Chloe
When the front door finally closed there were only three guests left, Julia’s brother, Marcel, his wife, Clarissa, and their daughter, Stacey. And Nell and Ollie of course.
I wanted to cry. That was actually much worse than I could have ever imagined. I didn’t want to break apart a family. Julia was close with her mum and sister and I’d never seen them argue before.
Clarissa hugged Julia. “Don’t worry, it’ll blow over soon enough.”
“I won’t apologise to anyone for supporting my child,” Julia said.
“And you never should have to. I’m sure it was the shock. It was very unexpected. Leave them to cool off and they’ll see how wrong they were to react that way.”
“Are you okay?” Logan whispered in my ear.
I shook my head. “No, I feel awful.”
“None of that,” Daryl said, pointing at me. “You have nothing to be ashamed of.”
“Dad’s right,” Cass said. “I’m so sorry for how they reacted. Family shouldn’t do that. Clarissa’s also right though, they will realise what they’ve done.”
What if they didn’t?
I leant against Logan, trying to hold it together. It didn’t look good for us. We couldn’t break up his family. I couldn’t do that. They treated me like their own, all of them, and I couldn’t betray them.
Shortly after they left and Ollie took a reluctant Nell home, we were alone. Julia, Daryl and Cassie made an excuse to go to the kitchen, obviously feeling awkward around us. The atmosphere was tense and I could tell they were eager to give us some space.
Without saying a word, I walked up to Logan’s room and he followed like I knew he would. I felt cold.
I couldn’t get their words out of my head, the way they looked at me, like I was some evil bitch that was out to hurt them in any way I could. They looked at me like I wanted to stomp all over Jace’s memory, like I’d moved on so easily and didn’t care anymore.
Sitting on the bed, I tried to figure out what I was going to do. Logan tiptoed around me, straightening his room up in complete silence. I hated tension between us and right now it was palpable.
Faces of Logan’s horrified relatives flashed through my head on a loop. I couldn’t stop seeing the disgust. I couldn’t stop seeing the hurt in Julia’s eyes when she argued with her family and defended both sons. She shouldn’t ever have to do that; everyone knew she loved them both equally, or they should.
“Logan?” I said, unable to watch him tidy any longer. He was quite a tidy person but whenever he cleaned he made noise, whistled, sang or messed around.
“Don’t, Chlo. I know exactly what you’re about to do.” He closed his eyes, clenched his jaw and sighed. “Please, just don’t.”
Everything inside me turned to stone.
“Your family is falling apart.”
“They’ve had no time to process it. This was my fault. I thought they’d be cool right from the start but they need time. I was an idiot but I’ll talk to them.”
“And what if they still don’t like it? What if it’s something they can’t get past?”
“Then that’s their problem.”
“No, it’s not just their problem though, is it? It’ll never just be their problem. It’s ours, too. Hell, it’s your parents’! I can’t be the reason your mum doesn’t talk to her sister or parents, not after everything she’s done for me. Please, understand that.”
He threw the t-shirt he was holding back down on the bed. “I can’t lose you. Please, understand that.”
“You won’t lose me.”
“It sounds that way. You want to bail again. Fuck sake, Chloe, why is your instinct always to run?”
“That’s not fair. This isn’t about me.”
“Yeah, actually, it is. This is hard, I get that, but it’s always going to be hard at first. How are we ever going to make it when you keep hurling us back to the start?”
Groaning, I stood up. “Logan, I want us to work but maybe we can’t. Maybe there’s just too much for us to ever have a real shot. We’re not just trying to work through differences in opinion or lifestyle here.”
I heard the air leave his lungs sharply. “You’re talking like we’re already done.”
Emotion, deep and painful, slammed into my chest and I found it hard to breathe.
“I don’t know what else to do. I won’t come between you and your family, not ever.”
“Wow,” he said, turning around. “That’s fucking great, Chloe. You’ve decided this for us yet again. I never get a choice.”
“Logan.”
I saw tears in his eyes before he turned his head. “Don’t. You’ve made your decision, so you should go.”
“Logan…”
“Please go, Chloe.”
I didn’t want to leave. He made no sound but I could see how cut up he was. I could tell he was crying. I’d never felt so low or so awful in my whole life.
“Go,” he whispered so quietly I almost couldn’t hear it.
I left his room and his house as quickly as I could. Cassie saw me leave but I’d slammed the door behind me before she got off the sofa. From the tears that poured down my face she would understand what had just happened between me and Logan and be on her way up to him. I needed her to go take care of him.
Getting to my house seemed to take forever and no time at all. I didn’t remember the journey, just the searing pain of losing him and the knowledge that I needed to not be driving soon because I couldn’t hold off breaking down for much longer.
The feeling of complete loss was something I’d felt before but this time it took my breath away. It hurt so much. I felt sick it physically hurt that much.
Logan was one of the best things – if not the best thing – to happen to me and I’d thrown it away, again.
***
I missed him so much I felt like I was going insane. Every time something happened, even if it was nothing important, my first instinct was to go tell Logan. It had been just one day but I already knew I couldn’t be without him for much longer.
As messy as everything was at the minute I had to have him in my life. I had to make it up to him and his family. Hopefully, Julia and her family would have made up by now. I wanted nothing more than to be with Logan but I wasn’t prepared to split his family up. Julia had already been through enough, she lost a son, I wouldn’t be the reason she wasn’t talking to her parents and sister.
Mum peeked her head around the door. “How’re you doing, love?”
I smiled or at least I tried to. “I’m alright. Think I’m going to text Logan in a bit.”
She stepped into my room. “In a bit? Why not now?”
“I’m a big chicken.”
“Come on, I’m sure he’s dying to hear from you. Text him and get this put right. You were happy again and I can’t even begin to tell you how much of a relief that was.”
Was happy, but now I couldn’t have Logan. Unless his family would be okay we couldn’t be together. Girlfriends and boyfriends come and go but this was family.