Fourteen

 

 

eat had arrived in less than half an hour after I texted her. When Ben let her in, I was standing at the back window, dripping wet and still scrubbing the same pot I had been before I’d run after Cole.

“What the hell happened?” Ben asked, the same way he’d been asking since I walked back in.

“Benny, just give the girls some space, yeah?” Beat said kindly. As nosy as my little brother was, he seemed to realise this was something even his terribly funny self couldn’t help with and he left us be. “Rory, put the pot down. The water’s cold anyway. We need to get you warm and dry.”

I nodded, sighing, and let Beat lead me up the stairs to my bathroom. She helped me peel myself out of my wet clothes and bundled me into the shower, all while keeping my dignity. While I stood under the hot water, she sat on the side of the tub and talked to me about her study, about Cassidy and Rachel and their poor attempt at doing some practice exams, and anything and everything else that might take my mind off Cole.

After I was warm and less zombie-like, Beat got me dressed and we sat on my bed, her arm around me protectively. It felt very much like the way we’d been after she found out her parents were getting divorced; only she was me this time.

“Beat…” I started.

“Shh…you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

But, I did. I needed to talk it through. I told her everything he’d said, everything he’d done, the whole time we’d known each other. Finally, I finished with that afternoon’s events. Beat hugged me tighter and I heard her indrawn breath.

“Do you still love him?” she asked slowly.

“Does it make me really lame if I say yes?”

Beat laughed sadly. “No, Rory, it doesn’t. You don’t just stop loving someone.”

“He did.”

Beat’s laugh was much more humoured this time. “So he says.”

“You think he lied?”

She shrugged and kissed my hair. “I don’t know for sure, hun. But, it sounds an awful lot like he thought he was being gallant.”

“So, what do I do?”

“Nothing,” Beat replied. “You get on with your life, be fabulous, pretend he hasn’t hurt you; he’ll either realise the mistake he’s made and come crawling back….”

“Or?”

“Or, he doesn’t deserve you.”

“And, I just pretend I’m okay with that?”

She nodded. “What else can you do? You’re not the kind of girl to throw your life away for want of a man. You have dreams, you have ambitions. Follow them. Show him you might love him until the end of time, but you won’t let him ruin your life.”

I chuckled, but felt sad for her. “Sounds like you’re speaking from experience.”

“I might be. But, you know I’m right.”

I squared my shoulders. She was; maybe, like she said, I’d love Cole until the end of time. But, if he was too stupid to realise I was good for him – that we were good together – then that was his problem. It wouldn’t be mine. I’d get on with my life. I had to.

I turned to Beat, grinning.

“You’re allowed to be sad, you know,” she laughed. “You don’t need to be happy right away.”

“I know. But, if I’m honest, I lost him over a week ago. I’ve spent enough time worrying and being sad. Now, I’m just angry. Besides, that was a week’s worth of the shittest studying, and I’m falling behind.”

Beat laughed, but there was a touch of sadness in her eyes and I wondered if she was thinking about Becca. “You’ll be all right, Rory, won’t you?”

I nodded. “Yeah, I will.”

I wasn’t feeling quite as positive as I let myself sound, but I wanted to be. I just didn’t have time to wallow in my first important break up and lament over the relationship I could have had with Cole. I needed to live for me. I needed to study for my exams.

And, so, I did.

Cassidy, Rachel, and Beat came over to study every few days for the rest of the holidays. Sometimes, we sprawled on the grass in the park, soaking up the sunshine and trying to cram Maths, English, Psychology, and everything else into our brains. We saw Cole a couple of times. He passed us as though nothing had ever happened. It was the second week of Term 2 all over again with the smirks and nods. Cassidy stoically ignored him; informing me she thought I was well shot of him. Rachel agreed wholeheartedly. Beat, though, knew better; she smiled with the others and merely said it was his loss.

On the last Sunday before Term 4 started, we were outside again. Cole walked past with Matt, who rushed over to say hi. Cole followed him with a slow swagger.

“Aura!” Matt smiled. “I haven’t seen you in ages.”

“No, sorry about that, I’ve been busy with study.”

“I get it,” he said, shrugging.

“Matty, come on, stop bothering people,” Cole said as he came up behind his brother.

Up close, I could see what looked like a hicky on his neck. I felt an uncomfortable twinge in my stomach, but smiled at him in what I hoped was condescending politeness.

“Matt doesn’t bother people, Cole. It’s always good to see him,” I replied.

Cole looked at me, heat burning in his eyes. I couldn’t tell if he was sorry for what happened, still cared for me, or whether he’d just moved on with his life. I then realised that, from that angle, he had a clear view down my dress and that was what had his rapt attention. I put my hand on my neckline and glared at him. He winked before pulling Matt away.

I held a hand up to Cassidy. “I know, but I don’t want to talk about it right now,” I said tiredly.

I could feel her fume from beside me. But, “all right” was all she said.

Beat and I exchanged surprised glances as we got back to study.

 

¢

 

Back to school was less awkward than I’d thought it would be and I found it quite easy to stick to my resolution.

I’d promised myself that I would act as indifferently as he did. If he thought sarcasm and jokes were all we were now, I was only happy to reciprocate. Part of me found it a cathartic way to deal with my anger, and part of me yearned for any amount of contact with him.

I barely had to see him on Monday, we passed each other a few times, but there were no instances where we were forced to talk. Declan, Mike and Patrick were great about it; they obviously knew and had mixed feelings since Cole was in Declan’s band. But, they said nothing about it and treated me no differently than they had last term, or even last year.

Tuesday, though was an entirely difference kettle of fish.

In English, Matron Peters told us to find our study partner and start a review of our year’s work. Apparently, it was going to make up a lot of the next two week’s lessons.

“You’ll be fine. Remember he’s a jackarse,” Beat whispered as I collected my things.

I stifled my laugh and went to sit with Cole. He smirked at me as I sat, and I was all too aware how my summer uniform clung to my body; it was getting too tight but, with six weeks left, I’d refused to get a new one.

“Shut up, I don’t want to hear it,” I said, flashing him a warning look.

“You know; I don’t know what I like you in best. There’s mud, water-logged t-shirts that make you look like you’re not wearing anything, dresses which show off your fine cleavage…or this,” he indicated me with a wave of his hand, “the uniform that looks like a second skin ready to burst apart at the seams.”

“When you’re done with the sexual harassment, Mister Fielding, we can get to work,” I replied.

“Almost.” He gave me one more approving look. “You have a rockin’ bod.”

As much as a part of me liked he thought that, I smiled politely. “I’m quite sure Hicky Girl’s bod is much nicer.”

His smile faltered slightly and I had the impression that I wasn’t supposed to know about Hicky Girl – Cassidy’s affectionate term for the girl, or girls, he was with now. Which, despite the pang in my chest, made me grin harder.

“You want to be more careful if you don’t want me to know you’re running around with other girls, Cole.”

He shrugged, failing at feigning nonchalance. “Would it bother you if I was?”

“Why should it? You dumped me weeks ago; you can run around with whoever you like,” I replied. Although, it did bother me a little. But, I realised it didn’t bother me as much as it should.

“What about you?”

“What about me?”

“Spent the night with anyone else?” He winked.

I rolled my eyes at him. “That is none of your business. Some of us don’t parade our new relationships around the place.”

He scoffed. “I wouldn’t call what I’m doing a relationship, Hannibal.”

And, I realised, in that moment, why I wasn’t as bothered as I felt I should be. A ridiculous part of me was still hoping his behaviour the last few weeks had been an act, that he’d wake up and realise he didn’t need to protect me, he’d magically work out he wasn’t his father, and he’d come back to me as long as I gave him the time he needed. I still lived in hope that we were getting back together and this was just temporary, that all my hurt would be nothing when, years from now, we were still together.

Get a grip, Aurora, I told myself, you can’t think that way. Move on.

A new sadness washed over me, a deeper, slower one than I’d felt before. But, I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of seeing it.

Knowing I couldn’t let that part of me wait for him, I put on my best sultry smile. “Neither would I.” And, I winked at him slowly, implication heavy in my tone.

I saw a flash of hurt cross his face, but reminded myself it was nothing worse than what he was doing to me.

But, he has other, deeper hurts, a voice reminded me, and I felt a little bit guilty then.

But, the guilt didn’t last long. Cole wouldn’t want me to make allowances for him. I knew he had expectations about how people saw him; I knew full well he’d given in to those expectations. So, I was going to be no different. He wanted me to think he was a jerk? Fine, I’d treat him like a jerk.

And, try to convince my heart he was, along the way…

We got through the rest of class with little incident, Cole even seemed like he’d paid attention over the year, as though he’d actually been applying himself. I made no comment, just kept my discussion on our topics as I wrote down brief descriptions for each of them. Maybe focussing on work was easier than not? Maybe he’d actually decided to apply himself in life? Maybe it was just another way for him to tease me?

When the bell rang, I packed up my things and swept out without another word to him, I didn’t even wait for the girls. I just needed a moment to collect myself. One moment of weakness where I let the tears fall, then I could get through the rest of the day.

I didn’t make it to the bathroom, though. Jaime ambushed me in the hallway when he stepped in front of me, blocking me against someone’s locker. I looked past him, desperately hoping whoever’s locker it was, would want it right then.

“What do you want, Jaime?” I asked, and blinked as he put a hand on the locker behind me.

“I heard about you and Cole. So sad,” he said, his eyes hooded as though he was trying to be sexy.

“Uh…sure. It is what it is.” I tried to duck out from behind him, but he put his other hand on the locker behind me, locking me between his arms. “Jaime…?”

He smiled and leant towards me. “I was thinking we could go out on the weekend? I hear you’re busy Saturday, but maybe Friday?”

“Um… Jaime, did we not agree that there wasn’t anything between us? I’m sure we did, just before you went off with my arch nemesis.” I nodded adamantly.

He kept leaning towards me slowly. “There’s something between us, even if it’s not long-term material. We can just have a bit of fun,” he said and I was quite sure he was about to kiss me.

“Jaime!” I said, putting my hands up to push him away, but he was stronger than me and too close for me to get any leverage.

“I can please you better than he ever did,” he said, and then he kissed me.

It took me a moment to register what he’d meant; he thought I’d slept with Cole and just wanted to have sex with me too. I felt rage burn through me, sick of the men – not even men, boys – in my life making decisions for me, making assumptions about me, and just generally not being decent human beings.

With a yell, I pushed him backwards and punched him square in the face. Pain burst like a thousand stars in my hand, but the look on his face and my heart beating in my ears dulled it. I pointed at him with my uninjured hand, feeling flushed and more angry than I’d ever been in my life.

“Don’t you ever proposition me again, you jackarse. Aside from the fact I doubt you’d have the first idea how to pleasure anyone, you are repulsive. You want to sleep with someone? You date them, you be a gentleman, you be a nice guy and, if you’re lucky, after a while they’ll realise that and maybe want to sleep with you. You do not ambush them in a school hallway at lunch, tell them you just want some fun, then kiss them like it’s your right! What gives teenage boys the idea that we don’t need to be romanced? That we don’t want someone special? Seriously! What the hell gives you lot the idea all we want is a quickie before you’re done with us? I wouldn’t even wish you on Kelly!” I finished, my voice loud and my breathing hard. There were hands on my shoulders.

I realised I’d drawn a crowd. Most of them clapped and cheered after I finished my tirade – I noticed Kelly Preston was one of them. Jaime looked mortified, a bruise already spreading on his jaw where I’d hit him.

“I’m sorry, Rory,” he said, honestly sounding like he meant it, before he turned and walked away.

With him gone, I had a clear view of the hallway and the upturned collar that was walking in the other direction.

My eyes prickled hot again and my heart raced.

“Okay, slugger, let’s get you to the nurse,” I heard Beat say.

I turned to find they were her hands on my shoulders.

“What?” I asked.

“Your hand, Rory,” she said and looked down.

I followed her gaze and saw my hand was not in great shape for the upcoming exams. My knuckles were very red with a faint blue and green tinge already, especially on my ring finger. As I looked at it, I started to feel the pain and nodded.

“Okay. Nurse,” I agreed.

The nurse, who I’d seen on many occasions from soccer-related injuries, smiled at me as we walked in.

“I don’t usually see you girls at this time of year.” She smiled, until Beat showed her my hand. “What did you do, dear?” She had a look over it.

“She punched a sexist jerk,” Beat replied happily.

“Well, you’ll need x-rays to confirm, but I suspect a fracture at worst, which is a small price to pay to put egotistical men in their place,” she said, making an attempt at humour.

“You don’t have a lot of hand-writing coming up,” I muttered, tiredness taking over all my anger and sadness.

 

¢

 

It felt weird not having soccer to fall back on. No practices, no coaching, no games. It was one less thing to help me take my mind off my worries and now a bunged-up finger; it wasn’t broken, but, apparently, there was a hairline fracture or something and it wouldn’t take much force to break it now.

Beat made extra notes in class for me, which we photocopied so I could take a set home – not that I intended to do much studying without her in the next few weeks.

I avoided both boys as much as possible. Jaime wasn’t difficult; every time he saw me, his face fell in regret and shame, he’d spin in the opposite direction and practically run away from me. I had hoped a similar reaction might occur in Cole, since he’d seen fit to just walk away while I was having my confrontation with Jaime.

But, no such luck.

I’d tried in vain to get Matron Peters to give me a new partner, but she wouldn’t have it.

“It’s only one more week, Miss Daniels, and he needs it. You know, he actually handed in his Dorian Gray essay? On time, too.”

I blinked, it was the one I was going to read before his dad had stabbed him and he’d stopped speaking to me.

“Did he?”

“Yes, and he scored highly. I chalk that up to the influence you have over him. He can be so much more, Miss Daniels, please just get him through the next week? Remind him of what he can achieve.”

She looked at me with such hope and belief that I didn’t have the heart to tell her there was no more reminding him – he’d chosen his path, and nothing I could ever say was going to change that.

“I’ll try.”

“That’s all we can ever do, dear.” Matron Peters smiled at me and ushered me to go and find Cole.

We were in the library again – sometimes I thought Matron Peters just didn’t like her classroom very much.

“You’re going to have to pull your weight,” I said as I slammed myself down next to Cole and held up my injured hand. “I can’t write yet.”

“And you criticise me for getting into fights.” He smirked.

“Shut up and focus on the list,” I said, pulling my book awkwardly from my bag.

When I had it on the table, I sighed. I don’t know why I even bothered; it wasn’t like I could write in it anyway. I lay my head on the table.

“Okay,” he said, his pen poised, “possible themes for the exam in Pride and Prejudice?”

“Idiocy,” I mumbled. “Pigheadedness. Dishonesty. Did I mention stupidness?”

“I’m not sure those are what Matron is looking for…” he said slowly, not even a touch of humour to his tone.

“I’m sure I can make a pretty convincing argument.”

“Aura…”

My heart didn’t even bother fluttering at the compassion in his voice, it just flopped about a little like a half-hearted dying fish and gave up. Maybe I was finally over him? Maybe I was resigned to the fact we weren’t going to be together? Maybe I was starting to believe that he was really just his father?

I dared to look at him, turning my head on the table, and regretted it instantly. His hand hovered as though he was going to touch me, then he snatched it away. His eyes betrayed a world of pain, but I had no idea what caused it; God knew he had plenty of reasons in his life. I would just never know if I was one of them.

We were tucked into a corner of the library, behind a row of shelves, and it gave me a confidence I didn’t think I actually owned.

“What is this, Cole?”

He looked at me startled and I turned my head away again to stare at the lines of my notebook. He didn’t say anything for a moment. Finally, he sighed.

“It’s nothing, Hannibal.”

I felt, if I looked at him, his expression would belie the calm confidence in his voice. I didn’t need any reason to keep hoping this was all an act, so I didn’t look.

“Good, I thought perhaps it was just me.”

“What?”

“I was starting to think I was the only one who remembered this was over.”

“Of course, it’s over, Hannibal,” he said roughly. “There’s no point dragging this out and going over it again. One more week of civility and then we never have to see each other again.”

I nodded, my head still planted on my book. He was right and, by the only dull twinge in my chest, I was well and truly starting to believe in what he was selling.

“Stubbornness, misjudging, lack of faith, family love, romantic love.”

“What?”

“Possible themes for the exam,” I replied.

I heard him take a deep, shaky breath, then his pen scratching on the paper. “Righto. Of course.”

The fact I could have been talking about us was not lost on me either.

 

¢

 

“We are going out and that’s final,” Cassidy said as we sat around the grass, not doing any study at all and just enjoying the sunshine.

“If Rory’s not up to it, we don’t have to,” Rachel said.

“True, Cass. We can just stay in?” Beat nodded. “It is half the plan anyway.”

“What Rory needs now is some fun, a night out where she doesn’t have to think about him or exams.” Cassidy flicked her thick blonde braid over her shoulder.

“I think Rory’s capable of making her own decisions,” Beat said, pursing her lips.

“She is, and she wants to go out,” I said, smiling at their faces.

“Are you sure?” Beat asked.

“I’m not dying, I’m not sick, I just broke up with my boyfriend. Going out might be good,” I replied. “Besides, it’s my birthday, and I’m the adult now, which means you all have to do as I say.”

They laughed.

“What it means, is you can legally buy us alcohol now.”

I pretended to be outraged, my hand to my chest. “Is that all I am to you? Legal booze? I’m offended!”

“No.” Cassidy smiled. “We have Declan for that, too.”

“You have Declan for quite a few things,” I responded, my eyebrows waggling.

“True, so what do I have you for?” She smiled, taking all the sting out of her joke.

I stuck my tongue out at her and threw a blue vine at her – I’d already received so many packets that I could spare one. We fell about in giggles.

I took deep breaths, trying to stem the flow of giggles.

“No, but seriously, where are we going tonight? I need to know what to wear.” I looked at them.

“Never you fear, birthday girl, it has all been planned for you.” Beat smiled.

“I’m going to regret this aren’t I?” I laughed.

“Not at all.” Cassidy pouted. “We have everything organised. Outfit is upstairs in your room. The four of us are going to dinner while things are set up here and then we’re going to hang out and eat blue junk food.” Cassidy still got a slight nose-wrinkle of disgust when she said it, and it made me all the more appreciative of what she was doing.

“I get the feeling it won’t just be us hanging around?” I prodded slowly.

“You’ll just have to wait and find out,” she huffed, a trace of a smile at her lips.

I smiled, but my gaze wandered in the direction of Phyllis’. I knew Ben and Matt were hanging out today and I wondered what they were doing; if they’d seen Cole, or if Ben had even spoken to Cole since everything went down. I sighed and joined back into whatever conversation the girls were having, my mind still half on Cole.

I’d well and truly given up on him. Or, at least, that’s what I was happy to tell myself. I guessed I would in time, anyway. What was that thing? Positive thoughts? Where you believe what you want to happen and it will. Maybe I was doing that? Or, maybe I was just getting really good at lying to myself? I seemed to have convinced the girls I was okay, so my dishonesty skills were obviously improving.

I figured Cole wouldn’t be the last guy I fell in love with in my life. In fact, he probably wouldn’t be the last guy I’d lose that I’d fallen in love with. So, really, there was something good in getting it out of the way now. It left me much more cynical and ready for the next, presumably deeper, hurt that was coming.

“Rory, are you listening?” Beat nudged me,

“Sorry, I thought I was, but totally wasn’t.” I shook my head.

Beat smiled. “We were just asking-”

“Incoming!” I heard Ben’s call just before I got a soccer ball to the head.

“Dude!” I yelled, getting up and running at him.

As I picked him up around the middle and swung him around, he squealed in a way I knew the thirteen-year-old in him would be deathly embarrassed by. Then again, the thirteen-year-old in him was probably embarrassed by his big sister picking him up in public.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” he gasped amidst laughter.

I put him down and scowled at him. “Dude, it’s my birthday!”

“I know.” He smiled. “That’s why we’re here.”

“What?” I asked, looking around.

That’s when I realised that Matt stood a little way off, a huge bunch of flowers in his hands and a self-conscious smile on his face. I smiled at him.

“Matty, what are these?” I asked, kneeling in front of him.

His grin widened and he held the flowers out for me. “For your birthday, Aura.”

I looked closer at them and couldn’t believe I hadn’t noticed before; it was a lolly bouquet made up, primarily, of blue lollies. And, it was huge.

“Oh Matty, they’re great!” I smiled, taking them – they were bloody heavy. I gave him a huge hug and a kiss on the cheek.

When I pulled away, he was blushing furiously. “They’re from all of us. Grandma thought you’d like them. She wanted to get you something else as well, but Cole told her you’d like this better.”

The way he spoke so easily about Cole made me wonder just how much he did or didn’t know about what happened between us. Ben gave me a slow smile and I found I wasn’t all that upset by it. Maybe Cole didn’t love me, but at least he seemed to think we could be friends of sorts.

“I love them, Matty, thank you,” I said, kissing his cheek again then standing up before my legs gave out from squatting. “I’ll pop by later and thank your grandma.”

He nodded happily. “She’ll be at the party later!”

I looked to Ben, then Cassidy, but they looked away from me. I wondered just how big this party was going to be and who was going to be there. I smirked, thinking that at least I was lucky enough to have friends that cared about me and wanted to give me a good party. I guess a girl wasn’t eighteen every day.