Chapter 18

McKenna

Sated and satisfied, I lay on his couch, arms wrapped around his waist as I contemplated his words.

Forever. Was that possible with this man? Was I capable of it too? I wanted to be. More than anything else in my life, I wanted that chance with him.

Hot breath covered my neck like a blanket, and I found my fingers stroking his spine of their own accord.

“That should’ve been our first time,” he finally said, pulling back to kiss me softly on the lips. Afterward, he trailed his nose up and down my cheek in a move that went beyond sexy, running straight toward intimate.

“But it wasn’t.” I rolled out from under him and onto my side, facing him, contentment so warm in my chest that I almost believed it wasn’t real.

Until he smiled at me. Lips wet and pink from mine.

“You know what they say though.” He winked.

“What’s that?” I reached forward, tracing a drop of sweat that ran between his pecs. He had the most incredible body: sculpted and handcrafted by the gods, it would seem.

“First the worst, second the best.” He smiled so widely that I couldn’t help but kiss his lips again.

Out of my element, but no longer able to stop myself, I pulled back and reached up to stroke his cheek with the back of my knuckles. Beneath my fingers, his beard tickled my skin, and I swear my heart burst inside my chest when he nuzzled against my hand.

Part of me should have been disgusted that we were still lying there, his release trickling down my thigh, our bodies covered with the stench of sweat and sex. But instead, I was lost in a world of postorgasmic bliss, something I rarely let myself experience.

“We need to talk though.” He pressed his finger along my naked hip, stroking a circle around the bone. This was the part where I should have gotten up and run. Yet now all I wanted was to fall asleep in his arms.

I yawned, as if on cue. “I know.”

“You’re pregnant with my baby.”

I nodded, squirming at the low rumble of his words. The familiar tug of fear I’d been living with for a week started to burn my chest, and I pulled my hand away from his face to cover my heart, willing the pain away. “I am.”

“That’s a pretty big deal, don’t you think?” He frowned.

Shrugging, I looked down at his chest, trying to keep my body from stiffening. I told him I’d try, that I’d give us a chance. And I wanted that. Truly. But I wasn’t sure how. And now that the intimacy had passed and the postorgasmic bliss was waning, reality was pushing me into flight mode again.

Forever, he’d said. Need you forever.

God, what had I done?

Sex more than once with a man?

And my feelings? I felt them inside like unwanted gifts on holidays. Gifts I wouldn’t dare give back but wasn’t sure I wanted to keep. Yet things were different now. And though the idea of pursuing a relationship with this man scared me, I knew I couldn’t walk. Not anymore. Because no matter what happened, Gavin was now a permanent fixture in my life.

“It is a big deal,” I finally said as I sat up. When I reached for my dress on the floor, he didn’t stop me. Instead, he sat up too, grabbing his shirt and pulling up his boxers and jeans.

My nipples ached from his lips and mouth, and the thought of putting my bra back on was not appealing in the least. Instead, I settled my dress over my body, sans coverage, thankful it was dark enough outside that nobody would see what I had stashed beneath.

I cleared my throat, stuffing my bra into my purse. “Which is why I think adoption is probably the best road. That way we don’t have to worry and all.”

Gavin grew quiet, his body dangerously still.

“Adoption,” he finally said, lowering his chin to his chest.

I touched his shoulder, my skin now ice cold. “Gavin?”

He nodded once, then stood, looking everywhere but my face. “Sounds to me like you’ve got this all figured out.” His voice was soft. Not mean in the least. But hearing him say that was like a punch to the chest. A kick in the gut. Why was he giving up so easily? And why did I care, when this was supposed to be what I wanted?

“Well, no. Not exactly. I mean, I know this is your baby too, but—”

“But it’s your body, McKenna.” He sighed, running a hand through his shaggy hair. “In the end, you should get to decide what you want, not me.”

“But you’re the father.” I frowned, not understanding where this was coming from. Why I was arguing, when I knew adoption was for the best.

“I am.” He rubbed the back of his neck, clearly uncomfortable, though when we’d made love just minutes before, he’d looked like the happiest man alive. “But, like I said, this should be your decision.”

I licked my lips as I gathered words. “Gavin, I-I really like you, okay? I’m just not sure if a baby is right for me. But if for some reason, you wanted to keep it…”

His gaze flickered to mine, a light shining back on inside. Right then and there, I knew the truth. Gavin did want this baby. But he wanted me more.

I loved kids. Truly. That wasn’t the problem. I just didn’t have it in me to mother one. Had never really had a desire to either. I was never taught compassion growing up, and I was always making terrible, rash decisions. Having a baby meant making responsible choices for a tiny human who would rely on me for everything.

What if I made a mistake? What if I messed him or her up because of that?

“The timing sucks, yeah. And neither of us is in a place for kids, but…” A glimmer of a smile touched his lips.

That smile that settled it for me once and for all.

If Gavin wanted this baby—our baby—he could have it.

Unfortunately, in that moment, the baby and I were not a package deal.