Joshua
Her words cut me deep. I remembered saying the same to her. Was this what she had felt, like a knife slashing her heart? It didn’t matter that I cried in front of people but the fact that it was over got to me. My marriage was over, the divorce done for her and only her. She wanted me to let go and I did, but my heart and soul didn’t. Her voice was filled with so much anger and hatred that it broke me internally. Was this how she felt for the past so many months when she was with me?
I don’t want any reminder of you in my life.
Those words kept hitting me again and again, stabbing me right in the heart. This was my entire mistake. I didn’t wish to let her go without giving her most of what I owned; I had every intention to give it to her but her hatred shook me from the inside. I couldn’t survive with the knowledge that I had let her go like that, penniless. Yet, I did let her go like that because all she desired was to get rid of me and my memories. I couldn’t stop her because I couldn’t see her in pain anymore. I loved her and always will, and if setting her free from my memories would help her to get rid of her pain, then I would let her free from the cage of my memories.
“Mr. Morris? Shall I leave?” Jackson asked. I nodded to him. Alex still stood there, looking at me with a mixture of anger and pity. Serena had walked out beside Eunice.
Eunice was now gone, gone from my life. There wasn’t anything left anymore that held me to her, bound me to her. It was over. I had lost her today. My wedding ring weighed heavily on my hand, I couldn’t take it off. It gave me the hope that there was still a chance for me, but it was gone now. I slid it off my finger as tears rolled down my cheek. I cried in pain for Eunice, wishing that I could have got that one last chance with her. I wished that Anne wasn’t pregnant, at least then I could have had a chance to get her back. I wished to rewind my life and take back my words and actions. I wished to have never hurt her but it was all vain. I had done it, I had destroyed my marriage, I had destroyed her and us.
“Joshua,” Alex called from beside me. “It’s over, friend.” Why does it hurt so much to know that it’s over?
“Do you want me to drop you home?” he asked, concerned. I nodded willingly; I just wanted to be left isolated, relive some good memories between her and me. I wanted to lie on my bed and think about all the sweet times I had spent with her, how she changed me for good, and how I had destroyed her. I wanted to grieve for what I had lost today.
“Come on.” He pulled me from my seat and walked out. I followed him out like the dead person I was. My surroundings didn’t faze me. I was on my own in my small world where her hateful eyes haunted me. All the way back I couldn’t remember anything but her cold eyes. Alex dragged me out of the car, leaving me all alone in the house that I lived in.
“What would it take it to make it a home again?” I asked myself.
Her and only her, my subconscious mind told me. It was always going to be her and always her.
I lay in our bedroom looking up the ceiling with a bottle of whisky in my hand. I took drink after drink until all I could remember was her. I had come to the point where I was hallucinating her. I tried to reach for her only to have her disappear in front of me. Tears never stopped, my eyes turned swollen, and red.
We were over was the last thought before I let sleep take over my tired and broken self.
***
Two weeks later…
“Sit down, Joshua.” The rough voice of Mr. Brad Edgings didn’t sound pleased at all. Settling myself down in the seat in front of him, I could see his calculating eyes assessing me. I hadn’t expected to be here at all, I was still trying to gain control over my life.
“So you want to marry Anne?” he questioned, his voice sounding cold. Ever since I had come here, I hadn’t seen him giving away any emotions, though I had seen him happy in the past. I just nodded. The laughter filtered in from the other room, making his eyes shift there. He stood up and walked towards the door and shut it. His eyes looked through mine, telling me about his displeasure.
“You aren’t a man of many words, I see?” he asked, sitting back down.
“Yes sir.” My voice was tensed. I was scared to face Anne’s father and his wrath for destroying his daughter’s future.
“I’m not proud of my daughter and her choices,” he said roughly, seeming distant.
“I’m not too proud of my choices either, sir,” I said with regret.
“You know I can’t look at my best friend now, or talk to him freely, without feeling guilty. I can’t go on like nothing has happened.” I knew he was talking about Eunice’s father. “My daughter has brought nothing but shame to my name. I’m not at all happy about what has happened, Joshua. Do you know I am Eunice’s godfather?” he asked with pain in his eyes. Standing up, he made himself a drink and stood there gazing into its depths.
“I haven’t had the guts to look in her eyes. I can’t call her because I’m so ashamed of my daughter. I’m disgusted by what you have done and what my daughter let herself be dragged into. My heart aches for Eunice, she’s like my daughter, and it hurts me to know that my own blood has destroyed her house.” He paused, giving me a glare.
“When her parents told me the truth about what happened after coming back from the hospital, her father and I wished to beat you to death. Jack was so broken after seeing his daughter in such a position that it broke me too. It was Eunice who asked us not to go after you and beat the shit out of you. If it hadn’t been for her, I don’t think you’d be alive, Joshua. Do you understand that?” His voice boomed with anger.
“I do…I do…understand…sir.” I could feel the tears glistening in my eyes. Old wounds were being ripped open with his words.
“I hate my daughter, Joshua, but a father’s love still stands, forcing me not to do something harsh. I ask myself so many times where I’d gone wrong in her upbringing that my daughter turned into such a person. She became a home wrecker in front of my eyes. If I had the strength in me I would have disowned her, kicked her out of my life once and for all, but this father side of me halts me from doing anything. That is the reason I have even considered you coming here.” My head lowered in shame.
“Leaving that aside, are you sure you want to marry my daughter?” he asked me once again.
“Yes. It is the right thing to…do, sir,” I said, uncertain.
“I’m not asking if it is right or not, Joshua, I ask do you want it or not?” he said roughly, downing his drink in one go before setting it down.
“Yes, sir…I want it for my child.” I stated the truth. A silence consumed us while he looked at me calculatingly.
“She isn’t threatening you, right?” he asked after a long pause.
“No, sir.” That was far away from the truth.
“The women of this house can be deceptive, Joshua,” he warned me.
I had isolated myself for the past three days in my house, drowned myself in alcohol, relived every moment that I could with Eunice, and cried for the pain I had made her go through. There wasn’t anything left for me to live for besides my child. I stood at the door of our bedroom with a glass of whisky in my hand remembering the sweet times I had spent with her here, her giggles, her laugh, and her sweet voice. Life without her was always different, it always would be. I let the amber liquid burn my throat as I emptied the glass in one gulp.
The house bell rang, drawing me out of my memories. I thought of not responding, hoping whoever it was would go away. However, they didn’t come with any intention of leaving because the ringing grew constant. Irritated by the buzzing noise, I walked down to see who the hell wished to disturb me. When I opened the door and saw her standing there, my blood boiled. She was the last person I wanted to see right now. My eyes diverted towards the bags by her side—what was she playing at?
“Anne.” I paused. “What are you doing here?”
“I’m shifting here, Joshua, with you.” She walked past me inside the house, leaving her bags to be carried. I was shocked. She walked in like she owned the place, making me angry. I didn’t care to pick her bags up. Walking after her, I grabbed her arm, making her spin around.
“Why?” Anger coursed through my voice.
“Because I carry your child, dear.” Getting out of my grip, she let her hands wander on my abdomen. “You are the father of my unborn child and are my future husband,” she said seductively. Pushing her hands away, I stepped back in horror. Future husband?
“Are you out of your fucking mind? Why in holy hell would I marry you?” The anger boomed in my voice but it felt like it didn’t affect her because of her calm composure.
“Because I won’t bring this child into this world until we’re married,” she threatened, coming close, leaving just few inches between our faces.
“Do you hear me, Joshua? If you don’t marry me soon, I won’t let you see your child. I will run far away from you—with. Your. Child. You know, I can’t have my child named as a bastard, so do one god-damn right thing and marry me!” Her long nails dug in my jaw as she shouted. “Do you understand?” she asked, gripping my jaw harder than before. Getting out of her grip, I rubbed my jaw. She was no longer the Anne I knew. This woman in front of me was menacing and cunning.
“I won’t do such a thing, run wherever you want. I have rights over my child, so you can’t run for long. Moreover this is my child. I take all responsibilities of it—all! It won’t ever be called a bastard. Marriage is out of the question. Do you hear me, Anne? I am never going to fucking marry you and let you stay in this house,” I seethed. This sure angered her, because the next thing I felt was a sting on my cheek.
“You will fucking marry me, Joshua. I’m not Eunice, who would sit there and wait for you to come to your senses. I’m not your whore, I’m the mother of your child, and I ask for some respect from you and society. I don’t want to be seen as your fucking whore, so do the respectable thing by marrying me and making me your wife. You think you have rights over this child? Huh? True, but if there isn’t going to be me, there will be no child. Living a life with no respect as your whore isn’t in me. I would rather die with this child rather than live that kind of life.” Her eyes burned with anger and determination. Her words settled a fear inside of me; she wasn’t going to back down. The look in her eyes told me her threats weren’t empty, that she would go a long way to accomplish what she wanted. She was too cunning and dangerous, something I didn’t see before. Now I had to pay the price, I had to lie down in the bed I had made. I already had lost Eunice and everything with her, the only reason for my survival was my child and I couldn’t let it go too. I was defeated; I had to do what she wanted for the sake of my child.
“Give me time. I would marry you but I need time. I just got divorced three days back, just give me few months—” I said in a defeated tone, only to be interrupted by her screeching voice.
“Months! No fucking way. I can’t give you months, do you hear me?”
“I just got divorced, please understand. I can’t marry you right away. Just think about how it will…ruin my…image.” I tried to negotiate with her, coming up with the best excuse I could. Her eyes lost some of the burning anger within them and she stood there in silence, thinking about all.
“Four weeks, I give you four weeks. You and I are getting married after four weeks, Joshua. If you want to see your child, you marry me in four. Weeks. And that is final and my last decision. I stay here from now on, and it would be good if we start acting like a real loving couple.” Her eyes narrowed in slits at me.
“I don’t like to be made fun of, Joshua. I’m not Eunice, I am Anne. I don’t like to be humiliated by other people. So it would be better, my dearest future husband, that you don’t bring shame to my name. So act like my loving boyfriend and future husband, and I promise you both of our lives will be simpler.” Her hands wrapped around my neck while her voice remained dangerous.
“Could you bring my bags to my room, my loving boyfriend?” she asked in her sweet, sickly voice, bending her head to the side while biting her lower lip. That look would have been enough for me to take her to bed before, but not anymore—it disgusted me. I nodded, to which she kissed me on my cheek, leaving a smear of her red lipstick. Stepping away, she walked upstairs to the guest room. I wiped away the mark on my cheek, rubbing it hard to get rid of it. It disgusted me, everything about her disgusted me at this moment, but I had to do everything for the sake of my child.
I had dug my own grave. Now I needed to lie down in it.
“I’m doing this because I want to, sir,” I told him, but it felt like I was reassuring myself. He sighed.
“I don’t want history to repeat itself,” he mumbled to himself. “I won’t say I would give you or my daughter my blessings, though I can promise you that I would play the part that is expected of me,” he said painfully.
“Yes, sir.”
“Joshua, if you want to step out, you can. There is no one forcing you, I don’t want to see anyone hurting anymore. I don’t want Eunice hurting more.” I looked up to him in a jerk, his eyes glistened with moisture.
“I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore.” My voice barely came out as a whisper. I knew my every action would have an effect over Eunice even if she’d left me. It would pain her knowing I was marrying someone else within a month of giving her a divorce. After so long, I prayed and I prayed that Eunice had enough strength to bear the pain of this action of mine. I prayed for her to be all right.
“I think you and Anne should leave. I’ve had enough of both of you today. I would really be thankful if you both leave before I lose control over myself and say something that could hurt others,” he said, his voice weak.
“Yes, Mr. Edgings.” I stood up and walked away. He knew that Eunice would be hurt and it pained me to know that I couldn’t do anything about it. I was crying from the inside because of what I was going to do. My heart ached for her. She was my first and only love. I could never stop thinking about her.
“Mr. Edgings, please tell her I’m sorry.” My voice sounded desperate.
“You should say that to her yourself, Joshua,” he said without looking at me. He paused before speaking again.
“I hope she can bear the pain of you and Anne getting married. Hope it doesn’t break her again. Good day, Joshua.” I closed the door with my head hung low. She would always have to pay for my wrong actions.