Chapter Five
I’d never been to a football game while attending the school. I stayed away from every aspect of the game at all costs because inclusion didn’t tend to go with my longing for anonymity. Now, on the roof of the gym, I sat alone with the cheers of the home crowd rolling from the bleachers. The atmosphere was infectious. The lights were bright and radiated for miles as darkness fell, and the smell of hotdogs and popcorn permeated the air, wafting up to me in constant waves while the cooling breeze washed over the fading heat from my sun-warmed skin.
I had been watching jersey number 85 move around the field with a rapt fascination for most of the night and could finally understand why they’d been so pissed off about Dustin’s absence. I didn’t need to be an authority on the game to know that he was carrying the team to their inevitable wins. I was sitting just outside the shack with all the lights off so I wouldn’t be spotted, and I’d turned off the window air conditioner while I was no longer inside and the door was open. With only the radio playing quietly from just inside for company, I was having one of the best nights of my life.
Every time Dustin was on the bench for so much as a second, I could see the other members of his team approach him like bees around a juicy flower. Hands constantly slapped his back. They grabbed his helmet and slapped the top of it enthusiastically, and he was shoved and jumped on like he was made for that very purpose while laughter rose and fell. Through every cycle, Libby watched him with careful consideration. I couldn’t so much as imagine living with that much attention on me all hours of the day. I was self-aware enough to admit that much focus on my every movement would drive me insane, and watching the rituals play out around me, I was beginning to understand why Dustin liked hiding in my corner of the town.
As the long game wound down to the last important seconds, and the intensity picked up, I listened to the cheerleaders go between hollering the school chant and displaying their amazing ability to spell Dustin’s name. I found his last name to be particularly thrilling…
Who was I kidding? Even with the sarcastic thoughts tainted with ridiculous jealousy, I found myself out of my seat and tensed in anticipation, my hands gripping the low wall as the Bobcats made an important play in the last thirty seconds. Breathing hard, bouncing on the balls of my feet, and mumbling under my breath, I was finally starting to understand why Megan loved coming to the games on Friday nights.
I threw my hands in the air as the pass was made, and I held my breath. My nails pressed against my palms as the seconds ticked over for what felt like an eternity. The moment the ball was caught, I danced in victory as our team went on to score and win the game by fourteen points. Right along with the rest of our close-knit town, I cheered and bounced around eagerly, laughing to myself while maintaining my invisibility. I kept my eyes on Dustin alone as he glanced briefly up at the gym roof and saluted me in celebration.
Me.
My lips tingled as the memory of his kiss lingered there with a promise of another. Heat blossomed and thundered through my veins until I was sure my heart would beat out of my chest. I had no idea how long it would take for him to get away from his adoring crowds and come to me, but I amused myself by watching him talk to every person that approached while I hummed along to the songs now playing on the radio. Tonight was a good night for music, too. So many songs I loved, now accompanied the memories of my very first football game.
Dustin, as good-natured as ever, was passed around like a prize. Parents, teachers, students, and everyone else in Childress were patting him on the shoulders as they congratulated him on being king of the world. And why not? He deserved the accolades. It was just a wonder he didn’t have an unbearable ego from the way he was treated.
Watching him had been fun, right up until Libby approached him. Her too-short uniform skirt was showcasing her perfect long legs, and the poms, in the school colors of cobalt blue and white, were held in front of her cautiously as she bounced on her toes with the eagerness of a smiling cocker spaniel. I suddenly wished I’d learned to lip read as I watched her chat with him animatedly.
I didn’t need to be a mind reader to see that Dustin was uncomfortable, his body language said enough that I would have gone in the opposite direction, but Libby didn’t seem to notice and looked as though she was born to be there. Leaning forward until her ass was practically out for the consumption of anyone close, she threw her arms around Dustin’s neck, her hands tangling in his hair—the hair I now knew was soft and downy—at the back of his neck. Before he could react, her lips pushed against his, and at that one fleeting moment sending my world crumbled down around me.
Solid ice coalesced in my veins as the scene played out.
How could I have been so stupid?
Guys like Dustin didn’t go for girls like me. Ever. Well, except in those eighties movies, but that wasn’t real. Not for me. Dustin was the school’s golden boy, and I was the invisible nobody. Libby was a cheerleader. She was beautiful, popular, and in some twisted high school edict, they were built for one another.
Had I really thought that he would fit with me? Dustin had certainly said he’d wanted more than a friendship, but looking at the two of them together and the rightness of the scene… the doubts just flooded me, washing all of the hopes I’d had, downstream.
The part of my mind that trusted the guy I’d come to know was nagging at me to be rational. To think about what I’d really seen. To at least stay and wait for a reasonable explanation because I just knew there had to be one. The rest of me was on the verge of sprinting to the retreat, grabbing my things and getting the hell out of there before I had to face him again. There was only a matter of time until a part of me won out, and the flight was the reaction that finally caught hold and sent me rushing toward the small structure to gather my possessions. I nudged the radio inside with my foot and made sure everything was off and safe before I grabbed what I’d brought and locked the door behind me.
Fighting the sting of my irrational tears, I ran as fast as I could toward the ladder and almost missed a rung as I hastily descended. My vans slipped on the final one, and I stumbled away from the building and into the lingering crowd that hadn’t noticed my hasty descent. Disorientated and increasingly emotional with every second that passed, I looked around to get my bearings. I knew the football teams were leaving the field now. The thunder of cleats was a unique sound I’d grown accustomed to during the practices of the past week, and the sound was getting louder as they headed right toward me.
I’d almost reached the safety of my car when I heard Dustin’s angry voice somewhere to the right of where I was standing. He sounded pissed off, and in a desperate attempt to avoid him, I let my bag drop from my shoulder and followed it down so I was crouched and concealed from him by a car that sat between his general direction and me. Some of the crowd who were heading out to the parking lot eyed me curiously but shrugged off their interest as I reached for my double-knotted shoe. The fact that my lace was tied was obviously lost on them because the deception worked.
As the group left me alone, once again, I settled my ass on the curb with my head in my hands, regretting my decision to stay because, as the noise of excited conversation lessened, Dustin and Libby’s voices became evidently clearer.
That was just my luck.
“What the hell is wrong with you, Dustin?” Libby drawled in her butter wouldn’t melt Texan twang. “Jesus, we have to at least sell it. Your dad said–”
“Fuck my dad.” I’d never heard Dustin’s voice so cold and angry before. There was nothing but animosity in his tone. It was hard to reconcile this side of him with the one I knew, and though I was ashamed to admit it, that vehemence gathered more of my attention than I wanted to give them. "He said we had to appear as though we are dating. Not actually date one another, Lib. Just because you’re a manipulative little bitch, doesn’t mean I want a part of this bullshit. The deal was you get to be homecoming queen, then you would back off and dump me.”
“Yeah, and? We can still have fun, can’t we, baby? The deal was for Homecoming and Winter Formal, anyway.” I wanted to gag at the seductive purr she’d added to her tone. I could almost see the way she was standing, her body moving closer, hands around his waist…
“Are you kidding right now? My dad is fucking blackmailing me. He’s making me do everything I hate because he’s living vicariously through me to avoid dealing with… life.” He bit off the last word as though it tasted bad. “What part of that is fun for me?”
“Everything you hate?” Libby asked, her tone haughty.
“You bet your fucking ass you’re included in that.”
“You act so high and mighty. Like you’re above all of this. Jesus, look around you, Dustin Hill. This is high school. All this attention you have, all of this idolizing because of the great chance at the championship… None of this shit will be there when you graduate. Outside of high school is a blank slate. All I’m asking for is a good final year. Memories that I can look back on fondly—”
“That you can look back on fondly? That, right there, is your problem, darlin’. It’s always about you and your need for attention. Memories for me are the things that I want to experience and remember when I think back on this time, and I don’t want to remember you, Libby.”
“You’re hateful, Dustin Hill.”
“I don’t mean to be,” he said with exasperation, and the two of them started walking again.
My sudden horror and misunderstanding of the situation was quite promptly gone. My dire need to escape had dissipated with every word I’d overheard. My instincts were right. Dustin wasn’t a bad guy. He was just being controlled from every direction in every little decision he attempted to make for himself. I didn’t want to be a part of that negativity in his life. I wouldn’t make drama where there wasn’t any, so I picked up my bag and headed back to the gym, dodging the dwindling crowd coming from the opposite direction. Taking my time to climb the ladder, I made the journey up and over the lip of the roof without being spotted by anyone passing below, which was a little blessing.
Not bothering to dig out my keys and go inside the shack, I chose to drop into one of the chairs that sat just outside of the structure, enjoying the silence and promised darkness beyond the stadium lights. I wasn’t going to stay long. Not tonight, but I wasn’t going to run away, either.
I didn’t have to wait for long for him to show up. I heard Dustin the moment he stepped off the ladder and headed toward me. He was treading carefully, almost as though he was unsure I was the one who was there, but I understood what was bothering him now. There was no doubt in my mind that he knew I’d seen the kiss between him and Libby, and he had no idea how I was going to react.
“Miki?” Dustin’s voice was quieter than the roofs gravel crunching under his feet.
“You could have told me.” My voice wasn’t warm, but neither was it cold. Neutrality was what I’d been aiming for.
Dustin sighed in frustration and rushed forward, pulling the other chair closer to mine before he perched on the edge and watched me intently. It took everything in me to not cry. I reminded myself constantly that I’d only known him for a week and had no right or claim on him. I knew I should never have let myself feel the way I did, but it was too late for that. I was feeling something I had no way of putting into words.
“I was planning on explaining everything when I came up here earlier,” he whispered, placing his palms together, his two index fingers finding the bridge of his nose.
“But you thought kissing me was a better resolution?”
“I followed my gut, Mik.” He dropped his hand, picked up one of mine and squeezed it between his. “I don’t want to date her. I don’t want to talk to her, but my dad…”
“I understand.” My tone was cold then, even to my ears, but that was the pain talking. I didn’t hate him. I wasn’t what I would call upset, either, and the last thing I wanted was to make his life more difficult. I was, however, disappointed and hurt that he hadn’t kept his distance when he’d known what he’d had to do—what his father had demanded from him.
“I really don’t think you do.”
“I understand your dad is blackmailing you.”
“But?” he asked, reading my abrupt silence correctly.
“Why did you kiss me? If you knew we couldn’t…” I took a deep breath. I wasn’t going to make a fool of myself by telling him how much I wanted something between us. Not when my morals demanded that I cut my heart off before I went and got it broken. “You’re dating someone else, Dustin, whether by your own volition or not. You and Libby are a couple.”
“I don’t want to–”
“But you are.”
“Don’t give up on me, Miki,” he whispered, bending over our hands and pressing his lips to my palm.
“And what is it you want from me?” I asked, balling my free hand while he couldn’t see it.
“I just want to spend time with you. Be with you like we have been. I’ve never known anyone like you before, Miki. I just want more time with you. I want you. It’s just… complicated.”
“Then I only see one resolution.” I pulled my hand from his and picked up my bag. Slipping from the chair, I stood over him for a second, sliding the strap up my arm to my shoulder. “We uncomplicate things. I think it’s best we just stay away from one another. You’re more than welcome to use the grove, but please keep it to when I’m not there. If you have any respect for me at all, you won’t ask me to be a part of this. I don’t want to be any man’s mistress.”
“Miki.”
“I’m sorry.”
“About walking away? Don’t. My dad wants me to date Libby until the Winter Formal. That’s his only rule on it. After that, we can go our separate ways, but this isn’t what I want. He wants the crown, not me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You keep saying that, but you’re…” I was backing away, and all I could see in his eyes was hurt. I just hoped my heart shattering wasn’t as obvious as his frustrations. "Please, Miki.”
I walked away slowly, avoiding looking in his direction as I pulled the other strap of my back over my shoulder and started down the ladder again.
I didn’t go home.
For a while, it seemed impossible for me to go where I really wanted to, now that the place was filled with memories of those few glorious days with Dustin, but I was determined to move past my fast rising infatuation. My place under the trees had always been my salvation and safe place, and no one could take that away from me. Memories are echoes of something we choose to shroud ourselves in, but I could make a choice to ignore them, too. I needed my freedom and safety. I needed to escape my life for a while.
I didn’t get out of the car when I pulled in under the low-hanging tendrils of the willow. I just rolled all of the windows down and laid my seat back as far as it would go, choosing to listen to a battery-operated radio with my headphones. I closed my eyes and let the music wash over me. Ballad after ballad, all filled with loves lost and coveted, filling the space between my ears. Some they won, some they lost, but the more I listened, the easier it was to relax and form images in my head. Three hosts came and went as I continued listening, the sun eventually filtering through the trees and making the heat in the car oppressive, but I still didn’t move. Only late in the afternoon, when my body seized up and my bladder threatened to break me, did I sit back up and turn over the engine with regret.
Dizzy from dehydration, lack of sleep, and a little sore from being curled up in my reclined car seat, I realized I’d been there for longer than I’d intended, and I still didn’t feel better about how things had gone with Dustin. I needed more time to process all of the alien thoughts that were beating at me, but I also needed my bed and sleep. Maybe I could sleep through whatever my dad was going to bring to the house in a few hours. But only time would tell, and time felt too infinite when all the pain that surrounded me settled in for the long haul.