Chapter 11

Gavin

“McKenna…” I started.

Kenna stood fixed on the other side of the threshold, looking worse than she had two days ago. Uncombed hair, pale complexion, dark circles under her eyes, which were bright red. Yet even haggard, she was still the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.

“Hey.” She tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “I was wondering if we could—”

“I think I’m going to take off, Gavin.” Sienna came up beside me, eyes widening a little at the sight of McKenna. I cringed, wondering if I should do introductions, only for Kenna to jump in first.

“You’re busy. I’ll come back another time.” She backed away, eyes welling with tears.

“Wait, please. Don’t go.” She was the reason I was breaking. She was also the reason I was struggling to pick myself up again. One night with this woman, and I was a mess. She was the unattainable lover I could never have again.

But she was here now…

Sienna touched my shoulder, then smiled politely at Kenna. “I was just leaving. Please, do stay.” She looked at me, knowingness in her gray eyes. “And thank you for tonight, Gavin. I’ll talk to you soon.” Then she was gone. A woman who was textbook perfect, but not for me.

“I’m sorry,” Kenna said, watching Sienna get into her car from over her shoulder. “I didn’t mean to mess up your date.”

“You told me to leave” were the first words out of my mouth. I didn’t expect to be so pissed. But I was. “In your apartment, when you were so sick, you told me to leave and…” I took a breath, letting it come out in a rush as I struggled for words.

Kenna sighed and kicked the tip of her shoe against the porch floor. “It was a bad day.”

“You’ve had a lot of those lately,” I grumbled.

She shrugged, then looked inside my apartment. “Do you mind if we talk?”

“About?”

“Us.”

I froze, unsure if I’d heard her right. “Us?”

She nodded. “Yeah.”

If I let her inside, if we talked, there was a ninety percent likelihood that she’d run away again. Question was, could I keep doing this? Let her in, only for her to push me away? I was already tired of it—the games, the yes, the no, the I can’t. Which is why this talk of ours? It would have to be on my terms, not hers.

“How about tomorrow night?” I asked, trying to stay strong but struggling every second longer we stood there, so close, yet so damn far away.

“Tomorrow,” she repeated, her blue eyes holding mine.

“Yeah.”

Just then, Cat came out of the house, purring as he rubbed himself in between Kenna’s legs. I lifted my head, finding her gorgeous, wide smile, and all the air in my lungs grew heavy, burning. I pressed my palm against my heart, wishing it’d stop with the fucking reactions.

“You kept him?” She bent over to pick him up. Pulling him to her chest, I watched as she snuggled him close, wishing she was holding me instead.

“I did.” I smiled. “Named him Cat.” I could have told her why I kept him: that I was lonely and tired of being that way, that more than anything, I wished she were in the bed next to me at night instead of him. Though I suppose he could stay too, at the foot of the bed or something.

But I didn’t say any of that.

I couldn’t.

Not when her words kept running through my head.

Go away. Please.

My chest grew tight at the memory. Too many people had said similar shit to me, and it wasn’t something I could just get over. Not anymore.

“That’s a very original name.” She rubbed her cheek against Cat’s nose, eyes shut. Her hair fell over his face, and he batted it away with his white paws.

“He likes you.” I stuck my hands in my pockets.

Her smile decreased a little, but it still packed a punch, one that hit me straight in the gut this time.

“I like him too.”

Inside my house, my cell phone rang. It was likely Max, asking about how my date went, but it was enough to spook Kenna. “Tomorrow night, then. That will be better for me. I have to work all day, then maybe I can, um”—she tucked some hair behind her ear again as she looked at me from under her long side bangs—“come by and cook us dinner?”

I should’ve said no. Maybe told her I wasn’t in the state of mind to get head-fucked by her some more. What I needed to do was work on my house, as I’d planned, and concentrate on getting myself ready to go back to work on Monday. Yet telling her no didn’t exist in my limited vocabulary.

“Sure.” I held out my arms and grabbed Cat, setting him inside my place and pulling the door shut behind me as I stepped farther onto the porch.

“Awesome. What’s your favorite meal?” she asked.

“Not picky.”

“You’re a meat-and-potatoes man? Fish? Pasta?” She nudged me in the ribs with her elbow as we started walking down the driveway toward her car. Our arms were close, fingers closer. My body was humming for her, desperate to pull her close.

“Hmm. Whatever.”

“I’ll surprise you, then.”

I followed her with my gaze as she opened the car door, not asking questions when she got into her seat and waved goodbye.

* * *

McKenna

I couldn’t concentrate on my shift the next day, not that there was much to concentrate on. The patients were cranky as hell in orthopedics, and the other nurses were bitchier than the ones I typically worked with in the ICU. But they were short-staffed, and I was feeling generous.

Thank God I got two breaks.

What I needed was a toilet. And some coffee. For the first time in days, my stomach was grumbling for something real and nutritional. It was either a blessing or a curse, and I wasn’t sure which yet.

To get to the cafeteria, I had to pass the ER. I tried to avoid that place—the GSWs, the heart attacks… I might have been a nurse, but I preferred the slower paced departments. My ultimate goal was to work in an office, because the stress and hours of a hospital were becoming too much for me. This job was the epitome of stressful, but I couldn’t go back in time and tell twenty-year-old me to step away from the dream, that reality tended to be crap. Still, I loved helping people, cranky assholes or not.

Thankfully, the ER seemed to be quiet for the most part, other than a scuffle down the hall between a cop and a guy in cuffs who was puking all over the floor.

“Yeah, not cool.” I had veered off to the left when my cell rang. Frowning, I looked down at the screen. Addie was calling.

“Hey, girl. How are things in Minnesota?”

“Kenna? Oh, thank God you answered. Are you still working?”

“Well, hello to you too. And yes, I am.”

“Seriously, McKenna. There’s been an accident.”

My body went stiff. “What happened?”

“Apparently Lia and Max took Chloe to some pizza place, and she fell off a basketball game thing and broke her arm.”

“Shit.” Forgetting my break, I headed straight toward Peds. My guess was that Chloe was still in the ER, but X-Ray was closer to the pediatric unit than anywhere else, so I’d take the chance there first. “How long ago?”

Addie blew out a heavy breath, and I could tell she was holding the tears back. With her mom being so sick, she didn’t have time to deal with this.

“We just got the call ten minutes ago. Collin can’t get a flight out until tomorrow morning, so he’s pretty worked up.”

I cringed, imagining a worked-up Collin. “She’ll be in good hands. Max and Lia are here, and aren’t his parents too?”

“Yeah, but he hates that he can’t be. Both of us do. This is his baby girl.”

And yours too, I wanted to say.

Unconsciously, I lowered my hand to my stomach, wondering if I’d be the same way had the roles been reversed. “I’ll check on her as much as I can, okay?”

“Thank you.” She sniffed.

If I could hug her, I would, but I couldn’t, so I did the next best thing and distracted her. “Oh. I’ve got news.”

“What kind of news? Because I can’t take any more bad stuff right now.”

“No. This is…different news. I’m cooking dinner for Gavin tonight at his place.”

She coughed. “Come again?”

Swallowing hard, I stared at the floor outside the X-ray room. Maybe this wasn’t the best conversation I could offer. Still, I wasn’t graceful when it came to something that made me worry, and my worry over my best friend and Chloe were making me extra shaky. “I said I’m making dinner tonight for Gavin. At his place.”

“Wow. Okay, then. This is good news. I take it you told him everything after you left our place and things are going to work out with you two?”

I sucked in a deep breath, holding it for a second. “Well, technically—”

“…and you have no right to talk to me like I’m lower than you, you rotten bitch. This is my fifteen-month-old niece. I will be in that X-ray room with her, whether you like it or not.”

My eyes widened as a pink-and-purple-haired woman zoomed by me, raging mad and stabbing a finger in the air. On a stretcher next to her was a familiar-looking, curly-haired toddler with wet eyes and pouty lips: Chloe. An X-ray tech pushed her through the door, and the world’s bitchiest doctor walked five feet ahead of them.

“Um, I’ve got an emergency to get back to. Call me later?”

“Okay, love you, Kens. Please let me know what you find out.”

“Will do, babe.”

I hung up quickly, sticking my phone into the pocket of my scrubs. Not wasting any time, I took off after the four-person crew, eyeing the doctor with my world-famous glare. Of course Dr. Johanna would be the attending doctor tonight.

“Lia!” I grabbed her elbow before she could head into the X-ray room. “You okay?” Collin’s sister’s eyes were red and wet, her lip curled like that of an evil warrior as she stared at Dr. Johanna, who was retreating toward the ER. I squeezed her upper arm and urged her inside the room before closing the door. It was part of my silent promise to be there for both Chloe and Lia.

She wiped her wet cheeks and nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just worried is all. And that doctor…”

I cringed. “Yeah, Dr. Johanna can be a tad bit over the top sometimes.” And that was putting it mildly.

Hands shaking, Lia brought them to her mouth and nodded, glancing only briefly at me before focusing on Chloe.

“What happened?” I asked.

“She fell off a hoop game, trying to make a basket. It happened so quickly. Max and I were kissing and—”

“Kissing?” I quirked a brow, confused.

Her face paled. “I, um, yeah…”

I nodded, eyes narrowing a bit. If she and Max were together, I had to wonder if this was a secret they’d be taking to the grave. As far as I knew, this wasn’t something anyone else was aware of.

“I’m not judging, Lia. Accidents happen all the time. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

“I’m okay. Max is a bit shaken up, but I’m good now. Better.”

“Other than Dr. Wonderful, you mean?” I rolled my eyes.

Lia snorted—as did the X-ray tech—then bit down on her lip as she turned to look at Chloe again. The little girl was sniffling and crying as they moved her to the seat, but never once fought the tech as she adjusted Chloe’s little arm one way and another to get the right angle for the shot.

“Are you pregnant?” the tech asked Lia, who quickly shook her head no.

The lady looked at me next, the same question on her tongue. “Oh, uh, I have to get something across the hall,” I lied. “I’ll wait for you outside the room.”

Not bothering to look my way, Lia said, “Okay.” And I left to stand in the hall outside of the room.

Across from me on a tiny love seat was a couple waiting outside the ultrasound room. The man’s hands were on both sides of the woman’s stomach, while he put his mouth against the baby bump and silently spoke to it under his breath.

They were smiling. So…happy and accepting of what they’d created. The guy pressed his palm over the middle of the woman’s stomach next, the move so natural I struggled to look away. The lady set her hand over the back of his knuckles, telling him to hold still, that if he moved he wouldn’t be able to feel it kick.

My throat grew tight at the view, and tears burned in my eyes. There was so much to love about that beautiful moment, yet none of that would be for me.

Was it wrong of me to not want this baby—this child that was half Gavin’s, half mine? Was I a bad person to feel zero connection to it? Granted it was a tiny, minuscule blip, but it had a heart, one I helped to create. Still, nothing about that idea made me tingle like an expectant mother should when thinking of her unborn child. Instead, all I could see were the ways I’d screw a child up. How my mother would tell me I told you so.

Maybe Gavin would be a great father. Or maybe, like me, he didn’t want kids either. I’d seen him with Chloe, though, seen the love in his eyes when he held her. But did that mean he wanted to have a child of his own? There again, what if he did want that? Would he hate me because I didn’t? Or would he want this baby and offer to raise it without me?

My stomach churned as countless thoughts ran through my mind.

Kids were forever, a responsibility there was no escape from. I could barely take care of myself, let alone a tiny person. In the end, this baby would be coming in a little over eight months. Only time would tell whether I was strong enough to be the person a baby would need.

First, though, I needed to tell Gavin.