Twenty-seven

Lloyd walked over to sit down in a velvet lounge across from Jake. He lit a cigarette, watching Jake’s dark eyes as he did so. “Sometimes you’re a hard man to read, Pa. You want to talk about whatever it is that’s put you in a mood?”

Jake put a foot up on one knee and leaned back in his chair, smoking. “Not especially.”

Lloyd took a deep drag on his cigarette, then leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. “Well, you are going to talk to me, so those women out there will quit nagging me. When you get like this, they get all over my shit to do something about it.”

That got a faint grin out of Jake.

Lloyd rubbed at his eyes. “You know, Pa, I’m thinking you made the right decision not to hang Brady Fillmore.”

Jake closed his eyes with a sigh. “I had no right asking you not to. I was acting on my own emotions, which were pretty high at the time. Normally it’d be the other way, though, and I’d have said to string the bastard up.”

Lloyd stared at a braided rug on the wide-plank wood floor. “You might as well tell me what’s wrong, Pa. Mom is really upset, and so is Evie—and that makes me upset. Ever since what happened last winter, you’ve had to be the strong one, but as brash as you are on the outside, we both know who the strong one really is. I’m proud of how you’ve been so damn tough for Mom, but I see you slipping backward. I saw it these last few months while you fought to be there for Mom. And now that she’s better, you’re going in the other direction. I haven’t seen you like this in a long time.”

Jake sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I’m just tired, Lloyd. I’m tired of all the bullshit. I’m tired of wrestling with bad memories and trying to forget them. And I’m tired of other people constantly reminding me of what a bastard I am and what a worthless sonofabitch I was the first thirty years of my life. I don’t need to be reminded. It is what it is.”

“And no one in this family cares. We’ve been through this before, Pa. What’s different this time?”

Jake snuffed out his cigarette and stared at the fireplace. “The boys, I guess. Little Jake wanted to hang that man.” He looked at Lloyd. “I know they’re learning to be men, but I don’t want them to think the answer to everything is violence. It comes naturally to me, because I was raised on violence, and you learned it because of me. I don’t want it to live on in those boys.”

He sighed and rose, walking to a window.

“Things are changing. The days of the outlaw are gone. We have electricity now, and probably soon a telephone. Men are running around in motorized buggies, and trains take our cattle into Denver. And we might have all gotten into trouble if we’d hanged Brady Fillmore, because now you have to have solid proof of what a man did wrong, and we didn’t really have that. The boys have to learn that’s how it’s done now. I’m damn lucky I got away with blowing Mike Holt’s brains out last summer. I could just as easily have been strung up for it. I don’t want any one of those boys to do something that will turn them into outlaws or send them to prison. I’ve been there too, and I came close to dying in that wretched place.”

“Pa, you know damn well those boys know what’s right and what’s wrong. You have to stop judging how they’ll turn out by how you were raised. It’s been nothing like that for them. They know about love and forgiveness. You never knew that till late in life.” Lloyd rose and faced him. “It’s hard for you to see the difference because of what your father did to you. Not many boys would have even survived that and come out of it sane.”

Their gazes held on the comment until Jake turned away. “We both know your mother is the only thing that has kept me on the right side of sanity.”

“And comparing your past to how those boys have been raised is like night and day, so stop worrying they’ll turn out wrong. They have the lessons you’ve taught them, and they have me and Brian to look to. And God knows nobody could teach them love more than Katie and Evie and Mom.”

Jake nodded. “Lloyd, I know you wanted to hang Brady Fillmore. I just want to make sure that from now on you remember this is a changing world. You might even have to deal with the government someday over free rangeland. I see it coming. I likely won’t be here when it comes, but those boys have to be prepared to fight a new way—maybe even go to college and learn about the law, learn how to deal with it like Peter Brown does.” He faced Lloyd again. “When Brady said those things about me, it hit me—I’m one of a dying breed. I’m sorry if I crossed you, but I saw those boys watching, and I knew Little Jake was kind of proud that his grampa is some kind of famous outlaw. He was expecting me to show how ruthless I can be, and I just couldn’t do it with those boys around. They’ve seen enough already.” He cleared his throat and swallowed, as though the words didn’t come easy. “And then there’s that…your mother. If she’d married someone like Peter Brown, just think of the nice life she would have had. What the hell was I thinking, marrying a woman like that when I was still a wanted man?”

“It goes both ways, Pa. She wanted you. She made her choice, and she loves you fiercely. She saw right through to the man inside, and that’s who she fell in love with. And right now, she’s out there ready to fall right back into that black hole she just climbed out of because she thinks maybe she’s somehow lost you, so get out there and hold her and tell her you’re okay. I’m damn tired and I need a bath and I miss my wife—and I need my father to be his old self just as much as Mom needs you in the same way.”

He paused, hoping he was getting through to the man.

“You’re not a dying breed, Pa. You’re a special breed. There’s nobody else out there like you. Those boys aren’t proud of what you were. They’re proud of what you are—one hell of a husband, a father, and a grandfather. Those boys aren’t too young to understand the strength it takes to rise above the ugly parts of life. You have to take some credit for your accomplishments. You should have accepted that offer to go to Boulder and let the people there show their gratitude for what you did. There’s nothing wrong in that.”

Jake shook his head. “No. I’m not going to do that. As far as that money, this is your place, not mine, and I want you to have it for emergencies. It was mostly your money inherited from Beth that built this ranch, and God knows if it weren’t for me, you never would have lost Beth in the first place. But that’s a long time ago and can’t be changed. Giving you that money kind of helps me get over that.” He turned back to the window. “I’m old school, Lloyd. That run of lawlessness is in my blood way too deep for me to ever be a totally peaceful, quiet man—and there’s a meanness down deep inside that comes from my father’s blood. I fight it, but it’s there. I’ve always known it, and it’s why I never drink more than one shot of whiskey or more than one mug of beer. I’d be just like him if I did, and nobody wants to see what that is like, believe me. I’ll be ruthless in defending myself or my own, but I wanted those boys to know it wasn’t necessary this time. That’s something for the law to handle.”

“Well, you didn’t mind landing the butt of your rifle across the side of Fillmore’s head.”

Jake grinned. “No. I didn’t mind that at all. That was for things he’d said about your mother, not for setting that fire.”

Lloyd rose and walked closer to Jake. “Pa, we’ll all be okay. Quit worrying about how those boys will turn out. They’re learning all the things they need to know about running a ranch. And you…” Lloyd shook his head. “You have no idea how important you are to this whole family. You’re the hub of the wheel, Pa, and when you’re gone from this world, we’ll all have one hell of a hard time getting by. I personally hope that’s way far in the future—and considering how you keep kicking death right in the face, it’s bound to be a long time yet before I won’t have my father to turn to. I love you. We’ve had each other’s backs for a long time, and I hope it will stay that way for a lot more years.”

Jake put his hands on his hips and smiled sadly. “Then I’ll do my best to stay on top of the ground rather than under it.”

“Well, it would help if you’d stay out of trouble.”

“Trouble looks for me. I don’t look for it.”

“I know, but just try to see it coming and then duck out of the way.” Lloyd smiled and was relieved to see his father return the smile. “You know how to work that smile on Mom, and right now she needs to see it, Pa. Understand?”

Jake nodded. “I just couldn’t talk to her about this, not when she’s just getting back to her old self. The woman knows me inside and out, and we’ve had our own long talks, but this time, I just—I don’t know. I was just afraid I’d chase her back into that shell.”

“She’s okay now, Pa. But don’t leave her out on things like this—she just worries more. She used to be your sounding board, and I think she’d be happy to keep that up. It will help her feel stronger. She’s the kind that wants to share your hurts just as much as the good times.”

“I suppose.” Jake put out his hand, and Lloyd took it. The handshake led to a quick embrace.

“You know I love you, Pa,” Lloyd said, pulling away.

“Yeah, well, same here. And speaking of your mother, you have your own beautiful woman waiting for you out there.”

“You sure you’re okay?”

“I’m okay. Go home. You’ve been gone a while and have some catching up to do.”

Lloyd nodded and left. Jake watched him go through the door, then turned away. His eyes fell on the poker iron beside the fireplace, and a memory rushed in. His father, using one on his little brother…the boy lying lifeless on the floor, a bloody gash on the side of his head. The boy had been about little Sadie Mae’s age when he was killed. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, telling himself to put the memory back where it belonged, deep in the recesses of his mind where he was usually able to lock it away for months at a time.

“Jake?”

He turned to see Randy standing inside the doorway. “Do you know how beautiful you are?” he asked her.

Randy smiled warily. “I only know what you tell me. As long as I look beautiful to you, that’s all I care about.”

Jake smiled. “Do you have any fresh bread? I haven’t eaten for almost two days.”

She shook her head, a scolding look in her eyes. “Then get to the kitchen, and I’ll feed you. And you need a bath. You smelled like smoke when you walked past me earlier—without saying a word, I might add. And you’re not to leave this house the rest of the day. You look like you also haven’t slept for two days, so after you eat, it’s straight to bed.”

Jake watched her walk to the kitchen to slice some bread. He followed and walked up behind her, moving his arms around her and kissing her hair.

“Our son is quite something, isn’t he?” Randy asked softly.

“That he is.” He moved one hand to her throat and leaned around to kiss her cheek. “And so are you.”

“Sometimes you’re a hard man to handle, Jake Harkner, but you’ve never scared me. So you relax and accept the good life you have now, or I’ll come after you with a broom.” She turned her head, and he met her lips in a sweet kiss.

“Tell you what,” he said, kissing her forehead, “I’m bone tired, so I’ll take your advice to sleep. But how about we leave in the morning for the line shack?”

Randy turned and wrapped her arms around him. “I’d love that! We haven’t gone back up there since…”

Since the three weeks we spent there after you were attacked. Jake hugged her tighter. “It will be completely different this time. We’ll go there for no good reason but to just to be together and alone, and to get out of this heat. It’s a lot cooler up there. We’ll take Terrel and Cole with us. They can camp a bit away but be handy in case of any trouble. That should make you feel a little safer.”

“All I need for that is you.”

“Just the same, with all that’s happened, it can’t hurt to bring them with us. That’s grizzly country, and I’m not taking you up there without extra protection. It was winter when we were there last, and the bears were hibernating. And if something happened to me, you’d be up there alone.”

“I suppose.”

“All the men are back from taking the cattle into Denver, so Lloyd can spare a couple of hands.”

Randy leaned back, and he studied the tiny lines around her eyes. What had he done to this woman? There should be a lot more of those lines by now, and her hair should be completely white, but it was still the golden color that he loved, her exotic gray-green eyes still beautiful. She always said he got better looking with age, but it was the same with her. She had that kind of beauty that shone through as strength and bravery, the beauty of a mature woman who understood the world because she’d seen it all.

She reached up to trace a finger along the thin and faded scar down the left side of his face. “So many scars, Jake, inside and out. I know you. Something upset you out there, and you’re going as much for yourself as for me, aren’t you?”

He smiled sadly. “Probably. And speaking of scars, all those old bullet wounds are taking their toll. Some days I ache everywhere. I feel like an old warrior who needs to put down his sword for a while.” He kissed her again. “And be alone with his wife.”

“You’re a warrior, all right. It is time you hung up that sword for good, Jake.”

He glanced at his guns, hanging, as always, over the doorway. “We’ll see.”