The Decision
Their little cabin was blanketed in the stillness of night. The only sound in the bedroom was the gentle whispered hum of Amanda’s inhale and exhale. She slept soundly and had for the past few hours.
Jason shifted again in bed. He turned onto his back and stared up at the ceiling, utterly frustrated with his racing thoughts. Sleep was elusive.
He watched the play of shadows, branches swaying in the breeze outside, dance over the bed and the floorboards.
He couldn’t stop thinking about their trip to the city. Amanda had been so hurt, frustrated and angry, all because he couldn’t, no, wouldn’t, tell her about his past. He wished he could just explain to her that he wanted to protect her. He wanted to keep her innocent of all the horrors he’d seen and endured. He felt haunted by them, years after getting away, retreating to the woods. He didn’t want his past to taint her.
She was sad before that though. During the ultrasound.
Amanda hadn’t exactly made it a secret that she wanted to get in touch with her mother. Jason knew it ate at her that she was four months pregnant and her mom didn’t even know. He knew how hard a past could be on someone and Amanda had her own set of worries.
Jason blew out yet another sigh of frustration. He wished he could do something that would make Amanda feel better. He saw how tortured she was. Unlike him, she wasn’t good at hiding her emotions. She wore them on her sleeve and he loved her for it.
An idea took shape in his mind. Amanda had a new cell. Even though they didn’t have very good reception in the woods, she wanted to have one for emergencies or for when she went to the city by herself. He totally agreed. When they were apart, they both turned on their cells.
Maybe there was something he could do.
If Amanda had put her mother’s contact information into her phone, and for some reason he very much doubted that she wouldn’t have, he could probably find it. Maybe even call.
It wasn’t that late. Amanda had fallen asleep after they’d made love for the second time, just after nine. He’d tossed and turned for two hours. It was only eleven. Maybe not late enough for a strange call to a woman who knew nothing about him. Was there ever a good time for such a call?
The rough-hewn floorboards creaked a little under Jason’s weight as he threw back the covers and slid out of bed. He stood silently. He fumbled his way over in the dark room, over to his dresser. He pulled on a fresh set of jeans and a black t-shirt. His plaid wool jacket was hung up on the peg by the front door.
He didn’t bother with socks, just slipped into his clothes and exited the room quietly. He shut the door gently behind him.
He knew Amanda’s cell was likely still in her purse, given that she’d used it a couple times while they were in the city earlier. He found her black leather bag on the kitchen table where she’d set it down. His growling stomach reminded him that they’d missed dinner and he turned to the stove.
The soup that Amanda had been making before their little fight sat cold and congealed on the top of the stove. He shuddered. He dumped it into the metal scrap bucket to add to the compost pile. He banked the fire after, to be sure the cabin was kept warm through the night.
That done, the kitchen warming back up as the fire’s hungry flames licked at the seasoned wood, Jason turned back to the table. He faced Amanda’s bag like it had a life of its own. It wasn’t a snake coiled to strike, but it felt a little like it. He knew he was being ridiculous and finally, on a long exhale, he strode across the kitchen, snatched up the bag and rifled through it.
He found the phone easily. It was still on, as Amanda had been too distracted when they’d arrived home to turn it off. He knew there was no password. He brought up her contacts list and sure enough, under a single word, mom, was a phone number. Nothing else.
Hand shaking, Jason slipped the phone into the pocket of his well-worn jeans. He padded silently on bare feet to the front door where he pulled on his wool coat and work boots. He didn’t bother lacing them up. He was just going to be on the porch, right outside the front door.
The cool night air hit Jason like a blast after the warmth of the kitchen. He let out a long breath and watched as the vapor spiraled upwards in a cool white mist above his head.
It escaped to the clear, starry sky overhead.
He sighed one more time and sat down on the porch step. The cold seeped through his jeans and into his legs below, but he felt none of it.
He reached into his pocket and his fingers curled around the sleek phone. He brought it out and stared at it for just a second before he flipped it on, found the contact list, selected mom and hit the little phone icon.
The phone rang and rang. Just when he was about to hang up, sure that his being out there was a betrayal to Amanda, sure that his idea had been one of the worst he’d ever had, a gentle voice whispered a sleep filled ‘hello’ into the other end.