* * *

He wasn’t there when I woke in the morning but I didn’t get that sick feeling of panic. Especially when I saw his note on the pillow next to me. ‘Had to make a run beautiful, will be back before you miss me.’

“Too late, I miss you already.” I kissed the note like a stupid sap and mom and dad came in to see how I was doing. They were trying so hard but I knew they were still worried.

“Daddy, I’m okay. If I feel like you’re still worrying about me it’s only gonna make me feel bad so don’t worry. I know what I did was wrong that I should’ve come to you and mom…”

“We know that baby, but you have to give us some time. We thought we’d lost you.” Mom wiped her eyes and daddy hugged me. “But we know you’re okay baby. We love you honey that’s all this is.”

I sat there with them talking about regular stuff until daddy had to go off to work and mom had some errands to run. There was no greater sign that they did indeed trust me than they leaving me alone in the house.

I got out of bed feeling giddy and happy and walked over to the closet thinking I’d get dressed before Brandon got back, but my hands refused to turn the knob to open the door.

I backed away with the shakes and sat down hard on the bed. This is stupid Kristi, there’s nothing in there to hurt you.

I sat there staring at the glass wall that lined the outside of the walk in closet still not brave enough to go in.

I crawled backwards on the bed and pulled my knees up to my chin with my arms wrapped around them.

I did one of the exercises the doctor had told me to try whenever I was feeling stressed and fought through the shortness of breath.

I wanted Brandon! But I knew it was a different kind of danger to depend on him for everything. I’m going to have to learn how to stand on my own sometimes, but you know what, it’s okay if today was not that day.

He came through the door ten minutes later hidden behind a mountain of flowers. “You got me flowers.” The sun came out again and brightened up my world.

“Well yeah, you’re my girl. I wanted to get you some yesterday but I didn’t want to be away from you too long.” He smiled around the flowers at me.

I sniffed the roses and lilies mixed with baby’s breath before putting them on the night table and fussing with them.

He dropped down on the bed with his hands under his head. “So what girly crap are you gonna make me watch today?”

“I thought we could go outside.”

“Nope, you have one more day. I promised the doc that I’d make sure you stayed put for at least two days.”

“Speaking of which, I have to go to one of those support group things tomorrow.” I wasn’t sure I wanted to go; I didn’t feel like I needed it now.

“Okay!”

“I’m not sure I wanna go, what do you think?” He sat up and looked at me. “Babe, I don’t know much about this stuff, I just know you. I want only what’s best for you and if the doc thinks this will help then you’re going.”

“Will you come with me?”

“Of course. I’ll drive you and hang around outside until you’re done.” He talked as if this was all natural.

Like we weren’t discussing his eighteen- year old girlfriend having to go sit in a room and explain to complete strangers how she tried to end her life. Surreal.

“While we’re on the subject.” I looked towards the closet.

“What is it?” He sounded so sure of himself and I was being a complete heel.

“I can’t…” He looked from me to the door and back. “Come ‘ere.” He held out his hand and I fell into his lap.

“There’s nothing in there to hurt you, what happened came from in here.” He touched my heart. “When you’re ready I’ll walk in there with you. But there’s nothing to be afraid of.”

I thought for sure he’d force me to go since he was being all manly authoritarian, but he didn’t. Instead he took me downstairs wrapped in a robe that he got from the bathroom with my nightie underneath.

He sat me on the kitchen island and made me breakfast which we enjoyed sitting in the breakfast room overlooking the back garden.

“My parents want to come see you. Mom’s already going ape shit over wedding plans and I don’t want no part of that.”

“What do you mean? It’s your wedding too, of course you have to help us plan.”

“Nope, not gonna happen. I thought we were just gonna you know, have it in the backyard here or over there, but she and your mom are talking chapels and receptions and nope.”

“You’re such a guy.”

“Damn straight.”

“How do they feel…you know, about me and what I did?”

“They love you baby, always have always will. Plus you’re mine they don’t have a choice, we’re a package deal.” How does he always know what to say?

For the rest of the day we watched movies in bed. Not once did the incident come up and I didn’t feel the proverbial elephant in the room.

There was only one thing still plaguing me and that was going back to school in a few days. I knew he said I could tell him everything but I’d already hit him with the closet thing and I didn’t want to be a baby.

“What is it sweets?” He squeezed my shoulder and looked down at me after pausing the movie. “I don’t want you to think I’m a baby.”

“I already think that, you’re my baby. Now what gives?”

“School, I’m still a little nervous about how everyone’s gonna react.”

I expected him to tell me again not to worry, that it’ll be okay. “You’re gonna feel this way until you get the first day under your belt. We’ll take it one day at a time.” He kissed my fingers and held me closer.

“Just remember, you don’t owe them shit, and one of them just might be responsible for those pictures. I don’t say that to worry you, that’s my job. I just don’t want you stressing over them.”

“Makes sense!” I went back to the movie but it still played heavily on my mind. I laughed at the antics on the screen but my heart wasn’t really in it.

I thought I had him fooled but when he turned the movie off and put me on my back beneath him I knew I’d failed miserably.

“I guess I’ll just have to take your mind off of it. I know you’re still sore so I’ll go slow.” It was better than the first time. There was no pain and no uncertainty.

With each stroke into my body my heart grew fuller and a little more of the dark void that had been opened inside me was filled with love and light.

It seems he’d found the cure at least for that little problem. For the rest of the day, each time I got down in the dumps, he’d just roll over on top of me and take me away.

It worked until he realized by the fourth time that I was just doing it to get him to take me. “You little sneak, all you have to do is ask.”

I wore him out until we heard mom return. I had to open the windows and spray the room to get rid of the smell of sex and just to be on the safe side I went to the top of the stairs and called down to her.

Once she knew that I was fine and about to head into the shower there was no need to come up. I wanted us to sneak into the shower but he wouldn’t agree. Instead he went downstairs and came back when I was done to take his.

* * *

The support group wasn’t the nightmare I thought it was gonna be. In fact I felt much better sitting there listening to others who’d experienced the same thing I had.

The real eye opener was listening to the family and loved ones of the people who’d tried to take their life. The grief, sadness, anger.

It hurt to realize that mom and dad, and even Brandon might be blaming themselves for what I’d done. None of them had come out and said the things I heard in that room, but how could they not feel it?

I was quiet on the ride back and he left me to my thoughts. “Why do people blame themselves when someone tries or does kill themselves?”

He took a minute to answer and I knew he was just searching for the right words. “Because they feel like they messed up. Like they missed something that they should’ve seen. That’s not always the case, but this time I think it’s true.”

His jaw clenched and I knew that he was thinking of the way he’d treated me. Only a few days ago I’d thought he deserved to feel that way, now I know that I was wrong.

“I shut you out and it hurt. You didn’t think you could tell your parents because you couldn’t bear to disappoint them. But now you know that we value you more than anything else in the world, and no matter what, we’re here for you. Not everyone has that.”

I sat back and contemplated his words, “But that doesn’t let you off the hook. You’re a strong beautiful girl who had something awful happen to you. What you have to get from this is how you plan to handle things going forward.”

“How did you become so smart? It’s like you always know exactly the right thing to say.” How had I become so lucky? Is this what people mean by a second chance?

“It’s called love baby. I love you so much that the thought of losing you tears me up inside. If me owning up to my part helps you then hell yeah. Besides, it’s the truth.”

That night Brandon and dad sat together in the den with their heads together while I helped mom in the kitchen.

His parents were coming over in a little while and I was nervous as hell. How much did they know? How do they feel about their son spending the rest of his life with someone who’d done what I did?

Mom and dad hadn’t been at all surprised, by the ring on my finger. But I wasn’t sure how his parents were going to take it regardless of what he’d said.

I needn’t have worried. I should’ve known that Brandon would’ve made sure that everything went smoothly.

We talked, and laughed and laughed some more when the men disappeared as soon as his mom brought up wedding planning.

And when his parents pulled me aside before leaving and told me I could always come to them if I needed them, I felt the last bit of anxiety leave me.

His mom even apologized for her son’s behavior, which meant he’d told them the truth about his actions. All in all it was a great evening.

“Okay you, I promised you a night drive last night but we never got around to it. Go grab a jacket.” I balked at his suggestion but he was the only one who caught it.

“Better yet.” He took off his high school letter jacket and put it around my shoulders. The thing swallowed me up but it was better than going into my closet. I wasn’t ready for that yet.

Mom and dad said they were turning in early and to just turn out the porch light when we came in. I left my house with my hand in his wondering again how I’d gotten this lucky. I almost expected the other shoe to drop, because things were going too well.