* * *

We drove down to the lake and sat in the car watching the moonlight dance on the water. With my head on his shoulder and his arm around me, I felt safe, sheltered. “How was your day baby?”

I didn’t have to think about it. But since I was supposed to not hide behind my feelings and say what I really felt, at least until I was out of the danger zone, I searched myself for the truth.

“I had a great day, thanks for bringing your family over tonight, it was great seeing them. And you know what, I think it’ll make it easier for me to face the others at school tomorrow.”

It was true, the more people outside of my parents and him that I faced, the easier it was becoming. It all seemed so distant now, like it had happened in another time, another place.

I no longer felt like I was choking on my own bile each time I thought of walking through the halls at school.

There was still a lingering bit of discomfort, and I still didn’t know what really happened to me that night, but having him, and my parents knowing, seems to have alleviated a lot of the stress that had been plaguing me.

“I’ll be with you, if you feel uncomfortable at all, just let me know and we’re outta there. You don’t have to face it all at once if you don’t want to.”

I squeezed his hand in appreciation. I thought for sure we were gonna have sex, but the longer we stayed there and he didn’t turn to me, just held me as we gazed at the water and listened to the night critters, it became obvious that we weren’t.

My body seems to have a mind of its own these days. I went from barely ever thinking about sex to wanting it all the time.

I had a slight scare that it truly was a side effect of what had happened, and wondered if I’d somehow become promiscuous. But I only wanted it with him, no one else.

Something had been freed inside me I guess, or maybe I just saw things a whole lot differently now. I had the wild urge to grab onto all that life had to offer.

“Why aren’t we having sex?” I tensed up after asking the question, a little bit embarrassed that I was the one asking.

“First, we don’t have sex, we make love,” he kissed my hair, “and second, I didn’t think you were ready for making love outside.”

“You mean because of the pictures.” Funny, I hadn’t even given them a second thought. I was beginning to think maybe something had become twisted in my head.

All the literature I read said it was supposed to take time for me to get well again, but here I was having moments where I didn’t even remember that there was something wrong.

Until I looked in the mirror and saw the ugly marks around my neck. Those weren’t going away as easily as the ones in my mind.

“Is there such a thing as healing too fast, do you think I’m doing something wrong?”

“Why do you ask?” I shrugged and adjusted my head on his shoulder.

“I don’t know, all the pamphlets I read seem to suggest that it’ll take me weeks if not months to feel this way. Maybe I’m not really better and I’m just fooling myself that I am so as not to worry everyone anymore.”

“Is that what you feel? Like you’re pretending, just going through the motions?” I started shaking my head even before he was done. “No, I don’t, and that’s what’s bothering me. I think I’m still supposed to be sick.”

He took his time answering and then he lifted me off his chest so he could look at me. “I read those pamphlets too, the whole time you were out of it that’s all I did. I read everything I could get my hands on.”

Oh, so that’s why he had it so together. “Everyone is different baby. I didn’t see you in any of that. Like I told you, your pain came from your heart, not your head. Some people are broken for a long time before they attempt suicide.”

“Some of them cannot escape what’s in their head. I’m not sure which is easier to mend, the head or the heart. But I know when something’s broken and you try to fix it, it makes it better.”

“You thought that I didn’t love you anymore, and you thought your parents would be angry. Neither of those things are true, and you’re smart enough to know that we’re not lying to you, so it’s getting easier for you day by day.”

I listened to his words and heard the truth in them. I guess I was comparing myself with the stories I’ve been reading, trying to find common ground and it was starting to freak me out when I wasn’t seeing what I thought was supposed to be there.

“Some people survive cancer, some people don’t. Some of the survivors have theirs taken away without much ado, and others spend years back and forth to get well.”

“Do you think the ones who beat it wonder why theirs didn’t last longer? Maybe they do, but they sure don’t want it.”

“I think both those people, once they’re free, all they want to do is live the life they almost lost. If you’re happy baby, be happy. You came close to dying, and now you know what life is worth”

“I wouldn’t recommend the shit, but at least now you know the value of life. Plus you know, you have the coolest boyfriend on earth, so, what’s not to live for.”

My snicker became a full-blown laugh, which ended when his lips covered mine. Though the kissing got heavy he still wouldn’t take me out there by the water, but at least it felt good to know that I wouldn’t have minded. That I didn’t have any hang-ups.

We snuck back into the house, still giddy and giggly and I walked up the stairs and into my closet. It was such a natural thing to do that I didn’t realize what I’d done until I was staring into the corner where my belt rack hung.

I started to shake and my limbs felt weak. I looked back and he was there, standing in the doorway, watching me. He came forward because I couldn’t move; my feet were rooted to the floor.

His arms came around me and chased away the cold, but my teeth still chattered. I couldn’t understand why everything else had fallen so neatly into place except this one thing.

“What are you feeling baby?”

“I almost died.” I shook so hard my bones ached. Tears burned as they left my eyes. I held on so tight my nails were digging into him through the jersey he wore.

“And you didn’t want to die did you baby?”

“No, I don’t want to die, I want to stay here, with you.”

“And you are, you will. It happened baby; we’ll just call it the incident. You got sick, now you’re better. You won’t ever do that again because you know. You know how much you’re loved and how much you have to look forward to.”

“You know that your life is precious, and now you know that this is something that was done to you. You’re not a bad person, you’ve never harmed anyone in your life, but others have harmed you.”

He seemed to need a minute after saying that. “If someone broke into your car and stole stuff, are you responsible because you left something in ‘your’ car?”

I shook my head no and even got mad at the idea that I would be blamed for doing as I please with my property.

“Well then, someone took something from you, your innocence. They used drugs to knock you out and then took compromising pictures and posted them for everyone to see. Shh-shh-shh, listen.”

“You didn’t have anything to do with any of that, you’re the victim. You want to study law, do we blame the victim?” Again I shook my head no.

“What would you do, Miss future badass attorney?” I thought about it and it took me out of my head for a minute.

“I’d get to the bottom of it. I’d find out the truth about what really happened and get justice for the victim. Then I’ll send those fuckers down the river for life.”

“There’s my blood thirsty baby.” And just like that, my body relaxed. I made myself look into the corner again but I still had a death grip on his hand.

“Why didn’t the stupid belt pop?”

“Because it’s real leather, that shit doesn’t break that easy. Should I start buying you knockoffs?”

I laughed so hard I had to cover my mouth and then it just seemed so incongruous that we were standing there laughing.

And then he did the best thing he could’ve done. His hands pulled at my clothes and soon I was tearing at his.

There was no finesse this time when he took me down to the floor of my closet and with me on my hands and knees, got behind me.

We hadn’t done it this way yet, but it fast became my favorite position. He felt so deep and it hurt so good, I never wanted it to stop.

I came looking into that corner and it lost all its power. “Again.” I looked over my shoulder at him; my body still singing and just the look on his face made me cum again.

He didn’t say a word, just started moving in me again. I felt full and loved and happy, my eyes closed with the overwhelming feeling of it all.

“No, keep your eyes on mine. I want to look into your eyes when I cum.” I clamped down around him, teasing him as we held eyes.

I never felt so much love as I did in that moment. It was written in his eyes, all that he felt for me and I couldn’t stop my body from cumming.

We didn’t have to be quiet. There were no squeaking bedsprings, no echoing bathroom shower. The new freedom allowed me to enjoy him to the fullest and I did.

By the time he carried me out of the closet and into the shower, to do me all over again, there was nothing on my mind but him, and what he made me feel. I’m alive.