Not in Love
My hands cling to my coffee cup, praying it will help warm me. Sleep deprivation always makes me feel so cold, and I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in days. Maybe even weeks.
“So, you’re avoiding both of them? And you call me a kid?” Levi shakes his head as he ticks his tongue at me. “Don’t you think that’s a little childish?”
He snickers as I flip him the bird and roll my eyes. The couple at the table next to us looks over at me with their upturned noses. I give them an apologetic smile, fighting the urge to flip them off as well before placing my hand back in my lap.
The coffee shop is abnormally packed and noisy this morning, and I’m in no mood. Between the lack of sleep and the stress from the situation with Cat, my head is pounding in protest. I’d stayed up most of the night working on Ashland’s story, only going to bed when I could no longer keep my head up. The words have been flowing out of me like water, and I’m terrified that if I stop they’ll dry up.
I’m certainly grateful for the distraction it’s provided over the past couple weeks. Between that and baby Winston here, I’ve barely had time to dwell on the fact that my best friend is evading me or face the fact that I might be harboring some real feelings for Steven.
The book hasn’t done much to improve my state of mind, though. Ashland’s thoughts and feelings are much like my own. The guilt she carries for not speaking out about what Jim was doing is the same guilt that weighs on me for never telling anyone about the things Paul had done to me.
“Technically, Cat is avoiding me. I’m simply trying to stay out of their bullshit. Besides, I don’t have time to deal with their drama. I have a book to write.”
“That’s an excuse and you know it.” Levi smirks as he leans back in his chair and crosses his arms. “Eric said he went with Steven to buy her an engagement ring. Are you really going to let him go through with this knowing Cat cheated on him?”
Shushing him, I survey the people around us to make sure no one heard before narrowing my eyes at him.
“No…” The knowledge that Steven has officially purchased a ring for Cat causes the pounding in my head to intensify and I dig in my bag for some aspirin. “I’m counting on Cat to do the right thing, but if the two of them are so determined to be legally bonded to each other, who am I to stop them?”
When I find the bottle, I pour four pills into the palm of my hand then pop them into my mouth, saluting Levi with my cup before washing them down.
He laughs and shakes his head. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re extremely stubborn?”
I shrug as I place my glass on the table. “Takes one to know one. Have you patched things up with Roxy yet?”
The smugness on Levi’s face is replaced with a frown as he groans, reaching up to rub the back of his neck. “There isn’t anything for me to fix. I haven’t done anything wrong.”
I press my lips together then click my tongue. “Why are men so clueless? Maybe you didn’t directly do anything wrong, but she clearly has feelings for you and you’re ignoring it as if that changes anything.”
“You’re wrong, she doesn’t have those kinds of feelings for me. But even if she did, what do you expect me to do? How could addressing them make it any better? How could telling her I don’t feel the same help our situation?”
“It wouldn’t…” I stand and push in my chair, picking up my empty coffee cup and discarding it in the nearby trash-can before slinging my bag over my shoulder. “But telling her the truth would.”
Levi may have managed to get me to open up about Steven, but I hadn’t been the only one spilling their guts during our drunken discussions.
He groans and rolls his eyes as he gets up from his seat. “Can we please not go down this road again?”
“Fine,” I relent. “I won’t bring up Roxy, if you stop asking me about—”
“Steven,” Levi interjects.
I nod. “Exactly.”
“No…” He shakes his head and points toward the exit. “Steven.” My breath stills as my eyes follow the path of his hand, landing on Steven as the door closes behind him.
He hones in on me right away, as if he could sense my glare on him. His lips curve into an awkward smile, looking unsure if or how to approach me. Levi waves at him, pulling his gaze away from me. His face falls as he looks between Levi and I, the realization that we’re here together washing over him. Everyone is still under the impression that we’d slept together after Lizzy’s wedding, both of us having our own reasons for not being in any hurry to correct the assumption.
Steven quickly recovers, plastering a smile back on his face as he heads in our direction. The crowd of people parts like the Red Sea for him as he makes his way over, the women ogling him and the men gesturing their respect as he passes.
“Why the hell did you wave him over,” I hiss to Levi under my breath.
“He was already staring at you, it’s not as if we could have escaped unnoticed.”
My entire body stiffens as Steven comes to a stop in front of us, looking as impossibly attractive in his uniform as he had the first time I’d seen him in this exact coffee shop.
Steven and Levi greet each other with a handshake and one of those man hugs that’s more of a slap on the back before Steven focuses his attention on me again.
“Hi,” he says.
“Hello.”
“How have you been?”
“Fine.”
“How’s your book coming along?”
“Fine.”
He sighs and runs a hand through his hair, and my spine straightens from my tightening abdomen. “Is that all I get? I thought we were past all this. I thought we were friends.”
“Don’t be so dramatic,” I huff. “We were just on our way out.” I wrap my arm around Levi’s to steady myself more than anything.
Levi lets out a low nervous chuckle as Steven’s eyes cut to him then back to me again.
“Yes. I hadn’t realized this…” Steven gestures between Levi and I, “was still going on. I didn’t think either of you were really into the dating thing.”
Levi scoffs. “Oh, we’re not—” His words cut off, his eyes shooting over to me as I dig my nails into his arm. I narrow my eyes, warning him to keep his mouth shut. Levi clears his throat, shaking his head before shifting his gaze back to Steven. “We’re not in that big of a hurry. Why don’t the two of you talk while I hit the head.”
Levi pulls out of my death grip and kisses me on the cheek before scurrying off toward the bathroom, leaving me alone with Steven. I open my mouth to give him an excuse of my own, but quickly shut it again when he closes the gap between us and his gaze intensifies.
“Is this how things are going to be between us now? I’m sorry I lost my temper that day and said things I shouldn’t have. I miss you.” My breath catches at his words. In truth, I’ve missed him too. More than I like or would ever care to admit. And that’s the problem. I shouldn’t feel that way, I shouldn’t be feeling any of the things I feel toward him. He’s with Cat, my best friend. He’s about to propose marriage to her, which means he must be in love with her. I’ve allowed myself to get too close—too attached to Steven. It isn’t right, and I need to distance myself. “Please don’t let one silly argument ruin our friendship. I certainly don’t want the stupid things I said to cause you to make poor decisions.” His eyes slide toward the back of the coffee shop where Levi headed a moment ago, and I huff out a curt laugh, my jaw ticking and arms crossing as they land on me again.
“I can assure you, your words have no bearing on my decisions, good, bad or otherwise.”
“No? Then why aren’t you and Cat speaking?”
“I’ve been busy.” My stomach knots with my lie. I’m honestly surprised that Cat told Steven she hasn’t spoken to me, given the reason behind it. “Why, what has she said?”
“She hasn’t said anything, she didn’t need to but I can tell something’s been eating at her. She’s been quiet and distant.”
I huff, my jaw grinding as my nostrils flare. “And you’re blaming me for that?”
He rubs his thumb and forefinger over his brow, letting out a long breath as his arm drops back to his side. “No, I’m merely trying to say that I think you should call her so the two of you can work through whatever is going on.”
My teeth nearly pierce my bottom lip as I bite down on it to keep myself from saying all the things I want to say. I want to tell him what a blind fool he’s being, but I can’t. Instead, I take a calming breath and give him a condescending smile.
“I’ll be sure to do that. Please tell Levi I’m in the car.” I half expect him to block my path as I skirt around him, but he merely sighs and hangs his head as I pass.
As I reach the exit, he calls out my name, and I reluctantly turn to face him.
“I have one more question.” I gesture for him to go on. “What do you know about Lawrence?”
My face heats, lead filled guilt weighing heavy in the pit of my gut. I shake my head. “Nothing,” I lie before turning to walk out the door. As much as I may hate all of this, it needs to play out without my interference.
My eyes study the candlelight as it dances, my mind still scrambling to figure out what I’m going to say to Cat. I’ve been so nervous that we’ve barely spoken during dinner—the one that I’d nearly burnt because I was so distracted. I’ve spent a lot of hours over the past week contemplating my life, considering where I am, where I want to be, and even how I got here. My head has been telling me I’m on the right path, while everyone around me seems to be telling me otherwise, and my heart doesn’t seem to know which direction it’s going in anymore.
Cat clears her throat, bringing my attention to the other side of the table. She gives me a bright smile, placing her fork and napkin on her plate which is surprisingly nearly empty. “Dinner was perfect. Thank you.”
When I planned this dinner for Cat, I still wasn’t entirely sure what my plan was. It took being with her and seeing her for things to become focused. But knowing what needs to be done is always easier than doing it.
My heart is beating so rapidly in my chest, I feel as if I’ve run ten miles. My hands sweat from the nervous energy coursing through my veins. There’s a good possibility this night will end with tears. Whether those tears are good or bad ones is still up in the air.
“I’m just glad you’re feeling better,” I say, getting up to clear the table.
Cat gives me a weak smile as I pick up her plate, yet another telling sign she isn’t being honest with me. Normally, I’m not a suspicious or jealous person, but Cat blew me off several times over the past couple weeks. Truth be told, she’s been acting funny since she went to Caroline’s. And I saw the way she changed when that Lawrence guy was around. She said he was only an old friend, but there was obviously something more there. Cat told me herself that she’d been in love once, and I can’t help wondering if it was with Lawrence. If maybe seeing him stirred up old feelings, and that’s what’s caused things to be off between us. But to be fair, I think things have always been a little askew in our relationship. It’s possible that she’s merely come to the same realizations that I have recently.
“Yeah…” She shifts nervously in her chair as she tucks her hair behind her ear, and I head over to the sink. “I’m sorry I’ve been distant the past couple weeks. There was a lot on my mind, and I had some things I needed to work through.”
Nodding, I place the plates in the sink then take the small black box out of my pocket, clutching it tightly in my hand as I walk back over to the kitchen table.
“That’s okay,” I say, smiling down at her. “It actually gave me some much-needed time to think as well.”
She gasps when I place the box down on the table in front of her, her eyes unblinking as she looks down at it then back up at me. “Steven…is that?”
“It was meant for you, yes.”
Her face falls, her shoulders slumping as her eyes become wet with tears. “Was?” Her voice cracks as she tilts her head.
My chest tightens from the fear and hurt in her stare, causing me to nearly lose my nerve, but I know in my heart things between us need to come to an end. So, I take a deep breath and clear my throat. “I love you, Cat. And I know you love me, but you’re not in love with me.” She shakes her head in protest, wiping away the tears falling down her face, but I hold my hand up, urging her to let me continue. “It’s okay. I think we both got carried away—both in love with the idea of being in love and living happily ever after.”
She shoots to her feet, her head still adamantly shaking in dispute of my words. “No, that’s not true. Why are you saying this? Is this about Lawrence? What did Lori tell you?” Her question strikes me like a warning blow and I instinctively take a step back. I’d suspected Cat still had feelings for Lawrence, but I hadn’t imagined that she acted on them. Though, the sting of betrayal I’m feeling has more to do with Lori than Cat. She’d known and hadn’t told me. I flat out asked her about Lawrence, and she lied. But I know I can’t be upset with her for that. Cat is her best friend, and I wouldn’t expect anything different from Lori. “It’s over. It was a onetime mistake. Merely old feelings that got the best of me in a weak moment. It will never happen again, I swear. Please, I’m sorry. So, so sorry.”
I scrub my hands over my face as I blow out the breath I’d been holding. “You cheated on me?”
Cat freezes as I meet her gaze, her eyes widening and skin paling as she realizes she told on herself. “Lori didn’t…?”
My jaw clenches as I shake my head and cross my arms over my chest.
“But I don’t understand…then why were you—wait…” She blinks rapidly as she pulls on the opening of her plaid shirt. “Were you breaking things off because you aren’t in love with me? Do you have feelings for someone else?”
I avert my eyes from hers, unsure how to answer that question. I do have feelings for someone else. If I’m being honest, I have from the beginning and never should have started a relationship with Cat in the first place. Maybe I hadn’t acted on my feelings like Cat did with Lawrence, but I’m still guilty. I’ve been keeping things from Cat since the start of our relationship. So, any hurt I may feel from her actions seem unjustified.
“That doesn’t have anything to do with it,” I answer, cautiously meeting her eyes again.
She nods, biting down on her bottom lip as more tears fall. “But you do have feelings for someone else.” It’s more a statement than a question, so I don’t bother giving her an answer because she already has it. Her nostrils flare as she studies me with narrowed eyes. “Is it Lori?” she asks with a clip of accusation and anger. “Were you falling in love with my best friend while you were dating me?”
I shake my head, nervously pulling at the short whiskers on my chin with one hand as I shove the other in the front pocket of my jeans. “It’s not like that.”
“I think it is. All this time, I’ve watched the way you are around her—seen the way you look at her, and I kept telling myself that I was imagining it. It wasn’t my imagination though, was it?”
I sway on my feet as I cram my other hand in my pocket. “You don’t understand, we met months before you and I ever—”
“The two of you hooked up before we met and didn’t tell me?” she shouts, pushing on my chest. “Have the two of you been sneaking around behind my back this whole time?”
My face contorts in anger and disgust at her words. “Of course not! Are you even listening to yourself right now? I wasn’t the one who cheated.” Cat blanches, the fury on her face replaced with shameful sorrow. “If you don’t trust me, surely you know Lori would never do something like that to you.”
My need to defend Lori causes Cat’s face to sour again. “No, she would simply neglect to tell me she’d already been with the guy I’m dating.”
She turns on her heel, heading into the living room toward the front door with me on her heels.
“Lori was only trying to protect you, she only wanted you to be happy.”
“Oh yeah,” she scoffs, slinging her bag on her shoulder. “She did a bang-up job of that, I’m extremely joyful right now.” She steps up to the door, pulling it open before looking back at me. “And you, why didn’t you tell me?” When I don’t give her an explanation she nods slowly then walks out, slamming the door behind her.
Well, fuck. That didn’t go well at all.