Something’s Off
My phone vibrates in my back pocket, and I pull it out to find another picture message from Julianna. She’s sent me at least one from every place they’ve stopped. They are all so random, I don’t get it. There’s been a field covered in fog, an old barn falling apart, and now a red door.
“Who is that?” Cat asks, a little suspicion in her tone.
A Target run with Cat used to be one of my favorite things to do. In fact, it used to be something we did at least once a week. These days, it seems as if we hardly see each other. Which doesn’t allow for wasting time on a Saturday cruising the sale aisles. So, when she asked if I wanted to come help her pick out something to wear to the funeral today, I was thrilled. But she’s been quiet, skittish, and moody. Something is off with her. Or, perhaps, I’m merely projecting because of my own issues.
Things with Steven and I had gone from bad to worse. He hasn’t even attempted to text or call me. Not that I had tried either. The things he said were hurtful, but he wasn’t wrong. I am a coward. Only not for the reasons he believes me to be one. Not wanting to wear a stupid white dress and sign a piece of paper that allows the government to legally tie me to another human being doesn’t mean I’m afraid, it makes me smart. In all honesty, I think the thing that’s been eating at me the most, is the fact that he still seems determined to ask Cat to marry him. Maybe I should take a step back to examine why that upsets me so much, but like I said, I’m a coward.
I turn the phone so Cat can see the screen and she leans in to examine the photo. “Julianna is at it again. Can you please help me understand why they are taking pictures of random doors? Because I don’t get it.”
She lets out a half-hearted laugh as she pushes the cart toward the end of the aisle and I follow beside her. “They’re in love and happy, does it really matter why?”
“Okay, I can’t take it anymore. You’re being weird. I know you don’t handle death well, but this seems like something else. What’s going on with you?”
She pauses at the end of the aisle and begins rummaging through the red tag items, shrugging as she gives me a quick glance over her shoulder.
“Nothing.” She pulls a set of curtains off the shelf and turns to me. “Do you think these would look good in my bedroom?”
“Catelyn Shea, how long have we been friends? Do you really think I don’t know when something is bothering you? Now spill it!”
Her shoulders sag as she throws the curtains into the cart and sighs. “Fine…but do you promise you won’t say a word to Steven?”
That shouldn’t be a problem given I don’t plan on speaking to him at all any time soon, if ever again.
Nodding, I draw an X over my heart with my finger. “You have my word.”
She takes a deep breath as she averts her eyes from me, pushing the cart again as I follow close beside her. “I think Steven is planning to propose,” she says.
I do my best to keep my features schooled as she looks to me for a reaction, but I can feel my body stiffen. “What makes you think that?”
Her forehead creases then her mouth drops open as she comes to a screeching halt again. “Oh. My. God. He is, and you knew!”
Trying to deny it, I shake my head, but there’s no use. We know each other too well. So, I let out a huff of breath in defeat then roll my eyes. “What if he is?” I shrug. “Isn’t that what you want? I mean, I would think someone like you—someone who’s so in love with the idea of marriage and happily ever after would jump at the chance to marry a guy like Steven.”
There’s more of a bite in my tone than I intended, and Cat’s cheeks redden as she looks away from me again and moves toward the next aisle. “Don’t you think it’s a little early for him to be talking marriage?”
I chuckle and take a sip of my Starbucks. “When is it an appropriate time to get married? You’ve technically been dating longer than Lizzy and Brenden and they’re already married. Hell, my sister married Eric and she’s only been back in Tennessee for six months. The ink on her divorce papers is barely even dry.”
“Both of those situations are different, and you know it,” she clips.
“Cut the bullshit, Cat. What’s really the problem here? If you don’t want to be with Steven, you need to tell him. There’s no point in continuing—”
“It’s not that,” she says. My insides twist, hating that little part of me that had been hoping she didn’t want him anymore. “I want to be with Steven. I’m just not sure he’ll still want to be with me if he ever finds out what I did.”
I come to a stop and grab the cart, forcing her to do the same. She drops her head then looks at me through hooded eyes. “What are you talking about, what happened?”
“Lawrence.” Her answer is little more than a whisper, but it feels like a slap in the face. She doesn’t even try to give any further explanation, knowing there’s no need.
Cat fell in love with Lawrence Grier when she was thirteen years old. Or so she claims. It’s been obvious over the years she’s never really gotten over him. After she saw him at Caroline’s last week, Cat told me herself she still felt something for Lawrence. Still, I never dreamed she’d cheat on Steven, never thought it was even on the realm of possibilities.
“You’ve got to be kidding me. The guy broke your heart years ago, and now you have this great guy who’s good to you. How could you cheat on him with that asshat?”
My loyalties should lie with my best friend, but I feel so livid with her for doing that to Steven. I can’t stand the thought of him getting hurt.
“You don’t think I feel like utter shit?” Tears begin to cascade down her face, and I immediately feel like crap for reacting so harshly. “Things are more complicated than right and wrong, bad and good. It’s not like I intended for anything to happen.”
A part of me wants to tell her she sounds like a cliché. I mean isn’t that always what cheaters say? But I’ve lived in between the right and wrong sides of life—in the gray—for so long. Who am I to judge her?
I pull her into my arms, holding her tight as she begins to sob. “I was so afraid you would hate me too,” she cries into my shoulder. “Every day that passes feels like added weight on my soul. I’m starting to feel like I can’t breathe.”
I know that feeling all too well. I’ve been carrying around my secret for seventeen years.
Shushing her, I smooth her hair and survey our surroundings. We’re alone in the aisle, and my body relaxes a little. Thankfully, we like to do our Target shopping early or we might have an audience right now.
Pulling her back to arm’s length, I lock my eyes on hers. “I could never hate you, Cat. You are my best friend—my sister, I will love you until the end of time. Nothing you could ever do would change that.” She nods and smiles as more tears stream down her face. “But Steven is my friend too. You need to tell him what happened. Keeping this from him won’t be good for either of you.”
“I know,” she says. “You’re right, and I’m going to tell him.”
I attempt to give her an encouraging smile, though my heart feels like lead in my chest. My selfish mind goes into a tailspin as I try to figure out what Cat coming clean might mean for me. If it will mean I lose Steven forever.
Cat is silent as she stares out the passenger side window of my truck over at the funeral home. She’s been noticeably different since she went to Caroline’s to say goodbye to her father last week. It’s no secret Cat tends to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders. If someone feels pain, Cat feels it with them. But I can’t seem to shake the feeling that her distant demeanor is about something else entirely.
As far as I know, we aren’t having any issues, but Cat seemed reluctant about me coming with her today. I guess it’s possible someone let what I said the night of Brenden’s bachelor party slip, and she’s wondering why I’m holding off. Or, maybe, she’s hoping I won’t ask at all.
Perhaps, I’m being a paranoid freak, and it doesn’t have anything at all to do with me. She did witness a man taking his last breath. I imagine that would be hard on anyone to watch, especially for someone like Cat.
“Are you going to be okay? We should probably get inside.”
Her shoulders rise as she takes a deep breath, turning to face me. Hiccupping a suppressed sob, she nods her head then reaches for the door handle. I hop out of the truck and meet her at the end of the bed where she’s stoically watching all the people filing into the building. Not meeting my eyes, she grabs ahold of my hand and squeezes as if trying to summon strength from me.
“I’m right here with you, it’s going to be okay.”
Her throat bobs as she nods her head, then begins making her way inside. Coming here today wasn’t easy on me. By the time I was thirteen, I had attended three funerals. All of them people I loved very much. Being around a bunch of people dressed in black and crying isn’t my idea of fun. It tends to bring back a lot of bad memories for me. But I wanted to be here to support Cat.
The small building is packed with people, making it clear Dave was a very loved man. It feels like the walls are closing in on me as we make our way through the crowd, several people waving to Cat as we pass. She hasn’t met my gaze once since we left the truck, though her grip on my hand is still suffocating.
It isn’t until we walk into the viewing room that she lets go, dropping it as if she’d never been holding it at all, and embraces the woman standing by the door. Cat calls the woman Sarah, which I know to be Dave’s widow, and I wait for an introduction, but it never comes.
“My parents are back there,” Cat says, pointing to them before heading in their direction.
I follow behind her, feeling relieved to see some familiar faces. Cat’s parents adore me, something I’m pretty sure annoys her.
Her parents stand to greet us as we enter the pew. Cat’s father, Sean, pats me on the back. “It’s good to see you, son.”
Her mother, Ava, reaches across Sean to squeeze my arm, beaming brightly at me. “Yes, it’s always wonderful to see you, dear.”
“Hello, daughter standing right here,” Cat mocks.
“Yes,” her mother says waving her off as we all sit down, “but we see you all the time.”
“And we like him better,” her father adds.
Cat rolls her eyes, though there’s a smile playing on her lips. It’s the first time in the past week she’s seemed like herself. “Very funny.”
“Oh, Cat!” her mother says. “I saw Lawrence earlier.” Cat’s body stiffens next to me as she turns her gaze to her mother, and I watch her carefully. “Would you believe he looks the same as the last time I saw him? What was that? Fifteen, sixteen years ago?”
“Something like that,” Cat answers, her tone clipped as if upset by the topic of this Lawrence guy.
“Oh, well…” her mother says before clearing her throat. “Did you look at all the pictures of Dave up front? They’re really very lovely.”
Cat shakes her head. “I’m not ready.”
“Oh, sweetie.” Cat’s mother regards her with sad eyes.
Cat comes to her feet. “I could use a drink of water, and I think I’ll see if anyone has any headache medication.”
“Oh wait,” her mother says, holding up her hand. “I have some Advil in my purse, just a moment.”
Cat sighs as her mother digs through her purse, bouncing on her feet as if she can’t wait to flee.
“Do you want me to come with you?” I ask.
She shakes her head, giving me a weak smile before bending down to give me a quick kiss on the forehead. “No, I’ll be right back. You stay here with my parents and save my seat.”
I nod in agreement as Ava hands Cat the pills. She doesn’t look my way again before she turns on her heel and jets out of the room.
Fifteen minutes later, Sean has told me more about the Philadelphia Eagles than I ever had a need for, and I’m starting to worry about Cat. I finally see her as she walks through the door with another guy right at her side, their heads close together as if they’re having a private and perhaps somewhat heated conversation.
She stops to console Caroline, who’s sitting in the front row, breaking away from him. As he walks away, his stare lands on me. There’s disgust in his bright teal eyes as he studies me, as if I’d been the one entering the room with his girlfriend.
When Cat finally makes her way back over to me, she grabs my hand and urges me to my feet. “Will you come up front with me? I don’t want to go alone.”
Some of the uneasy suspicion fades as I nod, then follow her to the front of the room where pictures of Dave and other mementoes are on display. Tears fall as she looks at everything, explaining to me who the people in the photographs are. My chest feels tight around my rapidly beating heart, and I only wish she knew how hard this is on me.
The relief I feel as we turn to head back to our seat is short lived thanks to the same teal-eyed man who steps into our path. He doesn’t even acknowledge my existence as he smirks at Cat, his stare roaming over her entire body as he crosses his arms.
“Hey there, KitKat,” he says.
My jaw sets at the way he addressed Cat, and I fight the urge to call him out on it. Choosing instead to slip my arm around Cat’s waist to get my point across.
He continues to ignore me, going on about seeing her mother, and I impatiently wait for her to introduce me. When she doesn’t I take it upon myself.
“Hi, I’m Steven. Cat’s boyfriend.”
Cat looks over at me, wide-eyed, but his stay locked on her like I hadn’t spoken.
“Oh shit, I’m sorry. I forget you don’t know anyone here,” Cat says. She gives me an apologetic smile, her cheeks bright red as she clears her throat. “Steven, this is Lawrence. He’s an old friend of mine.”
Lawrence’s eyes narrow at her description of their acquaintance, still not even attempting to glance my way.
“All right, we better go take our seats,” Cat says, stepping around him.
I don’t know who the hell this Lawrence guy is or was to Cat, but there’s a lot more than old friends happening between them. It’s something I’ll most definitely be addressing with Cat, but now is not the time.