Nineteen

 

 

t was times like these I envied Cole his ridiculous memory. I’d spent the better part of seven months assuming he’d Googled obscure quotes from the books to annoy me. But, no. The guy had a memory like… What’s the opposite of a sieve? Is it a sand trap? An elephant? Whatever it is… He had one of those.

The bloody guy had well read every book and poem and song we’d studied and could spout back random quotes to fit any scenario. It was unnatural and weird, but God’s damn did I wish I was him during this exam. I would give my first born for the chance to remember any quotes right now.

I’d faffed my way through an essay on poetry and was trying desperately to finish my essay on Pride and Prejudice – because, was I actually going to choose anything else? It turns out, though, that no matter how well you know a text, when it comes to an exam you can kiss all your knowledge goodbye. Unless you were my boyfriend… In which case, screw you.

The question was ‘Jane Austen’s original title for the novel was First Impressions. What role do first impressions play in Pride and Prejudice?’ I suspected Matron Peters had been on SparkNotes or something for a question as obvious as that, but I couldn’t help thinking of my first impressions of Cole.

I couldn’t help but think of the way I’d seen him across the courtyard and may as well have drooled for how much I stared. I remembered how I’d just liked looking at him, how, without him even opening his mouth, I was interested, I’d wanted to know more about him. If I was Lizzy Bennett, I would have said he was the handsomest man I’d ever seen, even handsome enough to tempt me, though I wouldn’t have admitted it at the time.

I thought about the first time I’d really spoken to him – the time in the corridor when he’d first called me Hannibal, the first time I’d really seen that adorable smirk and the humour in his eyes. I’d seen his intelligence and wit that day; I don’t think I’d recognised it, but I’d seen it and I’d liked it. I’d also, much like Lizzy Bennett, realised that there was something proud and arrogant about my love interest, something that made me dislike said interest.

I could draw no more parallels to my favourite book through the rest of our courtship, however. It was, merely, the first impressions that were similar. Which, no matter which way I looked at it, didn’t really help my essay at all.

Then, the other texts we’d studied distracted me.

Cole had drawn similarities between his life and Dorian Gray in a way I don’t think I ever would. I could entirely believe his mum saw Dorian in his dad, from what Cole had told me. And, if he let himself, there would be a little Dorian in Cole, too. Although, I didn’t think Cole’s portrait would ever be as hideous as Dorian’s; Cole had too much good in him for that.

I suddenly realised that if I spent too much more time thinking about Cole and not getting on with the rest of my exam, my portrait would age significantly from what I might do in my frustration.

I used a little bit of my experience with Cole as an argument for my Pride and Prejudice essay, throwing all my emotion behind it – I was well aware that first impressions, while important, can be entirely wrong. I mean, Lizzy and Darcy liked each other the moment they laid eyes on each other, but they let their assumptions get in the way of that and I could identify with that to a degree.

But, overall, it was my knowledge of the book that got me through it. No matter how distracted I got in that exam by thoughts of Cole and me, I knew the text inside and out. I’d spent enough time arguing this exact point with Cole, even; the crux of Lizzy and Darcy’s relationship was the fact that underlying issues hampered their first impressions of each other.

I wrote furiously, my confidence returning with every word I wrote, until there was less than a minute left on the clock, and I frantically read my essay, trying to make sure I’d remembered everything.

A pitiful little ‘toot’ went off as Matron Peters blew the air horn.

“All right, everyone, pens down,” she said, looking much too happy after putting us through hours of torture. “Silence while we collect up your papers and while you leave please.”

I sat, my leg jiggling until we were told we could go, then I filed out among the pushing and jostling while everyone split off to find their friends. I found mine at our table, realising we’d collected ourselves a pretty neat group of people the last few months. I was sort of sad that we’d lost Jaime, but the guy had turned into a jerk and we were better off without him. I’d say Kelly Preston could keep him, but she seemed smart enough not to want him either.

“Hannibal!” Cole pulled me into a hug as I pushed my way out of the crowd of people – I know I’m not the tallest person in the world, but really!

“Hey.” I smiled to everyone. “So, what are we doing now? I feel like sleep might be the order of the day?”

I was early afternoon, we were all hyped up on sugar, and caffeine, so I doubted sleep was actually on anyone’s minds.

“I have a meeting with Sargent Lewis,” Cole replied. “So, I’m going to have to go, actually.”

“Yeah? Did you want me to come?” I asked.

He shook his head. “Nah, thanks. It’ll be easier with just me.”

“Phyllis isn’t going?” Declan asked.

“No, she doesn’t need to relive it all right now.”

I nodded. “Okay, let me know if you want to hang out later?”

“Will do.” He kissed me. “I’ll catch up with you guys later,” he said to the others.

“Bye, man, good luck with it.” Chris waved.

Cole nodded and headed off.

“I could do with anything that’s not school,” Beat sighed.

“Agreed,” I answered.

After a brief discussion, we all decided to forgo group study that afternoon and see what we were all feeling like the next day. After these three weeks, if I never had to study again, I’d be glad.

 

¢

 

Beat and I scuffed our way along the footpaths of the park in that ridiculous crisscross walk – the one where you move the same leg at the same time and cross your legs in front of each other’s.

“How’s Cole doing?” she asked, her arm in mine.

I shrugged. “He doesn’t like talking about it much, but I think he’s okay.”

“He’s seemed a little quieter than usual… Bit more melancholy than usual.”

I smiled. “It fuels his music. Although, I probably shouldn’t tease him about it. God knows they’re nervous enough about it.”

“About the band?” Beat asked. “So, they’re going to do it?”

“Much to Mister Russo’s disgust, yes. I think Dec’s worried he’s on the verge of being disowned.”

Beat scoffed. “The way Phyllis dotes on him, she’ll probably adopt him, too!”

“I don’t doubt that. I suspect, though, Dec’ll work things out. He always does.”

“Mm,” she agreed. “He’s a smooth talker, that’s for sure.”

“How else could he have charmed our Cass so?”

Beat snorted. “You’re right. I never expected her to settle down so early.”

“Jesus, you make us sound like we’re thirty.”

“You know what I mean.”

I nodded. “That I do.”

My phone buzzed and I pulled it out to check it. It was just a brief ‘hi’ from Cole to let me know they were still going. I huffed, sending him a quick text back and stuffing my phone in my pocket.

“He doesn’t want you going to the trial?”

It was the last week of exams – but we’d thankfully finished – and they were on the first day of the trial against Cole and Matt’s dad. As far as I could tell, it was going well. Sargent Lewis had spent the last six months collecting what evidence he could in the hopes someone could convince Cole to help them. I’d seen the Sargent at Phyllis’ the week before and he seemed a lot more confident than last time that Cole’s dad wasn’t getting out anytime soon.

I shook my head. “I offered, although I’ll admit I was glad when he said no. Just the idea of his dad scares me, I don’t know how I’d do if I had to see him.”

“You’d do fine, because you’d be supporting your boyfriend,” Beat replied.

“True. I wish there was more I could do. I can see he’s anxious about it.”

“Of course he is, but at least he’s not out at all hours like he used to be.”

I laughed. “No, now he just paces his balcony drinking and smoking, while I watch helpless.”

He didn’t actually spend all his time drinking, smoking and pacing the balcony. We spent time playing games with our brothers, talking, I listened to him practice his guitar, or we made out.

Matt had been pretty sheltered from the trial, but he knew something was going on. He had moments where he seemed anxious or excited and I knew Cole was worried he’d get his hopes up and they’d all be disappointed. However, the good big brother he was, Cole couldn’t bring himself to take that hope away from him.

Beat shrugged. “There are worse things.”

I nodded. “There are at that.”

“I’m sure he appreciates you just being there.”

I sighed. “I think so.”

Beat nudged me as we crisscrossed. “Speaking of appreciating, have you…appreciated his body, yet?”

“Beatrice!” I said, mock indignantly.

“What?” she asked innocently.

“That is totally inappropriate!”

“It is not! I have to live vicariously through you.”

“Well, your vicarious life isn’t as exciting as you’d like, let me tell you.”

“I don’t believe that for a second!”

I laughed. “Believe what you like, Beat. Nothing’s happened.”

“What? Really? You haven’t…?”

I shrugged, smiling. “Almost, once or twice, I guess. And…we’ve messed around a bit…done other things…” I couldn’t go on, my cheeks were hot, and I felt like I was going to burst into laughter.

Beat did burst into laughter, so my restraint didn’t last.

“I hope you’re not as shy with him as you are with me!” Beat giggled.

“He doesn’t talk about it,” I said, trying not to laugh.

“He’s a silent lover?” she asked merrily and I snorted.

“Beat!”

“A talker then?”

“Beat, seriously!”

She chortled. “I bet he has a really deep voice.” She lowered hers. “Oh, Rory, let’s have sex.” I sniggered and she smiled at me. “Don’t tell me it’s really high pitched?” She put on a falsetto. “Oh, Rory, I love you so much!”

My sides hurt from laughing so hard.

“I am going to hyperventilate if you don’t stop,” I stammered through my laughter.

“Okay, okay. Sorry.”

It took us a moment, but we managed to calm ourselves down.

“But, in all seriousness, Rory. Have you even talked about it?”

“We’ve talked about it.”

“And, do you want to?”

I looked at her as though I had no idea what she was talking about.

“Oh, come on!” She smiled. “Do you want to sleep with him?”

I wrinkled my nose and nodded. “Does that make me a slut?”

“Pfft! Sleeping with a guy you love? I don’t think that’s high on the slut-meter, but it takes all sorts!” Beat replied. She looked at me seriously for a moment. “Have you talked about it? I mean he knows you’re a virgin, right?”

I nodded. “Yes, and I know he’s not.”

Beat barked a laugh. “Well, no offence, but that was expected.”

I shrugged and nodded conceding that one. “If you’re going to keep pestering me. Yes, we’ve talked about. Well, we did a while ago. Apparently, he could tell I wanted to, but that he wasn’t going to be beaten up and a little drunk my first time.” I giggled, remembering that night.

“And, he hasn’t made a move on you?”

“He has been kind of…preoccupied.”

“I guess…”

“What are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking it has less to do with his preoccupations and more to do with-”

“Me?” I interrupted, suddenly worried I was putting him off.

Beat chuckled. “No! I was going to say that he’s actually a gentleman under that sexy bad boy exterior and is probably waiting for you to tell him you’re ready.”

“When did you get so knowledgeable about how boys think about sex?” I asked.

She shrugged. “I can’t imagine they’re actually that much different from us.”

“You make a fair point.”

“If you want to, you’re going to have to make a move. We didn’t spend all that time getting you two back together to see our efforts go to waste.”

“Yes. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that!” I laughed. “I can’t believe the boys were doing the same to him that you were to me.”

“I can’t believe the two of you were such stubborn arsehats. Seriously, you both wanted to be together, but you just kept failing at doing anything about it!”

“Well, it’s not like I knew he felt the same way.”

Beat snickered. “Everyone but you knew it.”

We continued our ridiculous crisscross walk through the park, musing on boys, girls, the birds and the bees, and when we were going to go out next; Beat had turned eighteen the week before and she was looking forward to making full use of her adulthood.

As I hung out with Beat, I was feeling freer and happier than I could remember feeling in a long time. But, I also couldn’t help thinking about what she said. Maybe Cole was waiting for me to say something?

I smiled at myself. No more maybes, remember.

No, no more maybes.

 

¢

 

Mario Kart had become a tragically big part of my life through the last week of November and early December with Cole busy with the trial, Mum and Dad at work, Ben at school, and a strange lack of study. It felt weird to be at home with no one else around. But, in good news, I was getting really good at Mario Kart… As long as I didn’t play anyone else or put the difficulty up too high.

I was aiming to unlock all the achievements for my player card. Though, I felt like I was probably just looking for a replacement for study, something I could master. Hopefully this insane need to find something to keep me busy would be solved when I went to university next year.

“No! Bowser, you wanker!” I yelled at the screen as I waited to be dropped back on the racetrack.

The doorbell sounded and I sighed loudly, putting the game on pause. I wasn’t expecting anyone; Ben was heading to Phyllis’ after school, and Mum and Dad always used their key. I checked my phone as I walked to the front door, but I hadn’t missed any notifications.

I snuck a peak out the window and saw Cole leaning against the rail on the porch, puffing away like he did. I realised I missed the way he wore his coat collar turned up; he hadn’t worn a coat for weeks now the weather was hotter. Although, I was very partial to seeing him with his sleeves pushed up. There was something very pleasing about a man with his sleeves pushed up.

I pulled the door open and saw Cole’s face brighten.

“Hi.” He smiled, putting his cigarette out.

“Hi. Was I expecting you so early?”

He shook his head. “No, the judgement was a lot quicker than expected.”

My chest fluttered with excitement; if he was here and smiling, it surely meant what I thought it did?

“And?”

Cole gave me a look quite clearly intended to make me think he hadn’t understood me and it was infuriatingly charming.

“I’m going to assume, with this level of annoyingness, it went well?”

He smiled and nodded. “Very well. Guilty on all charges.”

I cheered and flung myself into his arms. He chuckled and hugged me back. I knew there had been worry about the murder charge, not that I knew all the details – law confused me and Cole hadn’t liked going into masses of detail; I assumed it was painful enough to sit through the trial, let alone having to relive it.

“That’s great news.” I took his hand and led him inside.

“You’re playing that again?” he chuckled as I pulled him to the kitchen to find a drink.

“I am very close to unlocking all the shiny coins on my person.”

“And, you’re doing that because…?” he asked, wrapping his arms around me from behind and kissing my neck.

“Then I get all the people and cars to play with.”

“Uh huh. You know, one of us could have done that for you if that’s all you wanted?”

I huffed and spun in his arms. “I can do things too, you know.”

I started to wish I hadn’t turned to face him. I couldn’t pretend that the conversation with Beat hadn’t been playing in my head since we’d had it. I also couldn’t pretend that being near him and seeing his smile didn’t send a course of feelings and emotions through me; those damned butterflies didn’t seem to know whether to run to him or away from him as soon as he released them.

And, it entirely didn’t help now that he was looking at me in obvious triumph and happiness, his eyes so warm and bright that it made my chest tighten, and my breathing jagged. I considered just dragging him to my room right there and then.

Luckily, he spoke and saved me trying to decide what to do.

“Of that, I am very aware.” He smiled down at me and kissed my nose. “I’ve told you once and I’ll tell you again, you deserve to be looked after now and then.”

“And, I might just let you look after me,” I said, envisioning my eyes were full of meaning in what felt like a very un-me show of boldness.

I couldn’t tell, obviously, if he understood what it had taken me a moment to work out. His smirk grew and I wished my small amount of boldness wasn’t about as much as I could muster. I didn’t know what was wrong with me; I knew what I wanted without a doubt, so why was it so hard to do anything about it?

“Will you now?” he asked, a glint in his eyes that suggested he knew exactly what was running through my mind.

In the face of such intensity, I momentarily lost my nerve. I cleared my throat, smiling as I twisted out of his grasp.

“Besides, I had very little else to do the last few weeks. And, now I might have a shot at holding my own when you three gang up on me!” I said, turning to the cupboard.

He laughed. “I doubt you got that good.”

I frowned at him. “Such little faith. Ugh,” I sighed as I realised all the clean cups were on a shelf I couldn’t reach.

“Here,” he said, confining me against the cabinets as he reached past me for the glasses on the top shelf.

I didn’t bother to stop my gaze from wandering down his body. As he reached up, the bottom of his shirt rose and I saw the top of the tattoo once more. My hand reached out almost of its own accord and touched it. He flinched, but was smiling when I looked up.

“Sorry, ticklish,” he said, putting the glasses down on the bench.

I unbuttoned his shirt, aware he was watching me with an amused and anticipating smile. When I got to the last button, I pushed aside the bottom of the shirt and pushed his pant waist down a little – not that they rode very high. Under the waistband, was a small, blue frangipani surrounded by a few flourishes like leaves and vines. I would have thought it effeminate, but the way it sat on his hip seemed oddly masculine. I gently traced a finger over it.

We might have messed around a few times, but I’d never seen it. I’d never quite been able to bring myself to look down there without feeling the desire to burst into nervous laughter.

“It’s beautiful,” I said.

“It’s for my mother,” he replied. “They were her favourite.”

“You loved her a lot.”

He smiled, though sadly as though at a bittersweet memory. “I did. She had flaws and got herself in a ton of mess, but she was a good woman and the best mother she could be.”

I reached up and kissed him, winding my arms around his neck. He trailed kisses down my cheek and neck, and nuzzled in my hair, hugging me close. He took a deep breath.

“‘It would kill the past, and when that was dead he would be free’,” I heard him whisper.

“What?”

He pulled back and looked at me, a sudden seriousness to him, and the triumph still evident in his eyes.

“Gray’s blade. You’re my blade, Hannibal. Thanks to you, my past is behind me, it may as well be dead, and I’m free from it now.”

As much as I wanted to roll my eyes and declare him showing off again, I didn’t think now was the right moment. I also wanted to ask him if he really thought it was going to be that easy to move on. But, I could appreciate he was trying to have a moment and God knew we’d never been so great at them. So, I smiled.

“I don’t think it was just me.”

He shook his head. “You don’t take a compliment well, do you?”

“Oh, that was a compliment? I assumed you were declaring your love for me,” I teased.

He grinned widely and something in me melted. “You’re assuming I wasn’t?”

I shrugged coyly. “I thought you were just showing off again.”

“Maybe. But, how else am I supposed to romance you? You respond so well to anything book-related, I can’t help myself.”

“You’re trying to romance me?” I tried hard not to laugh.

“And, why shouldn’t I?”

“Well, it doesn’t really suit the rest of you. Besides, I’m sure I didn’t fall for you because you were trying to romance me. I didn’t even know you were trying.”

“‘I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look, or the words, which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun’.”

I laughed. “All right, enough quotes. Talk to me like a normal teenage boy!”

He smiled. “All right, inelegantly it is. When I saw you that first day of school, sucking on that damned blue vine…” He shook his head. “That was enough to get me interested; I wanted you. But, Jesus, then you had to go and open your mouth and flash your stomach at me, and I was hooked. I didn’t know what I wanted more; to clash with that beautiful mind of yours or run my hands along your amazing body.” Which he entirely did as he spoke, making me flutter as he pulled me close to him.

“So I was just supposed to be some quick lay?” I breathed more than spoke under his touch. I felt like I should be a little insulted, but my mind wasn’t focussing properly.

He chuckled. “I won’t lie to you Hannibal. I only had one thing on my mind when I first saw you.”

“And, what do you think would have happened if you’d got your way?”

“I suspect I would have realised sooner that you, Aurora Daniels, are everything I didn’t know I was missing in my life and I would have stopped playing games earlier,” he whispered in my ear and kissed my jaw.

I tried again to be even slightly annoyed by his first impression of me. But, I couldn’t bring myself to be when I thought about my first impression of him as a slack loner delinquent who had surprised me.

I pulled back enough to look at him, searching his face. I realised there was nothing holding me back now, Cole had somehow become as much a part of my life as my parents or Ben. I’d known I’d loved him, but I hadn’t realised exactly what that meant until now. I wanted to tell him I could and would forgive him anything in his past, but he spoke before I had a chance.

“You blind-sided me, but I wouldn’t change it for anything. The way you exploded into my life with your wit, your intelligence, your beauty and your passion for everything you do… I love you, Aura. I just want to make you happy. I would do anything to make you happy.”

Here was my opening. “I can think of one thing…”

I grinned and grabbed his hand, pulling him up the stairs after me.

“Hannibal…?” he said.

“Yes?”

“Whatcha doing?”

“Oh, nothing,” I replied, pulling him down the corridor to my room.

I pushed him through my door and kissed him, kicking the door closed with my foot behind us.

 

 

 

 

The End