* * *

Brandon and I had been best friends since we were about three. We did everything together and were practically joined at the hip.

Until his dad got a promotion that took him out of town the summer before we started middle school. I thought I would die without my best friend in the world. I thought we’d be together forever.

We tried staying in touch that first year, but life intervened. He found new friends and so did I, though I never forgot the only human being other than my parents that I’d loved; unconditionally.

No one was more pleased or surprised than I when he returned to town a year and a half ago. I remember the day I opened the door to see him standing there.

A more mature taller version than the boy I remembered. He was a stranger in some ways but the same boy I’d known my whole life in others. One thing was certain; he was hot.

My first thought was that the awkward knobby- kneed kid I’d known was gone and in his place was the most gorgeous thing I’d ever seen outside of a magazine spread.

He’d wrapped his arms around me and lifted me off my feet and right then and there I’d given him my heart.

I hadn’t ever felt the rush of excitement that ran through me in that moment. I felt the strength in his arms as they held me, and the soft heat of his lips when he kissed my cheek before putting me back down on my feet.

Dad had come to the door by then to see what all my wild screaming was about and the wide grin on his face said he remembered my old friend.

We’d stayed up late that night talking about everything, trying to fit the last few years into a couple hours before he had to return to his old home across the street.

Even after he’d left we’d stayed awake, sitting in our respective windows the way we had when we were younger, talking on our phones until well into the night.

The next day was Saturday and we spent the day together revisiting all our hold haunts. It was as if time had never passed and we were back to being who we were, except now there was a new tension in the air.

It was two weeks later when he was the one to finally say out loud what we were both thinking. “I came back for you Kristi.” Those words were the sweetest I’d ever heard.

We were sitting in the local Dairy Queen late at night, hidden in a back corner away from the windows because we didn’t want anyone to see and interrupt us.

We’d both been jealous of each other’s time. He didn’t have to start school until the following term. Apparently where he’d moved back from had a different school year.

So I’d rush through the day those last two weeks of school just to get back to him. My excitement couldn’t be contained and eventually I had to tell my friends why I was giving them the brush off.

Needless to say, they wanted to meet him and once they did there was no denying the looks of interest on their part. I couldn’t blame them; he really was a sight to behold.

Now we were sitting there and I was digging into his blizzard because I’d got my usual chocolate, but his caramel cream looked so much better.

I’d asked him something else entirely and when he hadn’t answered had looked up at him, only to find him staring at me with the most-tender look in his eyes. And then he’d said the words.

That night we became a couple and it was the happiest time of my life. When school started back my friends really got to know him since I’d kept him all to myself that summer.

And though there was a lot of admiring looks and just a bit of jealousy, everyone knew he was mine. We were so wrapped up in each other we didn’t have time for anyone else.

* * *

Something pulled me out of my dream and my eyes fluttered open to half slits. At first I thought it was daddy sitting in the chair across from me but then I got that feeling I get only when I’m around Brandon.

It was then I realized he was holding my hand as he rested his head back against the chair he was slouched in, next to my bed.

I held still so that he didn’t disappear as tears of loss and pain escaped the corners of my eyes. My heart hurt for both of us. For what I’d done to something so beautiful that had had so much promise.

Where were my parents? I didn’t expect them to ever leave my side. But of course they would leave me with Brandon; they trusted him with me.

They didn’t know. Oh hell! I felt new panic at the realization that my whole world was about to come crashing down around me.

I must’ve made a noise because his head whipped around and even in the dark room I could see the redness in his eyes.

I moved my lips to say ‘I’m sorry’ for the thousandth time, but the words wouldn’t come. My shoulders shook as I tried to hold back the tears.

He didn’t say anything, just stared back at me wordlessly, but at least he didn’t let go of my hand. Whoops, spoke too soon. He dropped my hand but still held my gaze and I died a little more inside at the look in his eyes.

He was still mad at me, still hated me. The pain cut as deep as it had the first time he turned away from me. I wanted to disappear. Please somebody take me away from this pain.

He lowered his head and clasped his hands together between his knees and I wanted so badly to hear his voice. Even if he told me go to hell, it would be better than his cold silence.

I missed our closeness, and I knew that even as he sat there in that chair next to me, my Brandon was a million miles away. Out of reach, closed off from me forever.

I turned my face to hide the stupid tears that fell from my eyes. No more tears. It was obvious that he no longer loved me and not even death wanted me, so I was stuck in this skin that I wanted to escape more than I wanted my next breath.

“You don’t get to do that. Turn around and look at me.” There was such anger in his voice, but at least he was speaking to me again. I turned slowly, afraid of making any sudden moves lest he walk out of the room.

This is what I’d been relegated to. The girl who’d had so much confidence was now a barren shell of her former self and I hadn’t even made it out of my teens.

I made myself look up at him since he’d got to his feet, my heart bleeding inside. It took everything I ha left to hold his gaze. Could he see me crumbling into a million pieces? Could he see the very life draining from me?

I wanted to close my eyes against what I saw in his. There was none of the love I was used to seeing in his eyes.

Instead I saw distrust, distaste and something else that I couldn’t quite name. He tried to hide what he was feeling but it was too late, the damage had already been done.

I wanted to scream at him to go away, I couldn’t bear to be that close to him with him hating me the way he obviously did, but I needed him there with me. I thought I would die if he left.

“Why did you do this?” He gripped his hands into fists and I knew he was trying to restrain himself. It’s not often I’ve seen his anger, and it’s never been turned against me, but I know the strength of it.

The thing is always in the past it was in defense of me. Now I know what it feels like to have that icy glare focused on me and I felt like shit.

“I asked you a question Kristi, why did you do this?” I was afraid not to answer. I knew he’d leave me if I didn’t. And I’d rather his hate than his absence, his silence.

“Because…because you wouldn’t talk to me.” There was anger in his look and I could see he was trying to control that too.

The way you would when you were handling someone with issues. Someone you were afraid might do themselves harm. Too late for that.

Only a few weeks ago, the only thing I saw in his eyes was love. He’d made my world feel safe, secure, now he was killing me with his coldness and it was tearing me apart.

Everything hurt, but nothing hurt as much as my heart, or the hole where my heart once was. I felt tears leak from my eyes again and was too afraid to move to wipe them away.

I felt like everything I do now is under a microscope, and the fact that he wasn’t answering me said more than words ever could. Where were the reassurances that I was going to be okay?

Why wasn’t he taking me in his arms and kissing my head the way he always does when I’m upset? The last time I had a cold he never left my side.

He’d snuck in my bedroom window ten minutes after saying goodnight and walking out my front door. That night he’d stayed up with me taking care of me until the early morning when he had to sneak off again.

But now, there was no compassion, no caring in his eyes when he looked at me. “Why am I not talking to you Kristi?”

His question only made me cry harder as the whole ugly mess came crashing down on my head again. That empty dark void opened up and sucked me in.

I choked each time I tried to speak, the words getting stuck in my throat. In that moment I wished I’d succeeded because I knew that he still hadn’t forgiven me.

That he still didn’t believe that I didn’t have all the answers to what happened the night my world imploded.