* * *

I listened at the door when dad came in later that evening. “How is she?” I heard the meeting of lips that I’ve listened to since I was old enough to remember, and then mom’s voice.

“She hasn’t been out of her room since she came home. I was just about to go check on her.”

“I’ll do that when I go up.”

I heard his footsteps coming up the stairs and made sure the door was locked before rushing back to the bed. I didn’t have to pretend to be sick when he knocked; my voice was raw from crying.

“Daddy, is that you?”

“Yes princess open the door.” He did that two finger tapping thing he always does when he’s trying to get me and mom to get a move on and I bit my hand as fresh tears started. Oh daddy!

“I don’t want you to get sick daddy, I’ll come down later I’m still a little tired.” He didn’t leave right away but soon I heard his footsteps moving away down the hall to his room.

I can’t do this; I can’t face anyone. I know it’s only a matter of time before the whole town knows, including my parents, but none of that mattered. Not as much as what losing Brandon has done to me.

* * *

Mom, why are you screaming? “Justin!” Oh dear, what had daddy done now? Wait, that didn’t sound like her I’m annoyed voice, there was something…

“Lorrie? KRISTI…” I felt arms come around me and then there was movement.

What’s going on? I felt cold air touch my face and skin and then I was being lowered. Mom, I’d know that scent anywhere. But why was she holding me like a baby? “Hurry Justin, please hurry.”

I felt something wet hit my cheek and it took me a minute to place the sounds that echoed in my ear through mom’s chest. Mom, why are you crying? I tried to say the words out loud but my tongue felt heavy.

There was a burning pain around my neck and my throat was on fire. I tried sitting up or at least I think I did, but I hadn’t moved because my body felt like it was laden down with lead.

I could hear the rush of the car’s wheels as they rolled along the asphalt and the wild beating of my mother’s heart. Why was I in the car? Where we were going?

There were tears on my cheeks, but somehow I knew these were mine. I started to panic when I heard the official sounding voices around us once the door opened.

Then there was more rushing and some kind of light was hurting my eyes even though they were closed. I was jostled as hands moved me from one place to the next and I felt the softness of a bed beneath me.

Something fell over my face and someone was sticking something in my arm. “Ouch!” Again the word stayed trapped in my lungs. What’s going on? Why is everyone in such a rush? And where the hell am I?

* * *

I must’ve fallen asleep because the next time I was aware those lights were gone and I could hear my parents whispering somewhere off in a corner.

“Why would she do this?”

“I don’t know. I never should’ve let her go upstairs by herself that long. I knew something was wrong, I could see it in her face. What kind of mother am I?”

“No baby don’t do that, this is not your fault. We’ll wait for the cops to do their thing and then we’ll have some answers.”

I squinted behind my closed lids. Cops? Who’d done what? And why the hell can’t I wake up? A cold panic took over and I knew they had to hear the way my bones rattled and my body shook.

I felt them approach and stand on either side of my bed. Mom took one of my hands in hers and daddy brushed the hair back from my brow.

This is beginning to freak me out, like what the hell is going on? Why are my parents acting so weird? What, is that strange light, and why are cops getting involved in anything?

I heard a strange voice at the door of the room and mom and dad stepped away and left. The door closed behind them and I strained to hear what was being said to no avail.

I felt panic rise in my chest when they were gone for longer than five minutes, but as soon as they came back I started to settle again. Is something wrong with me? Where’s Brandon why am I here? Exactly where is here?

I know it’s not home; it’s not my room. The sheets don’t smell or feel like mine and the air was kinda stuffy.

I was starting to get a sickening feeling in my stomach as I tried to rack my brain, to remember everything before I heard my mother scream.

I was in my bedroom; daddy was at the door and I… I sat up in bed and screamed. The sound was harsh and horrible in my ears and my lungs hurt so bad I thought I would pass out.

“Shh baby, shh, it’s okay you’re okay daddy’s here.” I felt his comforting arms come around me and where I once would’ve needed nothing else, there was something missing. That’s when I started screaming for Brandon.

Mom sat on my other side and they cocooned me in. Not even the warmth of their bodies could erase the cold that seeped into me once my mind started playing back the last few hours.

I felt empty, dead, but I knew I was alive even though there was a block of ice where my heart once was.

I was finally able to open my eyes but I saw nothing as I stared across the room at the bare hospital wall.

I wanted to lift my hand to my throat where I’d wrapped my new Louis Vuitton belt an hour or more ago.

I wasn’t even sure if I was alive or if this was just some strange afterlife waiting room that they made you go to before they sent you off to heaven or hell.

I know where I’m going, where I deserve to be. Fresh tears started and rolled down my cheeks as everything I’d done to bring me here came flooding back like a tsunami of bad decisions.

My parents rubbed my back and whispered words of love and encouragement in my ear but I didn’t hear them.

I just wanted to go back to sleep, to escape back into that darkness that had been the only peace I’ve known in the last couple weeks.

I pulled out of their hands and laid back on the bed, now staring up at the ceiling, still seeing nothing.

Brandon! My heart cried out for him, but for the first time since we were very little he wasn’t there. He was never going to be there again and it was all because of me, all because of one stupid mistake that I could never take back.

“Oh baby, don’t cry. Whatever this is we’ll get through it.” No we won’t mom, because once you and dad find out what I’ve done you won’t like me either.

I tried turning on my side to escape her gaze but daddy was on the other side. His face was a blur but there was no mistaking the sadness in his eyes.

That look only made my heart bleed more and the infuriating tears begun in earnest again, not like they’d ever stopped.

I wanted to tell them to leave me alone. That I wasn’t worth their worry and care, and it broke my heart that after everything they’d done for me, I had come to this.

I finally closed my eyes and pretended to sleep. They sat there for the longest time running their hands over my head and arms before I drifted off to sleep for real.

* * *

It was a dream; I knew it was somehow. Brandon and I were in the backyard at my house in the hammock.

I had my feet in his lap as we swayed gently under the big old magnolia tree that shielded us from view. It was our favorite place, our secret haven.

We were both reading, he some techie stuff and me one of my new adult romance novels that he likes to tease me mercilessly about.

The sun was bright and high overhead, it was about four in the afternoon. The birds were flitting from tree to tree singing their little hearts out and all was right in my world.

Every once in a while I’d just look over the top of my book at him and my heart would squeeze in my chest.

Sometimes I couldn’t believe he was mine, this gorgeous boy, with the wild black hair, and the piercing green eyes.

His dimples showed in a smile even as he kept his head buried in the book. “I can feel you staring, what gives?” He tweaked my toe playfully and I laughed, a laugh so filled with joy it was almost too much to hold.

I love moments like this, lived for them in fact. No one else has ever made me feel such unbridled joy. Only with him was I able to be free, and when he’d been gone for those four years between thirteen and seventeen I’d missed him like crazy.