Sixteen

 

 

y plan of attack was simple, in theory.

I couldn’t really talk to him at school, it was awkward, and, really, who knew who was listening. No, I needed to set up the idea that he was a decent person during our last few English study buddy sessions, then it would be up to the formal for a last ditch effort to convince him.

Sound like a terrible plan? Why, thank you, I thought so, too. Unfortunately, our time was short and options limited.

“Are you sure you want to go through with this?” Cassidy asked again at Recess on Tuesday.

I nodded. “I have to try. If I don’t, I’m going to spend the rest of my life in Maybe Land going through all the scenarios of where I’d be if I hadn’t chickened out. If it doesn’t work, then I know I did everything I could.”

To my surprise, Cassidy nodded. “Then, I’m behind you.”

I’d shown the girls my gift after I’d started formulating my plan. I could tell each one of them saw it for what it was, but they all kept their looks guarded and I knew they were trying to protect me. Well, all expect Beat, who’d had her head in the toilet for the rest of the day, but had given me the thumbs up while she retched her guts out.

“All right. We begin in English.” Beat smiled.

I smiled and the bell went. Nerves flooded me again and I regretted all the water I’d drunk and the three coffees that morning.

“I just need to pee; I’ll meet you at the library,” I said.

They nodded and I took my detour. As I walked into the library, Jaime stopped me. I scowled at him. It was the first time he’d tried to speak to me since I’d punched him the week before. My hand still didn’t flex properly and I was seriously hoping he wouldn’t give me any reason to risk breaking my hand three weeks before exams.

“Just… Hear me out.”

“I’d really rather not,” I replied, trying to move past him. He grabbed my arm and I whirled around. “You touch me again, Jaime Sullivan, and you’ll wish the only thing I hit was your face,” I snarled, surprised by my tone, and remembering Cole telling him something similar once.

I could tell he was as well by the speed with which he pulled his hand back.

“I just wanted to tell you again I’m sorry,” he said.

“I don’t care,” I replied, walking away.

Beat gave me a quizzical look as I passed her, but I shook my head. Cole had undoubtedly seen the whole thing – no ability to walk away this time – but his face looked neutral before he looked down at his work.

“How’s the hand?” he asked.

“Shit useless,” I grumbled, so not feeling the positive ‘go get him’ attitude I’d had before Jaime got in my way.

I looked back to Beat, who gave me a thumbs up and an encouraging smile. I smiled back, but only half-heartedly.

“Damn.” He passed me a stack of papers.

“What’s this?”

He shrugged. “Notes. Thought you could use them if you can’t make your own at the moment.”

Here it was, the perfect way to open with my convincing. But, my mind was a blank. I opened my mouth a few times, trying to find the words I wanted to say. He looked up at me, about to say something else, and then cocked an eyebrow at me as though I was mad. Maybe I was.

“I…uh… Thanks…” I stuttered, finally shutting my mouth.

He smiled as though placating me. “That’s okay.”

Beat had, for some reason, circled us, and was walking past, a question on her face. I scratched the back of my head while I shook it, trying to hide the action. Cole noticed though and looked between us.

“Is there something I need to know about? Something I might be keeping you from?” he asked.

“No, no.” I jumped as my phone vibrated and my laugh was totally fake. “Why would there be? We’ve got study to do. Yay, study!”

“With anyone else that would be suspicious…” he said slowly. “With you, it’s just mildly odd.” He shook his head. “‘I have been used to consider poetry as "the food of love”’.”

“What?”

“Mister Darcy…” he started.

“I know it’s Darcy. But, we’re not doing Austen today, are we?” I asked, feeling completely off kilter.

“No, poetry… I was just…showing off.” He grinned.

What was he so normal one minute, then entirely odd the next? I wondered, giving him a small smile.

“Okay, so, poetry…” he said, flipping pages in his notebook.

I zoned out slightly as I caught Cassidy’s look. I tried to indicate it wasn’t working and hoped she’d send help. No such luck, though. She merely looked at me as though she had no idea what I could be saying.

“We could do this another time?” Cole interrupted my frantic head jerks.

“What?” I turned around, trying desperately to feign nonchalance. “No, sorry, paying attention.”

He smirked. “I never thought I’d see the day when I was studying harder than you.”

“I’m sure it’s a very rare occurrence. Even geniuses are allowed off days.”

“You’re a genius now?”

“God, no!” I laughed and he joined me.

“I think you’re very smart,” he said.

For a second it was like old times, then I caught Rachel’s look of hope and I couldn’t help but feel me dashing my own. Maybe this had been a terrible plan? Maybe it wouldn’t matter what I said? Maybe it would all be for nothing?

You knew that was a serious option going in, I reminded myself.

I remembered how positive I’d been after Recess, how confidant I was going to be with him. I was going to hint at all the reasons why he was a good person, I was finally going to make him see he wasn’t what his father wanted to make him, that he could be anyone, anything he wanted. You can do this. I cleared my throat. He looked at me with that familiar adorable smirk and I lost my nerve again, the butterflies going crazy against the bars of their cage.

“What is up with you today?” he asked. “I know Jaime’s an arsehole, but I wouldn’t have thought he’d make you so…jittery.” His tone belied the hardness in his eyes.

“I… Oh, God. Never mind.” I shook my head and, out of habit, picked up my pen. I tried writing ‘poetry’ at the top of the page, but it looked like a three-year-old had written it and my hand got cramp.

“What’s wrong?” I felt his hand on my arm and looked in him the eye.

“You’re a better man than you know, Cole Fielding,” was all I said before changing the subject abruptly to poetry.

I felt dejected and annoyed, and I’m not sure I was able to keep it from my face or posture. Cole said nothing, so I hoped he didn’t notice anything. Beat, on the other hand, seemed to miss nothing. And, she made sure I knew that after class.

 

¢

 

The lesson on Wednesday went terribly again.

At lunch, we devised a new plan of attack.

“As long as we keep bloody Jaime Sullivan out of my face, I won’t lose my shit to begin with,” I grumbled.

“I wouldn’t say you lost your shit,” Rachel said.

“No, but it put her right off her game,” Cassidy replied.

“Hey, have you guys seen Cole today?” Declan asked, coming over to us.

“Briefly, but I can’t say we paid attention,” Beat answered nonchalantly, shooting a glance at me.

“Hm…” Declan looked like he was going to put a pin in that for a moment. “Well, you guys may be interested to know what happened after school yesterday.”

“What happened after school yesterday?” I asked. Something akin to fear surged through me, but it wasn’t that I was afraid… I couldn’t quite place the feeling but adrenalin was involved.

Declan smiled. “Cole and Jaime had…an altercation.”

“What?” the four of us blurted out.

Declan nodded. “Yep, most of the guys say it. No one really knows what started it, but they were yelling at each other and shoving each other. Mister Phillips pulled them apart before anyone started swinging serious punches. But, as they were dragged apart, Cole told Jaime not to go near you, and Jaime replied he wouldn’t have to if Cole had taken care of you properly. It was messed up, man.” Declan shook his head.

I hung mine, sighing.

“You can’t blame yourself, Rory,” Beat said. “If they’re going to fight over you, there’s nothing you can do about it.”

I felt tears prick my eyes. “Oh, don’t worry. I don’t think it has anything to do with me at all.” I stood up. “They use me as an excuse to fight each other. If either of them actually wanted me, they’d put their efforts into that.”

“Oh, Rory, you can’t think like that,” Declan sighed. “Guys are idiots. They could love you more than life itself and they wouldn’t know how to show you.”

“It’s true,” Cassidy said, jerking her thumb at Declan, who nodded vigorously. I appreciated their efforts, but I just couldn’t agree with them.

I smiled at them in a way I thought was reassuring, and nodded. “Thanks guys. I just don’t… Maybe this was a just terrible idea….” I picked up my bag and headed off for the library.

No one tried to stop me, and, for that, I was glad. I scuffed my feet along the carpet as I walked to a table. The library wasn’t packed, but it was more full than usual with a lot of us worried about our exams. I trudged to a table and flung myself down. At least, I wouldn’t see Jaime on my way in to class this time.

I pulled open Pride and Prejudice and started reading it again. I was nothing if not a sucker for punishment. At least, maybe, I could pretend Cole was Mr Darcy and he, too, was going to turn around and admit he loved me. Although, hopefully in a less insulting way. If it did go down similar to Darcy and Lizzy, I was seriously hoping we could be in the adaptation with the zombies to I could kick his arse and throw things at him.

I got sucked in, as I always did and, the next thing I knew, Beat was sitting across from me with Cassidy and Rachel. I groaned as I realised I’d never even asked Beat how things were going with Becca as a study buddy, especially after the snogging Mark debacle.

“What?” I asked them in a huff. “We were about to go to the ball.”

“We?” Beat smiled.

“Shut up,” I snorted.

“Well, we’re going to a real one on Saturday,” Cassidy said, leaning back.

“What do you guys want?” I sighed.

“We want you to reconsider your plan,” Beat said, leaning forward.

I sighed. “It’s okay, it’s done for. No more plan.”

“That’s our point. We want you to reconsider scrapping the plan,” Rachel said.

I leant forward now. “You are the ones who didn’t think he was good enough for me in the first place. Now, what? You’re on his side?” I hissed.

“We’re on your side, always,” Beat said.

“And you’re going to let me make a fool of myself?”

“You’re not going to make a fool of yourself,” Cassidy scoffed.

I rounded on her, unnaturally angry. “How the hell would you know? I could bare my heart for him and he’ll just rip it out again.”

She looked guilty as she shared a look with Rachel.

“What?” I asked. “What is going on?”

“That is a good question, girls,” Matron Peters said coming up behind us.

I leant back in my chair. “Nothing, Matron, just an argument about weekend plans.”

Matron Peters smiled. “Well, as long as you sort it out, and don’t yell in the library.”

I nodded, still glaring at my best friends in the world. I loved them, God knew I did, but I felt like the whole world was against me at the moment. I couldn’t even rely on my own study because I couldn’t write properly yet. Absent-mindedly, I flexed my hand.

“Is it still bothering you?” Cole asked, sitting down next to me. “Uh, hi girls.”

“Hi Cole.” Cassidy sounded downright pleasant and I was starting to get the impression there was something going on behind my back here.

The girls got down to study and Cole looked at me. For all the patient expectation on his face, I was feeling annoyed and ganged up on. It seemed like no one wanted to tell me what was actually going on. Not that I had time to bother about it. We had two days left of school, two weeks of study vacation, then exams.

“What?” I snapped at Cole, pulling out my notebook and starting to make seriously messy notes on the test questions Matron Peters had given us the end of last lesson.

“Nothing, all good here,” he answered, defensively

“So, how’s band practice?” Cassidy asked as she almost surreptitiously passed a folded note across the table.

“Fine. Declan doesn’t talk to you about it much?” Cole answered, surprisingly not seeming to notice the note.

I opened it while they kept talking.

Say something to him. Anything. Use the band! Like it’s great he’s doing something, making friends.

I rolled my eyes at the setup of it all. Like it wasn’t bad enough I couldn’t convince a guy to go out with me on my own, I needed my friends’ help to do it.

“Yeah,” I said, “it’s great you’re out doing something you love.”

Cassidy glared at me.

Cole laughed uncertainly. “Uh, yeah. I didn’t think I’d enjoy it, but I am. They’re a great group of guys.”

“It’s nice you’ve made friends,” I said, smiling at him, but even I could tell it wasn’t sincere.

He looked at me quizzically, shooting a glance at Cassidy, who continued to glare at me.

“Yeah…” he said slowly. “I was surprised too. That’s where you’re going with this, aren’t you? That it’s amazing the degenerate slacker made friends?”

By his tone, I knew I’d hit a nerve, and one I hadn’t intended to hit. However, in my seriously foul mood that was only getting fouler by the minute, I didn’t much care.

“Surprisingly, no, not what I meant. But, now you’ve mentioned it, yes I’m amazed you’ve managed to get along with a human being for more than five minutes!”

“Aurora!” Beat gasped. “Remember that thing we were talking about?”

“What’s got into you?” Cassidy asked, sounding and looking completely horrified.

I stood up. “Nothing. I’m fine. Why don’t you all just keep out of my business?” I picked up my things and stalked away.

I locked eyes with Matron Peters, she gave me a worried nod, and I walked out.

“Rory!” Matron Peters hurried after me.

I whirled around. “Matron, please, I… I need to go. You know I’ll do the work.”

She nodded. “I do, Rory. And I’m happy to let you go home early this once. I just wanted to make sure you were all right?”

“I will be.”

“Good, good, that’s all any of us can hope for. I’ll see you tomorrow then?”

I nodded and hurried home, feeling more and more angry as I went.

My initial plan was just turning more and more to shit each day. Maybe I should just give the whole thing up? It seemed like the easiest solution. Surely, if Cole and I were meant to be together, it wouldn’t be so hard for me to try to get him back? Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be?

I sighed as I walked in the door.

I shot Ben a quick text saying I’d gone home sick so he’d have to get himself home. Knowing him, he’d just walk home with Matt and Cole. I did miss Matt; I barely saw him these days. I wished I’d had more time and been less drunk at my party. At least I hadn’t seen Dylan or Mark since. I did wonder, though, if Mark knew he’d spent the night making out with a lesbian, and what he thought about that.

Maybe I’d give this trying to convince Cole thing one more shot? We had one more English lesson tomorrow. If I wanted to try to be natural about it, that would be my last chance. Maybe I could just go to Phyllis’ and confront him? No, no, that would be even more embarrassing and stupid.

Because your behaviour over the last couple of days hasn’t been! I laughed at myself as I climbed the stairs to my room. Still, maybe putting some of the things I wanted to say down on paper might help?

I pulled out my notebook and ripped out a page. My hand was still stiff, but my thoughts came sluggishly enough that my cramped hand could keep up. I mulled over ideas, scribbling things out and grunting in frustration. I felt like I was getting nowhere fast. At least I had a list of things I knew I didn’t want to say to him now.

“Aura?” I heard Ben call.

“Yeah, up here,” I yelled back.

“You okay?” he asked, pocking his head round the door.

“Just stress, I’m sure. You got home okay, then?”

“I walked with Matt and Cole.”

I nodded. “Matt’s good?”

“Cole, too.”

“I do see Cole you know,” I replied.

“Do you? Because he asks about you as if you never speak. Do I need to ask you what’s going on? I get you broke up, but you both seem so miserable about-”

“Just, mind your own business, Ben, okay?” I snapped. “What Cole and I do or don’t do is nobody’s business but our own. If he doesn’t want to be with me, I don’t want to be with him.”

“Uh huh…” Ben said, starting to walk away. “You keep telling yourself that,” he called back.

I reread through my scribbles.

I could keep telling myself that. I could tell myself, as much as I liked, that I didn’t want to be with Cole. But, I knew it was a lie. Maybe I should just give it one more chance? Tomorrow, in class, I’d try to say something intelligent and meaningful. Maybe I needed to plan what I was going to say? Think of something that needed no prompting, something that could be said without him even having to say anything.

Maybe, an apology? An apology, and, if that didn’t work, I’d give him a clean draft of the letter in front of me.

I’ll work on that draft now, then.

 

¢

 

“Want to tell us what that was yesterday?” Cassidy barked at Recess when we met at our table.

Well, our table for one and a half more days.

“Rory?” Beat asked.

“What?” I snapped.

“What the hell was that yesterday? That was not exactly according to plan.”

“None of it is according to plan,” I answered. “How well did you think I’d do with the three of you breathing down my neck? I’m nervous enough as it is, and I’ve wasted most of the week.”

“Well, what are you going to do?” Rachel asked.

“Is this our collective dating life now?” I sighed.

“Just tell us you have a plan?” Cassidy asked.

“I have a plan.”

“Good. What is it?”

“I’m not at liberty to discuss it.”

“Rory!”

“Fine, I’m giving it one more shot, then I’m…giving him a letter…” I finished, feeling ridiculously lame.

The girls, though, nodded.

“Well, at least you’re doing something.” Cassidy nodded. “Can we read the letter?”

I blushed, thinking of all the things I said in it. “No, you can’t.”

“Oh, it’s a good one then.” Beat smiled, taking my arm.

I shrugged. “I don’t know about that, but if I freak out again, it’s my last chance.”

We headed back to class and I paced back and forth next to the corner table I’d secured. I heard Cassidy tell Cole where I was, but didn’t manage to stop pacing in time. He was standing, staring at me when I did stop.

“I didn’t think I was that late.” He smiled, putting his bag down.

“Oh, no, it’s… Hi,” I said, smiling back.

He chuckled. “Hi.”

“How are you?”

“Fine. How are you?”

“Fine,” I said, sitting down. He followed suit.

“If this is about Tuesday, I’m sorry…” he said.

“What?”

“Tuesday… The, uh, fight I had with Jaime. If it bothered you…?”

I’d actually forgotten about it among all my madness. “What? No, why would it bother me?”

“You just seemed…angry yesterday.”

I tried to laugh casually. “Yeah, well. You know women.”

“So, it didn’t bother you?” he asked, sounding confused.

I opened my mouth to say it didn’t, but changed my mind. “Look, I don’t know why you did it-”

“Because I was sick of him getting in your face,” he said softly.

I sighed. “That was it?”

He wriggled uncomfortably in his seat. “No, okay. He got in my face about how I’d treated you badly and…I retaliated.”

“So he started it?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“And?”

“And, what?” he asked.

“Did he have a point?”

“What?” he asked, entirely indignant. And, to be honest, I didn’t blame him.

Not the plan, Rory, focus!

“No, not what I meant,” I sighed. “Just never mind, we have one more lesson to get through. Dorian Gray, right?”

“Yeah, my favourite,” he said sarcastically.

I rounded on him. “You are nothing like him, or your father, you hear me, Cole Fielding? I am so sick of this. Of you not believing your worth. You are the most worthy guy I know. Sure, you’re rough around the edges, but you’re good where it counts and you have so much potential in you. If you just kept applying yourself and doing what you’ve been doing, the band and the guys and school, you’d have such a future ahead of you. You are so smart, and funny, and just so attractive. And, I love you. Despite the drinking and the smoking and the pretending to be a slacker idiot, I love you because I see past your bullshit façade to the man you really are beneath. A good man with a good heart who deserves everything good in this world!” I breathed deeply.

I could see by his face that he finally believed every word of it, he even told me he did and that he loved me too. Then, he kissed me and we lived happily ever after!

Really? You ask.

No, not at all. In the real world, and not Maybe Land, I sat there, all of that running through my head and not one word spoken aloud. Instead, I smiled at him with the most pathetic smile on my face and said; “I’d love to see your portrait, I bet it’s sexy.”

I almost heard his eyes roll, I swear. Not that I could blame him.

And so, instead of telling him all the things that were great about him, instead of my great plan of leading with the hints and ambushing him at the formal, I sat next to him and we worked on potential Dorian Gray questions for our exam. Did I use the opportunity to tell him unlike Dorian he was? That his mother would have no cause to make a connection between the two? That she’d be proud of the man he’d become despite all the shit that had happened to him?

Nope.

I just tried hard to ignore the burning of his arm next to mine. I tried to ignore how amazing he looked with his sleeves rolled up, his thick cuff watch, his tie loosened and his top button undone. I tried to ignore the scent of him, all manly, but a faint hint of sweat.

I also tried to ignore the way the butterflies beat on the door of their cage, demanding to be let out. But, Cole seemed to have relinquished his key.

“Hannibal, are you okay?” Cole’s rich brown eyes searched mine and I blinked, realising I’d been staring at his arm.

“Sorry,” I said. “Where were we?”

“Deals with the devil.”

“Right… Good.”

We got through the rest of the lesson without me spacing out too much.

When the bell for lunch sounded, I chickened out again. Instead of giving him the letter outright, I slipped it between his books before he put them in his bag. Part of me reasoned that if he never spoke about it, it just meant that he never got it and no harm was done.

I didn’t look forward to telling the girls how poorly I’d done. Again.

At lunch, they of course asked me.

“It’s in his hands now.” I shrugged.

“So, he said he’d read it?” Rachel asked, excitement evident in her voice.

I scoffed. “Can you really imagine Cole offering to read anything?”

The girls smiled.

“No, I guess not,” Rachel said. “But, surely he said something when you gave it to him.”

“He just smiled and put it in his bag.”

All of that, by the way, was not at all a lie, so I was totally in the clear! You keep telling yourself that.

“Good, so stage one is finally done,” Cassidy said rather ominously, rubbing her hands together.

“What? Stage one?”

She nodded. “Yep. Onto stage two.”

“There are stages now?” I looked at the girls. “What are the stages? Where was I when all this was being worked out?”

“Not sticking to the plan,” Cassidy huffed.

“Stage one was set the scene; job done, if a little off plan,” Beat said.

“Stage two is getting you two together at the formal and making you both realise this thing can work, ” Cassidy said.

“And, stage three is you living happily ever after,” Rachel breathed dreamily.

I snorted. “Okay, I’m not sure about happily ever after, but that sounds okay in theory.”

“Yeah, so does communism. This plan, however, is going to work in practice too,” Cassidy replied.

I smiled, but couldn’t bring myself to get my hopes up. The part on which this whole thing hinged was the letter, and I wasn’t even sure he was going to get it. Him seeing it would require him to look at his books before the formal. And, to be quite honest, I just didn’t see that happening. I could hope though and, as far as the girls knew, it was a done deal.

I laughed along with them, thinking about the idea of my happily ever after. I knew we weren’t in some fairy tale romance where everything works out in the end. But, with good friends by my side and an unhealthy dose of optimism, maybe I could have my happily ever after with Cole?