Eighteen

 

 

he next morning was hangovers all around and I vowed never again. God, my head pounded, and my mouth was dry and fuzzy.

I woke up on the couch, snuggled up to Cole, who was looking down at me fondly.

“Good morning.” He smiled, and then checked his watch. “Afternoon.”

I smiled. “Hi.”

I looked around to see where everyone else had crashed. We’d all ended up staying at Declan’s. Thankfully, this time, we’d all brought a change of clothes so hadn’t fallen asleep in our formal clothes.

Beat, Rachel, Chris and Patrick were all strewn about the room, on either couches or mattresses. I didn’t need to wonder where Cassidy and Declan had gone, nor did I really want to think about it.

I sat up, dislodging the blanket, and hunted around for my phone. Nothing but a low battery notification – I really needed to get one of those carry around charger thingies. The clock said it was a little after midday. I was about to be surprised we hadn’t been woken up by Declan’s parents, but they were probably not home again – Mr and Mrs Russo were not known for their stellar parenting skills.

“How did you sleep?” Cole asked sitting up next to me.

“Surprisingly well. Although, I think that had more to do with alcohol consumption than comfortable sleeping place.”

“I’m not comfortable?” he replied, mock aghast.

I laughed. “You’re very comfortable, but I’m surprised we didn’t fall off in the middle of the night.”

We spoke quietly so as not to wake the others. But, when Rachel murmured in her sleep and rolled over, I got up and headed for a different room – there were only about a million to choose from in this house. I decided, though, that coffee was necessary so I went into the kitchen, Cole following close behind.

When we got there, though, Cole seemed to know how to work the coffee machine much better than me. When I mentioned it, he shrugged.

“I’ve been here a bit the last few weeks.”

I sat at the counter and watched him. He wore track pants and a jumper – a woollen one that looked the sort of thing Phyllis would have bought him, with a v-neck and his sleeves pushed up. For a moment while I watched him, I wondered if this is what it would be like to live together.

Rushing things much? a voice asked me, but it sounded very half-hearted.

He pushed a cup of coffee over to me and leant against the bench, facing me.

I sipped it carefully. “You remembered?” I asked, finding it a little milky but without sugar.

“Did you think I could forget anything about you?” he asked casually, looking very comfortable.

I found myself shivering; although I wasn’t convinced it was just from the chill of the seat under me. Without saying anything, Cole put down his cup, pulled off his jumper, and came over to me, giving me not nearly enough time to appreciate his fine form.

“Arms up.”

“I can dress myself,” I laughed, but did as I was told.

He pulled the jumper over my head, over my simple dress – like a nighty, but one you can wear out and has pockets! He gently lifted my hair out from under the collar of the jumper, and kissed me.

“I am well aware of the things you can do, Hannibal. But, you should be looked after every once in a while.”

I looked down, smiling, and noticed the top of the tattoo under his pants. I ran my hand over the top of it, feeling his muscles twitch under my touch. He pushed my hair out of my face, tucking it behind my ear. I was going to ask him about the tattoo, but he took my face in both of his hands and kissed me, drawing me up to him. I ran my hands up his chest, feeling all the muscles and scars beneath my hands.

I heard a cough behind me and Cole pulled away, resting his forehead to mine and giving me an apologetic look.

“There’s a perfectly good room upstairs if you want it,” I heard Declan snigger.

“Hello to you to,” I said, turning around and picking up my coffee.

Cassidy walked in, stretching. “You started on the coffee already?” Then she laughed. “Who am I kidding? With Rory around, coffee never ends.”

“There is nothing wrong with a healthy appreciation of caffeinated beverages,” I replied. “Having said that, there is a definite end to this cup.” I sighed. “I should probably make some kind of effort to get home.”

“Do you have to go already?” Cassidy grumbled.

“I need to try and prise these braids out, plus I could do with a shower and a toothbrush.” I slipped off the barstool.

“I’ll get my guy to take you home,” Declan said.

“I can get the bus.”

“Nah, it’s all good.”

“What about the others?”

Declan waved a hand. “They’ll be out for ages, plus it won’t take him long to get you guys home and get back. I assume you’re going with her, dude?”

I looked to Cole, having honestly not really thought about it. Now I did, I realised heading home for some privacy and a chance to talk would be great. But, maybe he wanted to hang out with Declan?

“Yeah, I think that’s a good idea.” He smiled at me and I worried it was one of those times I’d talked out loud instead of in my head like a normal person.

Even in my apparently reasonably drunk state, I’d still managed to pack my stuff into my bag when I’d changed. It was just a matter of waiting for Cole to pack his stuff up, put on a shirt, and pull our shoes on. Declan’s driver waited patiently until we were ready, and then insisted he carry our things to the car and stow them.

I gave the driver my address and we spent a quiet trip back, both staring out our own window. We held hands and he seemed to be absent-mindedly tracing circles with his thumb. I really hoped that I was the only one feeling so awkward. Maybe none of it fazed him? Maybe he was feeling the tension as much as me, and it was going to make him reconsider whatever was happening? Maybe I was just being paranoid?

The driver finally pulled up at my place and asked Cole for his address.

“Is it okay if I walk through yours?” he asked me and I nodded. “No worries, I’m just across the park from Han…Rory. Thanks for driving us.”

The driver nodded and got our bags out for us before driving off.

I hopped up the front steps, not being able to tell if anyone was home. I rummaged through my bag and found my keys.

“Hello?” I called as I got the door open.

There was no answer and no lights on anywhere. I checked the hall table and found a note in Dad’s near-illegible scrawl.

Couldn’t get you on your phone. Out for the day. Ben’s at Phyllis’. Hope you had a great night, we’ll see you for dinner xoxo

“Right, well that answers that,” I muttered as I pulled my phone out of my pocket. It was totally dead.

“Do you need to call them?” Cole asked.

I shook my head. “Nah, I’ll see them later.”

Feeling a little unsure what to do next, I shrugged my bag further onto my shoulder. I didn’t want to kick him out, but neither did I know if he wanted to stay.

“Well, I guess I should leave you to your shower.” He smiled, finally. “I’ll see you later?”

“I… Cole, you can stay if you want?” I said, not sure what was driving me.

A range of emotions and thoughts flickered over his face for the briefest moment. Mostly all I caught was hesitation.

“You, ah… You don’t have to. You probably want to get home,” I laughed self-consciously.

He looked at me with a fierce glint in his eye that I couldn’t decipher.

“What do you want?” he asked slowly as though afraid to make some kind of decision, I was just a little behind as to what the decision was.

Maybe he didn’t want to get back together? Maybe he’d just wanted one last bit of fun before he moved on? Maybe he had, but had changed his mind? Maybe no one had convinced him he was good enough? Maybe I wasn’t good enough? Maybe…

And, I realised in that moment how many times I started a thought with ‘maybe’, how often I wandered off to Maybe Land where I ran through all possible terrible scenarios and excellent scenarios, then stayed hidden in my mind. I was sick of just meandering through Maybe Land, where I’d never know the answer to anything.

If I wanted to know what was running through Cole’s mind, the only way I could do that was to ask him; Maybe Land didn’t have the answers.

I sighed and dropped my bag. Cole frowned.

“Okay, look,” I said, “I don’t know what I was hoping for, some big romance movie moment maybe? No, no more maybes!” I exhaled sharply.

“Hannibal, you okay?” Cole asked, putting his bag down and stepping towards me.

“No. Yes!” I said, holding my hand up to stop him.

If he came any closer, I’d just want to kiss him and I’d lose my resolve now that I’d – sort of – started.

I took a deep breath, tried looking at him, and failed. “Right, so my front hall was probably not high on my where I thought this would go down list, but that’s life for you.” I took another deep breath and could see he was about to interrupt, so I held my hand up again. “Cole, I… You need to just shut up and listen for a minute okay? This is… Well, let’s just say it would have been easier if you’d damned studied.

“I have and will always believe in you. I know you’ve been through things in your life that have shaken your confidence, have made you believe that you’re nothing, that you’re not worth anyone’s time or effort. I know you think you can walk through this world, falling short of people’s apparently low expectations and you’re not hurting anyone. But, you’re wrong. You’re hurting yourself, you’re hurting Phyllis and Matt, and you’re hurting me, not to mention all your friends.

“You are nothing like your father. You are caring and loyal, kind and just so intelligent, you have people who love you because of who you are, the person you think you hide away and no one can see. But, we see him, Cole. We see the man you really are, and we love you for it.

“You can have anything and do anything in your life, if only you believed in yourself as much as we believe in you. You have the band, friends, and it’s not too late to put in the effort for your exams. You probably don’t even need to, you probably remember everything anyway, you lucky bastard.” I heard him chuckle, but didn’t let it break my focus. “You don’t have to love me Cole, but I love you and I can’t bear to see you throw your life away because of some wanker who doesn’t deserve to win.

“You need to fight, Cole. You need to fight by being your best, showing him you are someone, someone he’ll never be. Because, you have us, Cole. Who does he have? He has no one; he is no one. He saw the light and goodness in you and he was jealous, so he tried to crush it. But, he didn’t succeed, no matter what you think. If he had, you wouldn’t have protected Matt the way you did, you wouldn’t have let Phyllis in, you wouldn’t have found me.

“I’m no great catch, but I’m not going to waste my time on someone who isn’t worth it. And you are worth it, Cole. You are worth fighting for. And, I will fight for you, even when you can’t fight for yourself.” Yes, yes I did read over that letter so many times, I had it memorised.

I took another deep breath; realising my voice had become shaky and tears slipped silently down my cheeks. I still couldn’t look at him, but he didn’t seem inclined to say anything. After a while, I did look up and I was surprised to see him staring at me expectantly.

“What?” I asked.

“I just wasn’t sure if you were finished yet,” he said softly, brushing away my tears.

“Uh, yes… Tirade over.”

“I…uh… I’m not sure I…”

“It’s fine, Cole. I don’t care if it doesn’t change anything. I just wanted – no needed – you to know how great you are. It’s all the things I should have said to you weeks ago in the rain. Things I should have made you listen to when we were together. Things I wanted to say to you this last week. I can’t go through life living in this Maybe Land where I just guess about stuff and never actually know the answers. Well, I’m going to ask for answers now, Cole. I’m sick of wondering what’s going on, sifting through the maybes. No more maybes.”

“Hannibal…” I looked up at him. “Hannibal, I know I don’t have a lot of faith in myself-”

“Well, you should! You-”

He put his finger to my lip. “I’m talking now, you shush.” I nodded and he continued. “I know I don’t have a lot of faith in myself, but I am starting to see that my dad was wrong. And, to be honest, I don’t care if he is right, Hannibal. You make me a better person and I’m not afraid of him anymore. I do love you and I just want to be with you, if you’ll still have me?” He pulled me into a hug and I hugged him back.

“I don’t think I’d be able to not.”

“You know, I considered going all Mister Darcy on you.”

“And insult me while you professed your love for me?” I felt him nod against me. “Why am I not surprised?”

He pulled away from me, grinning his lopsided adorable smirk.

“I just wasn’t sure how to fit it in. I planned a few things out, but, in the end, I didn’t want to risk you throwing things at me.”

I laughed. “You know I would have.”

“That I do.” He looked at me with such openness in his eyes that I wasn’t sure what to say. “‘I feel the greatest remorse for the disappointment of which I have been the occasion, but you will forgive me?’”

“I don’t think Frankenstein considered that a question.” I smiled.

“Maybe not, but I do.”

“Tell me this, first; how are you doing with everything?”

A shadow crossed his face and he sighed. “I know I have a lot to work on. Grandma’s helping, but I hoped you would too?”

“Your dad?”

He nodded. “After… After last time, Sargent Lewis thinks we can bring real charges against him, get him locked up and out of our lives for good.”

I nodded, knowing it wasn’t important for me to know all the minor details right now. “Is that what you want?”

He laughed bitterly. “So much. I want to move on without this shadow hanging over me, Aura. I’m by no means going to be a good boy over night, but I want to look forward to life, have something to call my own.”

“How do you feel about exams?”

“Am I supposed to feel something about the exams?”

“Phyllis could talk to the school? Get a concession? Have your grades weighted so you pass with your exam results?” I smiled.

Cole seemed to think about it. “And, how am I going to get through the exams?”

“We’ll all help you. Between us, at least one of us is in each of your classes.”

“What does it matter? I didn’t get any applications in for next year.”

“Of that I am well aware.” I smiled. “But, you can always apply for mid-year if you wanted? Or, you and Declan can take time off for your band?”

He smiled. “Dec would like that.”

“He would.”

“You’ll help…with the exams?”

“I don’t think you really need it, the way you go about spouting random quotes, but yes.” I brushed his cheek and he smiled.

“All right, then. Let’s give it a go.”

I smiled and pulled him towards me for a kiss. He stopped just shy of my lips.

“So, you can forgive me?”

I mock sighed. “I honestly don’t think there’s anything to forgive. You have things in your past that haunt you. I can’t be angry with you for trying to protect the people you love. I tried, but I can’t.”

“‘The one charm of the past is that it is the past’.” Cole smiled.

I frowned at him. I guessed it was another quote, but I didn’t recognise from where.

“Dorian Gray,” he answered simply.

I smiled, shaking my head. “You’re so not going to need any help getting through English. If you do better than me, I might not forgive you!”

He laughed. “I’ll try not to let my natural genius shine too brightly.”

“Probably a good thing.” I smiled. “Is Phyllis home?”

“Now?” he asked and I nodded. “I don’t know, why?”

“I thought we could get a jump on the whole exam prep thing?”

“You won’t be happy until we do, will you?”

I smiled brightly. “I’d like to say no, but I’d be lying… I do think it’s a good idea though.”

He sighed dramatically. “You shower; I’ll go talk to Grandma. I’ll give you a call when we’re done.”

I kissed him. “Okay, see you later.”

“Later.” He picked up his bag and I let him out the back door.

After he’d left, I picked up my own bag and pretty well skipped up the stairs in an embarrassing Disney moment – good thing no one was there to see me – and got ready for my shower.

The braids were so fiddly, but I eventually got them out, leaving me with half a head of frizz. But, I didn’t really care, nor could I keep the smile from my face.

That conversation had been jumbled, but among it had been everything I’d hoped for. Whatever our friends had done behind my back seemed to have worked; Cole was starting to believe in himself, and in us.

I turned my music on loud before I got into the shower. Coincidences of coincidences, Anti Social Media’s The Way You Are came on.

 

¢

 

We were all seated around the huge table in Phyllis’ dining room – the formal one this time as it was huge and let us spread our stuff all over the place – and actually doing study.

“Chris, have you got that cheat sheet from Term One?” Declan called down the table.

“Here,” Luke replied, sliding it down the middle of the table, but it veered off course and landed in Beat’s face.

She looked up at them, half annoyed and half laughing. “Really, guys? That’s what arms are for.” She passed the page to Declan.

“Thanks.” Declan smiled and began explaining something to Cole.

I looked around the table at the nine of my friends. Cassidy had her nose in a science book while whispering something to Patrick and Rachel. Luke and Chris were going through History with Mike. Declan was catching Cole up on what he missed in Music. And, Beat sat next to me, rifling through our Sports notes – the exam for which was a formality really.

We’d spent most of the first few days of Study Vacation around the table at all hours of the day.

Phyllis had succeeded in getting the school to make special arrangements for Cole. He’d not done quite a terribly in some subjects as I’d expected – I know, stellar girlfriending, feel all that support and belief – so his exam results didn’t have to make up his whole grade in his subjects.

“Are you lot ever coming out of here?” Phyllis asked, standing in the doorway.

“Hey Phyllis!” A few of us chorused.

“Hello.” She smiled.

“We can leave if you want?” Beat asked, chewing the end of her pen.

Phyllis waved a hand. “No, don’t be ridiculous. I’m fine with you all being here at all hours for as long as you need. But, don’t your families miss you?”

“To be honest, I doubt it,” Luke said. “I’ve just been stressing them out, I think.”

“Yeah, Dad keeps telling me we shouldn’t have to work this hard.” Mike laughed. “I told him we were mainly helping out Cole, which he thought was good, but I don’t think he believed me.”

Phyllis sighed. “Well, if you’re going to keep at it, you’re going to need more food. Shall I order you some pizza?”

“God, yes!” I sighed and everyone laughed.

“Same as last time?”

We all looked around, nodding.

“Yes, thanks, Grandma.” Cole smiled.

He looked tired, and I honestly wasn’t surprised. As much as I loved him, I doubted he’d done this much study for his entire school life, let alone in the space of a week. And, we still had three weeks until exams were done! He gave no signs of giving up though, which I could only admire.

There had been little talk about the issue with his dad, and I got the impression from Phyllis that they were going to leave any trial until after the exams so Cole had one less thing to think about. I don’t think Matt knew much about what was happening with it, which was probably for the best at the moment. From the little I understood, Cole had never helped with the police charges before because he didn’t think it was worth it; apparently their dad somehow managed to weasel his way out of trouble much too easily for everyone’s liking. And, there had been little Phyllis could do if Cole wasn’t willing to cooperate. Now, though, Cole seemed more than happy to do the hard work and hope for the best.

I blinked, realising how far off Psychology my brain had wandered.

I reread the paragraph for possibly the hundredth time, reaching for my glass. I took a sip, but found it empty. Stretching my neck, I groaned.

“Who’s got the bottle?” I asked, looking for the much-needed caffeine.

Declan threw it at me, with an annoying smirk, but it was empty.

“Bah… I’m going to get more. Anyone need anything?”

“A lobotomy or extra brain storage would be great,” Beat muttered.

“Those are two very different things,” I laughed.

“Well, a lobotomy will get me out of exams, and extra brain storage will get me through them-”

“Win, win, really.” I nodded. “I’ll see what I can do, but I think I can only offer carbonated beverages or chips.”

She sighed. “All right, carbonated beverage then, please.”

I smiled; incredibly pleased I had help through one of the most stressful times of my life.

By the time I got back with carbonated beverages, Cole and Declan had distracted everyone by getting their guitars out.

“I didn’t know there was a practical component to your exam,” I said, passing Beat the bottle of cola.

“Dec got bored,” Cassidy replied, rolling her eyes. “Though, I don’t blame him.”

I nodded. “We could probably do with a break anyway. What time is it?”

Chris looked at his watch. “Shit, it’s after nine already.”

“Ugh, what time did we start?” Rachel asked.

“Which start?” Mike replied. “The one earlier this week, the one this morning, or the one after the last break?”

“Did we even have a break today? I feel like I haven’t done anything but read all week,” I said, flexing my hand.

“How’s it feeling?” Cole looked up from his guitar.

I smiled. “Fine, little stiff, but it could be as much from being overworked as colliding with Jaime’s face.”

“Let’s just work through ‘til the pizza gets here,” Beat said, stretching her back. “Then, maybe call it quits for the night?”

I dropped down next to her, nodding. “Fine. But, let the record state I’m not happy, Jan.”

“The record can state anything you want,” Beat snickered.

I sighed and pulled my book back in front of me, trying to remember where in the stupid little columns I was up to reading.