Five a.m., and Laurel, true to her word, was at Willow’s door with yoga mat in hand. “Okay,” she said, a little breathlessly. “I haven’t been sleeping that well. I think I need to chill out.”
Willow smiled. “You’ve come to the right place.” She stepped back from the door and let Laurel inside. True enough, her friend seemed wound tighter than a spring. “Anything in particular going on?”
For a brief moment, Willow thought maybe Laurel was going to say something, but Laurel shook her head and toed off her sandals. “Just antsy, I guess. Maybe it’s a full moon or something.”
Her voice sounded a little too nonchalant, but Willow wouldn’t press. People revealed things on their own time, when they were ready. Instead she grabbed her own mat, put out a few blocks and a bolster for Laurel, and started the soothing background music.
“You need to breathe deeply first,” she said quietly, raising her arms and filling her diaphragm with air. Dutifully, Laurel inhaled as deeply as possible, then blew it out.
“It’s just that—”
“Not now,” Willow said firmly. “After. Focus on mindfulness now. Listen to your breathing. Feel your chest rise and fall.”
It took several minutes, but finally Laurel started to melt into the poses, her breathing deep and regular. Willow needed the practice herself; today was Thursday, she hadn’t seen Ethan or the boys since Tuesday, but they’d been on her mind constantly. And she’d see them today, when they came to help organize the food bank.
Frustrated that she’d allowed her thoughts to wander away from the moment, she focused on a more challenging move. Grasshopper pose required focus and strength in the upper body and core. Willow pressed both hands on the floor, exhaled, and lifted both her legs perpendicular to her body, while being balanced on her hands. Laurel, meanwhile, modified it by doing the Baby Grasshopper, and kept one foot and both hands pressed on the floor, since she couldn’t quite reach for her other foot.
“Show-off,” Laurel muttered. Willow carefully came out of the pose, angled Laurel a sideways grin, and then led them both through a few cool-down poses.
She was sweaty. Laurel was, too, but the tension seemed to have melted out of her shoulders, and her face wasn’t so tight. “Better?” Willow asked.
“Much,” Laurel replied.
“It’s unusual for you to come over for yoga this early.” Willow went to the kitchen and put on the kettle for her morning cup of green tea, then grabbed two glasses, filled them with water, and went back to the living room. “Normally you’re an end-of-the-day practice girl.”
Laurel took the water and drank half of it down, then looked at Willow. “Oh, I suppose it won’t hurt to tell you. I know my secrets are safe with you.”
Secrets?
“There’s nothing official yet, but since the wedding, Aiden and I…” Laurel paused, and her cheeks colored a bit. A smile spread across her face. “Well, we’re trying to have a baby. We decided we didn’t want to wait.”
Willow put down her glass, a wave of surprise making her temporarily silent. A baby? They’d only been married a little over a month! “Wow, that’s fast,” she said, but she couldn’t help but smile back. How could she not, when Laurel looked so happy? “So why the sleeplessness?”
Laurel sighed. “Excitement? Overthinking? I keep wondering if I already am, and what it will be like, and what our lives will be like, and then what if I don’t get pregnant right away … my brain is a runaway train.”
Willow put her hand on Laurel’s forearm. “You’re sure it’s not too fast? You just got married. I figured you’d still be running around naked at this point.”
Laurel’s blush deepened. “Who says we’re not?” Then she giggled. “Oh God, Wil. If I’m not pregnant, it’s not from lack of trying.”
Willow burst out laughing, and Laurel added her sheepish grin.
“Are you late yet?”
“A few days, but that’s not unusual. And I haven’t said a word to Aiden. One of us being wound up is bad enough. He’ll hover.”
The kettle began to whistle, and Willow went to the kitchen and poured the water over the leaves. “Well, it would make Aiden’s mom happy. I hear she’s very big on grandchildren.”
Laurel came into the kitchen and sent Willow a sly look. “And how would you know that?”
Without missing a beat, she reached for a cup and replied, “Hannah gets a lot of pressure at home to settle down and start having babies.”
“And is that your only source of information?”
“What do you mean?” She focused on the mug and carefully poured the tea.
“Rumor has it that you had ice cream with one of the Gallagher boys the other night.”
“Actually, it was three of the Gallagher boys, and we got a cone after Connor and Ronan’s soccer practice.”
“And you say that as if it happens every day of the week. What the heck, Wil? You start seeing Ethan and you don’t tell your best friend?”
Willow’s jaw dropped. “Wait … seeing him? Oh, it’s not like that. Not at all. I watched the boys for a few hours the day that Ethan was hurt, and now he’s kind of at loose ends, being off work and all. He stopped in to ask if he could help with the food bank project, and I walked over to the soccer field with him. That’s all.”
“So you went for a walk to see his children play soccer?”
Oh, that made it sound like it was totally something it was not. “Honestly, Laurel, I’ve been managing the café and the project at the same time. I needed some fresh air and some time to decompress. I walked over. They were going to ice cream and asked if I wanted to go along. I like the boys, they’re good kids. So I said yes. End of story.”
Laurel drank the rest of her water and gave Willow a “sure it is” kind of look. Willow’s serenity from her morning practice was now shot. Not just because of Laurel’s insinuations, but because they weren’t totally unfounded. They’d gotten off to a rocky start, but she couldn’t deny there was something about Ethan that intrigued her. It didn’t hurt that he was ruggedly gorgeous. Redheads usually weren’t her thing, but his coppery hair only seemed to highlight the blue of his eyes. And then there was the way he treated his boys. They were his whole world.
“You probably want to shower,” Laurel said, “And I have to get back and get ready to be at the garden center by eight. Can we please set aside some time to get together soon, just us? I miss that.”
“You mean when you’re not chasing Aiden around in his birthday suit? Because I don’t think I want to witness that.”
Laurel giggled. “Touché.” Then her expression sobered. “Look, I know I gave you a hard time about Ethan, but honestly, think about it. He’s withdrawn a lot since Lisa’s death, but he’s a good guy. The Gallagher brothers … they know how to treat a woman right.” Then she rolled her eyes. “Well, except maybe Rory. He’s still in the ‘plaything’ stage.”
“Get going and worry about your own romantic life. This interfering can’t be good for your uterus.”
“Not a word,” Laurel cautioned, and Willow made a motion as if zipping her lips.
“Love you.” Laurel’s face softened and she gave Willow a quick kiss on the cheek. “And I’ll be by on Saturday for my volunteer shift.” She zoomed out the door, leaving silence in her wake.
Willow checked the time and panicked, then headed for the shower. She got under the spray while the water was still cool, not wanting to waste time. Besides, the sooner she got to work, the sooner she could focus on something else. Or someone else.
* * *
The new food bank wasn’t quite bedlam, but it was close. Willow took a deep breath and consulted quickly with Shelley, the previous coordinator, to get new instructions. Shelley was old hat at this, and knew just how to organize incoming donations. These were only the first deliveries. More food drives were expected to happen on Saturday, and then they’d go through this again.
Right now Willow was writing labels on recipe cards and pasting them on the shelves. Canned vegetables, soup, pasta, canned fruit, cereal … All had their own shelves. Tomorrow morning the first of the fresh food would arrive: lettuces, tomatoes, beans, cucumbers, late-season strawberries.
By two, the initial rush had calmed and food was sorted and put in front of the appropriate shelving. It was perfect timing when Ethan walked in with the boys. He was wearing faded jeans and a gray-blue T-shirt, and his arm wasn’t in the sling anymore. It hung by his side, still encased in the cast. Connor and Ronan looked adorable. They were dressed in shorts and T-shirts with sandals on their feet. When they stepped inside the reception area, their eyes got huge.
“Hi, guys!” Willow stepped forward to greet them.
“Hi, Wil-low.” Ronan still said her name in that cute stilted fashion, and it made her smile.
“Hi, Ronan.” She looked at Connor. “Have you grown since I saw you last?”
He beamed.
Then she looked up at Ethan, and heat flooded into her cheeks. “Hello,” she said, softer.
“Hi.” He smiled, a small, faint smile, but it was more than she was used to seeing on his face. “We came to work.” He slid his gaze away and down at the duo at his feet. “Didn’t we, boys?”
Connor nodded. “Willow, what’s a food bank? I thought a bank was where you keep money.”
She smiled. “Well, sometimes people don’t have enough money to buy food for themselves or their families. People donate extra food, and we keep it here, and when someone needs help, they can come get some groceries for free.”
“Free?”
“That’s right. You and me, we’re pretty lucky, aren’t we? We have lots to eat, and a nice warm house to live in, too. But not everyone is that lucky, so it’s our job to give them a hand.”
Connor’s eyes never left her face. “That’s nice, isn’t it?”
Her heart melted a bit. “Yes, it is. And you’re nice, because you’re going to help us get everything ready. It’s a very grown-up, responsible thing to do.”
She looked at Ethan, trying to ignore the fluttering she felt when he watched her so closely. “I have just the job for them, and we’ll be close by if they need direction.”
Willow led them into the biggest room, where the bulk of the shelving held nonperishables. A few volunteers were stocking the shelves, and she led the boys right to a laundry hamper that was loaded with canned vegetables.
She showed them how to stock the cans on the shelves, and watched as Ethan gave Connor a little step stool to stand on to reach the third shelf. His T-shirt stretched across his shoulders as he lifted and moved the basket for the boys, and Willow reminded herself that dealing with attraction was not on the day’s agenda.
Ronan handed her the cans and she started a little row on each shelf: a row for peas, green beans, corn, tomatoes. It took very little time before they were digging around in the hamper for different kinds of veggies.
“That’s cute,” Ethan said. They watched as Connor lined up a can of peas precisely with the one before, the label facing out.
“I thought sorting and stacking might be something they could do. I’ve got some for you, too.” There was a rolling bin full of cereals a few feet away. “You’re on cereal duty. I’m going to do peanut butters and jams and those sorts of things. If you run out, let me know. There’s more in the back to be sorted.”
“You’re not going to work with me?”
That was just what she needed … to be in even closer proximity to him. “You’re a big boy. I thought you could figure it out on your own.”
They worked for an hour, with only a few interruptions to settle small squabbles. Willow finished the vegetables when the boys started to get bored, and moved them to another spot where they could stock sweets like pudding cups and granola bars. That got them excited, and Willow heard them chattering on about their favorite treats and what Riley so-and-so took his lunch, and what snack time was like at the day care.
Ethan’s bin was empty, so they wheeled it into the back room and Willow started filling it with pasta, rice, and potato flakes. She spun around to wheel the bin and came chest to chest with Ethan, who was preparing to do the same.
“Sorry,” she murmured, but the word came out all breathless. There were no windows in this room, and the dim light added an artificial intimacy to the situation.
His left hand had grabbed her arm as she’d stumbled against him, and she felt his fingers tighten there for a moment. Her gaze was drawn to his by an unseen force, and the intensity in his made her weak in the knees.
When was the last time someone had looked at her this way? The combination of attraction and complication was seductively dangerous. She hadn’t been wrong, then, the other night on the Green. That moment when their eyes met, and she hadn’t been able to look away. It hadn’t been just her. He was feeling it, too. And, she suspected, he didn’t like it any more than she did. The pull between them had trouble written all over it.
They were too different. Too damaged. He had kids. She was a free spirit who, despite liking his children, hadn’t really thought much about settling down and having a family. In fact, she’d tried very hard not to think about it.
And yet his fingers tightened on her arm and she wet her lips with her tongue. The swirl of nerves in her abdomen intensified as his gaze followed the movement, and fixed on her mouth.
So much for serenity.
He leaned closer, and she was sure that there was confusion and something else tangled up in his eyes, something that drew her in and made her breath catch. Closer, closer … another few inches and his mouth would be touching hers. Her lashes began to flutter closed …
A scream interrupted the moment, and they both backed away as if slapped. “That’s Ronan,” Ethan said, turning to the door and hurrying to the main room. Willow rushed behind him, her heart pounding both from the almost-kiss that had just happened and the adrenaline shot from hearing the child scream.
Ronan was sitting on the floor howling, holding his foot in his hands. Connor was beside him, red in the face, his brow puckered. “I didn’t mean to!” he insisted, stomping his foot a little. “Be quiet, Ronan!”
“What happened?” Ethan knelt in front of Ronan.
“We were just putting cans on—”
Ethan held up a finger, silencing Connor. “Ronan? What happened?”
There was a big, shaky intake of breath, and then Ronan looked up, two giant tears welling in his eyes. “T’matoes,” he said hatefully. “Connor dropped it on my t-t-toes.”
“I didn’t mean to!” Connor insisted again, his voice a miserable ball of frustration.
“Let me see,” Ethan said, holding out his hand. Willow watched as he carefully examined Ronan’s toe. There was a smear of blood across the top of his big toe and when Ethan touched it, the little boy howled again.
“Owwww!”
Willow saw Ethan sigh. He was limited in what he could do because of his cast. “Can I help?” she asked.
Ethan stood and leaned closer. “He’s cracked the toenail, and I don’t want it to catch on anything. It needs to be trimmed, but I doubt he’ll sit still for me to do it.”
Willow’s stomach turned a bit. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt a little boy, even if it meant helping. But Ethan couldn’t do it. She set her jaw. “I’ve got nail clippers and a first-aid kit upstairs. I can go get it.”
The other volunteers had come to the door, wondering what all the commotion was about. Willow smiled at them. “We had a rogue can of tomatoes take on a little toe. The tomatoes won. No biggie. Sorry for the disruption.”
“Is he okay?” Shelley asked, coming forward.
“You’re okay, aren’t you buddy?” Willow tried to inject positivity in her voice. She looked back at Shelley. “I’m going to bandage it up and he’ll be good as new. Though maybe ready for a nap.”
“We’re ahead of schedule here, Willow, and appreciate everything you’ve done. Really, providing the space and organizing all this is more than enough. Why don’t you look after this little guy and take a few hours’ rest? You deserve it.”
Willow was a little uncertain. “Are you sure? I don’t want to leave you in the lurch.”
“Of course I’m sure. And I know where to find you if I need anything. Go.” She smiled warmly and leaned closer to Willow’s ear. “Besides, if I had the option of stocking shelves or spending an hour or two with Ethan Gallagher, I know what I’d choose.”
Willow hoped she wasn’t blushing, but figured she was when her cheeks felt hot. It didn’t help that she was still reeling from that moment out back. What on earth was wrong with her?
She turned back to Ethan. “Come on upstairs. You and Connor can have a drink and we’ll get Ronan’s toe like new.” She knelt down in front of Ronan. “Is that okay? Will you let me bandage your toe for you?”
His little lip quivered. “It’ll hurt.”
“I will be as gentle as I can, sweetie. That way it can heal faster and you’ll be all better.”
“Can I have ice cream?”
She grinned. “You drive a tough bargain.”
He smiled a little and held out his arms. Touched, she helped him up and then lifted him into her arms. He was heavy, but not too much for her to manage. Ethan and Connor held the door for her as they went out, and then again when they climbed the back stairs to Willow’s apartment.
Once inside, she put Ethan and Connor to work getting out the last of her batch of ice cream while she put Ronan down on the futon and went for the first-aid box.
“Ronan, I’m going to have to use my nail trimmers to trim your nail a bit.”
“No!” He pulled his foot away from her hand.
She looked him in the eye. “Do you trust me?”
He shook his head, and she smiled.
“If I don’t trim it, it’ll catch on things and hurt a lot worse. I promise I’ll be gentle.” She crossed her heart. “Just be brave for me and this’ll be all better before you know it.”
She felt Ethan’s eyes on her, but she ignored them and focused on Ronan. She lifted his foot in her palm and felt the tension in his leg. There wasn’t much blood; it was easy to see where the nail had split. As carefully as she could, she snipped away the nail, avoiding lifting along the split and causing more pain. Ronan was stiff as a board and whimpering, but he held steady, thank goodness.
“There. The worst part is over.” She dropped his foot to her knee and reached for the antiseptic. “Now we’re just going to put on a bandage and you’re all set.”
“That stings!” He pulled away again, and Willow restrained herself from sighing. He was just scared, as any three-year-old would be.
She leaned forward. “I’ll tell you a secret. This kind doesn’t sting. And I spray it on so I don’t even have to touch your toe. It’s like magic.”
She sprayed the toe, then made quick work of wrapping it with clean gauze and then a bandage. “Oh my goodness! Look how big your toe is now!”
Ronan giggled.
“Good job, buddy,” Ethan said from behind them. The sound of his voice sent ripples along Willow’s nerve endings. Here he was, with his kids, in her apartment again. Her sanctuary was invaded, and she didn’t actually mind in the least. That was what bothered her most of all. It felt right.
Ethan handed Ronan a small bowl of ice cream. “You did some great first aid,” he commented, looking down at Willow. His eyes were warm and a smile teased his lips. God, he was so likeable this way, now that he’d dropped some of his barriers.
“You’d be better with the first aid than me,” she replied. “Being a fireman and all.”
“Yes, but you have a better bedside manner.”
Her cheeks heated again. She really wished she’d stop doing that.
Connor stood nearby, spooning in ice cream as fast as he could. “Dad, can I go see Jimmy or something? I mean, after the ice cream?”
“I should take Ronan home. You can see Jimmy another time.”
“But Dad, I’m bored. And Ronan won’t be able to play now, and I’m bored.”
Willow looked at Ethan. “Two ‘boreds’ in there. It’s serious.”
He rolled his eyes. “Connor…”
“Please, Dad? Jimmy’s mom did say to come over anytime. We’ve been working on a fort and stuff.”
Ethan sighed. “Let me call her first and make sure it’s okay.”
“I wanna go,” Ronan said, flopping his bowl down on the futon.
“Dad, I have to take him everywhere. Can’t I just go alone?”
Ethan held up his hands. “Stop, everyone.” Willow watched him take a deep breath. “Ronan, not this time. Connor, let me check with Jimmy’s mom. Willow?”
“Yes, Dad?” she teased.
He blushed. She watched embarrassment creep up his cheeks and was delighted. Even Connor, in all poutiness, started to giggle. Ethan was so handsome when he didn’t look so stressed. Not just handsome … sexy. He was too rough and rugged to be strictly handsome. There was a physicality about him that was alluring. A strength and confidence she admired. It suited him far more than the chip he usually carried around on his shoulder.
“Sorry.” He looked a little sheepish. “I got a bit carried away.”
“Why don’t you make your phone call, and if it’s okay, you can take Connor wherever he needs to go and Ronan can stay here with me.”
Ronan protested, but Willow leaned over and whispered into his ear, and he quieted instantly. Within a few minutes it was settled. Connor was going to Jimmy’s for the remainder of the afternoon, and Ethan would be back to pick up Ronan.
Ethan hesitated right before he left. “You’re sure it’s okay if he stays here? You always seem to have something to do, and I don’t want to interfere.
She smiled. “Ronan and I will be just fine, won’t we?”
Ronan nodded. “We has a secret.”
Once Ethan and Connor were gone, Willow and Ronan darted over to the hanging chair, Ronan limping a bit because of his toe but fast just the same. Willow sat inside first, and then gathered Ronan onto her lap. She kept one foot on the floor so that she could use her toe to move the swing back and forth in a slightly rocking motion. Ronan grinned up at her. “I like your chair, Wil-low.”
He was utterly enchanting. He smelled like laundry soap from his clothes, and like a little boy—a little bit dusty and a little bit baby-ish. Her heart turned over when he snuggled into the crook of her arm and looked up at her. He was so trusting. It made her feel … whole. Worthy. In a way she hadn’t in a very long time, if ever.
“Tell me a story,” he said.
Oh, dear. Little-boy stories were not something she was familiar with. “What sort of story do you like?”
“Any kind of story. I like books.”
“So do I.” She thought for a minute, before she came up with the story of the Three Billy Goats Gruff. It was an old standard, but it would work, particularly if she could do a troll voice.
She was only on the second goat crossing the bridge when she felt Ronan’s little body relax further in her arms, and his lashes started lingering on the tops of his cheeks as he blinked. She softened her voice and kept her toe moving the chair in that ever-so-slow rocking motion. By the time she’d ended the story to the best of her recollection, he was out.
She leaned back and closed her eyes. Ronan was so sweet, so trusting. And for the first time in a long time, she allowed her mind to drift, allowed the memories to wash over her, the questions and what ifs, and she thought about her own child. Her little boy or girl would have been … well, nearly ten by now. She didn’t think of it often. The pregnancy and the end of that pregnancy were a part of her distant past. But with Ronan in her arms, sleeping soundly, it was impossible to forget.
The day she’d found out she was pregnant was the first day of a hell that had lasted over five years. She’d had so many emotions to contend with, and no emotional support. No one she’d confided in. She’d been an achiever. Type A, controlling, driven. And scared, so scared. Desperate for her mother’s attention; eventually accepting attention from the wrong place. Then the abortion … and the horrible, secret way she’d dealt with all the stress and heartbreak. And she’d done it all alone.
Her lip trembled as she thought of how she’d healed since then. She was happy with her life and who she’d become, but she still got emotional about it from time to time. Being with Ethan and his boys brought a lot of those feelings back, and she knew the best thing to do was to sit with them, acknowledge them, deal with them, and let them go.
Ronan snuffled and burrowed closer, and she tightened her arms around him. Maybe it was time she admitted to herself that she still wanted children. She didn’t want to be alone forever. Admitting it threatened the peaceful life she’d built for herself, and trying to picture herself as a wife and mother seemed impossible. How on earth would she manage everything?
And yet a very real part of her felt the yearning, burrowing a hole into her heart that longed to be filled. It frightened her. It frightened her more than anything had in a very, very long time.
She only had to deal with one day at a time, she reminded herself. Besides, it was only acknowledging the desire. Despite the vibes running between her and Ethan lately, he wasn’t in the market for a wife. And she certainly wasn’t looking to step into a ready-made family.
She looked down at Ronan’s peaceful face and sighed. No matter how adorable they were.