It wasn’t until they’d dried off in the scratchy grass and were back in the SUV driving toward Darling that Willow’s stomach clenched.
In all the heated rush, in all the unexpected intimacy, neither one of them had thought about a condom.
She fought for logic. The chances of one time creating a pregnancy were so slim. Still, she’d been rash, foolish, reckless. And so had he. It wasn’t like either of them. And while she wanted to believe that being with Ethan was the best thing to happen to her in a long time, a little voice in her head nagged that if it was really and truly good, it would inspire good decision making and not poor.
Ethan Gallagher made her feel alive, and made her do rash things. The last time she’d been rash, it had nearly killed her.
Hold on, she reminded herself. One tiny mistake doesn’t negate years of work. Learn from it and move on.
“You got quiet all of a sudden.”
She looked over at him, his features illuminated by the dash lights. “Um … it just occurred to me that we didn’t use protection.”
His eyes widened as shock blanked his face. “Oh my God. Why didn’t I … it was in my wallet.”
“It’s okay. I’m sure once won’t … I mean, I’m not afraid of any STIs or anything.”
“But pregnancy…”
The knot in her stomach tightened at the sound of panic in his voice. “The chances are slim, Ethan,” she rationalized. “Let’s not borrow trouble.”
“But…”
He turned back and stared out the windshield, both his hands gripping the wheel. Her stomach flipped and flopped. Of course. Ethan had children. The last thing he’d want was a baby from a fling. He wasn’t that kind of guy. And she was single, with a business to run. A baby would complicate everything. Still, her feelings were hurt that he was so completely freaked out. His jaw looked so tight she wondered if his teeth would hurt tomorrow.
“We’re just getting started in our relationship. If you got pregnant … God, we were so stupid. I got so caught up in the whole sex outdoors thing. You dancing around like some wood fairy or something, and me too horny to think straight.”
The words hit her like a slap. While she knew they came from a place of fear, it also took the intense, deep feelings she’d had when they were together and negated them utterly. She’d felt a soul-to-soul connection; he’d been horny.
She had been, too. But there was more. And maybe she was alone with that part. Maybe he wasn’t so different after all.
“Sorry,” he said quietly. “I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. I’m sure it’ll be fine. Like you said, the chance of getting pregnant from one time is pretty small.”
And she thought of Laurel and Aiden who were already expecting, barely two months after their wedding. Thought of how it had only taken once when she was a teenager … was she still that fertile? Was he? The boys had been born close together.
They drove in silence for a few more minutes, the earlier spell utterly destroyed. He reached over and turned the radio on, down low, and the sound filled the heavy silence. Willow wanted to shrivel up and fly away, like a dry leaf on the wind. Earlier this evening they’d been face-to-face on the yoga mats, getting closer together by the minute. They’d connected in a way she hadn’t expected, and now he was shutting her out.
She stared out the window at the darkness. The old words circled around in her brain, fighting to be heard. Not good enough. A screwup. Unlovable. In her heart she knew it was all lies, but right now her head was telling her differently.
So hum, she said in her head, breathing deeply. I am. She was not good, or bad, or lovable or unlovable. She just was. And that was enough.
She’d repeat it as often as she had to, to believe it.
They were nearing Darling town limits when Ethan broke the silence. “You could always go to the drugstore for a morning-after pill.”
Her heart seized. It was the one thing she wouldn’t do. She clenched her teeth and tried to stay calm, but inside she was in total turmoil. What if … what if by tomorrow morning, she’d already conceived? She’d messed with fate once before and it had been devastating. There’d been so much guilt, so much sadness to overcome. She didn’t want a baby now, but if she and Ethan created one, she’d let nature take its course and not interfere. Not again.
“Willow?”
She looked over at him, unsure of what to say. He didn’t know about her teenage pregnancy, or the abortion that followed, or the years she’d spent dealing with the fallout. Not only was she not going to take the morning-after pill; she wasn’t going to ever allow anyone to dictate her choices ever again. The last time her mother had forced her to have the abortion, or at least, Willow hadn’t been strong enough to fight against it. This time the choice would be hers.
“What?”
“I said, you can take the morning-after pill. I mean, that’s what it’s there for, right?”
“Right,” she agreed, answering his question but technically not agreeing to any such action.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t thinking straight. What I said before … I didn’t mean it. It just freaked me out. Getting pregnant would blow the hell out of taking it slow. And the boys…”
“I get it, Ethan. Everything is just too soon. There’s no sort of commitment between us, and an unplanned pregnancy would be a disaster.” She wanted to mean the words. She did. And logically she knew the timing couldn’t be worse. And yet a little part of her wondered if it might be a second chance.
For the love of Pete. She was thinking this way and it hadn’t even been an hour. Talk about borrowing trouble!
“Well, that’s good then.” He visibly relaxed, his white-knuckle grip on the wheel loosening and his shoulders relaxed.
They got to her apartment and he pulled into the back parking space, next to her little car. When he moved to unbuckle his seatbelt, she put out her hand. “I’m tired, Ethan. And I’ve got to open in the morning.”
He met her gaze, and she hated that he looked both confused and hurt. “Are you upset, Willow? Because it’s going to be fine.”
“I know.”
“Are you angry with me? I’m sorry I forgot, truly. And I blurted out stuff I didn’t mean…”
“I’m not angry, Ethan. The responsibility was as much mine as yours, so why would I be mad at you? It’s just been a crazy night, and I need to sleep on it. Plus I really do have to open in the morning.”
It was the first time in many years that’s she’d lied to someone’s face. She didn’t like that about herself, either. But right now she could only deal with one thing at a time, and memories were crowding in her mind, clouding her judgment.
“Okay. As long as you’re sure you’re okay.”
“I am.” She fake-smiled at him. “Promise.”
“You’ll go to the pharmacy tomorrow morning?”
The question was like a dagger to the heart. “I’ll look after it, Ethan.”
“Good.”
She leaned over and kissed his cheek. “I’ll talk to you soon, okay?”
He nodded. “I pick up the boys on Monday. Maybe we can get together then.” It wasn’t just her, then. Tonight had scared him too, and he was taking a step back from getting too close.
“I’ll let you know. I’ve been taking advantage of Emily. She might want a few extra hours off before the summer’s over. Just call or stop in, okay?”
“We’re okay?”
She nodded, on the verge of crying all of a sudden. Why couldn’t he just let her get out of the car and go?
“Good night, Ethan.”
She got out of the SUV and headed straight for the stairs, then turned at the top, pasted on a smile, and gave him a wave before putting the key in the lock and going inside.
She shut the door behind her and leaned against it, closing her eyes and fighting for breath. Her serenity was gone, broken. She’d fallen for him. The strong, tough, tender firefighter with two motherless boys. She’d done what she always ended up doing—nurturing, trying to fix things. Assuring herself she’d be okay, and then falling apart the moment she started to lose herself. All it had taken was one time forgetting a condom and she was rudderless, wondering what to do next.
She wanted.…
She wanted …
That was just it. She slid down the door, sitting on the floor with her back against the cool steel. She’d taught herself to be in the moment, to be happy with what was, and live in the now. She’d accepted herself, and her flaws, and her good qualities, but she’d forgotten one thing. She hadn’t allowed herself to dream of the future. She’d satisfied herself with what she had because wanting more had always caused her grief.
And now she wanted more. And she needed to believe it was okay to want more for herself. What was wrong with wanting love, and a family? Did she even know how to not be alone? Had she worked so hard at being independent that she’d made it impossible to give herself to someone else?
Or was it worse than that? Was it that she didn’t know how to accept love when it was offered?
And what if, by some miracle, there was a baby? What then? Ethan wasn’t looking for another wife. He’d made that plain. And he certainly wasn’t in the market for a baby mama.
Tears stung her lids and she dropped her head. Her hair fell over her shoulder and she smelled the river water. The woman on the riverbank seemed a lifetime away. She’d been wanton, reckless, beautiful, resplendent. Not small and slightly broken.
She crawled up from her sprawled position and went to the “studio” part of the apartment. Instinctively she went to the small stereo, and put on her favorite harmonium and chant recording, then gently lay down in Savasana. She let the drone and the ancient chant wash away the insecurities and fear. Whatever came her way, she could handle it. She’d been through worse, and she was older and wiser.
And she could do it with or without Ethan Gallagher.
The recording stopped and she slowly opened her eyes, looked down at her tattoo, and smiled. Her story wasn’t over. Not by a long shot. Because even if she forgot all the other lessons she’d learned, one remained.
She was a survivor.
* * *
Willow threw herself back into her work. The holiday weekend was a huge time for tourists to get away for one last bit of summer, and the café had a steady stream of customers looking for light lunches or snacks to take on outings and picnics. At least once an hour she overheard customers talking about heading to the Kissing Bridge, the town’s biggest tourist draw. Two by two they went to the stone structure and kissed, ensuring their love would last forever. All it did was remind Willow that things were unresolved between her and Ethan. Not from lack of trying on his part, though. He’d called three times already. Twice she’d let her voice mail answer, and the third time she’d picked up, hoping that talking to him would get him to cease and desist. Instead he’d asked her over for dinner.
She’d refused, even though it hurt. She might have considered it, except he was barely past the hellos when he asked her if she’d gone to the drugstore. She’d lied again and then felt horrible about it. And yet she couldn’t tell him the truth, because then he’d ask why, and that would open a whole Pandora’s box of issues she wasn’t ready to share.
She told him she’d call when she was ready. That things had moved a little too fast, and that the contraception issue had highlighted how they needed to slow down for a bit.
His silence had sliced into her like a paper cut.
Labor Day moved into back-to-school days. She and Emily conducted interviews and hired one full-time person and two part-time students to work the counter after school. Emily took over scheduling duties, while Willow adjusted the menu to more fall-like offerings: apple tarts, curried squash soup, heartier breads. She went back to her daily yoga practices, meditated, and started to run numbers for expansion, though her heart wasn’t really in it. She knew, deep down, that she was keeping busy to avoid dealing with her feelings for Ethan. And she knew it was the wrong approach. Her justification was that she’d wait for her period, and then once she knew for sure that they’d dodged a bullet, she’d figure out how she felt and then go to Ethan and talk it out.
It was a good plan.
Except for two things. First of all, her best friend was married to Ethan’s brother, and her next-best-friend was Ethan’s sister. Neither of them was good at minding her own business, and Willow wasn’t comfortable sharing personal details.
Secondly, her period never came.
Willow rose the morning of September 10th and went to the bathroom as usual. Nothing. She checked her phone for her calendar, and she was four days late. That wasn’t a big deal at any other time; she was usually a few days either side. But she didn’t have any of the normal tweakiness in her back, or the burst of energy she normally got a few days before that had her cleaning and organizing. She sighed and fought the urge to go back to bed. The last few nights she hadn’t been sleeping as well as she normally did. Maybe she’d do her yoga tonight and try to sneak in another half hour of sleep.
When she woke again, it was because her phone was ringing. She reached for it groggily, knocking it off her end table before groping for it on the floor and hitting the talk button. “Hello?”
“It’s Em. Are you okay? It’s nine thirty.”
“Nine thirty? Oh God. I only meant to sleep an extra half hour.”
“Don’t worry about it. It’s just not like you, and I wanted to be sure you’re okay.”
“I’m fine, just a little tired.” But she knew that, too, was a fib. “Are you able to handle things until lunch? Since I’m already late, I might run a few errands if you’ve got it under control.”
“Take your time. Like I said, I just wanted to make sure you’re okay. Thought I could bring you some tea or soup if you were sick.”
Sick. She swallowed against a lump of fear. Few days or not, the stress of the current situation was taking a toll and she needed to know one way or the other. The surest way to do that was to do a pregnancy test. And she’d be damned if she’d buy the test at the Darling pharmacy.
“I’m fine. Text me if you need anything while I’m out. I’ll be back for the rush at noon. Promise.”
“No worries. Glad you’re okay. I’d better get back.”
Willow hung up the phone and flopped back onto the covers. Pregnant. Was it possible? The slim chance wasn’t feeling so slim anymore. She put her hand on her flat belly and wondered. Fear ran cold through her veins, but something else was there, too. Something that acknowledged that carrying a baby was a beautiful thing. And that if it was meant to be, she’d go through with it and the hell with the consequences.
She dressed and brushed her teeth and drove into Stowe, where not a soul would recognize her. She didn’t even wait to go home to take the test. She peed on the stick in a bathroom stall in a coffee shop, then sat in her car and waited for the results. Early fall was all around her—an empty school bus went by, businesses opened their doors to the warm temperatures but put potted mums on their stoops instead of petunias and geraniums. The sun had lost its summer harshness and its rays were gilded and soft. It was Willow’s favorite time of year, and she focused on it for a few minutes to give the stick time to form a definitive result.
She held her breath and checked it.
It was positive.
She was going to have a baby.
Her breath came out in a whoosh and she rested her head on the steering wheel. One time. Just once. She seriously had to have the most fertile eggs on the planet. How was she going to tell Ethan? He didn’t want a baby. They’d only been together twice. Twice! He had a family and wasn’t in the market for another.
And she’d lied to him. And now he’d know that she didn’t take a morning-after pill like she’d said she would.
For the first time in two weeks, she felt sick.
She needed to eat. The nausea wasn’t morning sickness, but instead emotional upheaval paired with an empty stomach. She took a few deep breaths and got out of the car again, and went inside the shop to buy a muffin and some milk. Once she’d eaten, she hit the road. She had to go back to Darling and The Purple Pig. Emily and the rest of the staff was relying on her. And she needed to speak to Ethan, but wanted to take a little time to get used to the idea first.
She was going to be a mother. Holy shit.
A mother.
She pulled over to the side of the road just before she burst into tears. Not panicked ones, not scared ones, but overwhelmed tears that welled out of her eyes and slid down her cheeks. The significance of what was about to happen hit her square in the chest. Her life was going to change forever.
She wasn’t sure she’d ever have a chance to have another baby. She’d wondered if not having one would be some sort of a punishment. That she was … unworthy.
She’d always felt unworthy. She still did. Unworthy of her mother’s love, unworthy of forgiveness, unworthy of Ethan, even. And still … there was a little human developing inside her. A cluster of cells that would divide and grow and soon have a heartbeat and little fingers and toes …
For some reason, she’d been given this chance. And she would be worthy of this child. She’d make sure of it.
When her tears were dried, she pulled back onto the road again and headed home. She’d figure this out step by step.