Thirty-one

It was like a strange dream. Randy awoke to a strong hand gently massaging her belly, moving down into her underwear and stroking that place in that special way that gave her so much pleasure. It was dark, and she had no idea what time it was, but she knew her husband’s touch and realized this was more than just a pleasant dream.

“Jake?”

“I just want to be inside of you.”

“I’m half-asleep.”

“Sometimes it’s nicer that way.”

Remaining under the covers, she bent her legs, and he pulled off her underwear.

“Jake, I have to pee.” She felt his smile.

“Sometimes that makes a climax even more intense.”

“Says who?”

“Says some woman from somewhere in the past. I think it was you.”

“Are you getting your women mixed up?”

That brought a light laugh as he pushed up her nightgown. “I’m getting too old to remember for sure.”

He moved a finger into her folds again, stroking gently as he nuzzled her neck. Randy drew a deep breath when he pushed more than one finger inside of her to draw forth the needed moisture so she could enjoy this. She sensed an urgency about him, but she didn’t ask questions. She just breathed deeply and arched toward his hand as he toyed with what belonged to him. He worked his thumb over her magic spot while continuing to tease with his fingers until she felt a sensuous climax that was so intense she grasped his hand and pushed, demanding more as she groaned his name.

“See what I mean, mi querida?” he said softly. He was on top of her then, and she realized he was naked. He moved between her legs, and she opened herself to welcome his fullness. The whole act seemed almost unreal, so much so that she wondered if she really was dreaming this. He groaned with every push, a strange anxiety to his intercourse, an odd desperation to the way he took her. He raised to his knees, taking hold of her hips and pulling her to him as he pounded into her depths for several minutes before holding himself inside her with a powerful release and a gasp of pleasure.

He lowered his body, pulling her into his arms, burying his face in her hair as she kissed his neck.

“Jake, what’s wrong?”

He didn’t answer right away. He pulled her closer. “I just needed to be inside of you, to feel your closeness.”

He sighed deeply and rolled onto his back.

Randy fished under the blankets and found her underwear. “It’s more than that, Jake. I’m going to pee, and when I come back, you are going to tell me what’s wrong.” She climbed out of bed and half ran to the adjoining toilet room, then cleaned up. She came back into the bedroom to find Jake standing at an open window, smoking a cigarette. He pushed the window farther aside and rested his elbows on the windowsill as she walked up behind him. “Look out there,” he told her.

Randy moved up beside him to drink in the sight of the Harkner homestead bathed in the light of a huge moon.

Jake put his hand out the window and pointed to things as he spoke. “It’s almost like daylight out there, the moon is so full. You can see cattle in the distance, see the horses we left in the corral, see the main bunkhouse, the new barn.”

Randy kissed his bare arm, thinking how hard-muscled he still was, no big belly like most men his age, just rock hard—physically, but in other ways too. He was a hard man on the inside, and she felt that side of him trying to make an appearance. The way he’d just made love to her had been more like he was trying to prove something to himself. “Remember our promise of no secrets, Jake? Our promise to tell each other what’s bothering us before it festers?”

He drew on his cigarette, exhaling before he answered. “I remember.”

“Then talk to me.”

He paused, taking a deep breath of fresh mountain air. “You cold? It’s always cool here at night, even when the day has been miserably hot.”

“No, I’m not cold, and stop avoiding the subject.”

“I couldn’t sleep, that’s all. I’m sorry I woke you up that way.”

She wrapped her hands around his arm and rested her head against his shoulder. “I can think of a lot worse ways to be woken up.” She kissed his shoulder. “Talk to me, Jake. Stop dancing around whatever’s bothering you.”

He remained silent for a few minutes. “I look at all this, and sometimes I wonder if I fit in anymore.”

“Fit in? You’re as much a part of this family and this great big country as the animals out in those pine forests, and sometimes just as wild.”

“That’s partly my point.” He waved his arm again, indicating all that lay before them in the moonlight. “All that out there, it belongs to Lloyd and Evie and the grandchildren and to Ben. It’s Lloyd’s dream. I just came along for the ride, to help him build all this because he damn well deserves it. I don’t really belong here. That’s part of what I talked to Lloyd about after the fire. I’ve never brought it up to you. In spite of my talk with Lloyd, certain things still bother me and always will. I am that dying breed. I see all this and think about Denver last summer, and I realize the way things are now, there isn’t much room for men like me. One of those newspaper articles about me in Boulder called me the last real outlaw. Now they have all these new laws, which is why I couldn’t let Lloyd hang Brady Fillmore. Our boys have to learn a whole new way of living. I’m in the way of that.”

“In the way?” Randy turned and leaned against the windowsill, facing him. “Jake, if you’re thinking you’re just some has-been outlaw, or that society would be better off without you, think again. We all think you should have gone to Boulder to accept their accolades. People need to know more about that side of you. You were one of the best U.S. Marshals in Oklahoma. Maybe it was part of a prison sentence, but you got the job done.”

“And Evie paid. So did Little Jake and Lloyd…and eventually you.”

“I suppose you think you should just ride off into the sunset and leave the rest of the family to a new century.”

He faced her. “Sometimes.”

Randy folded her arms. “After what you and I have been through? After knowing what you mean to me? How much I need you?”

He reached out and pushed some of her hair behind her ear. “You’re the only thing stopping me. I guess that’s why I woke up wanting to prove something to myself. My reason for staying is you lying next to me in that bed.”

“And not the son who worships you? Not the daughter who thinks you’re an avenging angel? Not those granddaughters who climb all over you and those grandsons who hang on your every move and your every word? Not your adopted son? Ben would be terrified if you left us. You promised him no one would ever hurt him again. You promised to always love him. You’ve risked life and limb and even prison and a near hanging for this family. Don’t ever wonder where you belong, Jake Harkner. You belong right here on the J&L, surrounded by all of us.” Randy could see him clearly in the moonlight. She knew him too well—knew when he was in a mood to just ride out of their lives. She watched a sad smile cross his lips.

“Hell, I couldn’t leave anyway, because you, being the determined woman you are, would damn well get on a horse and come after me. I couldn’t get away from you thirty-two years ago, and it wouldn’t be any easier now.”

“You’re exactly right.” She took his hand and kissed his palm.

“Baby, I just want you to…I don’t know, be prepared, I suppose. Something is nagging me lately, and I can’t even explain it except that I keep hearing a wolf howl when it’s too early in the day for it. The last time I heard that…” He hesitated. “It might be nothing. It’s probably just from all the other things that have happened, and now, suddenly, everything is peaceful. It’s hard for me to trust that peace. I know that a man like me isn’t likely to die a peaceful death in bed, or that big leather chair downstairs. I don’t even want to die that way. I don’t know how or when, but it will be quick and sudden and probably violent.”

“Jake, don’t—”

“I just want you to know it would be okay with me. That’s how it should be for a man like me, and I won’t mind a bit. As long as I get my turn in front of God so I can explain a few things, because it’s a sure thing you will be going up, and I want to be there with you. I’ll be waiting for you, so if things work out that way, you remember that. I am always with you. Remember how I told you that back in Oklahoma every time I rode out after the scum of the earth?”

Tears slipped down her cheeks. “And you always came back. Always.” She clung to his hand. “Jake, why are you talking this way?”

He moved an arm around her and pulled her close. “I just feel old sometimes. Some days every bone in my body hurts, and I worry about the day coming when I can’t even make love to you anymore.”

“And you think that would matter to me?”

“It would matter to me. You’re ten years younger than I am, and you’ve always needed a man to hold you.”

“Hold is the word, Jake, and you’re holding me right now. That’s all I’ve ever needed. I don’t need the other. God knows you’ve been the best lover a woman could ask for. We have some pretty wild memories in that department, wild and beautiful.”

“I’ll give you that one.” He pulled her tight to his side and kissed her hair. “I guess it’s the sound of a wolf howling that has kept me awake. I always feel like it’s some kind of omen of something bad to come.”

“Right now you’re here and well, and I’m not sure what all hurts at the moment, but it certainly did not affect how you made love to me, so let’s just take a day at a time. All your old enemies are gone, and the family is fine now. A portrait of our beautiful family hangs over the fireplace, and every person in that picture, other than me, Katie, Brian, and Ben, are the spawn of Jake Harkner, who deep inside, even in his worst years, wanted nothing more than what he has right now. God loves you beyond measure, and so do I. And right now you are still my strong and handsome Jake. Every time you touch me, you make me feel special.”

“You are special. Lo nuestro será eterno…tú y yo estaremos unidos eternamente.”

You and I will be united forever. She knew the words. She reached up and put her arms around his neck, and he pulled her up, feet off the floor.

“By God, either you’ve gained weight, or I’m losing my strength,” he teased.

“You’re the one who told me to eat more,” she answered.

“I guess I did, didn’t I?” He moved an arm under her legs and carried her to the bed.

“Am I getting too fat?”

“Baby, you have a long way to go to be too fat. In fact, you’re still too thin.” He raised her higher and kissed between her breasts. “At least you haven’t lost any of this cleavage.”

Randy grinned. “If you had to shove these things into a corset or camisole every day, you’d wish they were smaller.”

He dropped her onto the bed and crawled on top of her. “I have helped you shove those things into your camisole, and I enjoyed every minute of it.”

“Well, I still think they’re too big.”

Jake started unbuttoning the front of her nightgown. “Let me be the judge of that.”

She laughed and pushed his hands away. “I need to go back to sleep, Jake. Lloyd and Katie are coming for breakfast in the morning.”

Jake lay down beside her. “Just so you understand, there isn’t a man alive who thinks breasts can be too big.”

Randy laughed and moved her arms around his neck again. “The more to please you with, my love.”

“I am very pleased.”

“And I am very tired, so go to sleep.” Randy turned over, her back to him. He pulled her against him, knowing that was still the only way she could fall asleep. He kept a hand on one breast, and she smiled. “Don’t even think about it, Jake.”

“When I’m with you, I think about it all the time.”

She grasped his hand and held it close to her heart. “Jake, everything will be fine. We have each other and the children and this big, beautiful log home on the J&L. Somehow by sharing grass and water, using the reward money carefully, we’ll get through this drought.”

“I know.”

What was he not telling her? Was he in more pain than he let on? The man was forever strong, forever handsome, forever kind, forever protective and able. She couldn’t imagine the day he could be anything else. He was such a survivor…but something was stirring that dark side.