Joshua
Two days later…
I was numb. Vodka was my medicine and sleep was my enemy. Every time I slept I would see her, hear her laugh, feel her touching me. But all of it was an illusion, a dream that couldn’t be fulfilled. She was not coming back, we were done, and it tore my heart and soul apart. Why couldn’t she come back rather than leaving me haunted in the memories of the past? Who was I to blame for this pain I felt, the void that exists in my heart? Love was all I wanted from her. Taking that love of hers for granted for so long, betraying her in every move, tainting our home had left me with nothing but an empty house and heart. I had ruined her, but I had called destruction down upon myself. Without her I was empty, my life meant nothing to me. She said to find ourselves, but how could I do that when she was too far away? I wanted to let myself loose in the alcohol until I entered the state of oblivion. I didn’t know what to live for, how to control myself. What life was became the biggest question for me. Even if I wanted to start things over, how would I when guilt and shame drowned me to the bottom? I was lost, that was all I understood. I hated living alone in the big house, being haunted by the happy memories of the past that were torn apart because of my fucked fate and mind.
The doorbell rang with the pure evil intention of irritating me. But behind that doorbell was someone who had come to grace me with their presence. The thought of facing someone after the utter destruction of my life made me want to crawl into a cave. What was left for me to face? Pain and loneliness were constant reminders, telling me what I had done. The persistent ringing of the doorbell irritated me to new levels, where my mind was clouded by the thoughts of ripping the life out of that person who had come to talk to me. With pure annoyance and anger lingering inside, I accumulated the energy to stand up and walk to the door. On wobbling legs, I made myself approach the door, but halted as my greatest enemy came face to face with me. The bloody stairs, why did they have to exist in my house? My drunken state had taught me all about the injuries from gliding down the stairs. The bruises on my shoulder were proof enough. Latching myself onto the railing, my wobbly legs became capable of bringing me down. The doorbell ringing was now accompanied by banging on my door. After a good five minutes, I was able to reach my destination, my ears bleeding from the irritating, uninvited noises. Throwing open the door, I looked for the person behind this torture.
“What the hell took you so long?” Alex yelled. Balancing myself, I tried to stand straight, but vodka had me drowned as well.
‘Damn, you reek like an alcoholic.” His loud voice, laced with disgust, had no effect on me. He pushed me and dragged me inside of the house. It felt like a punishment.
“What the hell have you been doing? Everyone keeps calling you and you won’t even answer your damn phone. What’s up with you?” He glowered at me. I just shrugged, and I was quite sure it pissed him off more. Like a stubborn ass, I started to walk back upstairs, only to be dragged back by Alex. I wasn’t able to even understand what was happening all around me. He pushed me on the sofa, looking at me angrily.
“I asked you, damn it!” he yelled, but it didn’t affect me at all. I didn’t care about whoever called unless it was Eunice. She was the only being I cared about. It was the truth that without her, my life had become aimless and turned into nothing.
“Did she call?” I slurred out without even thinking. I already knew the answer.
“Yes, she called last night, and that’s why I’m here rather than enjoying my day with my wife. Do you even fucking care how your own decisions are fucking affecting everyone? Do you have a single idea about how desperate Eunice was when she asked me to go and check on you? God damn it, Joshua, you are not a five-year-old, you are a fucking grown up, so please act like one,” he seethed out in anger, yet nothing got inside my mind besides the fact that Eunice called. She called and asked to know about me. A smile graced my lips, a feeling of contentment took over in knowing that she still cared.
“Oh no, boy, don’t you dare smile at me, you idiot. Eunice called because she was scared that you would do something reckless, and she wasn’t ready to add the guilt of something happening to you. She also left the message to remind you that you have to fucking move on, that you have to find yourself, and start your life once again. She asked me to deliver this message to you myself, and asked that you forget her, that it would be better for your sake and hers also.” His words hurt, stabbed me in the heart. Forget her? Was it really that easy? I was in a place where I couldn’t move forward or even go back. Sadness filled me.
“God damn, Joshua, you have to fucking move on. Get the fuck away from this disastrous life you’re leading. Drowning in alcohol, living in your past. Get the hell out of there. You’re fucking upset—I get it. You haven’t been yourself for the past several months, and you have to fucking get yourself back. You know, I’m glad Eunice and Elle aren’t here, because it would have fucked up their worlds seeing you here like a piece of shit—turning yourself into an alcoholic. You are becoming the man you never wanted to be! What has fucking changed that you wish to be a man like your father, who died without an ounce of caring about his wife and son? He took the easy way out, you said, and now you are yourself following the same path.” Every word burned me in a fire of agony from the inside. I was losing myself in the pits of the effect of the alcohol, but still his every word was clear to me.
I had promised myself I would never be the man my father was, that very man who left me and my mother to starve on the road. He was falling into pits of debt and yet he decided to take the easy way out by killing himself through drinking. I hated him, he disgusted me, he killed my childhood, and he put my mom and me through misery, left us alone with the sharks asking to repay his debt. How could I want to turn into a man like him? I promised myself, and more than that, promised my mother on her deathbed that I would never be like him. Whatever happened, I wouldn’t turn my back on life and drown in alcohol and yet here I was. If Eunice and Elle had still been present, they would have been disappointed in me, and my mother would have felt betrayed, just like when Dad died. This thought had a chilling effect on me. I felt like someone had thrown me into icy water. The reconciliation of the fact that I was turning into the man I never wanted drowned away all the effect of alcohol on me. How come I had grown so weak? I could feel tears emerging in my eyes.
“Say something, buddy,” Alex pleaded. “Do something for yourself. I know Elle is gone and Eunice isn’t here either, but you have got to live. Life has to move on. Your mother would have pushed you to stand up again, to build yourself again rather than acting like your own alcoholic father who died because of it. Man up, Joshua, and face this shit that life is giving you. Nothing comes out of sulking and drinking. Nothing comes without fighting for the things you want. Fight for the life you once wanted to live.” His words stirred something deep inside of me, giving me strength, and pushing me to not give up. I broke into silent tears. I couldn’t stop, and I didn’t care how it made me look. I willed to push myself once again to live. I desired to feel the emotions I had lost, the happiness that was gone, and find the sun that had stopped brightening my life. I wanted life once again, to become the man I desired.
***
A few days later…
I stared at the rising sun while clutching the things dearest to me—Elle’s blanket, Eunice’s locket, and my mother’s photograph—they were my greatest treasure. This was all I had left of all those dear to me. I wanted to change for them, turn into a better person for them, and that was what I willed to achieve. Sobered up after so many days, I understood that I had done things I was not proud of. The depth of my mistakes were enough to drown me. Looking back, I saw a devil in me, a monster, but not a man.
I decided to leave the past behind here in this house. I needed to start a new life, move on, and try to build myself again. I was walking away from here with these three greatest treasures of mine. Standing up, I walked around the house for the last time. This was the end of my past here. This place was haunted by the memories of the past and the essence of my sins were here. I couldn’t bear to stay here, the past tried to choke me to death. Renting a small apartment somewhere near my office, my decision to move on took root. I didn’t know when I would visit this place again. This was just a place, not home. Home was where my heart was, and it was with Eunice. I prayed that one day I would earn that one chance to win her heart once again—after all, she was the only one left who could love me. No one could love me like she did. She made me believe that true love only happens once.
Without even a second glance at the house, I walked away, leaving all the materialistic things and only taking the emotionally attached items with me because it was only these emotions which gave me strength to become whom I wanted.
This was the new beginning…
The new start…
And a new life…
With the rising sun, I walked away from the past to a new life.