Eunice
I breathed a sigh of relief as we got away from my house. The memories of last night weighed me down. I had to control myself so I wouldn’t fall back in the hole of depression and sadness. I had tried to stay strong in his presence. I saw him from the corner of my eyes, staring at me. Looking at me intensely like it was the first time he had seen me. He didn’t try to show his presence and soon returned where he came from. As I looked at my reflection in the car window I remembered being scared of what was inside of him, of the rage he must have felt at seeing me like this. I have never tried to wear revealing clothes, let alone bold colors like red and black. I preferred brighter, softer ones. I was seeing myself in a light like never before. Clarisse’s stylist had worked wonders on me with this new look. It was different. It was not me, but that was what I wanted.
“That went well, I guess,” Clarisse breathed out, breaking the silence inside the car.
“I think so,” I whispered while looking outside. I don’t know why, but there was a nagging feeling that something wasn’t right, an intuition of something going downhill.
“He looked at you like you were a high-class piece of meat. I think he was drooling over your new look,” Clarisse quipped. It was her idea to make him jealous, to make him realize how strong and independent I have become without him. However, I was scared that this would backfire on me. Joshua was no longer my Joshua. He was a different man with me, a sadist, a lover of my tears and pain. He was a man whose mind was filled with wicked thoughts and false accusations. It felt like he was so deeply lost in his mind that there existed no hope for him to find back his way to reality, to me. The clouds of hatred and pain had fogged his mind and had him betray me in the worst way.
“Eunice, are you all right?” Clarisse asked me from the driver’s seat, looking worried. We were on our way to her house before leaving for the nightclub while Nora followed us in her car with her driver, who would drop us off and pick us up later.
“Yeah, just thinking,” I said with a slight smile to ease her worry. This night was their idea of fun. They wanted to make me feel wild. A night filled with drinks, DJs, and dancing, but I was unsure. What have you done to me, Joshua? I wasn’t usually unsure about the things I do, but during the past six months, I have been doubting, unsure of everything and anything. Scared that I might do everything wrong in his eyes. He had broken the stronger me and left emptiness inside, an emptiness that killed me from the inside out.
“About what, Joshua?” she asked hesitantly. I didn’t want to think about him, I shouldn’t. He wasn’t worth my time. He hurt me. I had to remember that. I wanted to stand up for myself and live life. If I wanted those things to happen, I had to let go of him.
“No. About how awesome our night is going to be. I’m looking forward to it,” I lied while pasting a smile on my face, trying to convince her and myself that I was fine. Clarisse smiled at me and once again we were engulfed with the music from the radio.
I had to let go of my love for him because if I didn’t, I don’t think I could ever love again. I love him and yet I had to remind myself that he wasn’t the man anymore who swept me off my feet, who made my heart flutter, made my cheeks burn with just one stare. He wasn’t that man anymore I had fallen in love with. He was a changed man who loved something other than me and my happiness. He liked Anne, had her replace me while keeping me to exercise his sadism over.
He didn’t love my smile anymore. He loved my tears. He had a dark side now, and as much as I tried to live with this new version, it was getting harder and harder. Like thorns protected the rose, he had walls around his heart. All his attempts at torture were thorns pricking my heart. Every time I wished to find his heart that fluttered for me, he would use his torture as a thorn to hurt me, but at the same time protect himself. That is why I had to let my love for him go. The hope that he would find his way back was already dead. The only thing I still had was my love for him, which now needed to be let go of. I knew it would take time—a lot of time, and it would be hell. But now I needed to start to mend this broken heart of mine. I needed to make it stronger and stronger, heal it to let someone in again, because as much as I lied to myself, I knew there was nothing left of me and Joshua.
I don’t think he would ever believe me, even if I had presented the proof to him that I didn’t hurt Elle intentionally. I loved her and Joshua so much that I had never thought of living without them. There was this urge inside me about trying to approach him today and tell him the truth, but I knew it wouldn’t be of any use. Moreover, I think it would be best if he didn’t know about it. Why give him more pain when we were going to surely walk our different paths? He would think me to be more of a liar and a monster if I let him in on the truth I had enclosed in my bleeding heart. He wouldn’t understand anything. He would accept neither my pain nor my reasons.
It’s better this way, I consoled myself. I had once again let this part of me surface and hoped to forget it, because in the end I was the one most affected by it.
Thirty minutes later, we reached Clarisse’s house and dived into preparing to go to the club. I wanted to wear the red dress. Damn, even I got comfortable in it, but Clarisse and Nora decided I needed to wear a royal blue one—a dress I was dreading to wear because it was a little shorter, it was sleeveless, and the top had a deep V-neck that would put on quite the show. Besides all this, it was too revealing and that was something I wasn’t comfortable with yet. The two devils didn’t give me a choice because they clearly said if I was changing I need to get out of the 60s dressing style—not even the 70s or 80s—the 60s. It was their idea of being wild and fun. I only knew one thing: I was in for one hell of a night.
We were ready after a good two hours, which were not heaven for me at all with both of them trying to help me at the same time. We munched on some light snacks to keep ourselves from starving. I had no idea where would I end up tonight, but I prayed that wherever it was, it would have a soft bed and fluffy pillows. I know it was awkward to ask for this, but I was literally exhausted from the pampering, then trying to find new clothes. Shopping was good, but it was too exhausting. I hoped that all the exhaustion I went through would help me reach somewhere new and better.
“Let’s get going,” Clarisse yelled with her hands up in the air, posing like a model. She had been able to lighten my mood a lot with that charming, friendly personality of hers.
“The driver is bringing the car to the doorway. Let’s leave at last,” Nora said with a smile. She wanted this, Clarisse wanted this, and I should too, but I didn’t know why there was a feeling of dread inside the pit of my stomach. All the way to the club I could feel this dead feeling that something wasn’t going to be right. I tried to be normal as much as I could, but I couldn’t shake off this feeling. We soon reached the club, and thanks to Clarisse, we were able to get in easily without any wait. The blasting music added to my discomfort. My heartbeat spiked, and I grew more worried and scared. It had been more than two years since I had been to a club. Not only that, but that vague feeling of unease continued to grow.
“Let’s get drinks,” Clarisse declared excitedly. She took my hand and dragged me towards the bar with Nora in tow.
“Hey, can we get tequila shots for three of us?” Clarisse said, giving the bartender her sweet, flirty smile. It had been so long since I’d even had alcohol other than red wine. The bartender bought the tequila shots with salt and lemon and placed them in front of us.
“Thank you, and keep them coming,” she told the bartender and winked. I turned towards Nora to see her reaction to this, but she was calm.
“Is getting drunk necessary?” I asked Nora, trying my best to show my discomfort.
“You need to loosen up, Eunice. You need to stop caring. Enjoy this time right now. You are a changed person and this is what you want—wildness and fun.” Nora tried to make me understand.
“Eunice, you need to lose all your worries with this,” Clarisse said while pointing to the tequila shots. “You need to forget about Joshua’s betrayal and sharp words. You need to change and let the past go, and right now this is only going to help you. Don’t you want to forget what all he has done, about Anne and other girls warming his bed, about him blaming you? You want to forget them, right?” she added while bringing the tequila shot in front of my face.
Flashes of Anne and Joshua together passed before my eyes, anger boiled inside me. When you killed her. His words swam in my mind, making me burn with anger and that bitter taste of betrayal. In a moment I grabbed the glass from Clarisse and downed it. The clear liquid burned my throat, giving me a different kind of sensation. The anger coursing through my veins got mixed with the alcohol, only giving me more incentive to drink more to forget, to let go. There was nothing left to hold onto for me and Joshua, and I had to let go. Forget him and my love for him. Taking another glass, I downed it as Clarisse and Nora looked at me. Squeezing the lemon on my tongue, I let the taste of the alcohol burn me. I didn’t care about the taste. I loved the burning sensation it gave me. Loved the way it helped me to let things go. The blasting music seemed alluring to me. Clarisse downed the leftover glasses of tequila beside me.
“Can we have more?” Nora asked the bartender. More of the clear liquid was now presented in front of us. Nine glasses were in front of me. Without waiting for anyone I downed the glasses one after another while sucking the lemon in between. After downing three of them, I found myself loosening up and a different kind of courage building up in me. My main aim was to forget and enjoy. Clarisse gave me one of her shots. Turning around, I looked at the people on the dance floor. They were enjoying themselves, they didn’t have much to care about, they were free and I wanted that, the freedom from this sucking life of mine.
“Let’s dance,” I yelled, looking at Nora. She nodded and smiled. She gave me one of the shots she held and together we downed it. Clarisse clapped as we set our glasses down.
“You are free, Eunice,” Clarisse told me. Taking my hand, she dragged me through the crowd on the dance floor. I took Nora’s hand and dragged her with me too. The music was blasting with “I Can’t Stop Drinking About You.” The beats made my body move on its own accord. Nora and Clarisse danced with me, letting themselves loose like others. I loved this feeling of being carefree and filled with life.
I loved him more than I loved myself, but he didn’t reciprocate. I wanted to forget him and who I was with him. Rubbing myself in the swarm of people, I stopped worrying and thinking. I had nothing to worry or take care of. I was alone now; I was free from the shackles of Joshua’s sickening games and his mind.
He had found his heaven in the arms of another, in the arms of Anne last night. He was no one to me now. He had killed me and the happiness in my life. He had tortured me, made my heart break, and stabbed me in the back. Anne made fun of my help and friendship. They had made fun of me, torn me apart, and let my heart bleed. The images of them in each other’s arms flashed before my eyes. My body burned with anger. I wanted to forget him and his love, our marriage, everything about him since I first saw him. He was dead, he was no one. I closed my eyes and let myself get lost in the music. Let myself lose, leaving the Eunice who fell in love with Joshua behind.
I felt someone behind me. It was a manly presence. It should have left me in discomfort and made me run—but no more. I let my body grind against his front. His rough hand moved all over my body, his hot breath fanning my neck. I loved the warmth he gave me, the way he touched me. I didn’t know if it was alcohol speaking or me, but I didn’t care.
No one will love you anymore, Joshua. Not even me. My love for you was going to get lost even if I had to kill myself to make it happen.
The rough hands of that man pulled me closer. There was barely any space left between us. I moved against him, rubbing myself on him, grinding myself on him. The old me wouldn’t have ever done this, but that old me was killed by Joshua. There was nothing left of her. Bringing my hands up, I let them roam in his hair as he kissed my neck. I found him responding to my touch, as I could feel him poking me. I turned my neck to the side, giving him more space to kiss. I don’t know why, but images of Joshua kissing me and holding me under his lustful gaze passed through my mind.
“Joshua.” The name slipped out of my lips in a whisper on its own.
My eyes flashed opened. Why did I remember him? I moved away from the person behind me. I needed more to drink. I needed to forget him and his touch. Joshua was hazardous for me, he was toxic. Unable to find Clarisse and Nora, I decided to get the drink myself. I didn’t need to spoil their fun. Moving towards the bar, I found a pair of green piercing eyes looking at me. The same green eyes that I had looked into many times, those eyes that had turned from warm to cold hatred. My steps came to a halt. I stood frozen on the spot. Joshua was right there at the bar in a crisp shirt and jeans with anger-filled eyes. My heartbeat spiked with the anticipation of something bad returning to me. I looked back to find Nora and Clarisse, but they were nowhere to be found. I was getting nervous and scared a bit. The effect of alcohol was still present, but I was growing weak with worry. I suddenly felt a hand holding my face roughly and making me turn towards it. I looked up to find myself under the cold gaze of Joshua.
“You looked so comfortable in the embrace of that guy who was just kissing you,” he taunted. “Who is he? Your part-time lover or your partner in crime to kill Elle, my dear wife?” Joshua asked, every word laced with venom. His eyes were filled with fury. I tried to stay strong but they still scared me. His hold on my face grew harder. His words made the anger I was holding in erupt. He couldn’t blame me for something I didn’t do! I was done with him. I broke my hard gaze from his and tried to get out of his hold. The courage inside me that had grown from the alcohol returned. I struggled, and at last I was able to get rid of him.
“Don’t bring me down to your level, Joshua. I am…not the one who needs lovers, only you can stoop so low. You say I killed Elle—grow your pea-sized…brain, and get it…through that skull of yours, that I…I didn’t kill her. I freaking loved her the most, more than you ever could. While you were busy doing god knows what, I was the one raising her. So stop saying the fuck that I killed…her because it wasn’t me. You know how it makes me feel that you’re trying to blame me for it, because I think deep down, you know you are to be blamed for her…death!” I lashed out while poking at his chest. I was a bit tipsy and some of my words came out a bit slurred. I was breathing heavily and was a bit shocked by own words. I stepped away from him and looked around. I was quite sure that it was the tequila that made me say this. It built up the courage and made me speak something wrong, made me somewhat like Joshua himself. The music was still blasting in the club, but there were many gazes on us.
I saw Nora and Clarisse making their way towards me. I turned around and walked to them when I felt a tug on my wrist. I was turned around hastily as a hard grip on my wrist jerked me forward. I found myself face to face with a dangerous Joshua, burning with anger. I wiggled out of his hold and suddenly he let me go. Before I could say something or anything, I felt a sharp piercing pain on my cheek with a force that made me stumble and fall on the ground. Only when I thought he couldn’t torture me anymore, couldn’t stoop any lower, he took it to a whole new level. He had slapped me, raised his hand against me for the very first time. It hurt me like never before. Everyone came to a halt. I was left humiliated in front of them all. The effect of liquid courage drained out, leaving behind fuming anger and pain. Now I understood the feeling I’d been getting the whole day. There was a storm coming, and I didn’t know where I would end up after it passed.