Chloe
After going home and agonising about my whole screwed up situation, I texted Jace to ask if I could come over earlier and talk to him. I’d expected him to say no outright or at least make an excuse but he told me he’d just got home and I could come over whenever I was ready. I wasn’t sure exactly how ready I was for another round but it had to be done so I got back in my little car and drove to his house.
I stopped in the drive and thankfully, I had the only car so hopefully no one else was in. Jace must have walked home, that or he wasn’t really going to meet me.
He opened the front door as I walked up the path. “Hi,” he said.
“Hey, Jace.”
Stepping aside, he let me in and then closed the door. “Take a seat, Chloe.”
I sat on the sofa and looked at him as if he’d called me round and should start.
“Logan’s working until four,” he said, breaking the silence that seemed to stretch into minutes.
That gave us an hour. “Okay. Actually, that’s good.”
“It’s good?”
“We need to talk.”
“And you can’t do that in front of your boyfriend?”
“When you say it like that you prove exactly why I can’t. This isn’t about Logan anyway, it’s about us.”
“I didn’t think there was an us anymore.”
Oh my God, I’m going to hit him!
“Alright, sit the fuck down and grow the fuck up.”
Jace blinked in shock and I kinda did a little too. But I was fed up of the animosity and bitching.
“Just sit, Jace. We need to sort this out. I don’t want to lose you but if things keep going the way they are I don’t know how I can have you in my life.” I will not cry. “I lost you once, Jace, and I…”
He held his hands up. “Alright, I’m sitting.” He flung himself down on the sofa next to me and then I was wrapped in his arms. “I don’t want to lose you either.”
I pulled back. It was too familiar. Being in Jace’s arms used to be my favourite place to be and the first place I ran to if I was having a bad day. Now he was the cause of the bad day and the one I wanted for comfort was his brother. And just to fuck things up that little bit more I wanted to snuggle right back into Jace’s arms.
The flood of emotion I felt was so overwhelming I didn’t quite know how to handle it. I wanted to cry and scream and throw a party at the same time.
“You’ve got the floor, Chloe. I don’t know where to start.”
Neither do I.
“I don’t want to talk about why you didn’t contact us. We’ve been over that and I’ll never be okay with it. I don’t want to fight so let’s just say I accept why you did it. I wouldn’t want to put the people I love in danger either.”
“Thank you.”
I didn’t expect that thank you so I just nodded. “When you… died I felt like I’d had the ground whipped out from under me and I was just falling. We made all these plans, Christ, our whole future was mapped out. I knew what I was going to be doing for the rest of my life and it was all with you. Then I had nothing. Everything changed and I missed you so much I could barely breathe.” I rubbed my aching chest.
Keep it together.
Talking about what a wreck I was brought it all back and I felt what I felt back then.
“I was a mess, Jace, and that’s putting a positive spin on it. My whole future disappeared when you did. Saying goodbye to you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It was saying goodbye to the man I loved as well as a life I so desperately wanted. We’d never have chips on a bench by the sea when we were old and wrinkled.”
“Chloe,” he groaned.
“No, please. I need to do this. I missed so much school that I failed the year and had to repeat, which is why I’m not done with uni yet. I didn’t go out, I barely ate or slept or spoke. I was trying to figure out what I should be doing but there was nothing but emptiness.”
“Until?” he said, still reading me like a book.
“Until about a year ago when Logan pulled me out of bed, shoved me in the shower and forced me to leave the house. We went for a walk and he told me he wasn’t going to let me live like a shadow anymore. And he didn’t. Every bloody morning he called to make sure I got out of bed. He came over after work, sometimes before if I didn’t answer. He made me eat and focus on something other than uni. He made me feel emotion again, rather than just emptiness. It was mostly anger when he wouldn’t give me a break but it was still something.”
I smiled as I remembered his sheer determination to piece me back together again.
“He let me cry over you and talk about you but he never let me wallow. That was the part I couldn’t do. I couldn’t let myself grieve without getting lost to it. Then he made me come to your house like I used to. I felt such comfort being with your family and being in your room again. It was like you were still there in some way.”
Jace said nothing, he just watched me with tears in his eyes.
“I started to feel better and I looked forward to things again. It was all different, my future was nothing like the one I wanted, the one we created, but I knew that it could be good, too. Looking after me is the reason Logan hasn’t killed his liver. He drank so much, Jace. Everyone was worried and I feel so bad that I wasn’t there for him more at first. But the day he came over and quite literally pulled me out of bed was a turning point for us both. I had someone that was forcing me to get better and he had something other than his grief to focus on.”
“Wow,” he said. “Logan didn’t tell me all of that.”
“Did you ever give him the chance?”
“Not exactly.”
Well, that’s why.
“I’m so sorry, Chloe. I knew you’d be devastated but I had no idea. I thought you would all be okay because you had each other. You’ve always been close with my family.”
“I was okay in the end. We all came together, I’m just sorry it took us so long.”
“When did things change between you and Logan?”
“About five or six months ago. I started to feel more than friendship and it scared me. He was the last person in the world that I wanted to have feelings for. I went on a few dates with a guy from work but it never felt right. The only person I felt comfortable with was him. One day we almost kissed and then I tried to forget it, but I couldn’t. Then I confronted him and we did kiss.”
“Right.”
“I ran away from him a few times. The guilt was crushing. But I could only stay away for so long. I realised that I wanted him and we ended up together.”
“And that brings us to now.”
“Yes.”
“Okay.” He took a deep breath. “Thank you for explaining. I think I get how you two got together.”
Him understanding it doesn’t mean he was okay with it. I wanted him to be okay. I couldn’t ask for his blessing, it was too messed up, but I wanted it.
“You said you felt guilty.”
“Of course, I did, Jace. I’m not that much of a terrible person.”
Nodding once, he replied, “I know that. It’s hard to get my head around the fact that you both went there. You felt guilty about it but you still did it.”
How on earth was I supposed to explain that me and Logan were like opposite ends of magnets, that no matter how hard we tried to stay away we pulled back together. How was I supposed to tell Jace that Logan was on my mind constantly and that all I wanted was to be with him.
“It… We tried, Jace. We tried to ignore it and when we couldn’t I tried to stay away. We didn’t get a choice.”
“Just like I didn’t have a choice in staying away.”
I bit my bottom lip. He was right. I screamed at him and blamed him for the pain he’d caused me and his family over the last three years but my choice to be with Logan was no more a choice than his not to call. There was still something there that blamed him, though. I didn’t want to fight so I held my tongue.
“I’m sorry, Jace.”
“So am I. Can’t help thinking that if I’d done something, found some way of letting you know I was okay you would’ve jump into my arms the second I walked back through the door.”
Was he fucking serious?
“That is what’s making you question your decision not to call? Not the fact that your parents thought they’d outlived a child, or your siblings lost a brother? Me with Logan is why you wished you’d contacted us?”
He groaned. “Can you blame me? It’s not like you’re with some random guy, Chloe, he’s my brother!”
“Yes, thank you. I’m well aware of who he is.”
Could we ever get past that so we could have a conversation without it ending in arguing?
Ribbing his jaw, he slumped back in the sofa. “I love you.”
No, no, no, don’t say that!
I took a deep breath. “Jace…”
Turning sideways, he tucked my hair behind my ear the way he always had done. “I never stopped. I never even looked at another woman. I love you so much, Chloe, and I’ll never stop wanting you.”
I registered the front door being closed a little harder than necessary and knew it was Logan. Jace leant away, dropping his hand.