let me guess, he’ll turn into a teenager and not appreciate any of it until he’s well into his twenties, like me.”
“I’m sure you appreciated it, you just didn’t know how to show it.” Jason was glad for a brief moment of levity.
He didn’t tell Amanda that he never had the chance to know his parents. He didn’t tell her that he never had anyone to love him or love back. He never had a chance to hate or act out or be a normal teenager. He didn’t tell her any of it because she’d had more than enough sorrow for one night.
“I don’t know,” Amanda admitted. “I just know that I missed my mom and it was you that brought us back together. I’m always going to be thankful for that. You know that right?”
She wasn’t facing him. Her back was tucked in against his chest, but he knew her eyes were shining with tears from the huskiness of her voice.
“Of course. All I did was make the call that you eventually would have made. I just sped things up.”
“Thank you. At least if something had happened, my mom would have been here. She’s felt the baby move. For some reason, that would have meant something.”
Silence filled the room for a few long moments. Jason finally cleared the lump out of this throat so he could speak.
“I meant it when I said that whatever happens, we’ll get through it. You are my everything, Amanda. Even if we can’t have our own kids for some reason, which I think would be the worst, worst case scenario, there are other options. If you want a family, I mean it when I said I’ll give you one. I would give you the entire world if I could.”
Amanda’s shoulders heaved as she gave a little shuddery sob. “I know,” she whispered. “And I love you for it. I love you more now than I ever have. I know we haven’t been together long, but I feel like we have. I feel like we’ve been through something horrible and terrifying and come out on the other side and it changes you. I feel, oddly enough, more connected than I ever have.”
He couldn’t agree more. She nailed it right on the head. “I think it’s tough times that often draw people together or tear them apart.”
“I want us to be drawn together. Now and always.”
His free hand shifted from her hip to her stomach. It was still so flat. Amanda gave a little gasp. She pressed his hand into her warm belly.
“Did you feel that? No of course you probably can’t, but I just felt the baby move. It feels like a rubber band expanding, opening up and folding back in on itself. Fluttery, deep inside.”
“No, I can’t feel it, but I’m glad you can. I’m so glad.”
“Me too…” Amanda’s voice drifted off and silence, more comfortable than before, blanketed the room.
Jason closed his eyes. He tucked his face into the crook of Amanda’s neck and inhaled the sweet scent of her skin. God, he loved her. He loved her so much it hurt. He was almost afraid of the intensity of his feelings. He would have been before, but she was right, their connection was deeper, stronger, than it had ever been.
He was still afraid. That fear would linger with him for the rest of his life, but it wasn’t love he feared, it was loss.