Chloe
I walked along the aisle, picking up the things Mum needed for dinner and some things she didn’t. I had successfully avoided Logan’s house for a two whole days. I’d managed to keep contact to a minimum, claiming that I was busy helping my parents make plans for their big anniversary trip in October.
But that was all about to change because Cassie was at the end of the aisle, looking at ready-made sandwiches. “Hey,” I said, stopping beside her.
She looked up and threw her arms around me. “Hey! What are you doing in a supermarket?”
“Getting my car repaired,” I replied sarcastically.
“Oh, ha ha.”
“Mum needed some stuff.”
Cassie pointed to my eyes. “You look tired.”
“Wow, thanks!”
“Come on. You not sleeping well?”
“I’ve had a couple late nights, no biggie.”
Two very late nights where I laid in bed until the early hours, scolding myself for liking Logan and wondering how the hell it happened in the first place.
“Late nights where? You’ve not been over in a couple days,” she said.
I frowned. What was with the twenty questions? “I’ll be over soon, the parents’ trip is almost sorted. Kinda want to go with them. Everyone okay?”
“We’re fine; we miss you!”
I grimaced. They were practically family and I missed them, too, but I didn’t like the way Logan made me feel. Or I did but knew I shouldn’t.
“Miss you guys, too.”
“I better go, lunch break is almost over and I’ve not eaten yet,” she said, holding up the sandwich she was buying. “Tomorrow, Chloe Holland, be at ours.”
“Yes, sir!”
Smiling, she walked off towards the tills.
I felt awful for lying to her. I think the only time I’d lied to her was when Jace and I first started having sex and I told her I was too ill to meet her in town because we wanted to spend the day in bed. Even then I felt so bad I vowed never to lie to her again, even if it was only something small. Here I was shovelling crap out of my mouth to cover up the fact that I was the worst person ever.
I grabbed the things Mum needed and headed home. Cass had texted me, telling me to come over at six tomorrow evening. The thought of being around Logan right now made me feel sick with nerves, excitement and guilt so I replied, telling her that I’d forgotten something I’d planned with Nell and couldn’t make it.
At some point I’d have to go over. I couldn’t avoid them all forever and I really didn’t want to, I just wanted to try and find a way of fixing whatever wire was loose in my brain that said Logan was a good idea. Hopefully, I could do that soon because I missed them all like crazy.
***
I was wiping down the tables at the end of my shift when Cassie burst through the door – literally. That wasn’t good. She had on her I’m on a mission face as she stalked towards me.
Pointing her freshly manicured finger, she said, “Right, you and me are going to sit down and talk about why you’re back to looking like you’re not sleeping much or eating properly. And why you’re avoiding us. If you think I believe you forgot about seeing Nell you’re very mistaken.”
“I’m working, Cass.”
“Then give me a cloth and I’ll wipe tables with you… while you talk.”
So there was no way I was getting away with this. Cassie didn’t give up when she set her mind on something and it would seem that operation get Chloe to spill all was her number one project right now.
But I really didn’t want to tell her.
“I’m just worried about uni starting up again.”
“Bull. Shit.” Her eyes widened a fraction. “If you think I don’t know what’s going on you’re stupid.”
“Well, if you know then why are you asking?”
“Because I want you to come to me. I want you to tell me.”
I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. God, I wanted to. I wanted someone to talk to about it but Cassie was the wrong person for that. Jesus, Nell was the wrong person. My friends had the right to give me their opinion and I already knew that what I felt was wrong.
She couldn’t know the real reason or she’d be pulling my hair out and telling me what a terrible person I was. There was nothing she could say to me that I didn’t already know. It shouldn’t be Logan.
“Come on, Chlo. We’ve been through so much, you can talk to me about anything and I’m not going to judge.”
“Not going to judge?”
“No. I promise I won’t.”
I wasn’t sure if she really did know. It sounded as if she did and she was clearly confident that she did but I couldn’t help thinking she would hate me.
I dropped the cloth on the table and sat down. Cass joined me. I felt sick and the words got stuck in my throat. “I don’t know what to do,” I said.
She sat still, silent and patient, not giving me any help to get out something as big as what I was about to tell her.
Dropping my gaze to the table, not being able to maintain eye contact, I said, “I like Logan.”
“I know, Chloe.”
I swallowed a lump in my throat and looked up at her with tear-filled eyes. “I’m so sorry, Cass. I don’t want to and I tried to stop myself. I can’t help it.”
“Hey, it’s okay.” She reached across the table and took my hand. “It’s really okay.” I could’ve cried I was so overwhelmed that she was supporting me rather than spitting on me. “I know you like him and it’s nothing to get yourself this worked up over. We’re all worried about you.”
All including Logan?
“What kind of person am I?”
“One who lost so much and deserves every bit of happiness.”
“You’re not getting this, Cass.”
“No, I think I am. You were going to fall for someone eventually, no one expected you to stay celibate for the rest of your life. If it was my choice I’d want it to be Logan.”
Was I asleep?
“What?” I asked.
“You’re like a sister to me and I know Logan cares about you, he’s the one who gets through to you, he protects you and keeps you safe. I get it, I really do, but I also know that if Jace had the choice he would want the two people he loved most to be happy. He would want Logan, someone he trusted with his life, to be the one who looked after you for the rest of your life.”
That all kind of sounded like better the devil you know. She wanted Logan because she knew he wouldn’t hurt me. I wanted Logan because he turned my world upside down, he made me question everything, he made me see impossible love in my future, he just made everything better.
“I appreciate that, Cass, but how can you not be mad? Jace is your brother, too.”
“And I love him just as much but Jace isn’t here, Chloe, and there’s nothing we can do about that. Logan’s here and you two have the chance to be happy. You’d be an idiot to ignore it when you know Jace would want you to do what made you happy.”
“See, I can’t wrap my head around that. Surely it would be anyone but Logan?”
“Why?” she asked.
“I don’t have to explain that.”
Sighing, she leant her arms on the table, getting closer, more serious. “You can’t help who you fall for, period. I know you and I know there is no way in hell you’d want Logan to be the one you fell for. I can see how hard this is on you and I hate that. You shouldn’t feel bad. We all love you, Logan and Jace. No one wants either of you to be unhappy. Life is so short, Chloe. Please, don’t make a mistake and push Logan away.”
I felt like I had just been abducted by aliens and planted down on Mars.
“I feel horrible, like I’m betraying Jace. I wish I could’ve just liked Rhys.”
“But you don’t and you don’t have to feel bad for something you can’t control. If Jace was still here then I’d be shouting but if his death has taught me anything it’s grab happiness whenever and wherever you can. No one wins if you don’t give this thing with Logan a chance, there’s just more loss and I’m so tired of loss.”
She struggled to keep it together when she talked of loss. Three years ago she had both brothers, a husband and was starting to try for the baby they both wanted.
“Even if something could happen with Logan, if I can get over the guilt, I don’t want to rush anything.”
“I’m not saying you should run into his arms right away, just don’t close yourself off. Nothing has to change now, Chlo. Logan knows something is up but he doesn’t know what, which is half of the reason why I’m here right now. I won’t tell him though, of course.”
Great, he knew something was up.
I groaned. “I don’t want him to be suspicious. I want to keep everything normal until I know if I can act on these stupid feelings.”
“If you want to keep things normal then you need to act normal. Logan doesn’t know so there’s no need for you to avoid him, and he deserves better than that.” Yes, he did. “Go do your ridiculous exercises, hang out, and do all of the things you usually do. Let it happen naturally or not, but keep an open mind.”
“Ugh, you’re right. Just because I feel like this doesn’t mean I have to act on it.” I hadn’t given myself any time before I condemned myself to going to hell. I could control it long enough to figure out what I wanted to do and until I, hopefully, stopped feeling like the evilest bitch on the planet.
“Exactly. Be what you are now and if it’s meant to be, which I believe it is, then it will happen when you’re both ready for it.”
I didn’t know how Logan felt about me, that was not a conversation that I planned on having, but the way she was talking was as if the ball was entirely in my court and one word from me would see us as a couple. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that so I had to ignore it. That was way too much pressure on an already fragile situation.