* * *

He came back with four movies, popcorn from the local movie theatre, which is my favorite, and a sack of burgers and fries.

Mom and daddy had been in and out while he was gone and I had to accept that it was going to be a while before they trusted me to be alone again.

I kept looking toward the closet door but each time I thought of walking in there my tummy hurt and I felt sick.

I wrapped my arms around Bear and thought of a little girl who looked like her daddy, this phantom child that he’d put in my head, and somehow that helped to ease the fear.

He put on the movie and climbed into bed with me. It felt like heaven to be held in his arms inhaling his familiar scent.

But now when he held me I was super aware of everything about him. Like the way the muscles in his arms and chest moved under my head and hands.

When he wrapped his arms around me I felt tears blur my vision. This is all I’d wanted those two weeks when he was freezing me out.

“You were a jerk.” I punched his chest as hard as my girly fist could. “I know, trust me, and when you’re feeling better I’ll let you kick my ass. Just know that I’ll never betray you like that again, ever.”

“Brandon did something happen?”

“What do you mean?” I sat up and looked down at him. He looked kinda the same, but he wasn’t.

“I mean, before, you know…” I pointed to my throat. “You were this nice reserved boy who I’ve always known. Now you seem, I don’t know, like a whole new person.”

He pulled me back down on his chest and paused the movie. “Baby, a lot changed when I moved away. Things were much different in New York and I had to adjust.”

“When I came back here and found you again, I just thought, you know, that you might not be ready for the person I’d become. I thought a small town girl like you my sweet little angel wasn’t ready for that. Now I know I was wrong to hide my true self from you.”

“You mean you’re not the nice boy who used to share his ice cream with me?”

“Oh no I’m still that guy, but there’s another side to me that you’ve never seen because I didn’t think you could handle him. But, since you’re dealing with big city shit, there’s no point in me hiding anymore.”

“I can’t imagine hiding who you are for a whole year. That must’ve been awful.”

“It wasn’t because I did it for you; besides, there was no need to show my ass here. Now someone has crossed the line I have no more need to keep him hidden.”

“So wait, you thought I was too innocent to handle the new you?”

“Something like that!”

“Hmm, it’s weird. I don’t feel like that girl anymore.”

“I know!”

He turned the movie on again and we settled down to watch. I guess I was more tired than I thought because my lashes started to droop and it wasn’t long before I drifted off.

* * *

I saw myself hanging from the rafters, clutching at the strip of leather around my throat and trying to get it off.

The more I tried the tighter it became until I was left swinging, my feet jerking in the last throes as the air left my lungs and darkness shrouded me.

“Baby wake up, come on.” My eyes flew open just as daddy and mom came flying into the room. “She’s dreaming; it’s okay.” I felt his arms around me. Safe, loving, warm.

Mom and daddy sat on my bed and pulled me into their arms between them, comforting me but he kept my hand held tight in his.

On the screen the movie had been paused to the last scene I remember, which meant he’d known I’d fallen asleep but had stayed in bed holding me.

“What were you dreaming about?” Mom gave him a look for asking but he didn’t back down. I turned my head on daddy’s shoulder to look at him. “I was dying, I…” I couldn’t bring myself to say the words as the enormity of what I’d done came rushing back.

“That’s normal baby, you’re probably going to have nightmares for a while yet.” Mom smoothed my hair and kissed my cheek while daddy held me close.

I was once again surrounded completely by those I loved and who I knew loved me.

“I’m sorry, so sorry that I disappointed you, all of you.” Damn these tears. All I do anymore is cry and sleep.

“Look at me Kristi.” Daddy took my chin in his hand and turned my face up to his. “You have never disappointed me. This thing, it was just a cry for help. You were hurting and you didn’t think you could turn to us. I’m not too happy about that, but I understand.” He stopped and kissed my forehead.

“You are my daughter; you’re the most precious thing in me and your mother’s world. We want you to be happy and I want you to know that no matter what, you can always come to us. We know you, we love you; we trust you. There’s nothing you can do that would make us hate you. We were kids once too remember?”

“He’s right baby, we know how hard it is to be a teenager, and you guys have it way harder than we did what with cellphones and social media. We didn’t have any of that thank heavens.” They laughed but I could still hear the strain in their voices.

“Please don’t treat me different. I couldn’t bear it if I saw pity in your eyes.”

“Hey, look at me.” Daddy lifted my chin so he could look into my eyes.

“There’s no pity. What you did took guts, I’m just glad it didn’t work. I would hate to have been robbed of the next fifty years of your life. I can’t wait to see the wonderful woman I know you’re going to become.” He choked up and cleared his throat.

“If you see anything in our eyes,” he pointed at mom, “it’s anger that someone hurt you like this, but believe me, none of that anger is aimed towards you.”

Why are they being so understanding? Why aren’t they yelling at me, telling me how stupid I was for trying to kill myself?

I guess the three of them had banded together and decided on how we were going to face this new thing that was between us.

“Okay give her here, stop hogging my girl.” Say what now? Daddy grinned and passed me back to Brandon without argument and I had that feeling of vertigo again. My parents just got up and left after both kissing my head again.

I wasn’t sure that I deserved to be treated this way, with this much understanding. Now that I was back in my own room away from the clinical aesthetics of the hospital, reality was settling in. Had I really tried to kill myself?

If I had then I would’ve missed these last few days. I wouldn’t have met this new sexy Brandon who made me long for what comes next.

Or feel this unfurling excitement in the pit of my gut at what life held in store for me, for us. I’m alive; those words had never held more meaning.

Things that I had once taken for granted now took on new meaning. Like the size of my room that was roughly the size of the apartments some of my classmates lived in.

Or the throw lying across the bottom of my bed that I had seen in a magazine that mom had ordered all the way from Sweden that very week. Hand knitted cashmere, worth thousands.

The diamond studs in my ears that daddy had got me for my seventeenth birthday were worth more than some people’s houses, but yet I’d never seen the value in any of these thing.

I’d always just taken it for granted that I was the girl who would always have the best. Even the best parents. People who actually cared about me.

It wasn’t that I carried myself as if I were better than my peers; it was just something that was known. Everyone knew it and acted accordingly, even adults.

Had I somehow done or said something that had brought this on myself? Had I pissed someone off to the point that they wanted to destroy me? “Brandon, am I a bitch?”

“What?” He shifted under my cheek and looked down at me.

“Did I somehow bring this on myself? You know…”

His face was like a thundercloud when he moved me off his chest and rested me back on the pillow so he could lean over me.

“Don’t be an ass, of course you aren’t and you didn’t. You’re the sweetest girl I know. Just because you have more than most does not make you a bitch and you’ve never treated anyone like they were less than you because of your family’s money. What’s more, I would never waste my time on someone like that.”

“Okay.” Had his nostrils always done that flaring thing? How hot was that? “Now whenever you start thinking like that, or worrying, I want you to tell me right away. No hiding from me Kristi, okay.”

“Sure! Where were you a month ago when my life was falling apart and I needed my best friend to lean on?” I said it kind of as a joke, but he took me seriously.

“I was being an asshole, ignoring my girl because I thought she’d betrayed me. Now I know better and don’t forget to give me points for believing even before the cops have gotten all the answers.”

“Now ask yourself, had the tables been turned, and you saw me half naked on a bed with some naked chick in the background. How would that make you feel?”

“I would’ve taken daddy’s hunting rifle and shot you in the crotch.” My face heated at my words.

‘That’s fair.” He kissed my nose and pulled back to look down at me.

When he lowered his head again I knew this kiss was going to blow the others that came before out the water. I was right.

He consumed me, just completely took me over and under. I clung to him, my arms wrapping around him as I tried pulling him closer, as close as he could be.

His weight pressing me into the mattress, the way his broad shoulders blocked out everything else and seemed to shield me from the rest of the world made me feel safer than I ever had before.

He kissed me like he loved me. That’s what it was, what I was feeling. Beneath the passion and the heat of his lips, the way his arms felt, the tender way in which he held me, it was all love.