Chloe
By the time I’d gotten out of the shower, dried my hair and put on my pyjamas I was exhausted and just wanted to crawl into bed. I still had that post great date glow but fatigue was taking over and I needed to curl up under my quilt.
I left the bathroom, tiptoeing across the hall, careful not to disturb my parents. Another date conversation with my mother would tip me over the edge. Hearing details of your parents’ dates was not something I wanted to hear – especially some of the dates they’d been on. I shuddered.
I walked into my bedroom and jumped out of my skin. Logan sat on my bed, flicking through my magazine. He looked up as I tried to slow my erratic heart. It’s Logan, not a burglar.
“Good, you’re finished in the bathroom.”
I stared blankly, literally not knowing what to say to him. Who sneaks into someone’s home and waits for them in their bedroom?
“How was the date?”
My brain caught up with what was happening right now and I threw my hands up. “We are not skipping over the part where you explain what the hell you’re doing in my room!”
“I’m waiting for you, what else would I be doing?”
Is he serious?
With a deep breath, I replied, “No, Logan. Why are you here in the middle of the night with no warning?”
“Oh. You didn’t answer your phone.”
“So you came over and let yourself in? You didn’t think that maybe I was in the bathroom or asleep?”
“No, and that’s a pretty accurate description of—” I held my hand up and he stopped talking, breaking into a huge, mischievous smile. “So did the date go well or not?”
Since he was clearly not leaving like any normal person would have done, I shoved him over the other side so I could get to my favourite spot in the bed – the middle.
We’re really doing this right now. “Yes, Logan, the date went well. Rhys is perfectly nice, not an axe murderer, so you can calm down about that one. We had fun.”
He was silent for a minute. His gorgeous blue eyes were guarded. I hated when I couldn’t tell what he was thinking or feeling. After years of pretending he was fine, Logan had gotten really good at fooling people.
“That’s good. I’m glad you had a nice time, Chlo.”
“Thank you. It was strange at first and I kinda felt like I shouldn’t be there but as soon as we got talking more, and walking, I relaxed and didn’t feel… guilty.”
“Good, I’m glad of that. You shouldn’t feel guilty.”
“I know. I’ve spent so long feeling guilty for living, for thinking about a future without Jace, for wanting to date again and just about everything else I could feel bad about. I’m tired of it and I know it gets me nowhere.”
He frowned and flicked the magazine closed. We’d be talking about him reading a How To Boost Your Bust article later. “Do you not feel guilty about moving on anymore or do you just think you shouldn’t. There’s a huge difference, Chloe.”
“I don’t feel guilty. I loved Jace and he died, there’s nothing I can do about it and I don’t want to be the way I was anymore. I deserve a second chance.”
“You do.”
“Do you still feel guilty?” I asked.
His eyes clouded and jaw clenched. Finally, he replied, “Every day.”
“Logan,” I said breathlessly. The pain in his voice was so real and so raw that I felt it, too. He sat tense on my bed, refusing to meet my eyes. I shoved myself up and wrapped my arms around him. I felt the muscles in his back and shoulders bunch. They were rock solid and I couldn’t help admiring his dedication to his fitness.
“Please, talk to me,” I whispered.
He hadn’t hugged me back, just sat deathly still with his arms fisted by his sides.
“Logan, please, I can’t stand it.”
Slowly releasing a deep breath, he raised his arms and clamped me flush with his body. It was a little more intimate than we’d been before with me straddling his hips but there wasn’t anything sexual about it. He was hurting over the death of his brother and I needed to help him.
“I’m alright, sweetheart,” he said into my hair.
“No, you’re not. Talk to me. I can help.”
He released me and I wanted to cling on for dear life. I wanted to hold him until he stopped hurting, until all the broken pieces knitted back together. I wanted him to hold me and let me in all the way. I wanted to be the one who gave him the power to stop the guilt. I wanted to do all of that, just like he’d done for me.
I didn’t leave his lap when he’d stopped our embrace. “You’re talking to me, Logan.” I felt a tear slither down my cheek. “I’m not moving until you talk.”
He shrugged. “Beautiful girl sitting on my lap. I got time for that.”
“Come on,” I said, lightly slapping his chest with the back of my hand. “Why do you feel guilty every day?”
“Me and Jace argued.”
“You and Jace argued regularly, Logan. Neither one of you apologised, you both knew the other one didn’t mean it and you moved on. Jace had forgiven you before he’d even closed the front door. Stop agonising over it.”
“I get that, Chlo, but the last words I ever said to him were…”
“Were what? What was so bad about what you said?”
“Nothing really. He was pissing me off and I snapped.”
I didn’t get it. They’d snapped at each other and told each other to piss off at least once a week. Jace knew Logan loved him and he never held a grudge, especially not against his brother.
“Is there more to it?”
He blinked a few times before replying, “No. I just feel like crap for how it ended. I wish I could go back in time and—”
“Don’t. Please, don’t do that. I’ve thought about going back in time constantly and it won’t get you anywhere. Logan, there is nothing you can do about what happened; you can only change what happens next. He wouldn’t want you to stress over it when he probably forgot all about your fight five seconds after it happened.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” he said. That was far too easy and I knew he only said it to shut me up but to him the conversation was over so I didn’t push it. That didn’t mean it was over. I was determined to get him to forgive himself. This was merely an interval.
“I want you to stay here tonight.” So you don’t drink yourself stupid at home.
His mouth popped open. “How inappropriate. I’m feeling quite vulnerable right now.”
Logan’s back. I rolled my eyes and removed myself from his lap. “Shut up and go get ready for bed.”
“I don’t need babysitting, sweetheart. I’ll be fine on my own.”
Staring into his eyes, I said, “Maybe I’m not fine on my own.” Truth was, I was terrified of leaving him alone. I wouldn’t be able to settle properly if I was worrying about him finding a bottle of whisky and drinking until he drifted off to sleep.
My words were all he needed to hear to pull his t-shirt over his head. I laid down and rolled onto my side, giving him some privacy while he took his jeans off. We’d spent the night in the same bed before but that was when one of us – usually me – was a complete mess and the other stayed to comfort. I’d never shared a bed with him where I was wearing little shorts and a spaghetti strap top and he was just in boxers.
I had a huge moment of doubt but then he slipped beneath the covers and wrapped me in his arms. I felt safe and protected and prayed that he felt that, too. It would be fine, no different to all those other times I’d fallen asleep in his strong arms as he held me together.
“I’m the one that should be holding you.”
“Nah, more manly like this,” he said.
Completely back to pretending he was okay. The boy drove me nuts! Why couldn’t he just open up without thinking of it as a weakness?
Resigning myself to the inevitable, I snuggled back against his chest and let it go – he wasn’t going to talk anyway.
“Are you going to see him again?”
“He asked me on a second date,” I replied.
“To which you replied…?”
“I said yes. We’re going to the comedy club next weekend.” Logan stilled and I felt his muscles tense around me. “What?”
“That’s our thing. Me, you, Cassie, and Rick the Prick before he was the prick.”
And Jace before he died.
“Do you not want me to go there with Rhys?”
“No, you can go with who you like, Chlo. It’s just weird you doing a Scott thing with someone else. I’m being an idiot, ignore me.”
I didn’t realise it would be weird before Logan said it. I was taking a date somewhere I used to go with my boyfriend and his siblings. “No, it is weird. I’ll tell him I want to go somewhere else.”
His arms loosened but didn’t relax and he started tracing patterns on my arm with his fingers. It felt really nice. I closed my eyes and unconsciously snuggled back against him. I felt his touch everywhere, from the top of my head to the very tips of my toes. It was the most comforting thing I’d felt in a very long time and didn’t ever want him to stop.
“Don’t do that. I don’t own the comedy club. You can go with whoever you want. We can go with Cass next month,” he said against the back of my head. His breath tickling the sensitive skin at the back of my neck.
“That sounds good,” I whispered, flicking off the lamp and closing my eyes again, enjoying having him slowly sending me to sleep with his magical fingers.
I yawned. “I’m exhausted and need sleep. Night, Logan.”
“Night, sweetheart,” he whispered in the darkness.