I opened the shed door and covered my nose and mouth when the smell hit me. “Oh, God.” My dad needed to trim the hedges before the party and he said the trimmers would be somewhere in the shed. Of course, nothing was organized.

I stood in the middle to get as used to the smell as I could before I removed my hand to look for them. I didn’t think I could do it. I started to look with one hand. I was considering running out to get fresh air to continue, but I didn’t want to have to explain why the shed smelled so bad to me.

“Ap?”

I turned to Tim standing in the doorway. I motioned for him to come in and mumbled, “Give me your shirt.”

He took it off and came over to me. “Did you get a nosebleed?”

I shook my head and waved my hand for him to hurry up. I grabbed it from him, balled it up, and put it up to my face. I took deep breaths. “You just saved my life.”

“What’s the matter?”

I made a helicopter motion with my finger. “Stinks.”

“Oh.” He laughed. He sniffed a couple of times. “It doesn’t smell any different.”

“Let’s stop talking about it, please. I just want to smell your shirt.”

“What are you doing in here if you can’t stand the smell?”

“Hedge trimmers.”

He looked around. “You keep smelling my shirt. I’ll find them for you. Don’t leave. I want to talk to you.”

“Then talk because this shirt is fading fast.” I straightened it out and bunched it up a different way to smell a different section. “Why is it wet?”

“I fixed the sink. While I was doing that, I was talking to your mom.”

My eyes grew wide. She wouldn’t have told him. “Oh, yeah?”

“Found them!” He raised them over his head as if he won some competition.

“Great. We can get out of here.”

He pulled on my arm. “Not yet.” He put the trimmers on the bench. “We need to talk.”

“Can we talk later? It really stinks in here.”

“I’m not telling your mom we broke up tomorrow.”

“But, we agreed. This was the whole reason you came with me.”

“I think we should try again. I know the truth now, and I know I’m the one you should be with.”

I closed my eyes. “I don’t want this to be the reason you try to get back together. We should’ve tried before my mom said anything. I just don’t think this reason alone will solve anything.”

He held my face as best he could with his shirt covering most of it. “I stayed away because of it. I didn’t want to interfere in your life, but there’s no way I can stay out of it. Please, don’t ask me to.”

“I’m not asking you to stay out of it. I don’t want you to be out of it, but you have to be sure you’re trying for the right reasons. I have to be sure I’m trying for the right reasons, too.”

“I stayed away for the wrong ones. That night we shared a couple of months ago was the best night of my life.”

“It was great, but we can’t base our relationship on sex or the consequences of it.” I didn’t want to cry, but it was hard to keep everything at bay. I wanted him to love me. I loved him and always would, but I didn’t want to come back for the baby. I wanted him to come back for us.

“It isn’t sex. I want you. I thought I was giving you the chance you deserved when I left you alone. I was trying to not meddle in your life, but it was hard to sit there and watch it happen in front of me. I went to Brody’s because I needed to get okay with it. I wasn’t okay with anything, but I wanted you happy. If he made you happy, I had to respect it. I had to let him take care of you since I couldn’t.” He placed his forehead to mine. “I didn’t and I’m sorry.”

“Who are you talking about?”

“Hank.”

I stepped back and dropped his shirt to my side. “Hank? Hank is just my friend. He’s . . . Hank? You thought Hank and I were . . .”

“Yeah, he was always there. Always hovering over you. Look at what I walked in on yesterday morning. He was in your bedroom holding you, and you were holding his face.”

“He was worried about me coming out here with you. He was worried I’d get my heart broken again and not be able to survive it. He’s gay for crying out loud. I—” I stopped yelling and started laughing.

“What’s so funny?”

“You were so confusing to me. I’d see glimpses of the man I fell in love with, and then something would happen and you’d shift again, but you were always curious about Hank. I thought you were into him.” I laughed again but tried to keep it contained. The look on his face was horror and confusion.

“You thought I was gay?”

“No, not really. I didn’t understand. There were times you asked more questions about Hank than me.”

“I was jealous.” He gripped my hips and pulled me close. “Your mom told me, actually.”

“My mom told you Hank is gay? That’s what you talked about.”

“That, and how much she knows we still love each other.” He kissed my neck.

“Still?”

“Yeah.” He moved to the other side of my neck. “She knew the whole time we’d split.”

I pushed him away. “She did not.”

He pulled me back. “She did.”

“We have a lot to talk about, but right now, I need to get out of here or I’m going to puke.”

* * *

Tim kept looking at me all day and giving me goofy grins. I wanted to believe him. I wanted to throw caution to the wind and jump into his arms, but I’d been hurt so much I didn’t know what to believe. It wasn’t only me I needed to think about anymore.

I rubbed my belly and closed my eyes. I wouldn’t put my baby through what he’d put me through the past three years. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t keep the baby from him, but he would need to prove he wasn’t a loose cannon before he could be part of our lives unconditionally.

“What’s the matter, love?” My mom came up and wrapped her arm around my waist as she rested her chin on my shoulder.

“Nothing. I’m just tired.” I looked around the dining room and the doorways to make sure it was just us. “Why didn’t you tell me you knew?”

“I could ask why you didn’t tell me on your own.” She brushed the hair out of my face. “You were always so independent. I couldn’t keep you here no matter what I wanted. You wanted the bigger city and always had the bigger dreams. I learned a long time ago that you needed to do things your way.”

“Sometimes I would’ve liked to have talked to my mom about it.”

“I think you did many times. It was presented in different ways, but I knew the troubles you were having were with Tim and not some asshole at the grocery store or some frustrated client at the center. I also knew the troubles Tim was having were with himself. As long as you were able to tell me you were safe every night we talked, I had to believe it and let it be. You’d come to me if you really needed me.”

“I don’t know what to do.”

“No? I think you’re scared. You have every right to be. I don’t think it’s been a smooth relationship, but I don’t think it’s something to throw away. I see the way you look at each other. He has had a shitty hand dealt to him, and he hasn’t handled it the best, but he’s a good guy, kid.”

“I know he’s a good guy.” I sniffed. “That’s what makes this all so hard. It’s been dark for so long I don’t know if he remembers how to be in the light. I don’t know if he remembers how good things can be. What if his brother sets him off again, or his dad doesn’t come around?” I couldn’t control the tears. “What if we try again and he realizes I’m not enough for him? I can’t survive it again.”

“Did I ever tell you why I named you April?” She held my face when I didn’t answer and made me look at her. “Did I?”

All I could do was shake my head.

“April is my favorite month. It’s the month the darkness of winter is finally over. Sure, March could have some nice days, too, but April is full of light and promise. Things that were dead are alive again.

“You know it won’t always be light, but when you see that first April day, that first glimpse of light, you know that darkness is something that can be weathered. You know light will always win. I had five boys, baby. You were my light.”

I laughed because I knew how my brothers were. I hugged her and held on tight. “I’m glad I could be your light.”

“I am, too.” She stroked my hair. “Nothing has to be decided tonight. Get some rest. Tomorrow is a big day.”

I pulled back and looked at the table. “But you need help.”

“Nah, I got the last few of them. Centerpieces are easy.” She winked and turned back to the table.

I was too tired to fight her on it. I needed sleep. I walked through the living room and took two steps up to the bedrooms before Tim saw me. I was hoping to get up there unnoticed.

“Do you guys need help with anything?”

“No, I’m going to bed. I’m tired.” I rolled my eyes when he started to follow. “You don’t have to come to bed. I’m going to sleep. Come in and move me over when you get into bed.”

He continued to follow me and it pissed me off. He listened to nothing I wanted. It further proved he wouldn’t change when we got home. I shut the bedroom door before he got to it.

It opened fast, but he didn’t let it slam. “What’s wrong? You look like you’ve been crying.”

“I talked to my mom is all. You know I get emotional when I talk to her sometimes. It’s nothing.” I grabbed my pajamas and tried to walk past him, but he wouldn’t move. “Come on. I need to change, and since you’re in here, I need to go to the bathroom to do it.”

“I’ve seen you naked before. Why be shy now?”

“You’ve seen me naked because we were in a relationship. You no longer get that automatic right just because you used to have it.”

“Okay.” He looked to the side but still didn’t move. “What’s going on? I thought we were going to try to work things out.”

“Yes, because that’s what you want. You don’t bother to ask me what I want.” I crossed my arms. “It’s always been like this with you. Always.”

He seemed to shrink with every point I made even though the points didn’t really make sense. He was very attentive in the beginning and cared about what I wanted. Brody leaving snapped something in him and I lost him for a while.

“I’m sorry, Tim. I want to go to bed. I want to get some sleep. We can talk about this next week when we’re back home.”

“I’m not sure there’s anything to talk about.”

I sighed and tossed my hands into the air. “So, now you’re back to not talking?”

“I don’t know what I am anymore.” He raised his voice. “When I saw you and Hank at Brody’s wedding, it clicked something inside of me. Call it jealousy or whatever you want to, but when I dragged you out on that dance floor, I was prepared to never let you go again.

“But you did want me to let you go. You wanted to go back to the hotel with Hank. I thought I could talk to you there. I thought I could tell you then I wanted another chance, but then I saw you smile. A smile you used to reserve for me you smiled for him and let him into your hotel room. What was I supposed to think?” He paced and put his hands on top of his head.

“What I was smiling at was the fact he tried to pluck his eyebrows because he was bored and couldn’t do the other one. He came to me with tweezers in hand and asked me to even him out. Believe me, there is nothing sexual about plucking a gay man’s eyebrow.”

“How was I supposed to know that?”

“Oh, I don’t know.” I hit my forehead with the palm of my hand. “Maybe you should ask for once instead of assuming anything!”

“You want me to ask? Fine, I’ll ask. What do you want from me? Do you want my sacrifice in a pit of fire at your family’s party tomorrow? Do you want me to be the male stripper and embarrass myself in front of everyone including your brothers? Do you want me to get on my knees and beg your forgiveness?”

He dropped to his knees. “I’ll beg you to give me another chance every day for the rest of my life if that will make a difference. I’ll beg even if it doesn’t because I am still, always have been, and always will be in love with you.”

I covered my face with my pajamas and cried. I was so tired. I wanted to go to bed. I wanted to sleep the night away and not deal with any of it. I wanted to wake up with all the answers, but I knew I wouldn’t.

He got up and held my hips. “What do you want? I’ll give you whatever that is no matter how much it hurts me. If you want me to go, I’ll go. If you want me to stay, I’ll live the rest of my life making up for everything I’ve ever done to you. What do you want?”

“I don’t know.”

He let go and dropped his arms to his sides before he backed up a few steps. “I’ll sleep on the couch if it will help you. Whenever you know what you want, I’ll be here. I’ll listen and do whatever it takes to make you happy. Fuck, I even left you with a gay guy because I thought he would make you happy.”

He turned to go, and once his hand was on the doorknob, I started to panic. Once the door was open, I couldn’t breathe. When he stepped one foot outside, I cried.

“I want you!” I fought to catch my breath. “I want us. I want babies. I want a home. I don’t know if you can give those to me, but I want it all.”

He shut the door and stormed over to me. I braced myself for another fight, but there was no way to brace myself for what he did.

He grabbed my face and kissed me. He wrapped his arms around me and lifted me off the floor as he kept kissing me. We spun around to the wall and he pressed me up against it. I wrapped my legs around him and felt his erection as he grinded his hips into me.

“Down. Down. Put me down.”

He was breathing hard when he pulled back and looked at me. “You want to stop?”

“Fuck no. I need these pants off now.”

He set me on my feet and tried to help me unfasten my pants. I took his hands and moved them to his. He got the hint and stripped. I was finished before him and dropped to my knees. It had been too long since I had him in my mouth.

I licked the tip and slid it in almost to the back of my throat. I didn’t have much time to waste. I wanted to fuck him before my parents came upstairs, but I needed to taste him first. I tugged on his balls as I put him in the back of my throat and smiled when he braced himself on the wall.

“Oh, you can’t do that if you want me to last.”

I bobbed my head a few more times and sucked when I pulled him out. He pulled me up to my feet the second he was out of my mouth. “I was making sure you were ready.”

“I think you know how ready I am.” He kissed me and walked me backward a few steps.

“No, the wall.” I turned us and pulled him toward the wall. “The bed creaks and I’ll fall asleep as soon as I hit it.”

“We need to talk about this tired thing. I’m concerned.”

I wrapped my hand around his dick and pumped a few times. He was getting too serious. “We will talk about it. I promise. Right now, I just want to fuck.”

He picked me up by my hips and slammed me into the wall. He kissed me and wrapped my legs around him as he entered me. We both gasped.

I tilted my head back to give him access to my neck as he thrust his hips. “No marks. You can mark me when we get home.”

“Every night for the rest of my life.”

I gripped his hair and made him look at me. “You mean that?”

His thrusts slowed, but he never stopped. “Until the day I die. Which might be tonight if you keep talking.”

I smiled and kissed him. I placed my forehead on his shoulder when he went faster. “Yes, faster.”

He cupped my ass and squeezed as he thrust harder. I tightened my legs around him and tilted my head back. “Just like that.”

I moved my hips and thrust into him. I couldn’t get enough. I could get him deep enough. “More, please.”

He wrapped one arm around my waist when he pulled us away from the wall and placed one hand on the wall to balance us. I put my hands on his shoulders and bounced in his arms.

“Oh, God.” I couldn’t catch my breath. “Fuck. I need you to kiss me.”

“I want to hear you scream my name.”

“I don’t need my parents to hear it.” I tilted my head back. “Oh, fuck. Tim, please.”

He took the hand that was on the wall and lifted my head up to him to kiss me. He pressed me against the wall again and drove his hips into me harder than he had all night. Even with him kissing me, it was hard to keep quiet.

“Yes, yes.” I gripped his hair as he kissed me again. I couldn’t breathe. I needed air, but I needed him more. “Tim, Tim,” I chanted his name. “I’m so close.”

He moved one hand between us and rubbed my clit. I moved my hands to his shoulders and dug my nails in as I bit down on my bottom lip. I couldn’t help it. I cried out when my orgasm hit. “Oh, God. Fuck, don’t stop.”

I squeezed my walls around him and felt him falter. He was close, too. I kept squeezing him, but when the second orgasm hit, it brought him with me.

“April, fuck.” We had our heads on each other’s shoulder as he finished and thrust a few more times. “I love you, April. I love you so much.”