Joshua
“Serena, could you please get me Mr. Braxton’s file, please,” I said through the intercom.
“Yes sir. Do you need anything else with it?” she asked, concerned, which I really didn’t deserve from anyone, and especially not from her, someone who had witnessed my acts of infidelity on Eunice, a good friend of hers.
“No, that’s all for now,” I replied reassuringly. It had been hours since lunch, which I had declined. This was my routine for the past one and a half months. I couldn’t bring myself to eat anything during lunch because it was mostly the time when I had taken lovers in the past. This was an hour for me that I passed in guilt and thoughts about Eunice. I wondered many times how she was, what she was doing. I had wished to call her at times or ask someone other than Alex, but I couldn’t bring myself to. This heavy weighing guilt and regret had crushed me further. I didn’t have the guts to call her or ask anyone else because I was afraid of the reality. Maybe she was so happy in this new world of hers that she had forgotten me, or maybe she somewhere missed me from the depths of her heart like I did, or it could be she had forgotten me and moved on with someone better. I couldn’t bear such thoughts, hence I had to content myself with Alex’s words, which were nothing more than she was doing well, was fine, or was better. Those were his answers to me, which I had happily accepted and felt content with.
“Sir, Miss Anne called again,” she said hesitantly. Anne. I hadn’t talked to her or even seen her since that night when I had bedded her in my home and tainted it. I regretted everything I did with everyone, even Anne. I had used them as toys and played with their hearts and bodies. Some knew the limits with me, but Anne didn’t, and it was entirely my fault. I had let her believe I felt something more than lust with her, which was nothing but lies. Only when the clouds of lies had drifted away from my life had I seen what I had truly done. I had ruined my love, my home, and a girl who had no part in this.
“Was the bouquet of lilies and the note insufficient to give her my deepest apologies?” I asked coldly, and it was times like this I was scared of, scared to drift back in the past of my fucked up mind.
I had sincerely sent my deepest apologies to women I toyed with. They were human and not someone to be used. I did this to let go of some burden off me, to find some forgiveness to bear the weight of regret that weighed upon my heart. I had sent Anne a hand-written note telling her how wrong it was what I did. I had told her that I made a mistake, one which couldn’t be forgiven easily. I apologized to her for dragging her into this, for giving her false hope, and making her feel that there existed something more when there clearly didn’t. It never did, and never could, because even my darkest days, Eunice ruled my heart. She was the center of my world and always would be, and I surely couldn’t have someone else. She has and will always rule over my heart, my mind, my soul, and even my body.
I wrote all that to Anne and yet she had been unable to understand. She had called me but I never answered. I didn’t think she was able to get the memo that what we had was a mistake and nothing else. It was over and I had no space for her in my life and never could, but she couldn’t understand this and had dared to call the office, a place that was my escape now, over what I had done. It ticked me off. I hadn’t gone out for the past two months and there was a reason; I couldn’t face people, and Anne was pushing me by calling here. She was forcing me to take an action that would leave her destroyed, and I didn’t want to. I did not intend to hurt anyone anymore.
“She says it’s important and she needs to talk to you. She has threatened to make a scene downstairs because of it,” she said hesitantly. Anne could surely not come here since I had only had allowed two people to be here—Alex and my secretary. I had put up a new card to be used with a code that had to be punched in. I couldn’t bear to have people moving around much. I didn’t want to see them because I was ashamed of my actions, and such actions like Anne was threatening to make occur.
“Tell her to please refer to the new company policy. She still is an employee and not under me, but Alex. Any scene she makes will affect her. Moreover, there is now a policy of no fraternizing in the office anyway. She makes a scene and she is looking for her way out of the industry forever, with a good lump sum amount to be lost too. If she’s not looking for both of us to be bankrupt, then she should stop bothering me, because I’ve got nothing to lose, while she has a lot.” I told her to convey this message sternly. I had asked Alex to put in such a clause in company contracts myself, binding upon everyone and bosses effective immediately. It was for the best—this firm that was all I had. I didn’t want any more trouble in my life.
“That’s all,” I added quickly.
“Okay, sir.” With that the call ended. In minutes, the file I had called for was with me and I deliberately started to work on the new project, trying my level best. I worked for hours non-stop because it helped me keep my thoughts in line and not let them wander about the past.
As eight struck the clock, I let go of the project for the day. Serena had left around six in the evening, leaving me a much-needed coffee that I had thanked her for. Lately I had been polite and thanking them for their small acts of concern, no matter who they were, because I didn’t deserve them. I had taken things for granted but, no more. I had taken Eunice for granted and her concern and favors in my respect too, thus I had made it my aim to never do it again. I had taken Eunice’s home cooked meals for granted and it was only now I missed them with my entire being. I truly missed everything about her.
Looking at a photo of hers that I had found hidden under my own things, I made it my top priority to keep it safe with the small pendant necklace. She was smiling and her eyes sparkled with happiness in the photo. It was one prior to our marriage and I had at times found myself getting lost in her eyes and smile. How much I missed seeing them. How much would I pay to have seen her once again? But I knew the odds were not in my favor and I wouldn’t have any chance with her ever again.
My doctors, on the other hand, told me to keep the hope to return to normalcy that I couldn’t find without her. I truly fucked up, and it only made me felt guiltier to know what I had done when clear light shined upon me. Doctors had helped me a lot by having me talk about what I felt. They made me let out of all my guilt and regrets, tried their best to reason with me that it wasn’t my fault to begin with. They said that a seed of doubt had been sown in my mind long ago by Lily’s mother. Elle’s death had made it grow it into a tree with deep roots, forcing me to believe the lies. It made me feel that Eunice was the monster that Lily’s mother had made her to be.
The trauma of the accident had taken some unwanted and unrealistic turns for me, forcing my mind to believe the lies, pushing to the limits where there was no option but to believe them at any cost. I had no choice, the doctors said, but I didn’t believe it. I had a choice to look for the truth rather than turning a blind eye towards it and giving myself over to the lies than keeping control.
I still couldn’t stop blaming myself and never would, not without her. For the past two months, I had never let the burden go. It was something I had to bear anyhow. I had to control myself every day to put a halt to my thoughts. Even after two months I didn’t find myself cured…that cold demeanor of mine returned at times, making me question who I was and am. Maybe with her I would have been able to be fully cure myself, but I didn’t want to drag her into this fucked up mind of mine once again. I had nightmares of hurting Eunice, memories of her laying lifeless on the bed, and a monstrous look in my eyes. I was scared of myself, scared of the monster that I had turned into coming back to destroy me. I had slept in our bedroom for the past two months, breathing in Eunice’s now lost scent. I slept there in hopes that maybe one night I would find her there sleeping right beside me and looking at me with those love-filled eyes.
Hope. I had hoped a lot for things, hope for good, hope to find her in the house, hopes of killing the monster inside of me, and hope to gain my normal self back. I was living on hopes. The flames of hope kept me alive, something that was never in my life because Eunice was there. Eunice was there to hope for her, to hope for a better future when I was there just to destroy us both. Serena told me all about her. She had cursed me, and made me feel ashamed of myself. She had been the one who advised Eunice to stay, stay in hopes to find the real Joshua back. It was at that moment I realized that what had killed the hope inside Eunice that night was forcing her to walk away from this life.
I had deliberately crushed her hopes. I wished she could have walked away from me rather than staying. She shouldn’t have wasted her time on a monster like me. Serena shouted at me at that I didn’t deserve Eunice, that I was cruel and heartless. Yet she decided to work with me because she was in need of this job. For the first time I apologized for making her do things for my lovers, for hurting her friend, but most of all, for not listening to her that I was making a mistake. I wished I could have listened to her. Wished that I wouldn’t have let myself surrender to those wicked thoughts.
I turned around and looked at the date today to distract myself from my unwanted train of thoughts. I hadn’t bothered to look at dates since past two months. There was nothing new to it, the sun would rise daily, and then the sun would set. There was nothing new about any day ever. However, today was not like every other day. There was something special about it that I shouldn’t have forgotten. I once again felt like a selfish person who took things for granted. An unknowing pain pierced through my heart, remembering what I had missed today. How could I have forgotten? I felt the pain of my own acts return. It was our wedding day. A day that had now passed, leaving me with a pain I just couldn’t cope with. It was our day, our wedding anniversary that we should have celebrated together.
My eyes focused towards the wedding band resting on my finger. I had found it deep down in my things when I was on a spree of finding something of Eunice’s—since that day I had worn it. It was something Eunice and I had bought together. It reminded me of her smiling face when she placed it on my finger. Three years today would have marked three years of our happily married life if only I wouldn’t have destroyed us. Three years of love and hope I had destroyed. The marriage vows I took—I broke them in the fucked up state of mine. Tears welled while thinking about what I had done. What I had destroyed. Whom I had made to suffer. I did all this. I killed us in false assumptions. I flushed down two and a half years of love for the sake of a lie. I killed her, destroyed her, and myself in this burning fire of revenge and hatred that wasn’t even needed. Now all I had left was regret. A heart filled with the guilt of destroying her and our sacred bond of marriage that would always weigh upon me. I took a walk down memory lane, only to find myself so alone and empty in this world. The worst part was I couldn’t have her back—not till I had cured myself and killed the remains of the monster in me. I was on a path to find my real self before begging her for a last chance for our love.
I walked out of my silent office, making my way downstairs. A silence that was now omnipresent in my life. Being it late, there weren’t many people to look at the broken man I had become. I was in a sudden need to be back home in our room. I was in need of Eunice right now, but I didn’t have her. I had to make myself content with her memories and the only locket that was left behind. I wished more than once for a miracle to happen and she would be right beside me, but I knew it couldn’t happen. God was not with me and miracles didn’t happen—not with me, because I didn’t deserve them. I didn’t deserve anything good.
As I drove towards my house, I could remember the small moments in my life with her that made me smile. The small moments of happiness that I now cherished forever. Her voice, her rosy scent mixed with a hint of lavender, her smooth skin, her soft lips could bring me to life in a second. Still now, even just a glimpse of her could bring me down to my knees and make me treat her like the goddess she was. I didn’t know why, but I kept on looking on the streets in the anticipation of seeing her, wishing for a miracle to happen to see her just for today—maybe because this was our special day. I wished to see her smile so I could cherish that moment too. However I couldn’t find her in the swarm of people all around, and it wasn’t possible for my wishes to come true. I rushed home, to be in the safe haven of my room before I went crazy looking for Eunice in the city. I didn’t want to hurt her—not today at least. A day of our love wasn’t to be turned into something hurtful for both of us. I just wanted to sleep and walk down memory lane with sweet dreams of us on this important day in our life.
Parking my car, I found myself in a hurry to get inside my safe haven. I pushed open the door of the house instantly. I don’t know why, but I felt more and more urgency to be inside as I got closer to home. As I closed the door and took a breath of relief, I felt something different about the house. It felt like home. I found this place to be different than from past two months. Today it felt warm; the warmth of love was in here. Setting aside my bag, I walked slowly upstairs, taking in the warmth that filled the air inside the house. The house felt alive, like something had changed. My heart beat faster. I was anticipating something. I felt in my gut that there was something behind all of this, something big. As I approached the door, I didn’t know why my heart was restless like she was inside. With shaky hands and spiked heartbeat, I held the knob and turned it gently. Pushing open the door slightly, my nostrils were filled with the rosy scent of Eunice. My body felt more than alive and I willingly drowned in the scent. I felt an urgency to be inside; I pushed the door wide open.
“Eunice,” I whispered, seeing her sitting right there on our bed. She was right there in front of me, in a rosy dress highlighting her body. Her brown eyes glistened with tears, her soft lips coated with red and warmth and life radiating off her body. Had my wish been granted? Was she really here? Or was my mind playing a dirty trick on me? Was I hallucinating? My love, to be here right in front of me. Was this a miracle? I blinked many times to be sure. She was here, here in this house. She was the change here, she made this house more of a home with her love.
“Eunice,” I whispered once again and found myself walking towards her on my own with tears running down my face. I could see a lone tear tracing down her cheek, making me realize completely that she was here. A miracle was here. I was just few meters away from her when I stopped. I stopped and fell on my knees in front of her—for our love, for us. Just one look of her had weakened me, bringing me to my knees. I sat there in front of her, basking in her warm gaze.
“Joshua,” slipped through her lips as tears streamed down her face. In that moment, I broke down in front of her. I cried my heart out because there was nothing better than being with her. There was no other joy in my life than having her. There was no other bigger happiness.
And I was home…
After so many days, I was home…
Because home was where she was…
And right now I was home with her in here…
I was home because she was my home…