Where We Stand
Holding up the t-shirt, I study it and my face sours with distaste. It has an airbrushed black bear in the mountains with the year and my name on it. “What in the hell is this?”
Julianna laughs. “It’s your souvenir, silly.”
“Is this your way of saying you hate me?”
“Oh, don’t be so dramatic. I brought you some fudge too.”
She offers me the fudge, and I quickly grab it, opening the box then immediately stuffing a piece of the cookies and cream flavored heaven in my mouth. “You do love me,” I mumble in-between chews.
She rolls her eyes, taking a seat on my couch and I follow. “You said when you called there was something you wanted to talk about?”
Nodding my head, I pop another piece of fudge in my mouth to buy myself some time. The situation with Cat and Steven has really been eating at me, and I need to talk to someone before I bust. Only, it feels a little like I’m betraying Cat’s trust, telling a secret that isn’t mine to tell.
“There is…and it’s kind of a big deal. So, you must promise me that you won’t tell Eric. If he finds out, I know he won’t be able to keep the secret.”
“Okay. You’re freaking me out a little, and I’m not sure how I feel about you asking me to keep stuff from my newly wedded husband, but…I promise.”
I take a deep breath then swallow the guilt knotted in my throat. “Cat cheated on Steven.”
Julianna’s eyes go wide, her mouth falling open. “What? But I thought she loved Steven. He’s planning to propose to her. Why would she screw all of this up? Who would be worth messing up her future like that?”
“Lawrence.”
“Lawrence? You mean that guy she was in love with in high school? Are you kidding me?”
“I wish I were,” I say, though I’m not entirely sure that’s true. A big part of what’s been eating at me since Cat told me she cheated on Steven, is the relief I feel. Once she tells him what she did, he will change his mind about asking her to marry him. And the fact that brings me comfort also makes me feel like the biggest piece of shit.
“Is she going to tell him?”
“I don’t know. She said she would, but…I’m not so sure. And it’s killing me.”
“Okay, but why are you so worked up over it? It’s not your mess to fix.”
“I know that, but Steven is my friend. He’s going to be so hurt, and I can’t stand the thought of it.”
“Oh my gosh, I don’t believe this! We talked about this months ago, and you lied.”
“Wait, can’t believe what? What did we talk about?”
“Your feelings for Steven, and his for you. I told you the two of you should be upfront with Cat before it was too late, and you swore to me you were only friends. But here we are months later, and it’s still clear you have feelings for him.”
“What? Of course, I don’t…I mean, not like you’re insinuating. I told you, he’s my friend. So, I care about him, but—”
“Oh bullshit, and he has feelings for you too. I saw it that night he came to talk to me about you writing that book. And I’m going to tell you like I told him. Tell him how you feel.”
“Okay, fine. I’ll admit my feelings for Steven have shifted a little more into a gray area. But you’re wrong about him. He’s only concerned about me writing Ashland’s story because…because I told him mine.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know those things I’ve told you about what Jim put Ashland through, how he had coerced her to do stuff she didn’t want to do?” She nods, her eyes wide and her face pales. My pulse races as I lick my lips then take a deep, calming breath. “Someone I trusted did the same thing to me when I was eighteen.”
Saying his name is too hard, it makes it too real. Julianna likely knows without me telling anyway. She probably remembers me coming home gushing about how much Paul was helping me. How he made me feel smart and special.
Julianna’s eyes gloss over, her body rigid as she tries to hold back her tears. “Oh, Lori. I’m so sorry.”
Waving off her apology, I avert my eyes and shift in my seat, trying to keep my own emotion at bay. I place the box of fudge on the end table, pulling a throw pillow into my lap and squeezing it. “Anyway, that’s why Steven is so freaked out about the book. He’s concerned there will be emotional ramifications, but I think it’s going to help those wounds heal. You know? By giving me a chance to help other women out there suffering with the same demons.”
When I look up to meet her gaze again, she gives me a sad smile and nods. “Was Steven the first person you told this to?”
“Yeah…I wanted to tell you the night you told me about Jim, but I-I’d never said it out loud before, and I wasn’t prepared. Then, when I finally felt ready, it was his house I ended up at. I don’t know…I guess I feel safe with him.” As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I groan then scrub my hands over my face. “Oh gross, did I honestly say that? What is wrong with me?”
Running my hands through my hair, I slide my eyes back over to Julianna. She’s smiling at me the way she does when she’s been proven right about something, eye brows lifted, and mouth cocked to the side. “You know, Eric was the first person I told about Jim. Take away what you will from that information, but I think maybe both of you are living in denial. You clearly have feelings for one another. And perhaps Cat has been lying to herself too. If she were truly in love with Steven, she wouldn’t have slept with Lawrence.”
“Not that I’m saying you’re right, but what do you suggest I do about all of this?”
“I’m not sure there is anything you can do at this point. You can’t tell him that Cat cheated, and it’s not the right time to be confessing anything else either. I’m afraid you’ll have to wait to see how things work out.”
The trees are a blur as I speed down the highway, as are the thoughts racing through my mind. Even with the air conditioner on full blast, I’m sweating like crazy. I’ve had to repeatedly dry my palms on my jeans to keep my grip from slipping on the steering wheel.
“It was incredible, man. I didn’t know that life could be this good, that I could be this happy,” Eric says.
I force a smile and nod absentmindedly. It’s not that I’m not happy for Eric, but my head is full of my own worried thoughts, and he’s been going on nonstop about his honeymoon trip with Julianna for the past half hour.
“You don’t seem very chipper for someone that’s about to purchase an engagement ring for the love of their life,” he says.
My chest tightens as his words echo in my head, my grip on the steering wheel tightening. Love of my life. Is Cat the love of my life? Am I hers or am I making a big mistake? I thought we were perfect for each other, that we could build a great life together. But I’ve been questioning everything I thought I knew and wanted these past couple weeks.
I look over at him and scowl before turning my attention back to the road. “I’m chipper. I just have a lot on my mind and you’ve kind of been talking incessantly since you got in the truck.”
He laughs, not calling me out on my harsh tone. “Hey, man, I’m merely trying to fill the silence. You’re acting more like a person heading to their doom than someone getting ready to head down the aisle.”
“It’s only nerves. Aren’t I allowed to be a little nervous?”
“No, not really. I didn’t feel any apprehension about asking Jules to marry me, but you know who I did feel that way about? Cara. I knew she wasn’t right for me, knew she wasn’t the person I was in love with, and I ignored it. I hate to see you make the same mistake.”
“Cat is nothing like Cara, and our situation is nothing alike. Cat and I have been dating for months, I know and love her. She’s incredible. Anyone would be lucky to call her their wife.”
“I’m not disputing that. Cat’s a great girl, but I don’t think she’s the one you’re in love with. And no offense, but I don’t think she’s really in love with you either.” My jaw twitches, but I offer nothing in defense of the things he’s saying. There’s no need to ask him who it is he thinks I’m in love with because I already know the answer. Lori. And I can’t say with all certainty that he isn’t right, though I do feel fairly positive that she doesn’t feel the same for me. As for Cat, I am starting to suspect that she may be in love with someone else. Maybe that’s part of what’s driving me to push forward with this whole proposal idea. If I ask her to marry me and she says no, I’ll have my answer—I’ll know where we stand and be able to move on. “And since I’m being honest here,” Eric continues. “I’ll tell you I think you’re trying to force this because you’re in love with the idea of it all. You think you’re heading down the right path because it’s the easy one. Let me tell you, that isn’t the way these things work.”
I scoff. “You just finished telling me how wonderful and easy everything is with Julianna.”
“True, but if you recall they haven’t always been that way. I went through a lot to get that woman. There was never a clear path leading the way.”
“Look, I’m so glad that things have worked out for you, but not everyone’s love story is the same. I supported you while you were figuring everything out. Now I’m asking that you do the same for me.”
I park the truck in front of the jewelry store and Eric sighs, giving me a sad smile as my gaze shifts to him.
“All right.”