Joshua
“Why don’t you just give it up, Joshua?” Nora pleaded. I had been here numerous times in the past two months but I hadn’t lost hope. She kept telling me the same answer every time I asked, but I couldn’t just give up. It felt like giving up on myself, taking away my shredded soul and giving up breathing. That’s how hard it was. Eunice had been gone for two months and there hadn’t been any contact from her side—that was what they told me. I just couldn’t believe that. I had knocked at the doors of her loved ones in the hopes of getting a minuscule bit of information about her whereabouts, but all I ended up with was nothing.
“God, her dad really did a number on you,” Clarisse reminded me. I went to her parents’ house and ended up with black and blue bruises near my eyes and a split lip and a cut near my chin. If it wasn’t for her mother, I would have been dead. The worst part was that I was ready to die. I wished he would have killed me, that her mother wouldn’t have intervened. I was dying every day without Eunice. Sometimes I wanted to do crazy shitty things in the hopes that Eunice would call me—that she would come back. Two months was a long enough time, and I was breaking up from the inside, the will to life had started to diminish, and soon enough it would extinguish.
“Yeah, and he still isn’t giving up,” Nora remarked.
“Joshua,” Clarisse called. She had pity in her eyes. “She ran away. She left all of us. I want to hit her, beat her, cage her only if I could find her. No one knows where she is. I don’t want to say this…but I guess I should. She left because of you. I didn’t want to support her choice of moving on, you know, but for her happiness I did. Now she’s missing and all we got a letter that she was going away. No explanations, no idea where she is. It hurts us too. I…I envied your love once. I wanted something like that but now I see it, I am scared of this love between you. This love of yours has become toxic for both of you. I think, without it, you can’t survive, and neither can she. If I had known anything, I would have told you, because I know the depth of love she had for you. It is really not easy for a love like that to just vanish. I think she’s scared, there are things eating her up, and there is nothing we can do about it. She never talked about you. Your name was a taboo around her, but alone, I saw her distant and lost in her own thoughts. I don’t know what went on there, but her walking out tells me that she is not ready for whatever she has with you. Just understand that, Joshua.” Nora and Clarisse gave me a sympathetic look—the first one I had ever got from them.
Without waiting anymore, I turned and left without a word. I felt shittier than before, and I didn’t know what to do about it. Was I the one to blame for her? But what about me? She walked out on me too. She ran away from me too, but everyone saw me as the devil. I knew I was, but couldn’t a monster like me get a chance to change? I wouldn’t mind her father’s fists nor his jabs if I could just know where she was. Even acid tongues wouldn’t be minded by me. I just wanted Eunice with the same intensity as I wanted air. Ever since she ran away, I had been inching towards death every day. There was only so much pain and misery a man could take. Her running away was like a dent on my soul and heart. Maybe I wasn’t worth anything to her or anyone. Loneliness was meant for me; maybe early death was too…
***
I stared at the ceiling like every other night. It was four in the morning and I couldn’t sleep. My nights had been restless, mostly filled with being awake and staring. There was nothing better to do than stare, stare into an empty space only to find myself empty on the inside. My days were filled with ways to find Eunice and nights with the promises from the past. I vowed to hold her every night, to be by her side always and what not. They were all trashed now, broken, torn down and it made me ashamed of myself.
How did I live such a life? A life where I had hurt her.
The shrilling sound of my phone disturbed me, making me frown.
Who could be calling? It was too early to be from office, and no one else called me because I had no one left. I stared at the phone, gazing at the number flashing like it would magically tell me who it is. I wanted to silence it and just forget about it and I did. Soon the call ended and the flash of the phone died, but I stared at it. Once again the light lit up with the same number. With a sigh, I decided to just hear who it was. It looked like they would keep on calling until I picked it up.
Sliding the green icon, I turned the speaker on.
“Hello,” I said, waiting for the other person to say something. No one spoke and it irritated me. I could hear someone breathing. I concentrated more and could hear the sound of splashing like…
“I’m in Lanai.” Her voice boomed in the empty room. My eyes grew into saucers and I looked at the phone with a rush of emotions. Relief, happiness, calmness, love, guilt, shock, and what not. It was her. I sat upright and put the phone to my ear.
“Eunice.” There was happiness in my voice.
“I’m in Lanai and I’m going to be here for a while,” she said. Every word she spoke brought me back to life, it grew hope in me.
“Are you all right? Are you fine? I’m sorry…I’m really sorry and I really love you,” I said, the words choking in my throat. My lips trembled.
“I hope you know what to do,” she said.
“I will be on the first flight,” I hastily said.
“You have to be on the first flight or else I’ll leave. Send me the details of your flight before you leave at this number.” Saying that, she hung up. The line grew silent and my heart, soul, mind, and ears begged for more. My breathing became ragged. She was in Lanai, she told me. Fucking god!
She called! She fucking called me! God! Thank you, God!
Tears of happiness rolled down my cheeks. It felt like a moment of infinite happiness for me. She herself had told me where she was—something I had been dying to know. She called, I heard her. Damn, I wanted to reach to her. All I wanted was to go there and see her. I wanted to touch her, see her, and feel her. I just didn’t want this to be my dream. It had to be her. She had told me to come as fast as I could or she would leave. I wanted to be there for her, didn’t want to miss her. Without wasting a second, I reached for my laptop and booked the shortest flight from New York to Lanai. It would still take me around fifteen hours to reach there with one stop in between. Damn. Couldn’t direct flights to Lanai exist? I quickly sent her the details of my flight in a message. I tried to call but she didn’t pick up. I just wanted to hear her voice once again. I craved to hear her. I rushed all around the house packing up my duffel bags with the essentials. I didn’t need much. All I wanted was to be with her. I wanted to just see her, beg her. God, do everything humanly possible just to get her to listen to me, to be back in her mind and heart.
The thought of letting her parents and friends know hovered in my mind, but I just pushed it in the back. She had called me and that meant something. It was supposed to. I kept on telling myself the same thing all the way until I was seated on my flight. I was weighed down by keeping the news of her whereabouts to myself but once the plane took off, I shut out those thoughts, letting my mind wander to the sweet memories of the past.
***
Lanai Island…
Fifteen hours later…
The fresh air of Lanai and the bright sun greeted me as I exited the airport. I was holding on to my phone for my dear life. It had Eunice’s number, and all I wanted to do was call her. My heart thudded faster with every step I took. All I wanted was to see her, to reach to her quickly. I was just going to walk out, then I saw my name on a white sheet being held by a brunette with green eyes. She looked nice, but nothing compared to Eunice. Her eyes, however, said something else. She looked through the sea of people and her eyes seemed calculating. Eunice’s name was written there just below mine. It was her writing. I knew it well. Her way of writing H was different. It was more like calligraphy. It stood out differently whenever she wrote. I reached for the paper and touched the letters. For me, the person holding it was lost. The girl let the paper go and I was the one holding it. I looked at it as if it was the answer to all my questions. It felt like she was there, and if I looked up, she would be there. However, when I looked up I saw the observant eyes of someone else. With a slight tilt of her head, she stared at me, and it felt creepy.
“Joshua,” she called, and her voice was not what I had thought to be. It was motherly and caring. I thought it would be either sarcastic or something wicked.
“Let’s go.” She turned around and walked forward while I stood glued to the spot with my name in Eunice’s handwriting. I was still admiring every letter of it.
“Chop, Joshua, or you won’t see her,” she said with narrowed eyes and a light smile to her lips. She looked dangerous, and at the same time her voice sounded friendly and concerned. God, who was this woman? I followed her because all I wanted was to get to Eunice, and this woman was the only way through which I could get to her. We sat in her SUV, and soon we were out of the airport. There was no conversation, only silence, which I was too eager to break with my questions about Eunice. How was she? What was she doing? Was she all right? And who the hell was this woman driving the car? I was a fucking dog, a puppy for Eunice. I just wanted to be with her because I fucking missed her a lot and loved her with all I had. Living without her was a life filled with nothing. It felt better to die than survive without her. Was that what I would do after leaving this island? The worry crept inside of me. What was going to be my fate? Death or a new beginning?
“She’s going to meet you in a while. We’re going to my house, and from there I will take you to meet her,” she said, and my heart dropped into my stomach. When could we? What the fuck! How much of a wait? Why the fucking wait? I wanted to shout out, throw a tantrum. Run all over the place and just find Eunice, but I didn’t know where to start. I was scared of what was to come. I could feel myself sweating even with the blasting air conditioner.
“It won’t be a long wait,” she said, making me snap out of my misery. I looked at her like she was a wicked witch. Long wait, weren’t fifteen fucking hours enough?
“I’m Clara, Eunice’s neighbor.” I just nodded and stared out. My heart was beating fast enough that it felt like it would just burst out. W A I T, four letters that were trying to kill me through a slow, tortured death. Two months of wait and it was so hard to even think to wait for even one more minute. I loved her. I knew it from the depths of my bones, from every part of me. Every pore on my skin screamed out to me of my love to her. What I had been through…I don’t ever want that again. The misery, pain, hatred for myself, guilt, remorse, the pent-up frustration of not being able to do anything and the never-ending pain of knowing that I had hurt the one person I had left in the world for me. It ripped me apart to the point where I couldn’t glue myself back together on my own, not without the presence of love, without her.
“We’re here, lover boy,” she said, and it was hard for me to notice that the car had come to a halt. Everything was hard without Eunice. I sat there in the car staring at the house in front of me. It was the perfect home, white and serene, surrounded by the lush beauty of nature. There were many similar houses lined up there. Clara knocked on the window, gaining my attention. She signed of going inside, and only when she disappeared inside the house did I reach for the door to get out. My hands were trembling. With each step I took I felt the blood drain out of me. I would see her soon.
Would she be here? Or somewhere nearby? The thoughts kept bombarding my mind. I was this close and yet even this distance seemed so far, so long. Clara stood in the doorway of the house while staring at me, more like squinting her eyes at me.
“Ever gonna come inside, or do you want to stay glued there for the rest of the day?” she said, and it seemed much like a taunt. She was observant, calculating, and why in the hell had Eunice become her friend? I walked inside her house to the living room with my heart beating a million time faster than it normally did.
“Have a seat,” Clara told me, and with too much uncertainty, I sat down, keeping my hands and feet pulled in close. I don’t know why, but I was nervous as hell, and her observant eyes weren’t helping me stay calm. She smiled too much. Her phone rang, and I couldn’t have been any happier than to have her not stare at me anymore.
“Hey, how are you doing?” she answered after looking.
“I’m fine. Do you mind if I call you later? I’m a bit busy right now.” I wanted to yell that she wasn’t.
“Okay, talk to you later.” With that, my hopes of not having her stare at me and interact with me died down. She sat on a seat opposite mine, while I looked all around her house. She was a family woman. I could see photos of her family hanging proudly on her wall. I openly stared at the photo. Longing for something that I had terribly lost.
“That’s my daughter, Sarah, and my husband, Nathan. Isn’t it a beautiful family?” she asked and I nodded without looking at her.
“I know you had one too,” she said, snapping my attention towards her. I turned to her abruptly, our eyes looking at each other.
“Eunice told me everything, more like I had to force things out of her. Not an easy thing to do when a person wants to forget one’s problems and vanish.” I listened eagerly and carefully to every word she said.
“She has told me about the ways you treated her, your sick revenge upon her, and much more.” Her words hit me like a punch. It was the bitter truth that I had accepted, but bringing it up always hit home.
“You know I won’t lie, Joshua, and say you were the devil and the monster that mothers warn about. I see you more as a victim of your own thoughts. The thoughts that were sown in your mind long ago, like the fact that stepmothers are always devious. I swear Snow White and Cinderella stories would have reached in your mind even when you wouldn’t have given heed to them. As you grew up, those thoughts were lost, but somewhere deep in your mind, they slept. When Ella’s grandmother first bought them up, they were awakened. After the trauma of Elle’s death, those thoughts, they were present but neutral. When her grandmother accused Eunice, those thoughts were standing tall and gaining your attention. Those thoughts plagued your mind deeply. You couldn’t have gotten out of it. Those sick thoughts pushed you far away on a path of revenge. You lived on the fuel of your passion, of hurting Eunice and killing the devil she was.” I had been told things but never like this before. The way she shone light on the dark days of my life, I understood the depth of how deep my mind was plagued before.
“Joshua, after what I just told you, I’m going to ask you something. Do you think that you could have done anything in the past to prevent reaching the same results as you did now?” I looked at her, thinking over the analysis she made of me. Could any different choice I would have made make any difference to what had happened?
“No, I don’t think any other choice would have prevented me from ending up here. Nothing could have changed the way that I acted,” I told her, staring at the ground. It was the bitter truth; I had accepted it and was ashamed of it.
“It’s good to know that you accept that nothing could have changed what you were. You know, Joshua, everyone learns from their mistakes, but it’s necessary to first accept that a mistake has been made and nothing could have been done in any way to prevent it from happening. You accepted your mistake, and the best part is that you have learned from it. So be a bit proud of yourself.” I looked up at her smiling face and for the first time, I felt like a better man.
“One more question, Joshua, and I want you to answer with a clear mind and a lot of thought. Okay?” I nodded.
“Did you ever in your fucked up mind love Anne? Ever?” Her question took me back and I stared at her wide-eyed.
“Think and tell, remember,” she said, making me take a walk down memory lane. I closed my eyes and went through each and every memory I had of Anne. I tried to find any essence of love for her and came back with the same answer again and again. Never. I had never loved her and never would.
“No, I never did and never could.” She observed me. Minutes of silence passed between us.
“So then how did she become the one closest to you? Why was she the one whom you were more involved with in getting your revenge upon Eunice?” Her questions were just kicking me to the curb. They were out of my mind, all about something I never thought before. So much was going through my mind. Why was Anne so important in my passion for revenge? Why? I thought and thought until the memory of the church hit me, like a ball of flames it hit me.
“Because she was like family. She might have hated Eunice, but her parents and Eunice’s treated both of them as their own daughters. Going on to have an affair with her would have hit home to Eunice because to the world, the perception of Anne and Eunice was more like sisters. Taking someone from the family would have hurt Eunice the most, and that’s why I chose Anne. I didn’t see her as a person, but someone I could control and use to hurt Eunice. It was funny to know in the end that Anne was already being used by her mother for the sake of love she had never found. Isn’t this world fucked up? I, on the other hand, was the most fucked up.” I chuckled at myself.
“I’ve got to agree with you on that, Joshua. This world is fucked up, and we all fuck up, one way or another.” She laughed herself.
“You see my family there,” she says, pointing towards the framed photo of her family.
“From your view, it looks like a perfect family but it has never been easy. Nathan and I didn’t have it easy. We got married because we were childhood friends, but we were not really that into each other. Our parents wanted us to happen, and like idiots we thought it was a good idea. Dated, liked each other, had romantic moments, but everything shattered after marriage. We fought like cats and dogs, clawing at each other’s throat. He cheated in a haze of drunkenness and then I cheated on him as revenge. We were toxic. We would angry fuck each other and the next day someone else, just to hurt one another. Tears and pain were all I got from my first year of marriage. God, we were married and we broke every one of our vows every time. Our parents were fed up with us, we broke their hearts. However, one day we were fighting savagely, accusing each other and what not. Nathan was driving, and in the haze of fighting and anger, he lost control of the car. Before we could bring the car to a halt, our car struck a truck from my side. That was the day we changed. I had the worst injuries, he had two fractures. Nothing permanent, but he lost his career as a baseball player. Doctors told me that something pierced my lower abdomen. I lost ninety percent of my chance to ever be a mother. It was the day I cried the most. It may sound funny, but it was my dream to be a mother. After learning this along with the news of losing his career, Nathan turned away from me. Months passed and we rarely looked at each other.” There was this sadness in her eyes and it made me remember Eunice in an instant.
“I thought he hated me, blamed me for everything that happened. I was quite sure he was gonna leave me, so I took the first step. I got the divorce papers ready, signed them, and sent them him to his office. Five months of silence, and the first word I heard from him was I was fucking crazy followed by a sorry. He came home with tears rolling down his cheeks. He didn’t hate me. He was ashamed of himself and what we had done to each other, guilt-ridden of taking my dream from me and making me lose a chance to have a child.” She sighed.
“After a year and a half of marriage, for the first time we talked as civil people and got to know each other. We cried over our mistakes and for losing so much time. After that day we tried to save our marriage. We worked hard. It wasn’t easy, we still got on each other’s nerves and we still do, but we learned from our past mistakes. I found a new dream and pursued a degree to be a psychologist. Took time and patience, but with Nathan by my side everything was achievable. Six years later we found out I was pregnant. Nathan cried like a baby. It was a miracle. We never expected it, Joshua, and it still hurts to know that we wasted a good portion of our lives in fighting and tears when we could have had the same happiness back then, but then we both knew that if life hadn’t taken the turns it did, we would have been dead or divorced. We were sure about the fact we really wouldn’t have been the same people we are. So Joshua, whatever happens, it happens for a reason, and nothing can change it. One can always hope for a better future rather than cry over the past. I won’t say don’t visit the past anymore or forget it. Remember it and learn from it, that is the only way one can move on.” Clara smiled, and it lit the room with a certain kind of positivity. Maybe it was just me feeling encouraged from her words or maybe one can really move on. Maybe I could too.
“So Joshua, are you ready to meet Eunice now?” she asked. I wasn’t nervous. I just looked forward to meeting her. However today ends, I would be content with the fact that I love her and always will. I had made mistakes and I could now leave it in the past and look forward to a future. I nodded to her with a bright smile.
“Let’s go,” She stood up and we walked towards the door. She waited for me beside the wide opened door. I was eager as a child getting to meet Santa. Eunice was my Santa, my god, and the almighty for me.
“Eunice is just next door, in the house to the left.” She paused and took a deep breath. “Before you go in there, I need to tell you something important.” I frowned at her. One moment I was trying my best to cheer up but her words were taking it away.
“I won’t say that there is no need to worry. First, Eunice has heard our conversation through the phone. I wanted her to,” she says, pointing to the phone in her hand. I stared at it with haunted eyes.
“Second, Joshua, you are ready to face life and get back your love. You have shed the anger and pain from the past, and now, right here, decided to move on. I can tell from the way your mood uplifted. However, Eunice has some anger left in her, basically anger towards you for hurting her. It’s left mainly because she was not allowed to get it out on you. She never got the opportunity, so she might scream at you, but don’t worry, you have enough courage and belief to dampen any bad time coming your way. Just believe in yourself and your love for her.” She stepped out of the door with me.
“All the best,” she said, pointing towards the house next door. I stared at the house and then back towards Clara, but she was not there, she was closing the door of her house and leaving me on her porch. So much for uplifting my mood, I wanted to yell. I was back to being nervous again. With a deep breath, I walked towards her house, my heart beating fast against my ribs. I stepped on her porch and stared at the bell. It was really hard to tell what I felt while reaching for the bell. It was pure torture. The bell rang and the door opened too quickly. To say I was startled was an understatement. The door opened, and before I could say something or could look clearly at Eunice, she turned back and went inside the house. I stood there for a minute or two, thinking about what happened. I stepped inside. The house was filled with the scent of lavender and roses. My steps were dim as I went deep in the house. Walking down a hallway, I reached the living room. Eunice stood by the window with a steaming cup in her hand. She wasn’t looking at me, but I could feel her eyes burning me from the inside. We stood in comfortable silence.
“I really hate you, and at the same time, I freaking love you.” Her voice was clear and loud. I felt content in hearing the last part of the sentence. She loved, and that was good enough for me. I could live with her hatred. I could bear it if love comes with it. She looked straight at me with her eyes red and puffy. Tears still glistened in her eyes. Leaving her mug on the windowsill, she walked towards me, and with every step she took my heart fluttered. She hadn’t changed…she was the same Eunice I had fallen in love with. She was as beautiful as I could imagine. The scent of her perfume invaded my nose and it reminded me of the happy times when we were in the beginning of our relationship. Picnics in the sunny day of spring with her bright smile. She was a breath of fresh air for me. She had blown me away. Those were the days I missed the most. We loved each other the most, I made time for her, I always did, and she loved me.
“What the fuck!” I shouted as a stinging pain throbbed in my left cheek. It took me a fucking minute to understand that Eunice had slapped me. I looked at her with wide eyes, shocked. Eunice stood there with fury in her eyes. My heart fell in the pit of my stomach. The sunny side of my life had just turned into shades of black.
“Eunice,” I whispered.
“I—” Before I could say anymore, I got another stinging slap on the other side of my face. There were tears in her eyes and her slap didn’t hurt as much as her tears. I couldn’t see her like this. I had given her a lifetime of pain.
“First slap was for cheating on me. For all those times when you hurt me by sleeping with other fucking women. You know I should fucking castrate your dick for what you did to me, and I swear to god I would do it if I learned you had it in another woman. I won’t really take a minute to think about not doing it,” she seethed at me. Stepping into my personal space, she grabbed my jaw and looked straight in my eyes.
“And the second one was for you blaming me for Elle’s death,” she sobbed out and my head dropped in shame. I was wrong and nothing could ever change the mistake I made. I hurt her feelings and broke her heart. I humiliated her and put her heart and soul through pain.
“You really don’t have any fucking idea about what you made me go through, Joshua. I don’t think you could have borne even a fraction of the pain I went through. For the past year of my life, I went through hell and came back. Do you have any idea why? Do you have any idea how it feels?” she asked, jabbing my chest while tears rolled down her cheeks. I was the devil behind her tears. I had done this to her, taken her to my own personal hell. Whatever I do, I couldn’t reverse the effect it left on Eunice. I couldn’t do a single thing other than be sorry and grovel at her feet for forgiveness and one last chance.
“I’m sorry,” I breathed while clinging to the three words to not to let me fall down into the pit of misery. I couldn’t right now. Eunice was so close to me, and I really couldn’t lose myself in the months of guilt and shame that I carried. It was a fucking torment to see her like this.
“You hurt me too much, Joshua, too much. I tried to kill myself, damn it! I wanted to die!” she screamed while her brittle hands hit me on the chest. We cried for the pain we had suffered but I cried in her pain, the pain I had given her. Could we ever move on?
“All you can say is sorry, Joshua, but is it enough for the pain I suffered, the heartbreak I went through? You didn’t throw away and punch my heart once, but twice, Joshua. You killed me by accusing me of hurting Elle and with your fucked up revenge, and then you rejected me on the day of your wedding to Anne. I begged you, Joshua! I begged you to choose me, to love me. How pathetic did you make me? Didn’t you see it in the way I pleaded you in the lowest point of my life? How could you have been so cruel to me? How? You said you loved me and you always will. Is this the way our love is supposed to be? For your sick revenge, you bedded Anne. You admitted you never loved her, but how could you have waited for her on that aisle? I was ready to sacrifice my happiness for yours once again, and yet you chose to stand there in the aisle waiting for your bride. I can’t understand you, Joshua! Is this the way you love me? I have been rejected twice in my life by the same man with whom I had woven the dreams of forever with love. You have hurt me so much that I have been scared to love you again. I ran away because I loved you. I always will, and it scares me, Joshua.” I fell to my knees and heaved.
“I’m sorry,” I bawled. “I’m sorry.” Hearing her say those words hurt me in a way I could have never thought. Her telling the depth of what she went through made it all feel so real. I had been so cruel to her while I was mentally fucked up, and when I was back to my senses, I had hurt her once again. She knew about all the baggage I was bringing and yet she was ready to be with me. I rejected her, and with that, I rejected the love she had for me, the deep, passionate love that I longed for now. I looked at the pool of tears I had shed. They seemed nothing as compared to the tears I had made Eunice shed. She had every right to ask me these questions. I was asking her to put her faith and trust in me once again. She was scared, and I couldn’t do anything to end her fear because I was the one who engraved it on her heart. How could I change it? How could I make her believe in the love I feel deep in my bones?
“I don’t know how to make you believe in me, Eunice.” I sniveled, looking at her. “I am a man who lost it all. Without you, I am certainly nothing, Eunice. Nothing. I have been the most foolish and idiotic man who accused you of those horrible things and made you suffer in a way I would never wish anyone to suffer. I can’t meet up with the pain you had caused, but if I have to get that last chance from you, Eunice, I would do it in a heartbeat, because I know at the end of the storm you will be there. I will be close to you and make you believe in the love I have for you here, inside my heart.” My hand went to my heart while my eyes begged her to understand me.
“You have every right to fear even my shadow, Eunice. I get it, I really do, but my heart doesn’t. It has been so lonely without you. Nothing seems to be the same anymore, nothing feels like it’s enough. There is everything and yet I am lonely, from the inside I am dying.” I saw the pain she felt, the misery of seeing me with others, and her heart breaking with every wrong step I took. I felt the pain she had right now, and I wanted to die in it if I really couldn’t get her love.
“That night all the things I said to you, Eunice. I meant each and every word. I crave for your smile, scent, and that love you had for me. I need it with every breath I take. Sometimes I know I am being so selfish to ask you to come back to me, Eunice, but it is really hard. These two months when you walked out of everyone’s lives, I blamed myself. I knocked on every door I could, hoping to find out something about you. I didn’t care about the fists that came from yours and Anne’s fathers because I needed to know about you, Eunice. I would have died for even the tiny information I could find about you. The thought of you gone and not knowing how you were killed me every night. I can’t do anything to make me repent the sins I had made, but if you can think of anything, do it, Eunice. I am at your mercy. Ask me to do anything you want to make me repent for the mistakes I made. I won’t question you about them, all I ask is for you to give that one last chance, Eunice, because without you I can’t really live anymore. I promise to never hurt you ever again, never. I would rather die than break your heart again. I promise to never have your faith and trust lost in me. I will never let those shatter or even crack. Give me one chance to prove that this time our future is going to be bright and filled with the dreams you built. Just one last chance. One chance—” I heaved. I broke down in front of her with my hands begging her to give me that chance. I needed that one chance more than the air I breathed. I couldn’t live a day without her. I just couldn’t. Her soft hands touched mine and I stared at her. She got on her knees with a tear-streaked face.
“I love you, Joshua.” I cried more and more. “I will always love you. I never stopped loving you, it just wasn’t possible. You have ingrained yourself in every strand of my soul.” She wiped my tears away.
“I need you the way you need me, Joshua. I have been so scared and confused that I couldn’t understand what I was doing. I wanted to hate you for everything you did to me and love you for the person you were and now are. I never let this burning hatred inside me out, this anger didn’t die, but today, right now it did. I have let it all out in the open.” She sobbed. “Today I have let go of the hatred for you inside of me. You know it all now, Joshua. You know my doubts, pain, and suffering. You get what I went through, you get it.” She smiled and wept.
“I really hope you don’t ever break my heart again, Joshua. It is so brittle and weak. Just don’t ever hurt me again. Please, I beg you. Don’t make me regret choosing you again.” She cried out and I reached for her, enveloping her in my arms. I cried tears of happiness. She was giving me one last chance; I would never let her regret it. Never. We both cried the last tears for the pain we both suffered. This was our beginning, our revival from the last strands of love to the beginning of new chapters in our life.