After Ethan was gone, she took the watering can back inside and headed straight for the kitchen. She washed her hands and then went to work slicing breads for the noon sandwiches and made sure the sandwich station was stocked. She refilled the muffin and cookie display, put new coffee to brew, stocked the fridge, and still felt as if her chest were too small for her lungs. Keeping busy tricked her mind into not thinking about Ethan, but her body’s response didn’t lie. Up until now they had had chance encounters, or they’d met at family or community events.
But a date … there was a level of intent with a date. There was a statement that said I’m interested. And for all her self-confidence and cool advice for her friends, when it came to dealing with a relationship herself, she was an utter mess.
A few months ago Laurel had turned to her when she’d been so confused about Aiden. Now Willow wondered if her best friend could return the favor. Perhaps Laurel would be her voice of reason right now, since her own powers of serenity had deserted her.
When the lunch rush was over, she announced she was taking an hour’s break and hotfooted it to the Ladybug Garden Center. Laurel was in the greenhouse area, helping a customer pick out flats of colorful annuals. When she was done, and the purchase had been rung through, she approached Willow with a furrowed brow and concern darkening her eyes.
“What is it? You look discombobulated.”
“That’s it! I am. I’m just … oh Laurel. I think I’m in trouble.”
Laurel reached out for her hand. “Is it the café? You got cash flow issues?” They were both small business owners. Cash flow was always a concern.
“Café’s fine. It’s me.”
“What happened?”
“Ethan Gallagher asked me out on a date.”
Laurel let out a whoop, but then schooled her face when Willow didn’t return her enthusiasm. “You don’t look happy. Did you turn him down?”
“No, we’re going to a movie on Thursday.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
Willow sighed, met her best friend’s gaze, and admitted something she hadn’t admitted to a single soul.
“I haven’t been on a date in three years, and it’s been four since I had sex.”
“You’re thinking about having sex with him?”
“No!” Willow blurted out her response, but now that it was in her head, she couldn’t get the image out. Oh God, she was in more trouble than she’d thought.
Laurel was grinning from ear to ear as she tugged Willow over to the bench by the wildflower garden. “Sit down here and tell Auntie Laurel everything,” she instructed. Then she leaned in closer. “Every. Little. Detail.”
“You’re enjoying this way too much,” Willow grumbled.
“Are you kidding? You always have your shit together. It’s kind of fun seeing you all freaked out about something.”
“Glad you’re enjoying yourself.”
Laurel smiled. “I’m sorry. I know I’m having fun at your expense. It’s just a date, Wil. It’ll be fine. You don’t have to have sex on the first date.”
“Oh shit. You did not just say that.” She rolled her eyes.
Laurel laughed. “Okay, so seriously. Why does this have you so upset? Is it because you guys don’t get along? Because I thought you were doing better with that. At John and Moira’s the other night—”
“I kissed him.”
Laurel’s mouth hung open, then she shut it with a clack of her teeth.
Willow dropped her forehead onto her hand. “He offered you the baby stuff and then he disappeared and I just knew he was upset. So I followed him around the side of the house and we talked. Offering you the boys’ things … it was a reminder, you know? That he and Lisa won’t have more kids, because she’s not here.”
“We hoped the announcement wouldn’t upset him.” Laurel pursed her lips. “Both of us are aware that he’s still grieving, you know?”
“He’s happy for you, really. He just needed a few minutes.”
“And then?”
“And then I kissed him.”
“How was it?”
Willow made a strangled sound in her throat, and Laurel laughed. “Oooh. That good, huh? Did it make your toes curl? Give you goose bumps?” She nudged Willow with her elbow. “Or something else?”
“Don’t make fun of me.”
“I can’t help it.”
Willow smiled, feeling a little less panicky thanks to Laurel’s teasing. “He is a grumpy shit, you know,” she admitted. “But he has such a good reason. And he’s got a good heart underneath. We stopped being at each other’s throats a while ago.”
“So you like him, and he likes you. What’s the big deal?”
Willow hesitated. This was what she’d avoided since coming back to Darling. She prided herself on being “together.” It was the life she built for herself and she clung to it fiercely. She never wanted anyone to see the scared, uncertain woman she’d once been.
And yet the thought of dating, of putting herself out there, told her that she was still that woman, deep down. It was a complicated mess of feelings. She was thrilled on one hand with the excitement of attraction and possibility, and scared on the other hand, wondering if allowing herself to be vulnerable would mean falling back into old thought patterns and habits. She never, ever, wanted to be that fragile and fractured again.
“Honey?” Laurel’s voice was quieter now, and concerned.
“Sorry,” Willow said softly. “I guess it comes down to me being scared.”
“Scared of what?”
She looked up at Laurel. This was her best friend. Laurel had been through her own share of troubles, but coming back to Darling had been absolutely the right move. Willow was glad. She’d been a bit lonely until Laurel had shown up.
“There’s a lot you don’t know about what I went through. Everything I do is a conscious decision. So if I decide to go on this date, if I decide to just ‘see what happens,’ that’s a conscious decision, too.”
“But you always go with the flow and say that what’s meant to be will be.”
Willow laughed, but it was a short, harsh sound. “I thought so, you know? That I was like a river, just burbling over any rocks in my way. But the last relationship I had didn’t go well. We were both fixer-uppers and found ourselves reverting to old and bad habits. I don’t want to go back there again, Laurel. I can’t.” Her chest cramped at the mere idea of it.
“What happened that was so bad?” Laurel put her fingers on Willow’s hand. “You’ve never said, but I know it was something big. And that it’s taken you a long time to love yourself again.”
Laurel’s face blurred as tears filled Willow’s eyes. She was so torn. Laurel was her best friend, but she still couldn’t find the words to tell her the truth. That in their junior year she’d gotten pregnant, and that her mother had made her have an abortion. There’d been no counseling, no help. No choice. Her mom took one day off work to go with her for the procedure, and then she was right back to work again. She was rarely home. Willow had already felt like an inconvenience, even before the baby. Then she’d felt like a screwup. Everything had been out of control and she’d turned to bingeing and purging. She’d felt she could control at least that one part of her life.
The father of the baby had only been interested in one night. Her mother wasn’t interested in her at all. Willow had tried everything to get their attention. She’d nearly destroyed herself, and it had taken years and all her strength to overcome those challenges.
She liked her life, but it was lonely. And caring about Ethan Gallagher made her weak. The last thing she ever wanted was to go back to that needy, scared little girl who desperately just wanted someone to love her.
She’d been quiet a long time, but Laurel waited. Even though her business was booming and there was clearly lots to do, her best friend sat by her side. That meant more to Willow than any words.
“I don’t know where to start.”
Laurel smiled. “When you do, you know where I am. Day or night, okay? All on your own time.” She touched Willow’s wrist. “You know, maybe you could begin with this. What’s troubling you has something to do with your tattoo, doesn’t it?”
Her tattoo.
She’d already shared it with Ethan; at least the main points. She figured it said something important when she could share something so personal with him.
“When, Wil? And how?” Laurel’s voice was soft with compassion.
Willow swallowed. “My first year of college. I took pills. And then I puked them up. I was very good at vomiting. My eating disorder came in handy.”
Laurel said nothing. She simply put her arms around Willow and hugged—a firm “I got you” hug that absorbed some of the tension and strain from Willow’s body.
She reached over, put her hand on Laurel’s arm and squeezed. “Thank you.”
“You are the strongest woman I know.” Laurel sat back a bit. “You are so grounded and smart and intuitive. I know you’re scared, but you won’t go back there again.”
“How can you be so sure?”
Laurel smiled. “Because you learned. You learned why you felt the way you felt and you learned ways of dealing with it. Life isn’t always going to be smooth, you know. You were bound to be tested—challenged—at some point. And honey, if Ethan Gallagher is your test, you’re a lucky girl.”
“You have to say that. You’re married to his brother.”
“I still have eyes in my head.” Laurel chuckled. “It’s one date. If he doesn’t ring your bell, you move on.”
“And if he does?”
“You’re always telling me to live in the moment. Why don’t you try that? Just take it one day at a time. No reward comes without a little risk. You know this.”
“I didn’t want to have to face my demons again.”
Laurel grinned, but there was a softness of understanding around the edges. “Demons are funny that way. They never really seem to be banished. But know what? I had real trust issues when I came back to Darling, and Aiden helped me move past them. So did you. Don’t you deserve a little romance, Wil? A little excitement?” She looked over at the ceramic bird bath, where a robin was making a huge splash and commotion. “All this inner peace and harmony stuff is great, but where’s the joy? You should spread your wings, not have them clipped.”
Willow watched the robin roll and flutter in the water. Joy, yes. And flying free … what good was serenity if it came camouflaged as a prison? Maybe all she’d managed was to cage herself away. Damn.
Didn’t take away the fear, though.
“I’m so stupid. All this fuss over a single date.”
“Exactly.” Laurel tapped her knee. “Listen, Ethan’s still raw from losing Lisa. He’s not going to be a fast mover. He’s probably just as scared about this as you are, so give yourself a break, go to a movie, and just have fun.” She met Willow’s gaze. “If you feel as if you’re getting in over your head, you hit the stop button.”
It sounded so logical that Willow immediately let out her breath and dropped her shoulders. “You’re a good friend, Laurel.”
“So are you. And I want to see you happy. We can hang out later if you want. I can’t indulge in any wine, but I can make a wicked Virgin Daiquiri and we can sit in the garden and chill.”
“That sounds good.”
“Okay. Now, you get back to work and so will I, and I’ll see you later.”
Willow leaned over and gave Laurel a quick hug. “Thank you, sweetie. You were just what I needed today.”
“Hey, I’m happy to finally return the favor.”
Willow’s steps were lighter as she made her way back to The Purple Pig. Laurel was right. She wasn’t the same lost girl she’d been back then. Why shouldn’t she go on a simple date and have a good time? This was only a big deal because she was making it out to be one.
It all sounded perfect, except she could still remember the feel of his lips on hers, and the way he tasted, and the touch of his hand on her hip.
* * *
Thursday was rainy and cool, so Willow dressed in jeans and a cute top, gathered with elastic at the hem and neckline but with flowy sleeves. Pink and purple butterflies danced on the white background. She gathered her hair in a semi-messy top knot and added a simple necklace, then the barest of makeup essentials—a little powder, a flick of mascara and a swipe of tinted gloss.
Normally, this time of day would be dusk, but because of the overcast skies, it was darker and felt later. Willow looked out her window at the street below, watching for Ethan’s SUV. Her shirt wasn’t the only thing with butterflies. Her stomach was fluttering so badly she nearly felt ill.
“It’s just a single date,” she reminded herself, and took three deep breaths. Then his SUV pulled up to the curb and the delicate fluttering became a stampede.
Should she rush down to meet him? Or let him come up and get her at the door? She bit on her lip, trying to decide, and in the end, waited too long. He tapped on the door and she grabbed her purse and went to answer.
“Hi!” She opened the door with a cheerful greeting and damned near swallowed her tongue.
He wore faded jeans with some dark leather shoes, and a black waterproof jacket that made his shoulders look massive. The very end of his cast stuck out of the sleeve, reminding her that he was still injured. And his hair … the rain had darkened it to nearly mahogany. It made his blue eyes stand out like bluebells in a field.
“Nice weather for ducks, isn’t it?” he commented, giving her a smile.
She could do this. She could make small talk. Be flippant. “They’ll all be swimming in the creek and heading for the Kissing Bridge. Do you know I saw a mama duck taking her ducklings across in the spring? It was so cute.”
There was small talk and there was babbling and she feared she’d just crossed the line.
“The boys would have loved that. They love watching the ducks. When they slow down long enough, that is.”
Connor and Ronan. Safe topic. “They have a sitter tonight?”
He nodded. “Yes. A teenager from down the street.” His cheeks colored a bit. “I didn’t want to get the third degree from my family about tonight. I figured a babysitter was a better idea than asking my mom or one of my sisters.”
So maybe they were both a little chicken. She wasn’t sure if that was reassuring or if it made her even more nervous.
He smiled a little bigger. “Um … maybe we can get going. It’s wet out here.”
“Oh my gosh, of course!” She shut the door behind her and locked it, her knees wobbling as he stepped aside on the small landing, letting her pass by and go down the stairs first.
She held the railing and called herself an idiot.
Ethan opened the car door for her and she hopped inside, then fastened her seatbelt while he got in the driver’s side. His jacket was speckled with raindrops, and he looked over at her and smiled again. “You look scared to death. Are you?”
Her cheeks heated and she nodded. “A bit. Which is ridiculous. It’s a movie.”
He sat back against the seat and rested his hands on the wheel, even though he had yet to start the engine. “Would you rather not go, Willow?”
She hesitated, then saw the tiniest flicker as the muscle in his jaw tightened. She thought about what Laurel had said. Thought about how hard it must have been for him to even ask. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt his feelings. “I just haven’t done this in a long time,” she murmured, looking down at her lap. “I mean … go on a date. I think I’ve forgotten how.”
Her last relationship hadn’t even really started as dates. They’d met in yoga class. Got coffee a few times. He’d walked her home, kissed her, they’d fallen into a relationship in a series of steps that hadn’t really involved dating as such. It had started as sharing their secrets and vulnerabilities, and ended with the very things that had brought them together pushing them apart.
“I know how you feel, if it helps. It took me half an hour to figure out what to wear. And then I figured the theater’s going to be dark anyway.” He chuckled tightly. “Maybe it was a mistake. If my dad hadn’t…”
“Your dad hadn’t what?” She looked up quickly, found him looking a bit chagrined at the slip.
“He told me I needed to get off my ass and start living again.” Ethan shrugged. “I think I like you because you didn’t know Lisa before. So you don’t give me the ‘poor Ethan’ routine.”
Context. She didn’t have context and that was a relief to him. She had to admit, she felt a bit the same way. When she looked at him she didn’t see just a widower. And when he looked at her, she hoped he didn’t see someone who’d been utterly broken and whose pieces were precariously held back together with the glue of time and a lot of hard work.
They were just Ethan and Willow.
They could be whoever they wanted to be with each other.
“Let’s go,” she whispered. “Let’s get out of Darling and go to a movie or get a glass of wine or take a walk. I don’t care where. Let’s forget about being nervous and what we might expect from each other and just be for a few hours.”
“No expectations?”
“God, no. None.” Just saying it made her feel tons better.
He smiled again, this time free from the edge of stress that always seemed to line his lips. “Then I have a great idea. Something I haven’t done in years.”
“Are you going to tell me?”
He turned the key in the ignition. “Nope. I’m going to surprise you. Though you grew up here, so I’ll bet you’ll guess before we get there.”
He looked so excited she couldn’t say no.
They left Darling behind and hit the highway toward Burlington. As they put mile after mile behind them, the sky lightened and the rain stopped. It was still overcast, but not the gloomy, heavy clouds of before. When Ethan passed the exit to go to the movie theater, Willow looked over at his profile. Where were they going? And why was she so excited about it?
It all came together when he headed to Colchester and a small smile played on his lips. “We’re going to the drive-in, aren’t we?” she asked. She folded her hands in her lap but the little shiver of excitement was back. She hadn’t been to the drive-in since she was sixteen, and a bunch of them had piled into a car—six of them, maybe—and had snuck in their own snack food rather than go to the concessions stand. They’d snuck some other stuff in, too, though they’d been responsible enough to make sure whoever was driving wasn’t drinking.
Back when she was carefree. Just before she’d gotten pregnant and the world had changed.
“Hey, you okay?” Ethan’s voice interrupted as he slowed and reached into his back pocket for his wallet.
“I’m fine. Just remembering the last time I was here. Good memories, and some not so good ones, too.”
“High school’s like that.” He gave a half-shrug.
“Ain’t that the truth,” she muttered, determined to enjoy herself.
He looked over at her and grinned. “Hey, last time I was here was after college and the guys I was with hotboxed the truck. I was twenty years old and I seriously thought my mom was going to spank my bottom with a wooden spoon when she smelled pot on my clothes.”
Willow burst out laughing, both at the story and at the image of the small but fiery Moira putting a big, strapping Ethan over her knee.
He paid for their entrance and crawled along, looking for a good spot to park. Because of the showers, it wasn’t busy, and he picked a prime space smack-dab in the middle. The screen was still gray and dark, as they’d arrived even before previews.
“Hey,” he said gently. “The thing about mistakes when we were young is that they shaped us into who we are today. So there’s no sense in regrets, you know?”
“I do know,” she answered, surprised when he reached over and took her hand. “Thank you, Ethan.”
“You’re welcome.” He looked uncomfortable for a minute, then puckered his brows as he met her gaze. “Willow, I’m going to ask you something and if you don’t want to answer, it’s okay. It’s just…”
A cold jolt of anxiety flashed through her.
He tightened his grip on her hand. “Willow, what happened that made you … I mean, that led to…” He nodded at her arm.
Panic tightened her throat. She wasn’t ready to talk about it, and even if she were, this was so not the moment.
When she didn’t answer, he pressed on, gentle but persistent. “It’s just … I know you don’t really talk about it, but any time you’ve mentioned your home life, sometimes I get the impression … I mean I know it wasn’t the happiest place to grow up, but was it worse? Did your mom ever…” He trailed off, a lost look on his face, before Willow saw determination flit through his eyes. “Did your mom ever hurt you? Not that I’m assuming anything here, but if I need to be particularly gentle, I want to know.”
“No,” she said quickly, and let out her breath. “No, Ethan, not what you’re thinking. I’m sorry if I gave you that impression.” And she was particularly touched by the gentle way he’d asked.
“I’m glad. The thought of anyone hurting you…”
Her heart melted just a bit. The consideration was just overwhelming. And to think she’d thought him a grouchy old curmudgeon the first few times they’d met. Unhappy, maybe. Though lately he’d seemed easier. More relaxed.
“Oh Ethan, it’s very sweet of you to ask, but I promise, the worst I suffered was, well, maybe neglect is the best way to put it. I was on my own a lot. And anytime I couldn’t be avoided, it was made very clear that I was being more trouble than I was worth.”
That was it, really. She hadn’t been worth it, and she’d felt it every day.
“That’s abuse in its own way, Willow. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. Look, I’ll be honest. It’s not physical intimacy that frightens me. It’s emotional. I’m not afraid of you.”
“Then who are you afraid of?”
She met his gaze and admitted, “Me.”
He swallowed. “Oh.”
“I’ve kept myself distanced from people, but I’m starting to realize that it’s not the way to move forward. I’ve done a great job of dealing with my feelings and building myself this wonderful, serene life, but truthfully, I’ve avoided personal relationships for the most part, and then I don’t have to deal with my real weaknesses. You … you’ve made me start facing them and it’s difficult.”
“I’m sorry.”
Of course he would be.
“No, it’s probably about time. And Laurel says that I should try to have fun once in a while … and she’s right. Other than a few girls’ nights here and there, I’ve buried myself in work and causes.”
“Like I buried myself in work and bringing up the boys.”
“We do what we have to do to get by, right?”
He nodded. “You know what happened to me. It’s no secret, especially not in this town. Maybe someday you’ll feel like sharing more about what happened to you.”
“Maybe.”
“It’s okay if it’s not today. This is already the strangest first date I’ve ever been on.”
Did that mean he was thinking there’d be another? She knew she shouldn’t feel so pleased. Just accepting this invitation had put her in a twist, and not in the spinal-twist-to-work-out-the-kinks kind of way. And yet … she felt safe. Like Ethan wouldn’t do anything she didn’t want, or press for something she wasn’t ready for. Laurel had been right. This was his first date after losing his wife. Baby steps.
“Maybe someday,” she said, but her voice was noncommittal.
In front of them, the screen flickered to life, and Ethan adjusted the frequency on the radio. “You want something from concessions?”
She grinned. “I wouldn’t say no.”
“I’m not sure they have organic popcorn or naturally sweetened soda.”
“I’ll live.” She flopped back against the seat with a satisfied huff, enjoying the novelty of the night off, the drive-in, the prospect of a taste of junk food that rarely passed her lips. “I think there are a lot of things about tonight that I haven’t done for too long.”
His gaze touched hers and awareness sizzled between them, but then the movie sound came blaring through the speakers as the previews started. She reached to turn it down and he hopped out and jogged to concessions.
Each showing was a double feature, but by ten-thirty, after sharing a bag of popcorn, a box of Milk Duds, and a soda, fatigue was starting to set in. She’d been up at five, had worked all day, and had fretted about the date as well. The movie was a drama, and it was full dark outside. The SUV was dim, and she let out a little sigh as she sank a little lower in the seat.
“Here,” Ethan said quietly, his voice a low rumble. He shifted in the seat and lifted one arm along the back of the bench seat. “Tired? Do you want to go?”
She shook her head, but slid over a bit and leaned her head against his shoulder. The very top of his cast nudged her arm as he pulled her in a little closer. She rested on her left hip and put her feet up on the seat, letting her weight lean against his ribs. Lordy, he smelled good. She’d caught his scent all night, being enclosed in the car with him, but now she was close to his jacket and the shirt beneath it and she breathed in some sort of fresh-smelling laundry detergent and a manly, musky cologne or deodorant that reminded her of walking in the woods.
Oh, for Pete’s sake.
“We might as well watch the end,” she said quietly, keeping her eyes on the screen. “There’s only another twenty minutes.”
“Are we getting too old for the double feature?”
She laughed a little. “And finish at one a.m.? On a workday?”
He chuckled and his chest rose and fell beneath her.
When the credits started to roll at the movie’s end, Ethan sat up a little and slid his arm away from her shoulder. He started the engine, and they followed the thin line of cars that were leaving after the first show.