What’s Next
Steven was quiet, too quiet, in the truck on the way back to my house. Paul managed to turn the best night of my life into the worst with little effort. I wish Steven could understand all of this without me having to explain it to him, that he knew what it felt like trying to hold the shattered pieces of yourself together. Paul has been a plague on my life for seventeen years. Is it a crime that I didn’t want to let him taint this night?
He parks his truck in my driveway, his eyes remaining forward as his jaw ticks. The knots in my stomach tighten as I watch him, unsure what happens from here. This is another reason I haven’t bothered with dating, I don’t like feeling as if I need to explain myself. Especially not about this.
“Well, I’m sorry,” I say, even though I don’t know what I’m apologizing for. My actions tonight—my interactions with Paul and kissing Steven—were about survival, and that’s something I shouldn’t need to ask forgiveness for.
Steven’s head finally turns to me, and I’m surprised when he regards me with loving, caring eyes. “I won’t even pretend to understand everything that happened back there, but I’m fairly certain you don’t have anything to be sorry for.”
“The kiss?” I question. His reaction to me kissing him was unexpected, but I can’t say he was wrong. That kiss was an act of defense, I used the one weapon that’s always been in my arsenal.
“I wish you hadn’t done that…at least not in that way, but I get why you did it. I was acting on my feelings instead of considering yours or listening to what you were saying.” He reaches across the bench seat, placing his hand over mine. “And, for that, I’m sorry.”
My eyes fall, studying the way his large hand covers mine. “That stuff with Paul…it’s complicated.”
That’s the nicest, easiest way to describe it. Completely fucked up is probably more accurate. The truth is, even after years of trying to understand and define everything with Paul, I still feel at a loss. He was my friend and mentor, then he was this person doing things to me that I didn’t like or want. Still, he hadn’t held me down as I cried and pleaded for him to stop. Could I even consider it assault? I’d told him no, that I didn’t want to do those things with him, but in the end, I’d allowed him to do them from fear of what would happen if I didn’t. Then I stayed quiet for the same reason, and because I was confused and scared. If I had been fifteen instead of eighteen, maybe it would be considered statutory rape or sexual abuse. But…
His thumb begins to caress my wrist, and I take a deep breath as I meet his eyes again.
“Did he threaten you? Is that why you’ve stayed quiet?”
I shake my head. In the beginning, I think a part of me stayed silent to protect him—that man I had looked up to and grew to care for. Then the guilt and self-blame set in, and I feared what people would make of a situation I couldn’t even comprehend. As time went by, the lying and pretending became more about my survival than anything else. That’s why I play nice when he’s around. Why I plaster a fake smile on my face and allow him to kiss me on the cheek even though it makes me sick.
“No, he didn’t need to. Paul is a revered man in this town. I know exactly what would happen if I were to say otherwise. I’d be the one attacked, and it would be my character brought into question. We both know the kinds of things they could uncover in my closet. And when it comes down to his word against mine, who do you think they’re going to believe? Not the woman who’s known for sleeping around. Paul helped me get my career off the ground, and by all outside accounts we’ve remained friends all these years. Maybe there was a time when speaking up was still an option for me, but I was too afraid then. It’s been seventeen years now, and all I can do is play the hand I’ve been dealt.”
He sighs as his jaw ticks. “I know you don’t want me to do or say anything to him, and I’m going to do my best to respect that. But it isn’t fair, the cards are stacked against you. Isn’t there anything I could do to even your odds?”
Panic causes my muscles to stiffen, the last thing I want is for Steven to do anything that could mix him up in my mess with Paul. “I’m not looking for a white knight to come in and save the day.”
His eyes study mine as a soft smile tugs on his lips and he nods his head. “Understood. I promise I won’t try to fight your battles for you, but if you’ll let me, I’d like to fight them with you.”
My heart races, and I can feel a flush spreading all the way to the tips of my ears. “Seriously? That’s really what you want, even after all that mess with Paul tonight?”
He smirks, his eyebrows lifting as if I’d said something amusing. “Sorry to tell you this, but it’s going to take a lot more than that to get rid of me.” He lifts my hand to his lips, placing a light kiss on my knuckles before releasing it. “Can I walk you to your door?”
I nod, and he smiles as he turns the truck off then hurriedly hops out. Earlier when we arrived at the banquet, he was upset that I hadn’t waited for him to open my door. So, I stay put this time, fighting back my laughter as he jogs to the passenger side of the truck. He pulls my door open as I unbuckle my seat belt, holding out his hand for me. My stomach flutters as I take it, annoyed with how much I love all his chivalry.
We walk to my door, hand in hand, and my head is swimming from the whiplash of emotions I’ve experienced in the past hour. The end of this date could have played out very differently, I even thought for a moment it would, but Steven has proven yet again what a great guy he is. Now, if I could only figure out what the hell he’s doing with me.
He lets go of my hand as we come to a stop in front of my door, and I’m trembling as I dig for my keys in my purse. “Do you want to come inside?”
He shakes his head. “You and I both know that could be dangerous. I want to do all of this right with you.”
“Always the boy scout,” I mock, rolling my eyes to feign annoyance.
He reaches out, placing his hand on my jawline. My abdomen quivers with need as his fiery eyes meet mine, his thumb running over my bottom lip. “Not always.”
He leans in slowly, and it’s the best kind of torture waiting for his lips to collide with mine, my pulse races faster with each second that passes. My eyes close as his mouth makes a soft landing on mine, and I let out a moan of satisfaction. The kiss is light and chaste, unlike any other kiss we’ve shared, his tongue tangling with mine only briefly. Still, it’s by far my favorite.
He breaks the kiss, resting his forehead on mine as he rubs his nose against mine, and I take several deep breaths before meeting his gaze again.
“So, how about that second date?” he asks, his eyebrows raising in question as he lifts his head.
I smirk, knowing that he’d purposely asked me after the kiss.
“I can’t believe I’m at the Ryman Auditorium,” Lori says, her eyes glowing with excitement as she looks around the large space.
The Ryman Auditorium isn’t your typical music venue. It’s the music venue, the Grand Ole Opry House, the place where so many music legends have played. Simply being here is an experience all its own. The wooden pew seating and stained-glass windows add to the majestic feel of the Ryman, but it’s the history that surrounds you that makes this place so special.
My dad brought me here for the first time when I was only eight years old. He told me that it was a music lover’s rite of passage. He was gone a year later, and that night is one of my favorite memories of him. So, when Lori told me she’d never been here, I knew I wanted to be the one to bring her—to be the one to share the magic with her.
“What I can’t believe is that this is your first time here. You’ve lived right outside of Nashville your entire life, how is it possible that you’ve never been here?”
She brings her gaze to me, a mischievous smile on her face as she shrugs. “I don’t know. When I was in high school, I went to shows all the time. But as you know, I changed after graduation. Things like seeing my favorite bands live seemed unimportant.” I nod in understanding, though, I can’t say I do. Lori went through something I could never relate to. I’m no stranger to life altering heartbreak, though. Only, the traumatic experiences in my life drew me closer to music. It was a way for me to still feel connected with my dad. “I did get to see Jimmy Eat World live once before, though,” she says. “At Exit In. I think I was seventeen. Something tells me this will be completely different.” She waves her hands, offering up the space as her explanation.
“What was seventeen-year-old Lori like?”
Lori tries to hold her smile in place, but there’s a sadness that darkens her eyes. “Naïve, innocent, unburdened.”
I put my arm around her shoulder, pulling her close then kissing her temple. “Naïve and innocent are overrated, but I think we can get you back to unburdened. What do you say?”
She cocks an eyebrow. “We?” I nod, and she chews on her bottom lip as she regards me thoughtfully. “I think I’d like that.”
After the concert, Lori is all smiles and I’m feeling like the king of the world. My heart feels like it’s getting too big for my chest as I watch her, flipping through the IHOP menu and babbling about how the lead singer looks the same as he had eighteen years ago. If I’m being honest, my gaze was on her more than it was Jimmy Eat World tonight. She looked so beautiful, singing and swaying to the music, it was hard to keep my eyes off her. After catching her singing the wrong lyrics more than once, I began to realize how strong my feelings for her have become. Normally something like that would drive me crazy, but all I could think was how absolutely adorable she was.
When her gaze lifts to meet mine, color fills her cheeks. “I haven’t done this whole late night, fourth meal thing in a long time. Do you already know what you want?”
I scratch at the hair on my jaw as I nod my head. “As a matter of fact, I do.”
It’s been a year of self-reflection, something I owe to Lori. At least in part. Meeting her forced me to question everything I thought I knew about love and how it should be. Now, there’s no doubt in my mind. I know exactly what I want. Lori.
Her face flames brighter, and she looks back down at the menu before clearing her throat. “I’m leaning toward pancakes. Do they still bring out that warm syrup?”
“Lori?” She hums without looking up at me, and I reach across the table to take her hand. “Hey.” Her shoulders rise and fall as she takes a deep breath and hooded eyes land on me.
“I wasn’t talking about the food.”
“Oh.” Her back straightens and she pushes it into the booth, her hand slipping from mine. “What are we talking about then?”
“You and me. What comes next.”
“Next? You mean after food, right? Because I was promised food, and now I have a hankering for some of these pancakes.”
“I wouldn’t dream of standing in the way of you and food.”
She giggles. “Smart man.”
“I was thinking a little past that.”
“Oh,” she says, giving me a sultry smile that contradicts the shyness in her eyes. “Are you saying you’re finally ready to show me what you’re working with?”
I cough, nearly choking on my water as I shake my head. “No. Well, yes. But that isn’t where I was going with this conversation.”
She crosses her arms. “Do you plan on getting to said point anytime soon?”
My nerves start to get the best of me, and I rub the back of my neck as I let out a nervous chuckle. “The thing is, I have feelings for you. I think I’ve felt something for you since the first time I laid eyes on you in the coffee shop. But that’s grown and expanded into something more. Which is exactly what I want. More.”
She sighs, her lips pressing together as she swallows. “You’re always wanting more from me.”
“That’s true, I can’t seem to get enough when it comes to you. But I need to know what you’re thinking.”
“About what?”
“What comes next for us.”
“This is all a little new for me, so you’re going to have to be a lot clearer on what you’re talking about. Are you asking if I’ll go out with you again?”
“Yes. Kind of. Only, I’m hoping for more of a standing date between us.”
“Are you asking me to be your girlfriend?” she mocks.
“Yeah. I guess I am.”
“Oh.” Her stare falls to the table. “I don’t. Wow. Um. I haven’t been asked to be someone’s girlfriend since I was fourteen.” She places her hands in her lap, rubbing them up and down her legs before she lifts her eyes to meet mine. “Maybe now isn’t the right time. You know, I think that we should give Cat some time to come around.”
“And if she doesn’t? What happens then?”
“I don’t know.”