It seemed more important than ever that I remember. No matter the significance, my brain just wouldn’t cooperate. I turned inward so much sometimes it felt I was losing the present to try and catch up with the past. I bargained with myself, pleaded even, but to no avail.
My mind just wouldn’t give up its secrets. I wondered more than once how bad those hidden memories were if my own mind wouldn’t give them up.
The doctors all said it was a defense mechanism, my own body and mind protecting me from further pain. Part of me was grateful for the protection, but the other part of me was beyond frustrated.
How could I move on if I didn’t know where I’d already been? What if there was a life out there, a life that belonged to me that had been sitting on pause all this time? What if people were waiting for me, wondering where I’d gone?
But those people never came looking. Those people must not care very much.
It was a constant tug-of-war. A constant struggle between knowing and not knowing. Which was better?
It seemed they were both hell.
The thing that bothered me most about not knowing was I couldn’t prove someone was trying to kill me. They still didn’t believe me about the attack, and the more time that went on without another one, the less and less likely it was I would ever convince them.
Hell, some days they almost had me convinced I’d dreamed it all. When that happened, I would think back on what Eddie told me the morning after. Don’t let them change your mind.
True, there was a lot of stuff I didn’t know, but I did know the difference between a dream and reality. I’d dreamed many nights since that first nightmare. All of them were the same: me drowning, floating in an underwater world of quiet and peace. But it wasn’t the kind of peace I liked; it was eerie. Creepy even. And there was always the figure, sometimes a mere shadow—waiting, lurking, trying to claim me with total darkness.
The person never had a face. Their identity was never revealed to me.
Yet I knew, without a doubt, they were real.
The doctors said it was likely a memory trying to surface. A memory of the night someone tried to kill me. I wasn’t sure how I got away. No one was. My only guess would be whatever it was the person hit me with shoved me down deep, and I got lost. They couldn’t find me. The current was strong that night, and it likely saved my life. It pulled me away from the killer to where Eddie eventually found me.
Even though no one believed someone tried to kill me at the hospital (besides Eddie), no one disputed the fact I was almost a victim of murder. It had also been brought up—very gently, of course—I was the recipient of long-term abuse before I ended up in the lake. The condition I was in and a lot of the injuries (healed over and fresh) all pointed toward abuse.
Again, maybe I was better off not knowing. It seemed learning about it all might be more crippling than starting over.
But what about the murderer?
Who were they? What did they want from me and where are they now?
Maybe there wasn’t a murderer at all. Maybe that night I’d just been a victim of circumstance, some random violent act.
It was exhausting to think about. Round and round my mind would go. Between doctor visit after visit, test after test.
I’d been in this hospital for three weeks since I’d woken up, and I was no closer to answers than I was that first day.
I was afraid but also oddly relieved.
Perhaps the relief came from no more attempts to attack me, though I still believed someone was out to get me. I just wished I knew why.
Eddie walked in, and the worst of my fears slipped into the background. They never went away, but Eddie was powerful enough to make me forget them for at least a little while.
He’d been here to visit me every single day since I woke up. For three weeks now, I saw him at least once a day, sometimes twice. He pretty much came and went as he pleased, the nursing staff finally accepting the fact he was going to be here.
My head shrinker (aka Dr. Kline) often warned me about getting too close or too attached to him. It annoyed me. I felt she was trying to take away the only thing I really felt was real in my life. I needed him.
And yeah, I guess I saw Dr. Kline’s point. But didn’t everyone need someone? Being alone wasn’t easy, especially when you were alone and scared.
‘Course, I wasn’t as alone as I was three weeks ago. Not really. Things had been changing.
Wasn’t that the saying? The more things changed, the more they stayed the same. My same was my mind. Its blank pages never filled in.
“You ready?” Eddie asked, bestowing upon me a grin that literally lit up my insides. His dimples always made my stomach flutter, and the way his eyes always looked at me as if he’d known me forever gave me some sort of peace.
“They said it was okay?” I asked.
“Who would say no to this face?” He scoffed, pointing at himself.
I laughed and slid off the bed toward him and the door.
“Grab your jacket. It’s chilly out there.”
I backtracked to grab the Loch Gen hoodie Eddie gave me weeks ago and tugged it on. It was too big, which was why I liked it. That and the fact he’d given it to me off his own back. Plus, it had the Loch Ness Monster on it. Who wouldn’t want to wear that?
“You look good today,” Eddie said, looking me over but ultimately settling on my eyes. “Healthy.”
“That’s the goal,” I said, proud he’d noticed. It had been a long three weeks, but even I saw the difference when I looked in the mirror.
We walked past the nurses’ station, down the hall, and stepped into the elevator. About a week ago, Eddie found me gazing out the window of my room, and he somehow knew I wanted to be outside. To feel the sun on my cheeks, the breeze in my hair. It was fall now, and the leaves were all turning these beautiful colors. It seemed the more I looked out my window, the more caged up I felt.
That day he got permission for us to walk outside in the garden. I hadn’t even known there was one, but it was gorgeous.
When the elevator slid open, I bounded off with exuberance I’d only just started to feel recently. Sun filtered through the large glass sliding doors ahead, and I practically ran to get outside.
Eddie laughed, following closely behind.
A few minutes later, we stepped into the thick green grass on the side of the property that was bordered by tall, well-manicured shrubs. The entire garden was shaped like a rectangle, but there were different sections with flower gardens, bushes, and even trees inside. There was also a round stone fountain in the center.
Eddie and I fell into step beside each other, walking our normal route around the garden. Lifting my face toward the blue autumn sky, I breathed in deep and smiled. The air was crisp, the temperature definitely chilly. But I enjoyed it; it made me feel alive.
“Good day today?” Eddie asked.
I could feel his gaze. He looked at me a lot. His stare had a way of making a girl feel as if she were the most desired thing in the room.
“It was fine,” I murmured, gazing at some of the leaves twirling in the wind just above the sidewalk. “Just like every other day.”
“Any visitors?”
“Not today. But Maggie came yesterday.” Several people who lived at Lake Loch came to visit from time to time. I could sense their curiosity, their fascination. But they were kind, and I could understand the interest.
Maggie Foster came more than anyone else (except Eddie). Sometimes we’d play cards or talk about what was going on in the world. She brought me magazines and books. She also pulled the town together and gifted me all the clothes I had to my name. Most of it was simple, like jeans and T-shirts and a pair of sneakers, but I was so grateful.
When she first came with it all, I cried. She cried, too.
Everyone here seemed so sympathetic about what happened to me. So horrified. They also seemed… reserved in a way.
I saw some of the looks I got when no one thought I did. I noticed how sometimes people would whisper when I walked by. I didn’t understand it, but honestly, I didn’t think much about it. I had enough to worry about as it was.
“I brought you something.” Eddie beamed.
“Better not be a banana.” I teased as he reached into the kangaroo pocket on the gray hoodie he wore.
Laughing, Eddie produced a red apple, then another. I took the one he offered, noting how perfectly shaped it was.
“From the local orchard. Fall around here always means good apples.”
“Thank you,” I said and rubbed it on my shirt.
Eddie took a huge bite out of his and smacked his lips as he chewed. “So I was thinking maybe I could sweet talk your doctor into letting me spring you for a while sometime. I could show you around town.”
“Really!” I said, pulling back from the apple. “That would be amazing.”
I glanced up at him, thinking to return his smile, only he wasn’t looking at me. He was looking down at the apple as he devoured it.
A funny feeling wormed around inside me. I glanced around, suddenly very nervous. I felt like someone was watching me, as if I were the center of someone’s attention.
“Am?” Eddie questioned, touching my elbow lightly.
I jumped and jerked back.
“Whoa,” he said, holding up his hand in surrender. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“I’m sorry. I…” I glanced around again. All I saw was plants and shrubs. There was no one here. I am losing what little I have left of my mind.
“What’s wrong?” His voice changed, grew deeper, and his body seemed to grow even taller.
“Nothing,” I said, brushing off the feeling. “I just thought I saw something out of the corner of my eye.” I lied.
Eddie’s eyes narrowed.
To distract him, I hooked my arm through his and started strolling toward the fountain. “So tell me about the Loch Ness.”
It took a moment to register what I said because he seemed a little lost in focus the minute I entwined our arms. I admit the momentary hum of electricity between us had been distracting.
“What?” he said, amused.
“There has to be a legend here, right? I mean why else the Loch Ness on the back of the shirts? And the lake is called Lochlain… which everyone just calls Loch.”
“You want to know about the Loch Ness Monster.” He cackled.
I shrugged. “It’s a mystery of the lake. Just like me.”
Eddie stopped walking, gently tugging me around so we were facing one another. “Amnesia,” he said, regret in his eyes.
“It’s okay,” I said. “Maybe I’m better off.”
His eyes darkened. I could tell he didn’t agree. His lips parted, and I waited to hear what he would say. But from the entrance of the garden, someone called his name.
Both of us turned to see Mary Beth waving her arms, signaling for him to come over.
Eddie sighed. “Let’s see what she wants.”
“You go,” I said, “I’ll meet you by the fountain.”
His eyes swept over my face in what felt like a caress. It made me long for more. I just wasn’t sure of what. “I’ll be right back.”
I nodded and took another bite of my apple. He walked backward, eyes still on me until I laughed and turned away, toward the fountain.
A cool breeze kicked up the trees and fallen leaves. The scent of earth rose around me. Looking beyond the fountain toward the edge of the garden where fully mature trees were giving up their multicolored sprinkles to the air and grass beneath them, something moved.
I blinked and stared again. Someone was definitely there, just on the other side of the hedge between the trees and the hospital grounds.
I started toward them, sure the feeling I had of being watched wasn’t just a feeling. I kept my eyes glued to the spot, hoping the person would reveal themselves. The wind picked up again, my hair blew into my eyes, and I struggled to push it away. Something touched the top of my foot, and I screeched, jumping back.
I laughed when I saw it was just leaves being blown over my shoe by the wind.
“Get a grip, Amnesia,” I muttered and then started forward again.
Just as soon as I started walking again, I halted.
Maybe my low scream had drawn attention, or maybe they’d just gotten careless, but I saw them.
Someone crouched just on the other side of the thick shrub. I could see a pair of gloved hands reaching through the branches, parting them for just enough space to glance through.
I was being watched. Stalked.
“Hey!” I yelled impulsively and dashed forward. The branches snapped closed and the bush jiggled with movement. “Stop!” I yelled again, picking up my pace.
When I got to the shrub, there was no one behind it, but lying on the ground were a few snapped branches.
Spinning around, I looked toward the trees, hoping to see a retreating figure. Someone dressed in dark clothing darted behind a tree.
I took off running again, right into the trees, the leaves making a racket underfoot. They were damper here because the thick coverage of branches overhead didn’t allow much sunlight through. I slipped once but managed to stay upright.
“Why are you following me?” I yelled, stopping in the center of a cluster of trees. Gasping for breath as my heart hammered relentlessly, I spun in a three-sixty, looking for the lurker.
Pounding feet and rustling leaves made my body stiffen and whirl again. A figure was running toward me, and without thought, I blindly ran toward it, not even sure what I was going to do.
“Whoa!” Eddie yelled, catching me before I collided with him completely. “Amnesia! What the hell are you doing?” he demanded.
Blinking, I glanced up. He was worried, his face frantic with alarm.
“I saw someone!” I said, tugging free of his grip. “Someone is out here. Someone was watching me!”
“Where?” he asked, lowering his voice. He too began scanning the trees.
“They’re gone,” I said, forlorn. “They ran away.”
He snatched me by the shoulders again, staring hard into my eyes. “You’re sure you saw someone?”
“I swear!” I burst out, still trying to look around. “What do you want from me?” I screamed.
“Shh, shh,” Eddie said, pulling me into his chest.
The impact of my body against his was abrupt and unexpected.
It was the first time he’d ever pulled me into his arms. I’d wondered time and again what it would feel like to be held.
Now I knew.
He was amazing. His body was… enveloping. As if I’d just been folded into a blanket, a thick, comforting quilt. The fear and anger I’d experienced just seconds ago was muted. Wiped away as my cheek pillowed against his solid chest. He was warm. So warm it made me realize I was cold. The sound of his heart was rhythmic and slightly faster than I anticipated.
I pressed a little closer, wanting to commit all of this—all of him—to memory.
This was one thing about total memory loss. There were so many firsts to experience. Some not so great, but oh, the others… I needed more firsts. I needed Eddie to show me what else I was missing.
His hand was enormous when he delved it into the thick strands of my hair to cup the back of my head, holding me to him. I clutched at his shirt, no longer because I was scared, but because this physical contact made me feel lonely.
Strange how physical contact evoked loneliness, but suddenly, I knew what I’d been missing all this time.
“Hey,” Eddie murmured, “I got you.” He hunched closer around me.
I sighed deeply.
“Amnesia.” My name slipped out, floating on the breeze, dancing around my ears like the leaves in the wind.
Reluctantly, I pulled back, tipping my chin up so I could stare up into his eyes. His latched onto mine instantly, and even though I was right against him, I felt tugged even closer. Up close, his eyes were even more beautiful. The blue was deep around the edges, which faded into a bright, sapphire shade. They were so blue the white around the irises actually appeared slightly blue as well. The lashes lining his eyes were thick and velvety. My fingers itched to explore his features, trace the strong lines of his jaw, and smooth out his ruffled brows.
He’d originally just grabbed me to stop me from falling, then to comfort me because I was frightened… but it changed. We forgot we were among the trees, out of bounds of the hospital garden. The sunlight here was dim, the air a few degrees cooler.
All I saw was his stare, how I was the center of his world. All I felt were his hands, which slowly slid to cradle the sides of my face. The pads of his thumbs stroked over my cheeks, and his full lips parted just enough for me to hear the intake of his breath.
“You are so very beautiful,” he purred.
I pressed my cheek into one of his hands, my eyes sliding closed. I didn’t know why, but an intense yearning erupted inside me, almost as if a sinkhole opened and threatened to drag me down.
I knew I basically only had three weeks of life to go on, but oh my God, it felt like I’d wanted something like this—someone like Eddie—forever.
It almost left me gasping in desperation. Against his chest, my hands trembled. And then my knees quaked. Concern started to divide his attention, but I wasn’t ready to let this feeling go.
“Eddie,” I beckoned.
A soft groan filled his throat, and I stretched up on unsteady feet toward him. His eyes darkened, chin lowered.
A loud crack filled the area around us.
I jerked so far, so fast I would have tumbled onto my ass, but Eddie held on, keeping me upright.
“What was that?” I feared.
Wrapping his arms around me, holding me fiercely, his eyes search over my head, and his upper body swiveled as he took in our surroundings.
“Must have been a branch falling off a tree,” he said after a moment.
Slowly, he eased back. I didn’t want him to go.
“You’re sure you saw someone?” he questioned.
“I swear.”
He nodded. “Well, whoever it was is gone now.”
I bowed my head. Just when I thought things were getting better… that maybe that night in my room had been a one-time thing…
“C’mon. Mary Beth said they need us inside.” He nudged me softly.
I bunched up my nose. “For what?”
“Let’s go see.”
My shoulders slumped. For more than one reason. He was going to kiss me just then. I wanted him to. I wasn’t ready to go back in the hospital. I would drive myself crazy thinking about what just happened, and I’d never sleep tonight.
“Wanna hold my hand?” His words snapped me out of my inner pout.
He held out his hand between us, wiggling his fingers as if to entice me. Giggling a little, I surrendered my hand, and he pushed his fingers between mine, gripping them firmly.
On the way back through the garden, I couldn’t help but linger on the edges of the area, peer into the darker bushes, and glance behind us every few steps.
Someone was out there. Watching me. Probably wanting me dead.
Why?
Another important thought then followed…
Someone knew who I was.