Ethan handed her into his car with such care that she wanted to start crying all over again.
She couldn’t believe he was here. That he’d left work—he was still in his uniform—and rushed to her side. More than that, he’d seemed so relieved that she hadn’t lost the baby.
She was, too. The entire time she’d sat in the exam room, she’d prayed for her baby to be safe.
Maybe the timing was wrong. Maybe this was more complicated than she wished it was, but when the doctor had come in and said everything looked okay, she’d realized that none of that mattered. She wasn’t going to be a mother; she was a mother already. And it was a blessing.
“Are you in a lot of pain? Hannah said something about your hip, and your head.”
She shook her head slightly. “It’s okay. The doctor said I could take some stuff for it, but I’d rather not. I’ll put some ice on it when I get home and take it easy for a couple of days.”
“I know what ‘take it easy’ means to you. Stay off your feet, listen to your body, and take rests, okay? When Lisa…”
He halted, but she reached over and touched his hand. “When Lisa what? You can talk about her, you know.”
He looked over at her briefly before focusing on the road again. “When Lisa was expecting the boys, she said she got tired really easily, especially at the first and the last of the pregnancy.”
She smiled softly. “I do get sleepy, right around two o’clock every day. Thanks for telling me, Ethan. For sharing.”
“I haven’t shared much of anything lately. Mainly myself. I want to change that, Willow.”
“I’d like that. I’ve…” She swallowed against a thick lump of emotion. “I’ve missed you.”
“Me, too.”
They drove in silence after that, somehow tacitly agreeing that they’d hold off on the serious conversation until they were home. He took her to her apartment, and when she would have hobbled up the stairs to her door, he picked her up in his arms instead and carried her to the top.
She didn’t want to be thrilled, but she was. He was so strong, so capable. When he wasn’t around she’d felt a little lost. When he was nearby she felt safe, protected. It had nothing to do with not being able to do for herself, but everything to do with feeling cherished and valued, something she’d been missing for too many years.
Willow Dunaway was strong enough now to realize that caring and loving someone made her stronger, not weaker. It made her vulnerable, but brave. He put her down on the futon and then sat beside her, brushing a strand of hair away from her face and tucking it behind her ear. “Do you need anything?” he asked. “Ice? Something to drink? Do you want to lie down?”
She smiled at him. “All three, but later. Thank you for bringing me home.”
He took her hand between his. “When Hannah called … you know how sometimes people say they have a moment of truth? Mine was when she said Aiden had taken you to the hospital.”
“It wasn’t that serious. It was just a bike, you know. Hannah overreacted and honestly, going to the hospital was just a precaution.”
“Of course it was. You’re pregnant, Willow. I know I’ve been a jerk. More than that. I’ve been a coward. You shouldn’t have had to deal with this all alone. I should have been there with you. It took two of us that night. And yeah, I was upset when I found out you lied, but to shut you out? That was fear, pure and simple. Fear and denial.”
He rubbed his thumb over the top of her hand as his gaze held hers. “I understand why you did what you did. And I’m so, so sorry that you ever had to go through that as a girl. But it’s made you into the woman you’ve become, and…”
He inhaled sharply, searched her eyes, and said, “And I love her.”
She hadn’t expected such an admission, and she didn’t have a response right away. Love? Had he really just said he loved her? The man who was so determined not to put himself out there again? Who wasn’t ready for whatever love might mean for a relationship?
“You’re not just saying that because of the baby, are you?”
“I get why you’d think that, and all I can say is that I’ll spend as long as it takes trying to convince you. I love the stripe in your hair—I like the blue by the way—and the way that you laugh, and how pale blue is your favorite color. I like how you smile and that you take care of everyone without them really noticing.” His voice broke a bit. “I love walking in here and finding my son curled up in your arms in that silly chair, both of you asleep. I love how you kiss me and make me feel about nineteen again, and like I can conquer the world. I love it all so much it scares the hell out of me, because I think I’d die if I lost you, too.”
“Oh,” she said, the word barely more than a squeak. As speeches went, it was rather magnificent, and she suspected that if she tried to say more, she’d burst out crying—something she was doing more often lately.
“I pushed you away rather than deal with those fears. And a funny thing happened.”
“What’s that?”
“I lost you anyway. And it still hurt, even though I tried to tell myself it didn’t.”
She put her free hand over his. “You love me? But I’m … oh, Ethan. I’m so flawed. I thought I had my shit together and clearly I don’t. Maybe I never will, and maybe that’s the point. We’re both so damaged…”
“You told me once that your last relationship ended because you brought each other down rather than making each other stronger. Willow, you make me stronger. I was a grumpy hermit when we met. I tried to be happy for the boys but I know eventually they would have figured it out. Then suddenly I wasn’t snapping at anyone anymore. I looked forward to seeing you. I thought about you when we were apart. You took a moment when I was hurting and you kissed me and made me feel like a man again. You made me more, just by being you.”
Tears quivered on her lashes. Damn, he was doing a very good job, but she needed him to know how she felt, too. He wasn’t in this alone.
She swiped away at the moisture and cleared the well of emotion from her throat. “I know I said that our relationship pointed out my flaws, but that’s not a bad thing, either.” She moved her hand from his clasp and cupped his jaw. “I found all this peace and thought that my business was enough to bring me fulfillment, but being with you … I’d stopped dreaming of a future with love in it, you see. Which is stupid, because love is the most important thing in the whole world. Growth isn’t always fun. It can be painful. But I grew up these last few months. I started dreaming again. Once I stopped freaking out about the baby, I started looking forward to the future. There was just one problem. I wanted a future with you in it, and you weren’t here.”
“I’m sorry…”
“No, don’t. You’re here now. I love you, Ethan. It scares the living hell out of me to say that, but it’s true. I’m trusting you with it, which is also huge. The thing is, even when you were so angry and confused, I knew deep down that you are the best man I’ve ever known. You’re strong and kind and brave, and an incredible father. Your heart calls to mine, Ethan. It calls and mine answers and that is something so rare it needs to be treasured.”
He leaned forward and touched his forehead to hers. “Every time we’ve been together, you’ve humbled me somehow. It’s your gift, Willow. You have a beautiful spirit. What I said the first night about you … I didn’t know what to do with all your, I don’t know, perfection. What I discovered is a complete lack of artifice and a heart that’s so genuine it puts mine to shame.” His lips touched hers briefly. “I resented you because you made me want to be a better man. And then before I knew what was happening, I loved you for it.”
She closed her eyes and leaned her face closer to his, not quite kissing. “And the baby?”
“Of course I want to be a father to this baby. I just had to take my head out of my ass.”
She laughed abruptly, so happy that Ethan sounded like his old self again. “And I want to be a mother. I don’t know how it’s all going to work out, but it will. I know it will.”
“We don’t have to decide right now. We just need to keep talking. Keep loving each other.”
“And the boys. I love them too, Ethan. You must know that. I would never try to take Lisa’s place, but I’ll love them like my own, and hopefully they’ll love me back.”
“They already do,” he said.
She kissed him then, a slow, lingering kiss that healed wounds and made promises. It wasn’t until she tried to shift closer that the pain in her hip knifed into her.
“Here,” he said gently, setting her back on the sofa. He got up and went to the freezer and took out an ice pack, then wrapped it in a little towel and brought it back to her, along with a glass of water. She drank, then he sat on the futon with the throw pillows at his back and eased her back against his chest. He tucked the ice pack against her hip and then stroked her hair away from her face as her head rested in the curve of his shoulder.
“Better?”
“Almost.”
She reached around for his hand, and guided it to the tiny bubble that had begun to form at her belly. His palm was wide and warm, and she closed her eyes. “Now that’s better.”
“I love you, Willow.”
“I love you, Ethan.”
“Don’t scare me like that again.”
She smiled. “I’ll try not to go to such drastic lengths if I need your attention.”
He kissed her hair. “You won’t need to,” he assured her. “I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”