Rainbow in the Dark (Steel)
It’s September, and it’s still hot as hell in Mississippi. I swear to God, I’m finding myself a carnival in Alaska next year.
Emily’s doing real well at the basket toss, getting guys to part with their money hand over fist. Next year, I’m sure Papa Smurf is going to give her her own booth. Then she’d be making some serious money and we’ll be able to pay for all the air conditioning we want.
It’s early morning, and I’m sitting on a lawn chair in front of our trailer drinking a coffee, enjoying the cool breeze before it turns into a furnace blast again. With Emily here, we almost never party late, we’d rather be alone in our trailer. Even when we’re not fucking.
Getting to sleep at a decent hour means we’re always up at a normal time. Usually eight, but sometimes earlier. I’ve realized how much I enjoy being up before everyone else, when the camp is nice and quiet.
I take a sip of my coffee, breathing the aroma through my nose as I drink. This is good. Life is good.
It’s Wednesday, we get the big rides put up today, and finish them off tomorrow and open the carnival Friday night.
Emily comes walking between the trailers, returning from the communal washrooms. She’s not watching where she’s going and narrowly misses the corner of a picnic table.
As she gets closer, the look on her face becomes clear. Her eyes are wide, but vacant, and her jaw is tight. Her fists are balled, and something is in one of them. I set my coffee down, jump up and go to her side.
“What’s wrong?” I ask.
She looks at me, her eyes boring into my face, and says, “I’m pregnant.”
Her words knock the wind out of me, and I feel like I’ve taken a cannonball to the gut. I can’t even find the way to say anything, and I stand there, feeling numb.
Emily carries on walking past me and straight into our trailer. My feet are frozen to the ground, and I can’t move. I stand here trying to digest what just happened.
How did this happen, I thought she was on the pill?
I take a deep breath and drag myself back to my lawn chair. I’m not proud, I feel like an asshole sitting here when I should be in there, holding her and telling her everything’s going to be okay.
But how can I say those things when I don’t know if it’s true or not. I mean, I can make a lot of things better, but I don’t know shit about babies. Or raising them. All I know is they sound expensive and money’s the one thing I don’t have heaps of.
“Fuck!” I yell into the air.
I force my sorry ass out of the chair. What kind of piece of shit am I, letting her walk into the trailer by herself? I open the door and walk in.
Emily’s lying on the bed, flat on her back and staring at the ceiling. I lie down on my side beside her, and put my arm around her. Her temples are stained with tears, and I kiss the one nearest me. As if that can make this better.
“I love you,” I say, my voice soft, “You need to know that. No matter what, I’ll always love you.”
She turns her head, and our eyes connect. Her eyes are glassy from tears, and she’s breathing hard through her mouth.
“I don’t know what to do,” she says, rolling onto her side to face me.
Taking her hand, I grip it in mine and hold it between us, in the space between our chests. The air hangs heavy for a moment, because I don’t know how to respond to that. I don’t know what to do either. More importantly, I don’t know what she wants to do.
“Whatever happens, I’ll be here for you,” I say, forcing the words past the lump in my throat.
Her eyes shut and she starts crying hard, her entire body shaking with her sobs. I let go of her hand and press as much of my body against her as I can. We’re so tight together that my body moves with her sobs.
“How did this happen?” I ask, my voice low.
“I don’t know. Maybe getting the prescription a couple of days late last month?”
“Does two days matter that much?”
“What are you saying? You think I didn’t take the rest on purpose? I don’t want a baby, I just turned twenty-one.”
Jesus, I didn’t mean it that way.
“I’m not saying anything, just trying to understand is all.”
“Are you blaming me for this?”
I tilt her head and stare into her eyes.
“Absolutely not,” I say.
“Then what does it matter how it happened?”
“It doesn’t. I’m only trying to digest this. It’s a big of a shock, you know?”
“I’m not ready for a baby,” she says, sniffling.
“It’s okay, Goldie. Everything will be okay,” I say, stroking her arm.
“You won’t leave me?” she asks, her voice halting and weak.
“You’re my wife, I ain’t ever leaving your side.”
“Promise you’ll never walk out on me and the baby?”
“I made that promise on our wedding day. There’s no way I’d ever walk away from the best woman in the world. Especially not if she’s the mother of my child.”
Emily leans into me, and we lie in each other’s arms in silence.
Is she going to leave me because I’ll never be able to give our baby the life she had growing up? It’s one thing for her to shun that ritzy lifestyle she’s used to, but will she think it’s good enough for her baby? My baby?
Shit, I never considered that before. What if Emily doesn’t think I’m good enough to be the father of her child? Maybe she won’t want me in her life any more.
Our carny wedding on the Ferris wheel meant a hell of a lot to me, but I’m a carny, it’s my tradition. Not hers. It could all have been pretend in her mind.
What if she kicks me out of her life?
My mind’s racing now, and I can’t stop it. I hold her tighter, trying to calm myself.
“This is some pretty big news,” I say, “we don’t need to figure everything out right now.”
She doesn’t respond, instead she relaxes all her weight against me. I might be imaging things, but Emily’s not crying as hard and her breathing’s almost back to normal.
A baby in the carnival. Does she think that’s a good idea?
Hell, do I think it’s good idea for my baby? To grow up in a carnival, where the only people to play with are adults? Ones who are often either drunk or high?
I know what it’s like to grow up around booze and drugs. It’s not something I want for my own child.
Emily stays in the trailer all day, but I have to make sure the rides get put up safely. These assholes can’t handle one day without me, even though they might as well change my name to Zombie because that’s all the use I’m being.
All I can think of is a little me running around and my heart melts. Emily’s so kind and caring, she’s going to be the best mother ever.
And I sure as shit am not going to let her down. She deserves a husband who provides her and our baby the best life possible, and I’m going to make that happen. The baby may want for material shit, but no baby of mine is never going to want for love of its father.
There’s no way I’m letting my baby grow up the way I did.
At three o’clock, I decide enough of this shit, I need to be with Emily. I stop by the carny cafeteria, and buy her a burger and fries.
“Hey, I brought you some food” I say, entering the trailer.
She’s lying on the bed, and I wonder if she’s even moved all day. Emily sits up and swings her feet over the edge of the bed. I take a seat on the edge bed beside her.
“Thanks,” she says, and takes the fries from me.
I set the burger on the trailer’s little stove top. I rest my hand on her knee, wanting to do more but not sure what she wants me to do.
“How are you feeling?” I ask.
Emily looks at me, her face long, and says, “Scared.”
“Don’t be. I’ll take good care of you.”
“I think I need to leave the carnival.”
“I think we need to leave it. But not before the season finishes. If we screw the carnival, there ain’t no way Papa Smurf would welcome us back. Besides, that gives us a month to figure out what the fuck we’re doing.”