I had scoured my house just like I had Ben’s. Every single drawer. Every single inch of closet space. Twice. Because the first time my vision was blurred with tears. The second look further proved what I had feared. There was no box. There was no evidence of his abuse. Just my own memories. And who would believe the words of a lunatic?

I was terrified to turn my phone back on. As soon as I did, I’d know if Ben was real. He would have texted me. We had such a lovely evening together. And then I left so suddenly. He’d be worried. Right?

Every minute that passed made me feel like I was slipping away. And maybe I was. I had been staring at the basement door for over half an hour. My body was paralyzed. My eyes stuck on the bolted lock.

I wasn’t scared to go into Ben’s basement. If anything, I had been so eager that I had almost ruined my relationship with him. Hell, maybe I had. Maybe he had seen the scratch marks on the knob. Or my broken bobby pin on the stairs. Or maybe none of that had even happened. That thought was the most horrifying.

But my basement? I wanted nothing to do with it. Basements were for intruders and items of the past. I was scared of both. Despite what I had said to Dr. Nash, I wasn’t over my past. I wasn’t over that night. How could I be? Every mistake I had made in my life had led me to this moment. And this moment was hell.

Unlock the door. I lifted my hand up to the lock. I cringed when my fingers touched the metal. I pulled my hand down. Today had been bad enough. Why did I want to make it worse? The box wouldn’t be down there. Because the box didn’t exist. I folded my arms across my chest and stepped back.

I needed sleep. I needed…I didn’t know what I needed. No, that wasn’t true. What I needed was Ben. The thought made me want to cry again. I cared way more about Ben than I did about the box. And that was terrifying too. I barely knew him. Why did I care so much? He couldn’t help me out of this mess. Continuing our relationship would only make it worse.

But that didn’t stop me from walking back to the kitchen and picking up my phone. It was as difficult as unlocking the basement door. I forced my thumb down on the power button.

Please be real. God, please. It felt like my whole body was pulsing. My heartbeat was everywhere. In my ears. In my throat.

The screen turned on. And…nothing. I blinked. Dr. Nash was right about everything. Every. Single. Thing. I would have started crying again, but I didn’t think it was possible. The medicine had taken full effect. It was hard to cry when I was numb.

So instead, I screamed at the top of my lungs. I screamed until my throat ached.

And I threw my phone against the stupid white wall. It made a cracking noise and fell to the floor. I screamed again and choked on the noise. My next scream sounded like a wounded animal. That’s what my husband had turned me into. An animal. He had stolen everything from me. I opened my mouth to scream again but only made the tiniest peep.

Because my phone buzzed and danced across the tiled floor. And then it buzzed again. And again.

I flew to the ground and looked down at the cracked screen. The tears that didn’t come with agony somehow came with joy. Maybe my medicine couldn’t dull every emotion. It was just rare for me to experience joy when I was doped up. I wiped underneath my eyes and clicked on the text from the unknown number. It had come in four hours ago. Probably several minutes after I had left Ben’s house. My phone just hadn’t loaded the messages yet.

“It was definitely memorable. Although, our second date could be mind-blowing. I never did find out your favorite food. Maybe I’ll just prepare an assortment of meats for you for dinner tonight.”

I smiled. He didn’t ask if I wanted to come to dinner. He basically just told me it’s what was happening. I wiped away the remaining tears and clicked on the next message. It was from an hour after the first.

“It’s Ben by the way. In case you didn’t get that. You said something came up. Is everything okay?”

He was worried. For some reason that comforted me. I never had anyone in my life to worry before. At least, anyone I believed. Because my husband claimed he worried. But he only truly cared about himself. I clicked on Ben’s last message.

“Addy, you can’t exactly ghost me. I know where you live.”

I laughed and typed out a response. “I wouldn’t dare. I’m sorry, I had an appointment I forgot about.” I pressed the backspace until what I had typed disappeared. I didn’t want him to ask about my appointment. Honestly, I didn’t want to talk at all. I wanted to feel his strong arms around me. I wanted to feel whole for just one moment.

“You already have the only meat I want. Do you want to come over?” I pressed send before I chickened out.

I only had to wait one agonizing minute before my phone buzzed back to life.

“Do you want me to come in your back door?”

I laughed. The sexual innuendo wasn’t lost on me. But I actually wanted him to use the literal back door. “Absolutely.” I pressed send. I needed to get out of this ugly dress and into something a little more…me.