Pulling into the station, there are a few cars already here, including Troy’s jeep and Matt’s car. I park and hop out grabbing my bag. There is a breeze in the air and the flag is flying at half-staff. As much as I love my job, I hope I never die in a fire. I couldn’t imagine being burned alive. I shake off the fear and walk in. The guys are quietly standing around chatting, I assume waiting for my order.

I introduce myself and learn who the other guys are and where they are helping out from. I notice that the truck and ambulance are filthy. Immediately I assign a group to pull them out and wash them. Troy follows me upstairs with another guy and I give them both assignments as well.

I set my bag down and get to work calling Tom, letting him know that we’re here. I’m not sure what his expectations are for me covering, but I’m ready to find out. I want to keep myself distracted, and this is the time to do just that. While I talk to Tom, I shoot Vincent a quick e-mail apologizing for hanging up on him this morning.

Tom informs me that I’ll be here for at least two weeks. He would like me to work them straight through, and inside I’m relieved to have the excuse that will help me avoid what’s on my mind. I can tell right away that the guys are hard workers and the other stations sent me their best. Thankful that I didn’t get the lazy bad seeds, I join them out front with cleaning the trucks.

Troy yells out to me that I have a phone call. “Who is it?” I ask.

“Your brother.”

I’m relieved to hear it’s not Cara and I go in to take the call. “What’s up, dude?” I say, drying my hands.

“Hey, I just wanted to check on you. Are you doing okay?”

“I don’t know. I’m just trying to stay busy. Have you talked to Lex? Is Cara okay?”

“Yeah, they’re both good. She called the doctor and got some anti-nausea medicine for Cara. She’s stopped throwing up, but she won’t eat.”

“Damn it. I shouldn’t have asked. I can’t do this right now, Vince. I appreciate you calling and all, but I need to focus on work. I’m really sorry. You have the number here. Call me if you need anything. Tom said I’ll be here for at least two weeks.”

“I understand. Hang in there, buddy.”

“Thanks,” I say hanging up.

* * *

I wake again from yet another nightmare; it’s the same one I’ve been having. I walk to the kitchen and grab a bottle of water. I’ve been at the station for almost a week and I need to get away. I slide on my jeans and a t-shirt, texting Troy as I sneak out. I don’t know where I’m headed, but I need to clear my mind, so I just drive, trying to focus on the road ahead of me. It’s so early that there isn’t any traffic.

I keep driving, unsure of my destination, that is, until I come up on a familiar area and automatically slow my truck. I begin to count, one…two…three…four…five…and I turn. There she is, and I slam on my brakes. Why I am here, God only knows. Looking over at the rows and rows of tombstones, my mother’s sticks out to me like a lighthouse in the ocean.

I hesitantly open the door and step down to the ground. As my boots hit the pavement, I realize it’s a cool crisp morning. I hadn’t noticed earlier, so I grab a hoodie out of the back and walk over to the beautiful, black marble, heart-shaped stone. It is etched just as I remember it from the last time I was here.

I kiss the top of the cold stone, feeling a sting on my lips when they touch the cool granite, and I plop to the ground, completely defeated, lost, unsure, angry, and scared. Looking up to the cloudy sky, I close my eyes and start to talk to my mom.

Mom, I wish you were here to help me with this. I would give anything to talk to you again. I don’t even know what to say. I take a breath and pull the hood up on my sweatshirt. I tuck my hands into the pockets and speak again. I have a girlfriend. Or at least I did until last week. I fucked up again, and she’s pregnant. It’s not something that either of us planned and I don’t know what to do. I open my eyes and focus on the cracks in the cement. Anyways, I know you can’t speak to me, but if you could guide me and show me, I promise I’ll listen. I know I don’t know the first thing about kids, but please don’t take them from me. Not like what happened with Abigail. I don’t think I can survive that again. Besides, things with Cara are different. I love her, I really do.

I take my sleeve and wipe my eyes. Please just give me a sign. I’ll do anything. Standing up, I kiss her tombstone again and say goodbye. Walking away from where my mom rests peacefully, I feel a calmness and hold onto that feeling hoping it will stick with me.