CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
KATE
It’s shocking how quickly life can change. People walk across the street and end up dead every day. Someone comes home from work and finds their spouse cleaned out the apartment. Someone goes to sleep and wakes up a million miles away from home.
I take a pregnancy test and Lily moves into my apartment, short-term until we decide something better. What was once an amazing bachelorette pad with booze and frozen quiches turns into a den covered in baby magazines and formula samples.
“You should pull a Paltrow and name the baby after the food you eat the most during the pregnancy.” Lily says from behind a celebrity mama magazine. “Like Blueberry or Kumquat or something.”
“Kumquat?” I stare at her over my copy of Parenting. “I’m not a monster, Lily.”
“If someone names their kid Apple, you can go with Kumquat.”
“Yeah, but Apple doesn’t sound like post-sex jizz.”
“What the hell is post-sex jizz?”
“You know, after you have sex and it just keeps gushing?”
“I think that means there’s a problem.” Lily laughs. “Who the hell does that?”
“David.” I shrug. “He should probably see a doctor then, I don’t know. I don’t have a dick so I thought it was normal.”
“Nothing about him is normal.”
“Preach.” Lily pauses. “Actually. I’ve been meaning to ask you.”
I tense, trying to force up walls before she says anything. None of these conversations that start with “I’ve been meaning to ask” end with something pleasant. Like “do you like chocolate-covered almonds, because I have some” or “do you want this free-massage coupon at Rainfall?” No, it’s always terrible.
“It’s been a few days. Have you considered talking to David?”
“No.” I hide behind the magazine so she doesn’t see the look of hurt-filled terror on my face.
As if I’d do anything with that asshole ever again. He complicated my life in one-hundred different ways before this even happened. I was finally starting to feel relaxed. I got to taste freedom. And then he roped me back in with a freaking fetus.
“Give it a few days and see if you have a change of heart. This is a big deal.”
“No David ever again.” I swallow down a sharp lump in my throat. “I guess I haven’t told you about the most recent messages, then.”
“No.” Lily smacks her magazine on the couch. “What did he do now?”
“Oh, usual David shit.” I try to sound airy about it, like it doesn’t bother me. The complete opposite is true, but there’s that saying about faking it until you make it, right? “He’s threatening me with more bad press if I don’t agree to settle outside of court.”
“With what? Stories about how you wouldn’t suck his microscopic dick?” Lily snorts. “What an ass.”
“I guess? He doesn’t stop though, Lily. I swear, every time I set down my phone, he sends me another message. Tells me I belong to him. Tells me he’ll ruin me. Tells me he’ll follow me if he has to.”
“Kate.” Lily turns serious. “Report his ass. Call the cops.”
“He’s just trying to bully me.” I shrug even though my stomach clenches. “It’s not a big deal.”
“It’s very much a big fucking deal. Call the cops. At the very least call Vivian so she can document this shit.”
“You’re probably right. I’ll send her screenshots.”
We fall into silence. The worst part of all this is I feel I have no excuse. Sure, I should have reported him… but I didn’t. I should have kept him outside my apartment every time he came over… but I didn’t.
I should have remained celibate and never fallen for his lawyer… but I didn’t.
Tears prick at my eyes and I brush them away before they can form. I’m done with crying. I’m done with worrying over a stupid man. God help me if this baby is a boy.
“Have you talked to Eric since you found out?”
“No. He was very clear about never hearing from me again.” I turn the page so hard I get a paper cut. As much as it hurts, it’s almost a relief to feel pain somewhere else besides in my head and my heart.
And my digestive tract.
“That’s probably for the best. We don’t need him thinking he’s got something over you too.”
“No man will have something over me ever again.”
“They aren’t all bad.” Lily says, but backtracks. “Never mind.”
“No, it’s okay.” I force a smile. “I know you’re really happy with the new guy. Don’t feel like you have to hide it from me.”
“I just feel so bad.” Lily smile meekly. “You’re in such a bad place.”
“Let me live vicariously through your joy. Remind me there is goodness out there. Remind me the Y-chromosome isn’t exclusively terrible.”
“I can do that.”
Silence again. It’s thick and sits uneasy against my skin. Pretending to be happy for Lily took more energy than I expected. And despite reading numerous blogs about having kids despite terrible life situations, or having kids when they didn’t want them, no one managed to make me feel better about this whole thing.
Maybe I am still in shock, but there is no way to feel better. Everything is lose-lose, but the only person who suffers is me. David gets out of this scotch-free. He won’t even have to know while I’m making plans to change my entire life.
“What about adoption?” Lily asks, moving next to me. “Then you don’t have to go through the life-altering changes of raising a baby.”
“I’ve thought about it.” I say noncommittally. “Honestly, Lily, I don’t know that I go through that heartache. I wish I could just… undo it.”
“I know.” She rests her head on my shoulder. “It’s not fair. After everything that has happened over the last year, this is the last thing that needed to happen. But we’ll get through it together. We will.”
“Thank you.” I rest my head against hers. “I don’t think I’d make it through this without you. Truly.”
“Chicks before dicks, Kate. Always.”
“Maybe I should just leave the country after the divorce is done.” I say slowly. It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while, underneath all the freak-outs and stress. “I don’t want to be anywhere near David. No matter what I choose to do, I don’t want him involved at all, you know? Maybe I’ll go to France or Spain or something and have the baby there. No cameras, no David. The tiniest shred of privacy.”
“Hey, that’s an idea.” Lily encourages. “You can relax by the water and take it easy. Pregnancy is already difficult. Adding extra stress from being here isn’t good for either of you.”
“Exactly. Maybe my mom will come with me.”
“Have you told her yet?”
“You’re the only one who knows.” I shake my head. “Can’t bring myself to say the words.”
“No one needs to know even if you were about to pop. We’ll find clever ways to hide you, like they do on sitcoms. Fluffy scarves, big bags, things like that.”
“This is why you’re my best friend. You have great ideas. We’ll just get out of here and disappear into the fray. Let’s go now.”
“Soon.” Lily promises. “Soon.”