The center of my chest churned the same as the waves on the lake. My heart bobbed along with the swell of emotions, buoyant because she was here. She came back. And because I finally got to tell her the words I’d kept locked away.
I loved her. Since the first night I plucked her from the surf. True, maybe at first I loved her because of Sadie, because of all the moments we had as kids and all the moments I felt we never got to have.
But eventually, Sadie merged into Amnesia in my head and my heart. The love I knew grew and changed; it morphed from a boyish crush turned into agony to something stronger, deeper, and not so dire.
Amnesia didn’t represent something I’d lost anymore, but something I’d gained. Something I desperately wanted to keep.
I didn’t know if she could ever love me, if even she was capable after everything she’d been through, but her whispered words just now felt like a jolt of lightning right through eye of the storm inside me. Everything lit up, electrified. The determination to take it slow, to let her learn to live again and not put any undue pressure on her, disintegrated.
This wasn’t our first kiss, but it was the first of many more. The amount of desire I held for her seeped from my pores and caused my fingers to quake. My fingertips clutched at her waist, anchoring her right up against my torso. Her thin frame fit along mine so well it was as if she melted right into me.
The wind around us picked up, tossing around our hair, grabbing at our clothes. It only spurred me closer because I would never let it rip us apart. Amnesia slipped her arms around my waist, just above my hipbones. At the small of my back, her hands clasped together, her arms tightened, and I felt a sigh brush across my lips. I took advantage of the slight lift off of her lips to cup her face, splaying my fingers wide, cradling as much of her in my palms as I could.
Opening my eyes, I sought out hers. We were still so close our noses bumped, our breaths mingling. Instead of seeing both her eyes, it was like I looked in one, straight into her… past all the unknowns and right to the core where there was nothing but truth.
I meant what I said about it not mattering to me who she was. The girl I lost at sea or a woman with no past—I didn’t care. I didn’t think I even realized how true it was until I gazed into her face just then.
The wind picked up again, the sound of water slapping against the shore and splashing along the banks carrying through the air. Her eyes closed and her head tilted, offering me more. I surrendered to the invitation.
My tongue slipped between her lips, tangled around hers, and then languidly explored her mouth. Amnesia welcomed me inside, but that wasn’t all. Her own tongue sought me out, did some exploring of its own.
Deep in my throat, I moaned, wanting her to know how much I loved it, and then pressed harder, claiming her a little deeper. The pads of her fingers dug into the small of my back, and her body rose up on tiptoes as I assaulted her mouth more fully than ever before.
Thunder rolled overhead, slow and low at first, then drew closer, the sound sort of cracking overhead like a warning. Forcing my mouth away, we both gulped in deep breaths. My lips slipped along her jawline and down her neck.
Am tilted back, my palm supporting her head as she offered up her creamy, delicate skin. I licked over it, then nipped at her flesh before sucking her deeply into my mouth.
Another roar of thunder boomed through the sky. Amnesia jolted a little. Her body went stiff, her hands clutching at me a little more desperately.
Taking her hand, we ran through the yard all the way up to the house where the back door still banged against the side of the house. The air inside was a little warmer, the blustery wind kept out by the sturdy walls.
Almost the second after I latched the door behind us, the sky opened up and sheets of rain plummeted from above, pelted the grass, and stirred up the lake even more. The heavy way it pounded against the roof made my house feel even smaller, as if we were suddenly, amazingly in a world of our own, where nothing else existed and no one else mattered.
“You okay?” I rasped, shoving the hair off my face and going to her.
The lighting in here was dim, and it had grown much darker with the storm, so the light filtering through the window over the kitchen sink wasn’t much to go on. This close, though, I could see her eyes, the slightly rounded look, and the swell of her lip.
“Are you?” she whispered.
“Oh, baby. I was okay the minute you came back,” I murmured, taking in as much of her as I could.
Am stretched up, wrapped her arms around my neck, and pressed close. Her mouth was tentative at first, and it sent my stomach, heart, and lungs into a nosedive. Once, twice, and then a third time, she grazed the fullness of her lips over mine. I might have thought she was flirting if she were any other girl.
She wasn’t any other girl, though. She was the only girl like her. Maybe, just maybe that’s why she was so hard to figure out.
Keeping my hands at my sides was sweet torture. The tips of my fingers hummed with desire and jerked with need. I remained steadfast in not moving, allowing her the time she wanted to explore as I knew she never had.
I felt her stare, so I opened mine and then watched her brown eyes watch me as she licked across my lips with one achingly slow pass.
“Mmm,” she hummed and then fit her mouth fully against mine.
I kissed her back because there was no way in hell I couldn’t. With a moan, I lifted her off her feet, spinning, and sitting her ass on the countertop behind us. Amnesia’s knees fell open, and I stepped between them. She didn’t stop kissing; her tongue grew bold and stroked along my teeth and wrapped around mine.
Pressing my hips into the lower cabinet, my cock freaking throbbed so hard it hurt. The pressure of pinning it between me and the cabinets was somewhat of a relief because it eased some of the worst throbbing.
Amnesia pulled back. Her lips made a slight sucking sound against mine as she did. I didn’t pull away. I was too tangled in her web. I’d stay exactly there until she either claimed me as her prey or let me go.
The tip of her pink tongue darted out, rubbed across her lower lip, and she smiled. I didn’t smile back, too heavy with desire.
Her eyes were dark, partly from longing and partly from the lack of light. With the window at her back, she sort of glowed before of me like an angel, sure as hell making me feel divine.
I didn’t even try to conceal the fact my eyes ate up her face and that she was literally the only thing in the room to me.
Another boom of thunder made her body tighten. Carefully, I reached out to smooth my palm over the front of her thigh. “It’s okay. It’s just a little rain.”
Amnesia glanced down to where I stroked her bare skin. Neither of us acknowledged the fact she was covered in goose bumps. Her hand lifted off the counter, and my hand paused. She reached past my arm and toward my waist where her fingers found the hem of my shirt.
I swallowed thickly, then tried to swallow again. My body stilled, so inert I didn’t even think my blood dared to flow. The second her fingers delved beneath the fabric and stroked over my side and up my back, I nearly slumped forward, unable to hold up my own weight.
Both my palms pressed flat on the countertop on either side of her hips, my head bowed toward my chest. Am’s hand explored the bare skin of my back, gliding along, tracing the line of my body.
When her other hand came around to join it, I sucked in a breath and prepared for another assault. But instead of more of what she was already doing, she lifted the shirt, gently tugging it upward.
Lifting my chin, I gazed at her, surprised. Her eyes met mine, hands tugging again. Shifting, I stood back and pulled the shirt over the back of my head and tossed it at my feet. Before I could lean back down, her palms hit my chest and brushed outward toward my biceps. My eyes drifted closed, and I submitted to her completely.
Her fingers discovered my chest and shoulders just as they had my back. When her thumbs brushed over my nipples, they hardened instantly, so much it was almost painful. Shifting, I pressed my lower half even harder against the cabinets as her hands travelled down my stomach.
I didn’t know how long she touched me, but it would never be long enough. After a while, she sighed, sat forward, and dropped her forehead onto my chest. Instantly, my arms went around her. The only sound I heard was the thundering of my own heart.
“I’ll drive you home,” I offered when I thought I might be able to speak normally.
Her back stiffened, and she lifted her head. “I don’t want to go.”
“What do you want, Am?” I asked, trailing a finger down the side of her face.
“I want to stay here tonight,” she said, her eyes sweeping over my naked torso.
Sweet Jesus, she was testing me tonight.
It took me a minute before I could reply. “I don’t think you’re ready for that.”
“Why?”
“Because you just remembered something about yourself. And I know you didn’t say it, but I can tell whatever memory led to your name wasn’t a good one.”
“It was pretty terrible,” she admitted, glancing away.
“Sex won’t make it any easier, baby,” I said gently, barely believing the words coming out of my mouth. God, I was insane. I wanted to have sex with her more than just about anything on this planet, but here I was saying no.
Dude. I must really be in love.
My dick was threatening to leap off my body.
Amnesia laughed. An odd response to basically just being turned down. Of course, maybe that was the shit I heard in my head. Maybe something else had come out of my mouth.
Well, shit.
“Easier?” She scoffed. “Nothing has been easy since I woke up in that hospital with literally nothing.”
I tried to really listen. She deserved my undivided attention, but man, I was relieved. I had to give myself a mental high-five for keeping my shit together and doing what was best for her.
With a low groan, I traced a couple freckles over the bridge of her nose. “I know. That’s why I don’t want to make things any more complicated.”
“Sex complicates things?”
Sometimes I forgot just how innocent she was. Waking up with no memory or experiences to fall back on made it so I had to be so incredibly careful with her. And doubly, I had no idea what kind of experience could trigger a memory or flashback.
Some of the burning horniness in my body dwindled when I thought about that. I had a very strong feeling that whatever Amnesia had been though, rape was part of it.
I fucking pray to God I’m wrong.
“Sometimes,” I admitted.
“Can I be one hundred percent honest with you?” she asked, her voice a little shy.
“I would one hundred percent fucking love that.” I smiled.
She smiled back. She had a beautiful smile.
Thunder still rumbled in the distance. Rain still pattered against the roof and windows. Suddenly, a flash of lightning streaked through the sky and momentarily lit the kitchen with a crack of neon light.
I knew she told me she wasn’t scared of the rain anymore and there were bigger things to be frightened of now. But the need to shield her was ingrained in me. The loud sounds, the flashing light, and yeah, remembering how much Sadie hated the rain made it near impossible to just ignore the storm outside.
Or maybe I just wanted an excuse to hold her.
Before she could confess whatever it was she wanted to, I lifted her off the counter, and her legs wrapped around me automatically. I carried her across the linoleum floor, through the archway, and into the living room. I sat on the leather couch, keeping her in my lap.
With a heartfelt sigh, Am melted forward, laid her chin against my shoulder, and tucked her face into my neck.
Yanking the blanket off the end of the couch, I spread it out, tucked it around her back, and wrapped my arms around her. After long, quiet moments of me just lightly rubbing her spine, she began to talk.
“Dr. Kline said memories could come like flashes, just kind of taking over my brain and vision. But I really had no idea it would be like that. It was so scary.”
I didn’t say anything because she didn’t want me to. She just wanted me to listen.
“I was in the shower. I was still so upset from what happened between us. I grabbed the soap. Then all of the sudden, I was back there…”
She began to tremble, something I fiercely did not like. Abandoning the backrub, I wrapped both arms around her tight.
“I…” Her voice faltered, and she drew in a shaky breath. “It was worse than I imagined.”
“You don’t have to tell me,” I murmured. Anger lit inside me. I didn’t know what happened to her. I didn’t even know if there was someone to blame. But if there was, I truly wanted to kill them.
“Honestly, I don’t think I can.” Abruptly, she sat up, her eyes apologetic.
“Hey,” I whispered, pulling the ends of the blanket closed around her chest. “It’s okay.”
“I’ve always had this sense of… relief about not being able to remember. I always was kinda ashamed of that. Kinda confused, you know?”
I nodded. I didn’t really know. I didn’t think anyone could know. But I definitely empathized.
“It’s sort of like having something checked off your to-do list. You know, that sense of accomplishment, the feeling of truly being able to relax.”
“Yeah, I get that.”
She nodded. “That’s how I felt. I wanted to remember. I try every single day. Having an empty mind is greater than that sense of relief. Dr. Kline told me my amnesia was my mind’s way of protecting me. After today, I know she’s right.”
Cupping the side of her face, I leaned up, pressing a lingering kiss to her cheek.
She turned into it and smiled.
“I don’t want to remember any more, Eddie. I’m terrified of what lives inside my own head.”
I had no idea how to protect her from that. From herself. “I wish I knew how to keep the memories out of your head, sweetheart. If I knew, I would do it in a heartbeat.”
“I know a way,” she said, looking straight into me with her deep eyes.
Grasping the ends of the blanket, I tugged her near. “I’ll do it,” I vowed quietly, resting my forehead against hers. “Anything that will put your mind at ease.”
“Give me a good memory, something to combat the dark when it comes. In case it comes back.”
Leaning forward, I kissed her swiftly, then pulled back. “You mean our Lobster Shack date that landed you in the ER wasn’t good enough?” I scoffed. Then I muttered, “I better up my game.”
Amnesia smiled, a smile wide enough it showed her teeth. “Well, that was a good day… up until the ER part.”
I grunted. I had some making up to do. Majorly. Filling her mind with memories so happy definitely seemed like a good way to fight back the bad.
After all, the only thing strong enough to battle hate was love.
Outside, wind gusted and the rain shifted, splattering harder against the windows and side of the house.
Her voice cut through the peaceful sounds the way a tornado rips through a small town. “I remembered being raped.”
My body stiffened and without meaning to, I jolted upright. Am began to tumble backward off my lap, but her arms came out to grasp me.
“Shit,” I spat, pulling her back into me, my body still rigid. “I’m sorry,” I swore and kissed the side of her head.
“I didn’t know how else to say it besides spitting it out,” she replied apologetically.
“Don’t apologize, Am,” I growled. “Not ever.”
She fell silent.
“I’m so fucking sorry.” I groaned, leaning back, pulling her with me. “I wish I’d been there. I wish my fourteen-year-old self had been quicker, stronger… something.”
“I don’t actually remember the act… or the way it felt. I don’t feel…” She paused, weighing her words. “Damaged from it, if that makes sense.”
“Because you can’t remember?”
She nodded against me. “I just remember knowing what was coming, like it wasn’t the first time… I’d been dreading it. And yeah, I’m horrified, but the memory went away as quick as it began.”
I whispered her name, sort of like a prayer.
“I think I might have passed out. When I woke up, I was lying on the shower floor. The water had run cold.”
Clutching her against me, I combated the rage and sickness warring inside me. So much emotion welled up, so much hate and sorrow.
“That’s why I’m so scared,” she confided, tucking her hand between her body and mine. “I’m so afraid the next memory will be of the actual act, and it will change me. If I start remembering the things he did to me, of the way I was abused…” She pushed up, her eyes pleading and damp. “I won’t be the same. I won’t be like I am now. Yes, I’m damaged… but that girl I was before… I think she might have been destroyed.”
What could a man say? What did he say when the woman he loved, the woman he was admittedly obsessed with, told him she could change in the blink of an eye? That a monster once did things so horrendous to her she’d rather live knowing only a few weeks of her life rather than reclaiming all the years she had before.
I couldn’t fix this. I couldn’t fix her. I wasn’t there. I hadn’t been strong enough that night to prevent it. I wasn’t sure I was strong enough now. What if I wasn’t enough? What if nothing was?
So many questions…
Only one answer.
“I’m not going to leave you, Am. No matter what. I love you. No matter what.”
“No matter what?” she echoed.
I lifted her hand, wrapped mine around it, and held out our pointer fingers. Making a large X over my heart, I said, “Cross my heart.”
“Make love to me, Eddie.”
My hand jerked, dropping hers. “What?”
She smiled, partially amused.
“Considering the conversation we just had, you have to realize that right now, I think I’m hearing things.”
“That’s why we just had this conversation,” she replied, stroking her palm down my chest. “I wanted to make you understand. I feel like there’s a clock ticking inside me, and every second, every minute, every day that passes us by is a moment lost. Another moment closer to when my brain unleashes hell upon me.”
I groaned.
Am grabbed my face, staring into my eyes. “Make love to me before it matters who I am. Before identities and terrible recollections come into play. Show me what it’s like to be in love—to be loved—before memories shatter the idealistic mind I own right now. Prove to me that there can be so much more between two people than pain.”
Give the woman I loved a first time that could overshadow everything else? No pressure or anything.
I couldn’t say no to the woman in my lap. I wouldn’t.
“C’mere.” I reached for her. She came without hesitation, her body malleable beneath my hands. Delving my fingers into the hair at the base of her skull, I directed her down, our lips meeting softly.
I coaxed her open, using gentle strokes and soft pressure. Our lips met again and again. Occasionally, I would draw back enough to nibble at her lower lip and massage her scalp with my fingertips.
Amnesia’s body remained relaxed. Not once did she hesitate or grow tense. I kissed her languidly, slowly, for an undocumented amount of time. Eventually, I moved, laid her against the cushions, and wedged myself beside her. Our legs were tangled and my arm was across her chest. I nuzzled her neck, licked over her collarbone, and whispered in her ear.
Her heavy sighs were quite the reward, and her roaming hands only spurred me on. Eventually, I pulled back to gaze down at her.
“Eddie?” she asked, rubbing a hand over my hair. “What is it?”
“You really do want this. Me,” I said vulnerably.
Her lips curved up. “I really do. So much. This isn’t some experiment or some sick way to try and trigger a memory. I don’t want that. Just you. Just Eddie and Am together. Alone. Nothing or no one else.”
Her body didn’t lie. The languid feel of her limbs and the way her body arched against mine when I kissed her couldn’t be faked. Nothing about this was making her upset, scared, or nervous. She was totally in the moment with me, just like she said.
I couldn’t prevent the past from coming back to haunt her. But I could give her a present, a present that bled into the coming days and promised something more.
Without another word, I moved over her, past her, my feet hitting the floor. Straightening up, I saw her watching me with a question in her eyes.
I smiled even as desire rolled beneath my skin, then picked her up, cradling her against my chest.
“Where are we going?” she murmured, laying her head against my chest. Clearly, she trusted me.
“I’m taking you to bed.”