With my head in my hands, I just don’t know what to do. I’ve been up for half of the night trying to decide between Bain and Nate. The problem is that both of them are so amazing and I love them both so much that the decision is agonizing.

Aubrey finally wakes up, walking into the living room with a messy mound of her brown hair piled on top of her head. “Morning,” she says.

“Hi.” I roll over and pull my feet up so she can sit next to my feet.

“How did you sleep?”

I can’t help but laugh. “I didn’t.”

“Damn, I’m sorry, girl. Did you talk to Bain?”

“Yeah. Finally, this morning he called.”

“And?”

“He’s not good, at all.”

“I can imagine. I hate to say it, but you really need to make a decision. I mean, what’s the point of waiting any longer?”

“I know I need to, but saying it and doing it are two totally different things.”

“I know. Let’s talk about things.”

“I really don’t think I want to right now,” I tell her being completely honest. I’m tired from not sleeping and am not sure my brain can function enough to make such a life affecting decision.

“Well, tough shit, you need to. You’re the one that has to make this decision, no one else. You can’t leave these two hanging like you have. Especially if Bain isn’t doing well.”

I tilt my head back and stare at the ceiling, thinking of her question. My heart aches for both Nate and Bain, and I know as much as I keep making excuses for not deciding, I need to. Being in Nate’s arms was so comforting, it was everything I used to have with him. From the way he held me, to how he looked in my eyes.

But then there is Bain and the fire he puts inside of me is something on an entire different level. I melt at the pure sight of him and that’s not to mention what his touch does to me.

“So what does your gut tell you right off the bat?” she asks me.

“I love them both, I really do. But I love them in different ways. I waited for Nate for almost a year and during that time I ached for him. Every ounce of who I was needed him. He never came back to me. Then Bain emerged into my life and I fought my feelings for him with all of my might. But everything about Bain is powerful, and I failed, succumbing to him and everything that he is.”

“I don’t think you can ever love two people the same. Even parents, they love their children differently. I mean, look at me and my sister, for instance. Polar opposites.”

“The problem is, I do love them both.”

“Who do you see your future with?”

“I had everything planned out with Nate. He asked me to marry him, we talked about kids and how we wanted to grow old together. With Bain, I don’t know what he wants. We haven’t talked about those sort of things.”

“Arion, does any of that really matter, or is this about taking each day as they come and being happy while you do it? What’s meant to be will be. I mean, who cares what you’ve talked about, because God can rip it all away at any moment and there is nothing you can do.”

“You’re right. This is about whom I wholeheartedly love. Regardless of the past, or the future. I think I know what I need to do.”

“Good, you know I support you regardless of your decision.”

“I know. Would you mind if I had Nate come over here? So we could have some privacy? I’m sure his mom is home and I want to talk to him without anyone lurking.”

“Of course you can. I’m actually headed to the gym.”

Aubrey walks off and I dial Nate’s house number. It rings a few times, then he answers. “Hey, how are you?” I ask him.

“I’m better now. Is this for real, are you really calling here?”

“Oh stop it, Nate. Listen, I need to see you, can you come over to Aubrey’s?”

“Of course I can. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, it is.”

We hang up and I give Aubrey a hug on her way out. She asks what my decision is. I knew it would be too long for her to wait without knowing who I’ve chosen. She looks at me with genuine happiness in her eyes and says, “Stay strong, A.”

“I will.”

I know it won’t take Nate long to get here, so I do the best that I can and pull myself together. Then as I finish brushing my teeth, I hear a knock on the door. Right away, my stomach goes into my throat.

I head towards it and as I stare at the white paint, I exhale and pray what I am doing is right. Nate knocks again, clearly impatient. I open it and look into his eyes.

So bright and clear, messy hair and rough face, even skinny, he can take my breath away. He really is beautiful and will make someone happy, unfortunately I love Bain so much and because of that, it won’t be me. I hold back the tears, knowing what I have to do, and put on a fake smile for him. You can do this, A.

“Hi,” he says, with a smile and sparkling eyes.

“Hi,” I say, barely choking out the word. I welcome him in and then hug him, wondering if one more embrace will help anything at all. Maybe it will change my feelings? But as he gently holds me back, I know we can both tell it’s not the same as it used to be.

I guess it’s because we’re both so different now. He smells like Nate, a scent I dreamed about for a long time, but even smelling that scent again doesn’t compare to the ravishing yearning I have inside of me for Bain. He does something different to me. I wish I would have seen that sooner and wouldn’t have run away like I did.

“Come in,” I tell him stepping out of the way. I feel bad seeing the back of him and how you can tell that part of his leg is missing. As I close the door and turn to him, I lead us to the couch. “Let’s sit,” I tell him.

“How are you?” he asks, following me.

We both sit down and look at one another; it is so strange to be staring at him again. A million different emotions flow through me and I can’t help but cry. I’m not sure if I can let him go. After all of the nights I cried myself to sleep praying for a miracle, and here he is. Wiping the tears away with the backs of my hands, I look at him. He has his hands in his lap and is just watching me, I can see there is a glimmer of hope that exudes from within him and he finally says, “Come here.” Opening his arms to me, I scoot over, not able to fight his request and let myself indulge in Nate one last time. Yeah, it might seem selfish, but it’s what I feel I need to do. The second he embraces me, I cling to him, holding him tightly back. He soothes me by rubbing my back.

“I don’t even know what to say,” I tell him, afraid to start the conversation and let him down.

“You don’t need to say anything, A. That’s the beauty of our relationship. I am perfectly content just having you in my arms.” His assumption that we still have a relationship catches me off guard. Maybe it’s because I called him over here, but whatever it is, I am not sure I like it. He knows that I am with Bain.

I slightly pull away, feeling guilty for being so close to him. “Are you okay?” he asks. “You seem different than the other day.”

“I’m fine, Nate, I really am. I’m worried about Bain, that’s all.”

“Did something happen?”

“Not really, he just didn’t sound like himself when we talked this morning.”

“I’m sure he’s not. He’s gotta feel a lot like I do.”

“Which is?”

“Lost. Alone. Sad.”

I look away from him, hating knowing that my actions are responsible for doing this to not one, but two people. “Don’t beat yourself up, A. It’s not your fault that you’re so amazing and we both love you.”

“I’m not beating myself up,” I snap, angry that he can read me so well.

“I know you, Arion. I know you almost better than anyone. You can’t lie to me.”

In my mind, Bain consumes me. He is all that I’m thinking about and it is clouding my thoughts, making me know what I have to do.

“I’m sorry, Nate.”

“Sorry for what? You haven’t done anything wrong.”

“I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you and that I haven’t been.”

“It’s fine, A, things happen. It was crazy of me to think someone as amazing as you would have stuck around and waited for me.”

“I did, Nate. I waited for months and months. Bain and I were just friends and then it turned into more. I didn’t plan on this happening.”

“I know you didn’t. It’s just a lot to deal with. Coming home and not having your partner and then finding out she’s moved on with some millionaire basketball star.”

I don’t even know where to go with this conversation. Do I sit here and try to justify my relationship with Bain or who he really is? I don’t want to share anything personal about him, to say that we connected over our grief, with the death of his sister and me thinking Nate was gone, but we did. And Bain is so much more than the fame that shines down on him.

“I don’t know what to say, Nate,” is all that I get out.

“Come on, A, I know you better than that. Just talk to me.”

“Nate, if you want me to be honest with you, Bain consumes every part of my life. I’m sorry.”

Nate surprises me; my comment doesn’t seem to hurt him at all. He looks at me and says, “Don’t be sorry. Talk about Bain. Arion, I’ve had a lot of time to think about things. I’d be lying if I told you in the back of my mind I wasn’t surprised that you moved on. Still it doesn’t make it any easier, but it’s the truth and that’s all I want between us – the truth.”

Hearing him say that’s all he wants from me pushes me to do what I know I have to. My heart is with Bain, it has been since the moment I laid eyes on him and acted like he did nothing to me. My future is with Bain as well. Yeah, it might be a little more uncertain than what Nate and I had planned, but it’s what I want. “If you want me to be honest with you, my heart is with Bain.”

He leans back and looks at my expression, like I am joking. “Arion, please. Please don’t do this.”

“Nate, I’m sorry, trust me,” I say doing my best to hold back the tears. “I’m not saying I don’t love you, because I do and some part of me always will. But what I have with Bain is different, the hold he has over me is something I’ve never known.”

“I can give you that too. I can give you anything you want. You said it yourself that you still love me. Let’s at least give this a try.”

Taking my hands, I remove his from around me and look him straight in the eyes. “I’m sorry, Nate, so sorry.”

He places his hands on his thighs and looks up to the ceiling, exhaling.

“Is it because of my leg?”

“What? No, come on, you know me better than that. My heart wants what it wants. I’ll always be here for you, if you ever need anything. I know you have a tough road ahead of you.”

He laughs sarcastically and looks at me, “Yeah, okay, A. I need all of you. Not just you as my friend. Don’t you see that?”

Tears roll down my cheeks, looking him in the eye. I never dreamt of this in a million years. What I pictured was God giving him back to me and us riding off into the sunset together. Now here I sit, a monster. Only a horrible person would do such a thing, wouldn’t they?

“Isn’t there anything I can do?” he asks.

As much as I wish there was, there isn’t. Painfully, I shake my head at him, tears running down my face. He grabs his crutches getting off of the couch.

“I don’t want to say this, but…clearly, I don’t have a place in your life anymore, and with how badly my heart and body ache for you, we can’t be friends, A.”

I stand and hug him one last time, knowing now that this is really goodbye. Even though this is what I want, I can’t stop the tears as they stream down my cheeks. I try to calm myself hoping being in his arms again will…but it doesn’t.

Nate cries too as he holds on to me and it kills me to see him so upset, especially after what he has been through. It’s the last thing that I want.

With my heart making my decisions today, I know what I did was right. I need Bain, he would make everything better right now. Damn myself for leaving him. Pulling away from Nate, he looks into my eyes and nods his head, then turns his back on me. The second our flesh disconnects, it’s as if that’s the true end for us. In this instant, everything that we were, we are no longer.

Although, I’ve lived this last year wanting nothing more than to have one more moment with him, he’s not who I’m meant to be with. Bain is.

“Arion, I’ll always love you. Please remember that.” I nod my head, watching him walk away. How does someone hurt another person of this caliber? He reaches for the door handle and I open my mouth to speak. He shakes his head. “It’s okay, A. You don’t need to say anything. I’m really not in any shape to take care of you the way Bain can anyway. Be with him, be happy, and as long as he is good to you…that’s what matters. Goodbye, Arion.”

I sit stunned, barely able to comprehend the compassion that he has shown me. How? Why? I really can’t understand it. He went from arguing with me that we could make this work one second to telling me that he can’t take care of me the next. If it were me, and Bain was leaving me, I would fight to the death. As the front door closes behind him, I feel like I can finally breathe.

Right away I call Bain, but it goes straight to voicemail. I’m sure he’s at practice. I shoot him a text instead, so excited to get back home to New York. Baby, I made my decision. Please call me, I can’t wait to be in your arms. I love you.

Traffic was a bitch, but when is it not? As I put the car in park, I really can’t fathom why I ever left here. I could have done all of the thinking I needed to just like Bain had asked of me right here. Checking the clock, Bain should be home from practice any time. It’s Friday and they always have short days. I call him again in hopes that he is driving home, but still no answer.

Getting out of the car, I grab my backpack, rushing as fast as I can to the elevator and up to our floor. My stomach is a mix of butterflies and emotion. I can’t wait to see Bain. God, I can’t wait. As I exit the chilly elevator, and walk down the hallway, I see our door and practically want to run to it. Jesus, it feels so good to be home.

My key fits right in and I head inside, hopeful that Bain might already home. The second I step inside, I freeze. The door shuts behind me and I’m not sure if I want to go any further. What the fuck happened?

The house is trashed. I can’t even put into words the picture before me. Everything is everywhere. It looks like the place has been ransacked. But as I start to put the pieces together, I know that’s not the case. Bain’s clothes are on the floor, along with a picture of me. There are other broken pictures and decorations, and on the coffee table is an empty bottle of our Highland Park whiskey, and when I see what is next to it I want to collapse. A pill bottle.

Dropping to my knees, I grab it. The label says Percocet – quantity 30. I open it and glance inside, there are far from 30 pills in here. I check the date and see it is from yesterday, so I count how many are left and know right away when there are eleven that Bain has fallen off the wagon. Fuck, this is all my fault!

I search the house looking for him, worried that he is passed out somewhere from so much alcohol and the pills, but only find his cell phone lying on our bed. I can tell it hasn’t been slept in since I made it.

I’m starting to panic surrounded by all of this craziness. The room begins to spin and I know I have to stop the panic attack before it starts. I drop to my knees right where I am and put my head between my legs, breathing as many deep and heavy breaths as I can manage.

Don’t pass out. Don’t pass out. Then I force myself to crawl to my backpack to retrieve my pills. It will calm me right down and let me focus on what the fuck to do. I swallow the pill and sit, focusing on not fainting. Everything is going to be all right.

Thinking about what to do, I decide to call James. If anyone has tabs on Bain, it’s him. I dial him and sit with my back against the wall.