He heard the distress in my voice and gave me a heart-throbbing grin.

“Don’t worry. I’m not upset with you.”

“Then what is it?”

“If I tell you then it’s going to completely demolish my cool, sensitive guy image.”

“Go for it. I already know you’re not sensitive.”

“But am I cool?”

I bit my lip, obviously trying to hold back a smile.

“A little. I guess.”

“I’ll take it.” Gavin linked his arms around my waist. My tummy got another silly little flutter. “I’m upset because the next two weeks can’t go by fast enough for me.”

Absolutely not what I expected him to tell me.

“That’s a mean thing to say!”

“It’s not mean when I tell you why. I want to see you outside of the office, Paige. I want to go on a real date with you. Not in two weeks but now.”

“We did have a real date already.”

“Last night was not a real date.”

It was to me. I was happy to have shared a meal with Gavin even though I’d been so nervous he was going to fire me.

And that was the crux of things.

I could never relax because I was so sure I was going to be found out. The truth I hid would never be put to rest unless it was out in the open.

But if I told him I’d lose him forever.

This thing between us was too new and fragile to survive the truth. Could I be so selfish, keeping him by my side with a lie?

I know this won’t end well. It can’t. Eventually I’ll have to go back to Hawaii, to my old life. What will I say to him then? I don’t know but I don’t want to kill this before it begins.

For however long I have.

The proof I was upside-down in the world was that truth itself was an evil concept that had to be avoided at all costs. I could justify my actions ten different ways from Sunday, but I was wrong to keep the truth from Gavin.

The last two weeks proved I’d do it if that meant I could be happy just a little bit longer.

But this wasn’t just anybody I was lying to.

This was Gavin.

He was the only reason I ever wanted to be better. He inspired me to reach for a higher self. Continuing to lie to him like this was profane.

If I told him the truth I’d definitely lose him, but maybe I’d gain something better like honor, dignity, and respect? And maybe, just maybe, he wouldn’t turn his back on me either?

My heart galloped in dry-mouth terror. I was crazy. I swallowed several times, desperately searching for the crumbs of my courage.

“Gavin, I, ah, there’s something I think I should tell you.”

“Me first.” He plunged forward in a rush of words. “I don’t like it when you threaten to leave.”

Once again Gavin knocked me back on my ass. I stood there quietly as he continued.

“If you do it again you’ll do it knowing how it makes me feel. I’ll know you made a conscious choice to say it and I’ll believe it. I won’t fight to make you stay. I’ll let you go.” 

My throat constricted.

The Paige who was going to try to be better evaporated. Justification was easy when faced with Gavin’s vulnerability.

He didn’t want me to leave and I desperately wanted to stay.

I’d simply have to juggle both lives. I’d done it before—not to this extent—but I could make this work.

Besides, it wasn’t going to be forever.

Normal people weren’t like my father and Melissa, dug into one another so deep it hurt to breathe but hurt worse to stop.

Gavin and I were bound to tire of a love affair, right? That was what normal people did. They dated and then broke up.

It would happen to us too.

And while sad once it ended, we’d soon get over it. Then we could still be friends. Real ones who were nice to each other and cared. Like Gavin and Marlene.

It would be lovely to know I had one real friend in the world.

Licking my lips, I answered in a tiny voice, “It wasn’t a threat because I meant it at the time, but I would’ve regretted it. I’m sorry for trying to bail on you. Again.”

“Let it be two. Don’t go for a third. I mean it, Paige.”

I nodded, feeling the weight of my decision settle on my shoulders. It would be okay. It would have to be.

“I won’t run from you, Gavin. Ever again. I promise. Next time you’ll be the one to leave me.”

Feeling the vow resonate through my body, I knew I’d already predicted the end of this relationship. I wouldn’t leave Gavin first. He’d have to leave me and I’d let him go. It was my punishment and blessing.

Gavin squeezed me, saying, “You’re so serious, love! No one is going to leave anyone. Deal?”

What else could I say?

“Deal.” Clearing my throat, I then said, “I know you said you wouldn’t accept my apology later, but can you make an exception this time? I really am sorry for everything I said today.”

“Everything?” he asked with an adorable pout.

“Okay, not everything.”

“Which parts are you not apologizing for? Be specific please.”

Enjoying the play between us, I cuddled closer.

“The part about you being handsome.”

“Obviously. What else?”

“And the part about you being cool.”

“And?”

“And the part about liking you.”

“That’s what I wanted to hear.”

I was a shell. There wasn’t anything he needed to see behind it. Not when I could make this work by being someone other than me.