* * *

I slept most of the day away and each time I opened my eyes Brandon was once again sitting in the chair next to my bed.

Sometimes I’d wake to hushed tones and find the three of them with their heads together at the table in the window.

The next morning a nice doctor came to see me. I knew right away that she wasn’t the same as the one I’d been seeing the last few days and when she asked the others to leave the room I knew I was right.

“Hello Kristi, I’m Dr. Swanson, how are you feeling?” She sat in Brandon’s chair and pulled it closer to the bed.

“I’m fine I guess.” My heart started thumping away in my chest and I didn’t know why but she made me nervous.

“I wanted to ask you some questions if you don’t mind.” My body started to shake. I had a pretty good idea where this was going and I didn’t think I was ready.

She didn’t jump right into the obvious question of why I’d tried to kill myself; instead she let me do most of the talking.

I found it got easier as time went on to spill all the dark bile that was trapped in my gut. The more I spoke and she listened the clearer it became that the one thing pushing me was the not knowing.

I felt lighter once I got it all off my chest. It was much easier talking to someone who didn’t know me. There was no judgment in her eyes.

“Are you telling me that you were a virgin before that night Kristi?” I nodded my head as tears flowed down my cheeks.

I’d wanted so badly to save myself for Brandon and now I was sure that someone else had violated me. Why else would I be in bed with some unknown naked man in the background?

“You know there are ways to find out if you’re still intact.” My eyes flew to hers with hope, but then her words sunk in. It didn’t mean that I hadn’t…. “I think it’s pretty obvious…”

“Not necessarily. There was no obvious evidence in the photos of anything having happened. I think it would help you on the road to healing if you knew.”

Brandon was the first one in the room after she left. I saw through the glass in the door that she was talking to my parents and broke out in a cold sweat.

I had no doubt she was telling them about me being tested to be sure that I was still a virgin, not to mention needing test for STDs. Something I hadn’t even given any thought to.

“How are you feeling?” I wanted to be mad at him but that fire had already burned itself out. Maybe it was talking to the shrink that helped, or maybe I was just too tired to fight anymore.

“I’m okay.” He took my hand in his and just looked at them, joint the way they always used to be. “I know you’re mad at me and you have every right to be. It’s just, … fuck.”

He dropped my hand and jumped to his feet running his hand roughly through his hair.

My eyes widened in surprise. I’d never heard Brandon curse before.

I’ve seen him mad, especially when some guy got too close, but I’ve never seen the kind of rage that now emanated from his eyes.

“Brandon...”

“Gimme a minute baby.” He paced the room for a few minutes and I noticed that mom and dad were no longer standing in the hallway.

Once he got himself under control he came back to me. I was afraid of the look in his eyes. His face looked like he’d aged ten years and somehow I knew the carefree boy I loved was no more.

“You’re mad at me, I’m mad at myself. Right now we have more important things to deal with, like finding out what happened to you. Once we’ve got that taken care of we’ll deal with our shit. I will say this; I should never have turned away from you. I just needed time to come to terms with all this.”

He hung his head and regrouped. “If you’d treated me this way I’d never forgive you, but you, don’t get to make that choice. I fucked up; I’ll make it right. Now tell me what you remember.”

Excuse me? I’m sure I looked like a dying fish with my mouth hanging open. Who is this person? My Brandon never spoke to me like this before.

In fact he’s like my daddy in that way. He’s always catered to me, and my feelings in everything. I only had to hint at wanting something and he’d get it for me no question.

I don’t think he’s ever denied me anything in the last year and a half. And he sure never ‘laid down the law’ with me before.

“Kristi!” I almost jumped at the anger in his voice. “Okay-okay!” It took me a second to get my thoughts together. I’d just gone through this same thing with the shrink, somehow it had been easier.

Now I felt stupid retelling it to him, especially when I didn’t know if he’d believe me. He didn’t say anything when I was done and I could no longer read this new Brandon.

I’d always taken for granted that he was mine and that he was beautiful, but I don’t think I ever really appreciated that he was no longer the boy I’d grown up with.

The boy sitting next to me now was built, like really built. His shoulders were broad from working out, his body well toned from playing football.

But it was the new look in his eyes that made my heart race and my body tingle. This was no boy. Where had he been hiding this person? And what the hell are you thinking?

“I can’t help but think the worst, but even if… if you were violated it wasn’t your fault and we’ll do whatever you need to-to get through this. But baby, if you ever do something like this again, try to hurt yourself. I won’t forgive you.”

“Do you have any idea what it would’ve done to me? If you’d succeeded?”

“I didn’t think you cared.”

“Yeah, I get that, but fuck Kristi. How could you think of ending it, of ending you? Nothing, not even me, is worth your life.”

“Do you not know how fucking precious you are? To me, your parents? Everyone who knows you is sitting out in that waiting room. It was selfish baby… don’t…” He rested his head on the bed near my hip and it was only when his shoulders began to shake that I realized he was crying.

I turned on my side and wrapped my arm around his head as tears of relief and sadness flowed from my eyes.

How could I ever have believed that I hated him? Or that I didn’t need him? He wasn’t blaming me entirely, but he wasn’t acting like my parents either, like he was afraid I’d try again.

These tears were purging. I no longer had that heavy feeling of dread weighing down on me. And when he lifted his head to mine and took my lips under his, my dead heart came alive and beat in a whole new way.

There was so much strength in him, a strength I never saw because it had never been tested like this before. Our lives didn’t run to such drama as this.

Both coming from well to do families that were still intact even though most of our friends came from broken homes, our biggest worry before this was where we were going to hang out on Friday and Saturday nights.

“Who’s out there? How come they haven’t come in?” He cupped my cheek and sat on the bed with me after breaking the kiss. “No one’s allowed to see you until we clear this up.”

“Whose idea was that the doctors or the cops?”

“It was mine and your dad agrees. We still don’t know who that fucker is but once we find out I’m going to fucking kill him.”

“Um Brandon, did you have some kind of out of body experience in the last few days?” My tummy chose then to grumble and I felt real hunger for the first time since I’d been here.

“You need food and to answer your question, this is who I am. You never got to see this side of me before because I thought you were too innocent. But after what you’ve been through these last coupla weeks I’m thinking you can handle me. I’m gonna go see about getting you something to eat.”

The hospital’s idea of food was Jell-O and more ice chips. I must’ve looked miserable because as soon as the nurse left the room he moved the tray from over my lap.

“No good huh, what do you want to eat?”

“A bacon cheese burger with fries and a strawberry shake from Sammy’s.” He studied me for a few seconds before nodding his head. “Let me get your parents to come sit with you and then I’ll go get it.”

“No don’t leave me, why can’t you get one of the others to go get it?”

“Are you crazy? You’re not eating shit from anyone else ever again.”

When he said the words out loud and the intimation hit home I suddenly realized that if what the cops and the doctor seemed to believe was true, someone I knew had done this to me.

I must’ve lost the color in my face because he came back to the bed and took me in his arms. “Don’t let it upset you. We’ll figure it out.” I sucked up his loving care like life giving sustenance.

* * *

I wasn’t released from the hospital for the next three days. Apparently it didn’t matter that I thought I was okay.

Once you’ve tried to off yourself they keep you under observation for a set period of time. At least I wasn’t left in the psych ward, which is where I’d been my first few days here.

Brandon had got his classes and mine transferred to online for the time being and he hardly ever left me side.

Even when daddy and mom had to leave for any reason, he was there. My room came with a shower, which he made use of. And it was there he saw me naked for the first time.

I wasn’t ashamed of my body or anything, but it really was strange having my boyfriend who I’d never gone to bed with following me in there to wash me from head to toe.

Talk about weird. I could hear people walking around out there while he soaped up the washcloth and moved it over my body.

He was very careful with me and if I hadn’t seen the stressed look on his face, or the slash of red across his cheeks, I would’ve thought he was immune. “Don’t!”

I’d held his hand in place when he washed my breast and he swallowed hard after telling me to stop.

“What, what am I doing?” This new phase in our relationship was rather exciting. I loved teasing him, loved the new closeness that only two people who’d been through a harrowing experience like we had could find.

We’d never done anything more than some heavy kissing and touching above the clothes, so this was all new.

It was hilarious that his first time seeing me naked he couldn’t touch me, though I could see in his eyes that he was dying to.

So once I overcame the first blush of shyness, I started teasing him. It was good to feel safe with him again. I had my Brandon back, and even better, this new Brandon took sexy to a whole new level.

Those weeks when he wouldn’t even look at me had been the hardest of my life. I never want to feel anything like that again.

I came back to earth when he smacked my ass and growled. “You know what you’re doing. Your dad’s gonna be back soon you want him to kill me?”

He pecked my lips and wrapped the robe around me after drying me off. Then he lifted me in his arms and took me back to bed.

It had been like this for the past two days. Almost like nothing had happened and though I hadn’t been farther than the window at the end of the hallway where he took me once a day to keep from going stir crazy staring at the same four walls, I no longer cared what was going on out there.