“You coming with us to Cameron’s?” Guy asks me.

“Nah, man, I don’t think so. I don’t want to barge in on your day.”

“You’re not barging in. Luke invited you.”

“You sure, bro?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Well, all right, you have her address?”

“Yo, Cam?” Guy shouts across the parking lot to her as she and Luke are exiting the building together, laughing and walking all close.

“Yeah, what’s up?”

“What’s your address? I invited Nixon to the barbecue.”

She rolls her eyes and I really don’t want to go now. “You know what? I’ve got some other stuff to do. You guys have fun. I’ll text you if I can make it.”

“Come on, dude, it’s cool,” he says.

Cam and Luke walk up to us, and Guy adds in, “Nixon, why don’t you drive Cameron back to her place? I’ve gotta go pick up Macey, and Luke has to run by his parents’, right, Luke?”

Cameron looks at them both shocked. “Are you guys for real?” she snorts.

“What’s the big deal?” Guy asks.

“You know what the big deal is.” Right then, I’m aware that she’s told them we used to date. He must be pushing me to drive her, so we can work past our issues, which I don’t think is a bad idea. I don’t want to fight with her. I want everything to be chill.

“Come on, let me drive you. I won’t even speak, if you don’t want me to.”

She looks at me, then the guys, contemplating what to do. Luke gives her a smile, like he’s giving her his permission to come with me, and I roll my eyes as she says, “Not a fucking word.” I show her my patented grin as we say goodbye and then get in my truck. Sitting next to her, she is so different than she used to be. She’s fucking strong-willed and knows exactly what she wants and is not afraid to say it. Maybe me leaving her made her that way. As she puts on her seatbelt I ask her, “Where do you live?”

“Beachside, in Jupiter.”

“Really? Me too,” I tell her, starting my truck. She ignores me and I back out, heading east. Cameron has her hands in her lap and is looking out the window. I can’t see her face, and it’s fucking annoying how she ignores me, like I don’t exist. The silence in the car is making me want a nap. Turning on the stereo, I look to get any reaction out of her, but get none, and finally say to her, “Come on, you can’t ignore my charm forever,” hoping to get her to open up. She turns towards me, tears in her eyes. As I gaze over at her, she finally speaks, “Why? Because you want me to?”

“No, because this isn’t a healthy way to live.”

“And you think the way you’re living is healthy?” she asks me.

“This isn’t about me,” I tell her.

“But it is, Nixon, it’s all about you.”

“Cam, I’m fine, it’s you I’m worried about.”

“Don’t act like you care about me,” she says, wiping her eyes dry.

“You know I care about you.”

“That’s bullshit, Nixon. You don’t care about anyone but yourself. Do you not remember what you did to me?”

“I didn’t have another choice.”

“You still believe that?”

“Yes, I sent you a letter and told you what happened to five guys in my graduating class the week we got out there.”

“I know, I got it and I was so grateful that it wasn’t you or Conner that were killed, but leaving me was just as hard.” I hate that I hurt her; I can still see the pain in her eyes now. “Now that you’re done with the Navy and nothing bad happened to you, is that still what you believe?”

“Yeah.” I’m not honest in my answer, but there’s no going back now. I’m too fucked up. Too much shit has happened to make this right. She’ll never look at me the same way again and nothing can ever change that.

“Okay, this obviously isn’t going to work. You need to put in for a transfer.”

“Why? Because I left you? I did you a fucking favor. Don’t you see that?”

“No, Nixon, you broke my fucking heart. You promised me a future and then took it away like you had the power to decide for both of us.”

“I never promised you anything. I told you, I didn’t want you waiting around for me or to end up going through what my mom did.”

“Listen to yourself! You’ve brainwashed yourself into forgetting the past, into forgetting what we were. Do you not remember all the things we used to talk about? Did you think I was too weak and couldn’t handle it?”

“I knew you could handle it…but it wasn’t fair for me to ask you to. I was following my heart, it was what I was meant to do. But it just didn’t work out how I’d planned.”

“So what, are you saying you regret it now?”

“I have too many regrets in life, leaving being just one of them.”

“Must really suck to be you, then.”

“You have no fucking idea, but we both know that me leaving was the best thing that’s happened to you.”

“Don’t act like you did me a solid.”

“I did and you know it deep down.”

“Fuck you, Nixon. You need to stop saying that and take some accountability for your actions.”

“Think about things. You’ve done really well for yourself without me. You have a sweet job and solid friends. You’ve changed a lot, I can see that, and…” I trail off, not really sure how to express what I’m feeling.

“And what?”

And nothing. I’m not going to tell her what I’m really thinking or acknowledge what seeing her again is doing to me. It’s for the best, and one day she’ll understand that.

She’s silent the rest of the drive. We leave the conversation as is—unfinished.

“This is it,” Cameron says as I park on the street in front of her condo. I go to get out and she says, “I really want you to put in for a transfer.”

“Okay, okay, I’ll talk to Mack.” She looks at me, stunned by my response. I mean, I’ll ask him about other opportunities the next time I see him, but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to transfer.

As we get out of my truck, I hear the water crashing against the shore. She’s the same way I am with her love of the ocean.

“You still surf?” I ask her.

“Yeah.”

Following her upstairs, my eyes are on her ass. It hasn’t changed one bit; her shorts are so tight and hug it perfectly. Reaching for it, I grab a handful of each cheek with both hands and squeeze hard—her butt was always my favorite. She whips around and hits my arms. “What the fuck, Nix?”

“Sorry, I literally couldn’t help myself.”

“Well, don’t let that shit happen again.”

She opens the door to her condo and it looks how I imagined. There is a loud chime ringing, and she runs to her laptop and turns it on. “Conner?” she calls out and I look at the screen as his familiar face comes into view.

“Hey sis! Did I catch you at an okay time?”

“Always!” She sits right down and I observe the way her face lights up. They are still as close as they were the day we left. Another regret, I live with.

As they talk, I find myself inching closer and closer to her and then kneel next to her chair as I look at Conner’s face closely on the screen. It feels like forever since I’ve seen him and I’ve only been gone seven months. “Nixon?” he quizzically asks.

“What’s up, bro?”

“Holy shit, how are you?”

“I’m good, brother. Loving being home.”

“What are you doing with Cam? You guys aren’t back together, are you?” he asks, confused.

“No way!” she blurts out, and I tell him, “It’s a long story. I’m in the Coast Guard now and somehow got stationed with her.”

He nods and looks between the two of us. “God, it’s so good to see you guys together.”

“We aren’t together,” Cameron reiterates.

“Come on, you know what I mean; it’s good to see both my favorite people at once.” The three of us get lost in a whirlwind of conversation, from flashbacks to the good old days, to how things are currently. Talking with the both of them makes me briefly forget about the pain, about all the bad shit I did and saw when I was a SEAL. Time passes quickly and then suddenly the feed goes out and the screen turns black. Cameron frantically moves her finger over the mouse back and forth. Then checks the power cord.

“Conner, can you still hear us?”

He doesn’t respond. “Shit, we must’ve lost him,” I tell her.

“Yeah, I guess so,” she says dismally, sitting there staring at the screen, saddened that he’s gone. Seeing the disappointment on her sends a twinge of remorse through me. I shouldn’t have let him go. I should’ve made him stay to protect her. Instead, being selfish, thinking I needed a friend to get me through the Navy, I took him with me. I was so young and that was just one of the many mistakes I made. One on the list of many. All for what? Hurting those closest to me and not even being a SEAL at the end of it all?