Logan
I’d never been that big on birthdays. Every year I’d get asked how it felt to be a whole year older when in reality I was just a day older than before. I didn’t feel anything; it was just another day.
This year was worse than any other. Everyone tried to be cheerful and positive around me when I just wanted to smash things, shout and drink. I wanted something to make it stop feeling like I was freefalling into a bottomless black hole.
Walking downstairs, I plastered on a probably too obvious fake smile so Cass wouldn’t be able to call me the Miserable Birthday Bastard this year.
“Happy Birthday!” Mum, Dad and Cassie sang in unison.
“Thanks,” I replied, really trying to sound happy about the fact that I was now twenty-three, living at home, and missing Chloe so much I could barely think straight.
“Breakfast or presents first?” Mum asked.
“You didn’t have to get me anything.”
Cassie rolled her eyes. “Of course, we did, it’s your birthday.”
Well, hurray for me.
“Breakfast sounds good then.”
There was no Chloe, of course. It was also the first birthday in years that she hadn’t joined us for breakfast. I was dying to ask if she was coming, even though I knew she wouldn’t. A simple, casual no Chloe? would do but I couldn’t force the words out of my mouth.
Mum and Dad went to the kitchen to cook and as soon as Cass sat down on the sofa and looked up at me, I knew I should’ve gone with them. She was going to ask questions.
“How’s being twenty-three?”
“Same as twenty-two.”
“Heard from Chloe this morning?”
There we go; that was what she really wanted to talk about.
“Nope,” I replied, sitting down.
She smiled sympathetically. “I’m sure she’ll call or stop by at some point.” I didn’t reply because there wasn’t really a lot to say. “How’re you doing? I mean really doing?”
I wasn’t a spill his feelings guy, unless I was wasted, so I didn’t want to get into it with Cass but she was like a dog with a bone when she was on something and I knew she wouldn’t drop it. Fucking interfering woman.
“It sucks,” I said.
“Yeah, it does. It won’t be forever, though. You two will sort it out.”
Alright, I definitely didn’t want to talk about this. “Yeah,” I said. “What’s going on with you anyway?”
“Nice divert. I can take a hint, Logan, consider the subject changed. For now. Nothing’s going on with me. What’re you doing tonight?”
“Charlie’s with Ollie and the guys.”
She gave me her mirror image of Mum’s disapproving face. “You sure that’s a good idea?”
“To go out on my birthday?”
“To go out when you’re fragile.”
“I’m not one of Mum’s hideous figurines, Cassie.”
“I just worry that what’s happened with Chloe is going to set you back. You’ve done so well to get everything together this last year.”
“It won’t set me back. I don’t want to piss away all of my money, Cass. Stop worrying so much, will you. I’m fine and I’m gonna continue to be fine. What’s happened with Chlo...” hurts like a bitch, “is shitty but I’m not gonna fall back into my old habits. Okay?”
“Yeah, alright. Can’t blame me for being concerned. You’re my brother and I care about you. I don’t like seeing you unhappy.”
“I’m not unhappy.”
Her eyebrow rose much higher than seemed humanly possible.
I laughed. “Not not unhappy but not quite ready to pickle my internal organs yet.”
Yet. I was fairly close to giving in to the craving to make it all go away. We had a bottle of Jim Beam in the cupboard. I’d wanted to reach for it about a million times since she called it off.
“Good. Please, don’t give up yet.”
Unless she knew something I didn’t, which was unlikely since Chloe probably wouldn’t tell my sister if she was having second thoughts about ripping my chest open and stomping on my heart.
After breakfast and presents my grandparents and aunt stopped by. I didn’t want to see them, not after what they said to me and Chlo, but I knew I couldn’t avoid them forever. It needed sorting out if I was going to have any chance at having Chloe back as a friend.
“Happy Birthday,” Nan said, smiling shyly.
Shona sat on the sofa along with Nan and Grandad. “Logan, we are so sorry. We reacted badly and the things we said were unforgiveable.”
“Yeah, it was.”
“We feel awful,” Nan added. “Please, accept our apology and know that we support you one hundred per cent. It was a shock and while that doesn’t excuse how we behaved I hope that you can understand.”
“Do you still think it’s wrong?” I asked.
“No,” Grandad replied. “No one thinks you and Chloe are wrong. It took us too long to realise that but your mother’s right, as long as you’re happy we’re happy.”
“Chloe now thinks we’re wrong.”
“No,” Nan said. “Oh, Logan.”
“Don’t. Can’t blame it all on you, I didn’t handle the situation well. Should’ve spoken to you all individually.”
“Is there something we can do?” Shona asked.
“No. Just tell Chloe you don’t think she’s the devil, that’s what she’s thinking right now and I don’t want that.”
“Of course,” she replied. “We had every intention of apologising to Chloe and asking for her forgiveness, too.” I smiled tightly. It was a bit too little too late but what could I do? “Can we give you your presents now?”
I faked a smiled and nodded. Honestly, I could’ve skipped the present and just had them call Chloe now so she wouldn’t be at home feeling like shit. But I didn’t want to be the one who runs to her, not yet, she had to come to me when she was ready to.
***
My phone dinged with a text and I almost didn’t pick it up. Chloe’s name sat on my screen. I opened the message. ‘Happy Birthday! I hope you have a great day. I miss you. Xxx’
I miss you.
I miss you.
What the fuck was she trying to do to me? We couldn’t ever be together but I miss you. The girl, like most women it would seem, was a total head fuck. But like the pussy I was I replied, ‘Thanks. I miss you too.’ No X. I was pissed off still.
‘Can we meet? X’ she texted back.
I couldn’t stand the slow texts or messing around any longer, I called her.
“Hey,” she said, answering on the first ring. “Happy birthday, Logan.”
A smartarse reply of you said that already almost slipped out of my mouth but she’d made the first move and I really wanted to know what was going through her head.
“Thank you.”
“Are you going out tonight?”
“Yeah, Ollie and the lads are dragging me to Charlie’s.”
“Right.”
That was it?
“You wanted to meet up?”
“I do. I hate how things are at the minute. We’ve never been distant. I miss you like crazy. I’ve got about a hundred things I’ve thought to myself I’ll need to tell Logan that and then I realise I can’t.”
“That was all you, Chlo.”
“I know. I get that it’s my fault and I hate myself for how things ended, I never wanted that. Everything is just so messed up and I can’t really make sense of it myself. My head is spinning and although I have no clue what to do about anything right now, one thing I know for sure is that I want you in my life.”
“In your life how?”
“I want to go back to how it was before things got complicated.”
“You want to be friends?” Fuck, I hated that word.
“Yes. I want to take a step back and be friends.”
This birthday was definitely the worst one I’d had.
“Can you do friends?” she asked.
What fucking choice did I have?
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “Yeah, sweetheart, I can do friends.” It was all I was going to get. It was probably all I should have ever had. You didn’t get to screw your dead brother over and not have it bite you on the arse. My throat felt way too tight.
“Thank you,” she whispered. “Can we do something soon?”
“Really have missed me, huh?” I said, trying to keep it light. I didn’t want to talk about feelings or have an awkward conversation about how horrendous it was going to be to go back to being her friend.
“I really have. I felt like I did before…back when Jace died. You need to be in my life in some way, Logan.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean.” Not being with her was awful but never seeing her at all would be unbearable.
“So…?”
“Right. Tomorrow I’ll be sleeping off tonight so why don’t you come over Thursday?”
“Okay,” she said, her voice suddenly low, husky and full of emotion and I realised it was because I’d said I’d be recovering. Chloe assumed because I was getting drunk that I would also be getting laid, which wasn’t difficult to understand how she got there, that was what used to happen. Everything was different now. I’d dodged the sexual infection bullet about a hundred times so my turn was surely coming up and there was the fact that I was so in love with her the thought of being with someone else made my stomach turn. But I was a wounded man with a hugely dented ego so I didn’t tell her that.
“I better go and have a shower before Ollie gets here. I’ll speak to you later.”
“Have a good night,” she said. “Bye.” The phone was cut off quickly and I wished I’d told her I wasn’t going to sleep around. I shouldn’t have to, we were friends so I owed her no explanation but she was upset and I fucking hated when she was upset.
I threw my phone down on the bed and stalked off to the bathroom. My chest ached. Everything ached. I needed to get drunk. I needed to forget. I needed to make it stop hurting so damn much.