I pull up to the hospital for my last shift of the week and it looks like all hell is breaking loose. There are five ambulances and a few cop cars. I park and sprint to the first ambulance. Fuck, it’s a kid. I hop in the back and take over squeezing the controlled ventilation bag from the EMT.

“What are his vitals?” I ask.

“BP is one-ten over sixty, and his pulse is strong. He was pulled out of a burning apartment building. He has no physical signs of injury. I believe at this point it’s just smoke inhalation, but I don’t know how long he’s been unconscious for.”

“Alright, let’s get him inside and consult with an attending. We’ll need to page the pediatric on-call doctor as well.”

While we push the gurney inside, he suddenly goes into cardiac arrest. The EMT yells “code blue” and every available staff member comes over to help us. I watch in horror as this little guy quickly loses color, and I know we don’t have much time.

“We need a crash cart,” I yell.

Ron, the attending on duty, takes over while I cut open the boy’s shirt and hook up the heart monitors. Jaime, another nurse, charges the paddles as I smear goo on his chest.

“CLEAR!” Ron shouts before sending a volt of electricity coursing through his body. We all put our hands in the air and step away from the patient. “Charging 200 joules,” he says and shocks him, causing the boy to bow off of the bed. But we get nothing. The line on the monitor stays flat.

Ron shocks the boy again. The pediatric doctor arrives and assists. We all continue to work as a team on him for the next forty minutes, but never restart his heart. The time of death is called and that horrible sinking feeling comes over me. As much as I love my job, during times like this I absolutely loathe it. Losing a patient is never easy, but when it’s a child, it’s just heartbreaking.

I excuse myself and head outside. There’s nothing else I can do. It was on my watch that someone’s little boy died. Walking towards my car, I take a minute to myself on the way to grab my bag. Then I hear someone call my name. I turn to see Ben jogging towards me.

“Hey, are you okay?” he asks.

I shake my head not wanting to talk about what just happened. “Cara, talk to me. What’s the matter?”

“I just lost a patient. A kid.”

His expression changes to sorrow as he steps closer, wrapping me in his arms. I take comfort in his firm hold and tightly grip his t-shirt. The way he holds me is exactly what I need right now, and he doesn’t push me to talk any further or ask more questions. We stand like this for a few minutes and when he pulls away from me, he rests his forehead on mine, and stares at me.

Looking into his eyes again like I did the other day, I don’t feel anything and I pull away. “I have to get my bag out of my car.”

He releases me. “Yeah, of course. Listen, I’m really sorry. Let me know if you need anything?”

I nod my head and when Ben turns to walk away from me, I see Abel standing at the entrance of the ER. Immediately I’m on pins and needles with anticipation as to why he is here. Abel turns away from me and walks inside. I continue to my car to grab my purse. I know I shouldn’t be excited that Abel is here, but I can’t help what I’m feeling. That spark that I’d hoped to feel with Ben ignites within me the moment I see Abel, even from a hundred feet away.

Walking back inside, I look for him but don’t see him in the waiting room. I press the button on the wall allowing access to the ER and I see Abel at the end of the hallway.

Sonofabitch.

He’s talking to Ben and is inches away from his face. Ben has his hands out to the sides of him and is shaking his head. I jog down the hall. “Abel, what the hell are you doing?”

He looks away from Ben and back to me. “I was just asking this little prick why he had his hands all over you in the parking lot.”

“That’s none of your business!”

Abel looks away from me and back to Ben. Clearly he is making this his business and doesn’t give a damn how I feel.

Ben starts talking, “Cara just had a patient pass away and was upset. I was just trying to comfort her, that’s all.”

Abel’s eyes are glued to mine. “I hope you’re happy, Abel. And to make things clear, you don’t have a right to care who the hell has their hands on me,” I snap at him.

Ben walks away from us and I call after him. But he waves me off and disappears around the corner.

“Shit, I’m sorry. I had no idea,” Abel says.

“Don’t you think it’s a little late for that? I mean, really. Who the hell do you think you are coming in here acting like this?”

He steps closer and I retreat a step. “Don’t. I told you yesterday this was finished.”

“I wasn’t trying to do anything. I heard you. I’m sorry for how I just acted. You’re right -- it’s not my place.”

“Damn straight you have no right. You are so much to handle! What the hell are you doing here anyway?”

“One of my guys was brought in with smoke inhalation so I came to check on him.”

“Fine. What’s his name and I’ll take you to his room?”

“Troy Sorano.”

“Okay, follow me.” I turn and start walking, not waiting to see if he comes with me or not. But I can sense that he is behind me. How could you not sense someone with a presence like his? As we round the corner, I check the board and see that Troy is in room 114. Of course, I’m his nurse.

“Fuck, you stink,” I quip at Abel.

“Sorry, I just left a fire. It was an apartment building, and pretty brutal.”

I think back to the EMT telling me that the kid was pulled out of an apartment building. I wonder if Abel saved him. I turn to look at him as we approach Troy’s room. He has his huge black and yellow firefighter pants on and a blue Denver Fire t-shirt. He has soot all over his arms and forehead. I realize now that I didn’t even notice any of this when I first saw him. I open the door and we enter Troy’s room.

“Hi Troy, I’m Cara. I found someone that came to see you.” He opens his eyes to see Abel standing next to me and smiles.

“What’s up, Chief? You didn’t have to come here.”

Abel smiles and sits in the chair next to his bed. “I know I didn’t have to. I wanted to. Plus I’m supposed to be the last one out of any fire and your crazy ass didn’t listen to me when I said we needed to evacuate.”

“I’m sorry, but there was a little boy in there and I couldn’t leave him. I had to get him out.”

“Don’t be sorry. I’m just glad you’re okay.”

Troy looks over at me as I check his vitals and write them down on his chart. “Can you find out how that kid is doing?”

“Yeah,” I say lying. I know in the pit of my stomach the kid who died is the one Troy pulled out. “I’m not sure if they brought him here, but I’ll see what I can find out.”

He smiles at me, and leans his head back into the pillow.

“You look beat, dude. I’m proud of you for today. I’ll let you rest and stop by later to check on you.” Abel says and pats his shoulder. As I exit the room, Abel is right behind me.

He grabs my arm and stops me before I go behind the nurses’ station. Immediately his touch sparks my body, but this time I pull away. After seeing the way he reacted with Ben, I’m definitely not going to let myself get involved. I can see all of the characteristics in him that I’m desperate to avoid in a relationship. I need a man like Ben -- sweet, thoughtful, and considerate. Not this brute who sweeps in like he has some caveman claim over me when I’ve made it clear I’m not his.

“Are you okay?” he asks.

I nod my head and rub my forehead feeling a headache come on.

“Listen, I’m sorry again for earlier,” he says.

I put my hand up to stop him. “Walk with me?” I ask.

His eyes light up at my request and we leave the ER. We head outside, into another warm day, and I love the early summer weather. “I don’t know how to tell Troy this, but I think the kid he pulled out of the fire earlier is the patient I lost.”

“Oh shit, Cara, it was a kid?”

“Yeah. Why do you think I was so upset? I worked on him for forty fucking minutes, Abel.”

He grabs me tightly and pulls me into his large body. I melt into him, unable to push him away. I can’t fight what I know is wrong. Under the soot smell, I can still smell his scent that I love; it’s so fresh that as I breathe in it tickles my nose. His chest is hard as a rock as he holds me. Tears gloss over my eyes and I don’t know why -- I never cry.

“Don’t worry about Troy. I’ll tell him, okay?”

I nod my head and I feel his lips press against my hair. Another ambulance pulls up and Jamie runs out of the ER. She looks over at us and yells to me, “Cara, I need you on this. I paged Ron, but it’s just us for now.”

Abel releases me and gently pushes me in the direction of the ambulance. I run towards the patient who is being pulled out of the back, although my body is screaming at me to stay put in his arms, where I feel safe and secure.