Seventeen

Jake crawled into the big bed he’d shared with his wife since having it specially built for her. After the last few days of family bedlam, their big log home was finally quiet. Tonight, he and Randy were completely alone, and Jake enjoyed the sound of only the ticking grandfather clock downstairs.

Up here in their loft bedroom, it sometimes seemed as though the rest of the world didn’t even exist, and sometimes he wished it didn’t. Then there wouldn’t be anything or anyone left to try to steal this moment, lying here in bed with his beautiful wife in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains—all his enemies dead or in prison—and with nothing more to do than watch Randy sleep…listen to her breathe. She looked beautiful by the dim light of a small lamp they kept on in the adjoining washroom. Since last winter, she’d insisted on light in the bedroom, and again he’d obliged her in the hopes it would help take away some of her fears.

He’d slipped out of bed to wash because he’d not had the chance until now. Randy was tired and went to bed early, insisting, as always, that he come to bed too, because she couldn’t go to sleep without his arms around her. Before settling in beside her again, he reached into the drawer in the small table beside the bed and pulled out a stick of peppermint, putting one end in his mouth. He moved in beside her, pulling the covers over them. She lay facing him, and he leaned close and tapped her lips with the peppermint. He forced himself to ignore the lingering pain in his side. He wanted his wife back, and she’d told him what would help. Maybe now, when she was sleepy and relaxed, was a better time.

Randy stirred and put her fingers to her lips to wipe away whatever had touched them. Jake touched her lips again, and she stirred again, this time coming fully awake. She stretched and opened her eyes.

“Jake, what are you doing?”

“Watching my wife sleep, and she’s so beautiful I decided I wanted to wake her up and make love.”

Randy frowned and moved back a little. “You got out the peppermint?”

“You know what that means.”

She took a moment to get her bearings. “Jake, what time is it?”

“I have no idea. Midnight, maybe.”

“You’re still injured.”

He took the peppermint from his lips and traced the other end over hers. “What I have in mind won’t take much effort on my part. I’ll manage.”

Randy ran her fingers through her hair. “What on earth? Jake, I need a bath.”

“You don’t need one.” He pulled her close and nuzzled her hair. “I just took my own bath. I sure love the fact that we have hot water now, right out of a faucet.”

“You smell good.”

“That was my intention.”

She kissed his neck. “Jake, we haven’t even talked about this. You’re still healing.”

“Since when do we schedule our lovemaking? It’s always been spontaneous.” He tapped the peppermint against her lips again. “And beautiful. And, little lady, we did talk about making love, back in Boulder before we left.”

“Honestly, Jake—”

“I told you I bathed. In fact, I washed up extra good, so it will be nice for you. Do you know what I’m telling you?”

Randy licked at the peppermint sleepily, not answering right away. She suddenly gasped. “Oh my!”

Jake took the other end of the peppermint into his mouth again, and they both bit off pieces until their lips met, a ritual they’d practiced before making love since their early years of marriage. Jake studied her eyes, watching for any sign of horror or fear. He kissed her, lightly at first, then deeper, licking her lips as he held her face between his hands. “You all right?”

Randy grasped his wrist. “I…don’t know.”

“Then we won’t do anything at all.” He kissed her eyes. “I just thought that if this is what you need, what better time than in the still of the darkness with just us here in our own bed. This is me, Randy. I want to do this with you and for you—but not to you. Not in a way that brings back anything ugly. And I didn’t think it should be planned, because then you’d think about it and get all nervous—”

She put her fingers to his lips and moved closer to his ear. “What if I don’t do it right?” she whispered.

He forced back a grin. This was a time when he would normally smile and tease her, but he sensed she could take it wrong. Everything he did and said now could either bring her back or chase her farther away. “You’ll be fine.”

“I’m scared.”

“Then we won’t do it. I’ve never asked you, Randy, and in your beautiful innocence, you’ve never offered, and that’s part of what I’ve loved about you. It wasn’t easy for you to let me be as intimate with you as we are now, but that’s me on you. This is different, so you decide. I think I understand why you wanted to do this.” He kissed her again, running a hand up under her flannel gown, massaging her back as he moved his lips to her throat. “It’s okay.” He felt her shiver.

“You have to help me.”

“Baby, you’ll figure it out.”

“Keep touching me.”

He moved his hand around to the front of her gown, underneath, gently caressing her breasts while he scooted farther up, staying on his right side to favor his still-bandaged wound. He refused to give any thought to his lingering pain. She needed this, and he’d damn well do what he could to bring her back.

He carefully touched her in the right places to arouse her as he kissed her over and over, moving his tongue gently into her mouth suggestively. He worked his fingers over the soft mound that he could tell was slightly swelling in response, and continued kissing her before moving his lips to her ear. “I want this, too, Randy, but only if you do. It’s okay to say no.”

She ran her fingers into his hair as they kissed again. “I’m just scared.”

He took his hand from under her gown and wound his fingers into her hair. “Don’t be. This is me, remember? We can do anything we want, anything you want.”

He could feel her trembling as she moved her lips to his neck, his throat. He kept a tight grasp of her hair as she began kissing her way down his chest, over his abdomen. Then she hesitated.

“Jake, help me.”

“Just make love to me, baby. Do what comes naturally. It can be beautiful, just like you said you wanted it to be.” He kept hold of her hair as she gently took hold of his penis and stroked it into full arousal, then kissed the end of it. He’d always known if she ever did this how much he’d love it, but he’d never said it. It had to be her idea. He groaned with pleasure as she put her hand around him fully and caressed his throbbing shaft up and down while also kissing it…then licking it.

“Jake—”

“Just let it happen, baby.” He felt her lips come around him, and he gently guided himself into her mouth, letting her do the rest. He struggled to dismiss the image of the filthy men who’d forced such a thing on this beautiful, delicate woman. Their cruelty had made it so painful that she had been left bruised everywhere and close to death. To think how shy and inhibited she was about it with her own husband brought fury to his blood, but he forced back any dark emotions that might spoil the moment.

Enjoy it, he told himself. She wants you to enjoy it. She wants to be the one to give you pleasure. He had to be careful. If he got caught up in the anger he still felt over what had happened, she’d feel it. She’d back away, and he’d lose her again.

He closed his eyes and let her take in as much of him as she chose. Even just a little was enough to bring an erotic pleasure far more intense than he’d anticipated. He couldn’t help the sheer thrill of it. He clung to her hair, and she took in more of him, as deeply as she could manage. She’d said she wanted him to take his pleasure for once in something she did to him, and he damn well wasn’t having any trouble doing that.

“God, Randy, it’s beautiful,” he groaned.

She shivered again, running her tongue over him as she pulled up and down with her lips, clinging to his free hand the entire time. The ecstasy was so intense he knew he would have to release soon.

“Randy, I can pull out before I come.”

She squeezed his hand with surprising strength, as though to tell him this way was all right. She made a strange little whimpering sound, and he couldn’t tell if it was from terror or pleasure, but now he was too lost in the moment to decide. He reminded her again she could stop, but she moved over him beautifully. He hung on as long as possible, but the sheer ecstasy of it brought forth a pulsating climax.

He really hadn’t planned for this part, because he knew what those men had done, forcing her to swallow their filth. She let out an odd groan and kept pulling at him until he finished. Jake grabbed a small towel he’d brought to bed in case this happened and eased himself out of her, handing her the cloth.

“Spit it out, Randy.”

She shook her head, saying nothing. She swallowed first, then took the towel with shaking hands and wiped at her lips. “I…wanted it this way,” she said in a near whisper, shivering. “I needed it to be you I…tasted.” She broke into tears.

Damn it! Jake scooted down and pulled her close, nuzzling her neck, finding her mouth, tasting his own life as he kissed her with groaning pleasure. This was the most he’d wanted her in a long time. He ran his tongue into her mouth. She’d chosen to let him take away the ugly by doing the very thing that had horrified her with those men. He held her close and kissed her hair again. “Jesus, don’t cry, Randy. Don’t slip away from me again. Tell me you’re all right. You told me it was what you wanted.”

“I know.” She moved her arms around him and kissed his chest. “Thank you, Jake.”

He couldn’t help a smile of relief. “I think I’m the one who should be thanking you.” He scooted down enough to meet her mouth again, kissing her gently. “That was the most beautiful thing we’ve ever done.”

She used the towel to wipe at her nose and eyes. “I hoped it would be. I didn’t hate it, because it was you.” She kissed his neck as Jake softly caressed her breasts. “Jake, I had to do that. I couldn’t let those awful men…be the first…and the last. This is the only way I can live with it. I couldn’t let…that ugly thing…be something…I never even did…with my own husband.” She leaned up and met his lips again in a heated kiss, then ran her fingers into his hair.

“Tell me it wasn’t ugly this time,” he groaned.

“No. I knew you would make it nice. Every way and every place you touch me is always beautiful because… I mean…Jake, sometimes you do the most sinful things with me, and yet I feel like it’s because you love me so much, so it’s always right.” Another kiss.

“Of course it’s always right. You’re my wife. What you just did was right because I’m your husband. You remember that every time I touch you. And right now I very much want to make love to you again, but my side is killing me.”

“Oh, Jake! I—it was so nice I forgot about your pain.”

“It’s okay.” He settled onto his back, and she snuggled against him. “It was most certainly worth it,” he added. “I’ll live.”

They lay there quietly for several seconds. “I can’t tell you how much that helped,” Randy finally told him. “Thank you for finally listening to me. I know you thought that was the worst thing we could do, and in those first few weeks it probably was. But the more I thought about it…the more I realized that’s what I needed.” She wiped at tears again. “And don’t try to tell me you’ve never done that before, the way you used to live.”

He grinned into the darkness. “I was young and wild then.” He kissed her hair. “It’s different with you.”

She grasped his hand and kissed his fingers, still resting her head on his shoulder. “And now I own you the same way you own me. Now we’ve shared each other completely.” She scooted up and kissed his cheek. “And you’re the nicest man on the face of the earth.”

Jake burst into laughter. “Oh my God, a whole lot of people would argue that one! The most common adjectives I get are ‘mean sonofabitch’ and ‘bastard.’ Probably from just about everyone but my family, and there are times when even they would disagree, including you!”

Randy laughed. “I guess I should admit there have been times…”

Jake thought how wonderful her laughter sounded.

Randy sat up slightly, leaning over him. “And you’re only mean to people who deserve it.” She traced a finger over his lips. “But not with me. Never with me. You’re always so careful and kind and devoted and gentle with me when we make love. Other people don’t know how incredibly good you can be.”

He reached up and ran the back of his fingers over her cheek. What he saw now was a mixture of the childish, clingy woman he’d lived with the past several months, and a definite spark of the old Randy. “You sure you’re all right? No lies and no pretending, Randy. That’s what led to us feeling like strangers. And if you never want to do this again, it’s okay. I never want to feel far away from you, and if you feel that happening, you have to tell me.”

“I will. And I’m not saying I’ll never want to do that again. It was nicer than I thought it would be because I love you and you’re a beautiful man. Just promise me we’ll never be far apart again, Jake. I don’t mean in spirit and love. I just don’t want you to take any jobs like when you were a marshal, when you left for days and weeks at a time. I waited in terror all the time that you’d not make it back. I lived for that whistle you gave when you were coming into town and I knew you were all right. My heart would just burst. When I saw you lying in the street in Boulder, I was so scared my worst nightmare had become real. You don’t know how many times I’ve thought about it. That you would die that way, with me watching.”

“Randy, don’t. We’re here in our own bed. It’s quiet, we’re safe on the J&L and I’m right here beside you and I’m just fine. And I promise I won’t go far away again and leave you alone. But you have to promise me that you will keep eating right and get some meat back on those bones.”

“I promise.” She sat up straight. “In fact—guess what?”

“What?”

“I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.”

“Hungry? Now?”

“Yes.”

“Then let’s go downstairs and eat something. There’s no law that says we can’t eat in the middle of the night, and some of that great bread you bake is still sitting on the table.”

She leaned down and kissed him again. “I obviously need to rinse out my mouth first.”

“Was it bad?”

“No. It was actually kind of sweet.”

He grinned. “Considering the source, I’m surprised.”

She laughed again. He’d never heard such a good sound in his life. He rolled her over and nuzzled her neck, laughing with her. “You may do that again any time you want, Mrs. Harkner.”

They kissed again. “Actually, Mr. Harkner, now that I think about it, it’s one way I can be completely in control of the big, bad outlaw.”

“I think I’d rather be in control of you. It doesn’t seem right, the woman being in charge.”

“We’ll see about that. But I do have to say…I love it when you’re in control, and I’ll be glad when you feel good enough to do things my favorite way.”

“How’s that?”

“You inside of me in a place that feels a lot better.”

They laughed together again, and she suddenly pushed him away and got out of bed. “Let me clean up a little and we’ll go eat.”

“Fine with me, but this is torture. I want you so bad right now I’m willing to risk breaking open this wound to make love to you.”

“Well, I don’t want to be responsible for injuring my husband.” Randy hurried into the washroom and closed the door.

Jake breathed a deep sigh of relief and rubbed at his eyes. She was hungry. That was a damn good sign, but he was afraid to set too much store by it. Right now, she’d never seemed closer to the old Randy he could joke with and make love to for sheer pleasure and desire and not out of duty. She’d needed all this time to heal.

He winced with renewed pain as he sat up and reached for his long johns. Maybe God did answer prayer, but this was probably an answer to Evie’s prayers for her mother, not his own. In spite of all of the long talks with his very beautiful, faithful, Christian daughter, he’d never believe God would for one minute give a damn about Jake Harkner. Never had, and never would.

He stood up and buttoned his long johns, then reached for a cigarette, realizing he was damn hungry himself.